I'm a terrible wife

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

It's just hit me after an argument with DH that I am actually a terrible wife.

I always had this vision of my life in my head, I thought by now I would be a SAHM with 3+ children, nice house, nice DH, nice car.

It hasn't happened like that. I have the DH, in the process of buying the house, but we are having problems conceiving. I have PCOS and it has been about 5 years of on-and-off unsuccessful trying. My weight is the main issue, and why we haven't progressed to IVF yet. Strike one against me as it has taken so long to sort it, although I have lost four stone now and hopefully will lose the rest in the next six months.

The second thing is, DH has his own company. He wanted me to work with him when he set it up and I agreed (I didn't feel like I could say no). I don't really like being self employed or working on my own and I do a terrible job at it. The company paid for me to do a course but it hasn't helped. I think it is my attitude that is the problem. I'm ungrateful because I feel like I had no choice in taking this job. DH works bloody hard, he is a workaholic really and I benefit financially from this but I let him down all the time by not working better. I procrastinate too much, I have no willpower and no supervision and so it ends up getting to 5pm and I've done about an hours work in an 8 hour day. This is what the argument was about today, work is the only thing we ever really argue about.

The third thing is, I am terrible at keeping the house tidy. It's a mess. We had a massive clean up this weekend and DH helped and it looks lovely now, but normally I just can't keep on top of it. DH never normally does anything to help around the house (as he works so much) and it has been like a building site for the past 8 months. I've never really liked living here and always wanted to move, and DH just dumps his work things in the dining room and I think I got to the point where I thought "what's the point". I've never been the tidiest person in the world but I did used to be much better than I am now.

I just feel really awful, like I have this massive sense of entitlement and I'm sulking because life isn't going how I wanted it to (even though I could do much, much more to direct it where I want it to go and haven't in the past). How can I fix myself? How can I be a better wife and person? I have a list of excuses a mile long but even I'm sick of hearing them now. I've already promised myself and DH that things will be different in the new house in regards to tidiness. But I need to stop letting DH down so much at work.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think I partly just want to get it off my chest, and partly look for any advice, anyone who has been disappointed in themselves but gone onto a place where they are now proud of themselves?

I'd have a good look and see excatly what the criteria are, then, CTFOB. Maybe it's something you can work around, "just" getting a certain amount of help but no more. Maybe you can at least try a self-help group, something anonymous. Talking about it is knackering too but it can be a total revelation and make you see yourself absolutely differently. I'd also suspect that you'd see your relationship very differently too.

Congratulations on your weight loss, you obviously have great strength of mind to have achieved that despite all these other problems. You should be proud of yourself.

I know all about procrastination. It's a shame spiral. Everything you are doing is very typical, it's not unique to you. It's how most of us behave when alone and unsupervised. It's almost impossible to break out of by yourself, and it slowly destroys your self esteem. Plus non-procrastinators will simply never, ever understand it.

Options: quit and do a job in a normal workplace that suits you better. If your boss was anyone by your DH you'd have left by now. If his employee was anyone but you he'd have sacked them by now.

Or, if you insist on continuing, look into hiring a desk in a shared office somewhere. Having just one other human in the room works wonders for your productivity. It's hard to waste a whole day pissing about online or making tea when other people can see you.

As for the housework he can bloody pull his weight too. Working at home does not make you the cleaner. He doesn't spend his lunch break coming home to hoover the carpets, does he? You both have to keep on top of it, outside work hours.

I can really relate OP. I also have PCOS, been ttc for years and currently undergoing ivf. I feel like my life is a waiting room that I can't leave until I either manage to conceive or accept a childless life - but I'm not at that stage yet.

I actually had quite a high flying career but it's stalled since I started ttc because I always thought children were around the corner - but they never came. Infertility has taken so much from me. I don't think anyone that hasn't been through it could understand.

Be kind to yourself OP. I do think a seperate job working out of the house could do wonders for your mental health and motivation. And you may benefit from counselling. How far off your target weight are you? If/when you start the ivf process, infertility counselling becomes readily available.

So, to get things straight:

You have a condition (PCOS) that wreaks havoc with your hormones and your mood and makes losing weight very hard, but in spite of that you've lost 4 stone

You are a hard worker and you know it

You would love to have children but it's not happening and your 'D'H is 'unsympathetic' about it

Your 'D'H didn't support you at all in pursuing your own dream of teaching but instead wants you to work in pursuing his dream, even if you're bored senseless and feel like a lazy waste of space. As a result you had to give up your dream.

Your 'D'H doesn't clean up after himself but makes you feel lazy because when the house isn't tidy

Your 'D'H is a workaholic who's totally focused on his own goals

Nothing in your life is how you want it to be, partially through bad luck wrt health issues, but also partially because you have a selfish partner. It's time for you to get on with doing what you want to do for a change. Unfortunately there's nothing much you can do about the baby situation apart from the trojan work you've already done (very well done on that) but everything else can change. I'd imagine if it did you'd feel a lot better. But I'm not confident that your DH will do anything to make life easier for you. He doesn't seem to give a shit.

"He can happily work 10-12 hours per day, 6 days per week. "

I've highlighted the key word there. Do you think that would be the case if he was in totally the wrong job for him, AND was getting grief about not tidying up after all the stuff you just came into the house and dumped everywhere? He has his own company, of course its doing something he loves to do, that doesnt mean that all the crappy bits of that like cold-calling and admin that he DOESNT love automatically fall to you as "wife".

I would try and think a bit about you - what job would make you happy? Once you have an idea of that then you can both sit down and try and work out how things can change so that you can do that. You may well have to hire someone to do the things you are currently supposed to do, and there will be wages etc associated with that, but thats just part of the cost of running a business.

ravenmum - a self help type of group is actually a great idea and something I hadn't thought of, thank you for the suggestion.

ProfessionalPirate - thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you have to deal with infertility too, I completely agree with your waiting room analogy. I hope the IVF work for you

LeCroissant - Sorry I wasn't clear, DH is very sympathetic about the issues I have struggling to conceive, he's been wonderful and patient and supportive about everything to do with that. It's the potential mental health issues I fear he would be unsympathetic about.

Sorry I misread what you'd written. Why would he be unsympathetic? Surely as your partner he would want to support you?

I recognise a lot of what a t you are describing in my previous life. I was in a job where I had to act on my own initiative - and I was TERRIBLE at it. I was seized by paralysis, procrastinated everything and I'm sure looked like the laziest person in the world. My managers were not impressed. I felt useless. I didn't know what my problem was! Why couldn't I just do it? It did a real number on my self esteem and image of myself. I was a crap worker and a waste of space .

Then I was made redundant (I was delighted) and as part of the package we were given this careers advice package. I did shitloads of those tests, and it turns out I am someone who needs to work on her own initiative as little as possible. Give me a set of clear rules, and I'm OK. I joked that I'd be happier and more productive in the army.

Anyway that knowledge really shaped my job search afterwards and eventually I went back to college and became a nurse. Not an easy road! But now I am in a very very task driven environment where I cannot procrastinate and I have a clear set of instructions. Patients come to me, they have an immediate need, and I have clear easy guidelines in how to solve that issue quickly. I come home from a shift having filled every minute with work. I won't be able to surf online or get distracted. I am surrounded by colleagues whose advice I can ask. I am now 100% productive at work, my former colleagues wouldn't recognise me.

So maybe something like that to do with kids would suit you? A nursery worker or similar? Where you literally cannot procrastinate and do not have to work on your own initiative much and you have social support at work too?

Just wanted to send you
Infertility and weight loss is a big thing to carry in itself.

LeCroissant - DH is of the opinion that you should just be able to cheer yourself up, or work through it. He knows that I do feel down sometimes for no particular reason but would never recognise it as something serious, or something that warranted treatment or time off work, etc. He has never been depressed and sometimes will feel stressed out about something, but never gets down.

He is also very unsympathetic about illness in general, he compares everyone to himself and can't understand why they're not the same. For example, he hurt his leg a few weeks ago but despite being hardly able to walk, instead of taking a day or two off to rest, he took an afternoon off to get it checked out and then went hobbling back to work the next day. If he has a bad cold or even D&V, he still goes to work.

I know people like that - I don't think it's a very healthy way to be. It sounds like your DH's 'drive' has drowned you out entirely and you barely exist.

You aren't a terrible wife. You are a frustrated one, I think.

Plenty of couples can be happily married but could never work together. I include my DH and I in that category too, it would be a disaster.

I can't advise on the PCOS, but I think it does sound as though you need to carve out a role for yourself outside of home and away from your DH. Return to teacher training if that is your ideal, or look for other work in that general area, such as early years or TA stuff, as already suggested. It might build up your experience, confidence and self esteem.

You do not have to work with your DH just because you happen to be married. It is making neither of you happy, and if he is being stubborn about it then that is unreasonable of him. He needs to recognise that.

ElspethFlashman - I loved reading your response, thank you for replying. I often think that I wish I'd joined the forces! When I'm given a specific task to do, I can do it and do it well. I just can't manage my own work.

I'd love to be a TA. Get to work with children but not be as responsible as the teachers. A lot of family and friends work in schools and I think it would just suit me so well.

I know you're all right that I would be much better off in another job.

It would just hurt him so much if I told him that, he would feel like I was throwing everything back in his face. He can't understand it because he is the exact opposite to me in the way that he couldn't NOT be self employed. It would be a nightmare for him to work for someone and be told what to do.

He also has issues with trusting employees, I think he would really struggle to find someone he trusts with the financial side of things.

Your husband wants you to work for his business in a job that doesn’t fit your strengths or interests, and wants you to do 99% of the work of running a home because he’s a messy workaholic who dumps his things when he walks in the door, but he’s convinced YOU that YOU are the problem?

Honey, he doesn’t want a wife. He wants a slave.

I think that one of the many reasons to get a different job is to start creating some independence from him. He’s controlling.

He can't understand it because he is the exact opposite to me in the way that he couldn't NOT be self employed. It would be a nightmare for him to work for someone and be told what to do.

try to explain it exactly like that. DH, how would you feel if I insisted you quit the job you enjoy and go work in a paid position for someone else? See, that's how I feel right now. People are different. Nobody wants to work in a job that makes them miserable,and they will be a lot more efficient if they enjoy the position.

Believe me, I get it. We have a little bit similar situation where I think X would be better option and I'm happy doing X, so why can't DH be? He was actually depressed doing X and is happy and enthusiastic when he can do Y. So Y it is.

the thing is that is not you being a terrible wife its him being a terrible husband. he is not married to himself, he is married to you - who is a completely different person.

You need to put yourself first a little bit I think

Why don't you work part time for DH, the 20 hours that you think he needs and do a TA course with the rest of the time. If you are rubbish at household management I second fly lady, it is very manageable if rather filled with God, also getting a cleaner as you talked about will help. I have recently stopped working and am finding that it is a challenge to stay motivated and keep working on home based chores at the same pace as I did when fitting them around work. Finally don't discount the huge pressure and grief that comes from infertility, I can't remember much apart from that in the couple of years we struggled with it.

So in order not to hurt him, you have to keep doing a job you hate? And meanwhile he has no sympathy when you're ill and won't tidy up after himself. So you're very very careful about his feelings but he doesn't care much about yours.

I think yabu. Whether you like this job or not, you accepted it and took on the role, now you are letting your DH down. Do the job to the best of your ability and look for something else. Divide the chores at home or talk about getting a cleaner.

You say you gave up your education and your interest in working with kids when you met your H.

I wonder how much of the problem here is your H.
You're working 'for' him in a role you are clearly not suited to. Are you actually being paid a salary, or are you being paid in shares or something? Is this business bringing in a reasonable income?

Your house is a mess; your H made a big show of 'helping' you tidy up recently, but has now going back to dumping his stuff all over the place.

You're unhappy about th PCOS and he is not sympathetic.

As someone who knows neither of you, I can't help wondering how much it benefits your H to have you isolated in the house, allegedly working for him, perpetually guilty and worried. Do you have friends that you are in touch with? What about your parents/siblings?

It's very, very common for a woman to be unhappy, unmotivated, anxious, blaming herself... and for it to become clear fairly quickly that this is because she is in a relationship with a man who has ensured she feels that way because he likes things that way.

I don't you sound massively entitled in any way. You realise what you need or want from a job. You need people around you. You could probably employ someone for fewer hours a day who will be living the job and be getting it all done. If you worked you could get a cleaner in. Then I suspect your DH would not just dump stuff.

If you are worried about tge sort of work you'll be qualified / able to do - use this time to get some qualifications or training.

If you're afraid to say to yoyr DH - you won't get anywhere until you do pluck up the courage. Best thing is to go armed with a plan covering all the options, imo.