I'm a terrible wife

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

It's just hit me after an argument with DH that I am actually a terrible wife.

I always had this vision of my life in my head, I thought by now I would be a SAHM with 3+ children, nice house, nice DH, nice car.

It hasn't happened like that. I have the DH, in the process of buying the house, but we are having problems conceiving. I have PCOS and it has been about 5 years of on-and-off unsuccessful trying. My weight is the main issue, and why we haven't progressed to IVF yet. Strike one against me as it has taken so long to sort it, although I have lost four stone now and hopefully will lose the rest in the next six months.

The second thing is, DH has his own company. He wanted me to work with him when he set it up and I agreed (I didn't feel like I could say no). I don't really like being self employed or working on my own and I do a terrible job at it. The company paid for me to do a course but it hasn't helped. I think it is my attitude that is the problem. I'm ungrateful because I feel like I had no choice in taking this job. DH works bloody hard, he is a workaholic really and I benefit financially from this but I let him down all the time by not working better. I procrastinate too much, I have no willpower and no supervision and so it ends up getting to 5pm and I've done about an hours work in an 8 hour day. This is what the argument was about today, work is the only thing we ever really argue about.

The third thing is, I am terrible at keeping the house tidy. It's a mess. We had a massive clean up this weekend and DH helped and it looks lovely now, but normally I just can't keep on top of it. DH never normally does anything to help around the house (as he works so much) and it has been like a building site for the past 8 months. I've never really liked living here and always wanted to move, and DH just dumps his work things in the dining room and I think I got to the point where I thought "what's the point". I've never been the tidiest person in the world but I did used to be much better than I am now.

I just feel really awful, like I have this massive sense of entitlement and I'm sulking because life isn't going how I wanted it to (even though I could do much, much more to direct it where I want it to go and haven't in the past). How can I fix myself? How can I be a better wife and person? I have a list of excuses a mile long but even I'm sick of hearing them now. I've already promised myself and DH that things will be different in the new house in regards to tidiness. But I need to stop letting DH down so much at work.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think I partly just want to get it off my chest, and partly look for any advice, anyone who has been disappointed in themselves but gone onto a place where they are now proud of themselves?

Haven't read the full thread but if I were you I'd look at being a TA at school. It'll get you out of the house and doing something you love and if you eventually want to finish your pgce it'll stand you in good stead. But it'll still allow you to work for your DH (do two days as a TA). And get a cleaner.

You're not crap, you're just making too many compromises which don't suit you. And being at home all day on your own with teh choice of doing housework which you are or work which you hate isn't good for anyone!

*housework which you hate (plus it's boring).

ReanimatedSGB - I didn't give those things up when I met DH. We had been together for a good few years, had travelled and I been working crappy jobs so wanted to get something better. I decided to go to Uni to become a teacher and got a part time job so I could afford to, DH set up his business around the same time and wanted me to work in that, and I also had another job to gain experience working with children. It all got too much, I couldn't afford not to be working and I couldn't find a job more suited to my hours at Uni and so I gave up Uni.

I am being paid a salary, we aren't rich by any means but we are reasonably comfortable.

He is sympathetic about PCOS, I just don't think he would be about mental health issues.

I only have a few friends, but I have family. I do often feel lonely though.

Your husband sounds controlling, OP.

I think the job you're in is not a good fit for your personality and it's not helping your marriage.

I would be honest with your DH that there's only around twenty hours work per week and it would suit someone better who likes being pro-active and cold-calling.

I'd then get a job doing something else away from DH.

You're not a failure -- you're simply a square peg in a round hole.

PLEASE please please PLEEEEEEEASE do whatever you need to do to find a job in a lovely school, where you can rediscover all the best parts of yourself again. Fuck this boring shit job with your DH. Maybe it's just super dull? It's not your fault!!

In support: I'm utterly rubbish at most "normal" jobs (think, office roles, admin, etc). I lack most professional skills and am in awe when other people can do things like use the computer at the same time as being on the phone; I honestly can't do that.

However! I'm amazing at my OWN set of skills. I can write books, go on TV, conduct lively and helpful radio interviews, and talk to anyone about anything.

I felt terrible about myself for years until I started doing the jobs I was good at, and avoided the ones I wasn't.

He wants to change you though - your initial post had a few red flags in it and subsequent posts have simply added to it.

There is no reason why you cant be a teacher and he runs his own company (with other people to help) - other than him.

Wanting to do what makes you happy does not make you a terrible wife

In the meant time you need a rota for houswork, which DH needs to be involved in too notwithstanding his longer hours.

Once you have a routine - and set tasks you do on the same days of the week - it's lot easier to keep on top of.

In all honesty I'm not convinced OP is cut out to be a teacher. You do need to be super-organised, motivated, pro-active and good at making decisions. But certainly a job involving children sounds like a step forward.

2017RedBlue - I'm not scared of his reaction, no. He does sometimes have a bit of a shout (as do I) but he wouldn't physically hurt me or anything like that. What I am scared of is hurting him emotionally, and him never forgiving me. I don't like confrontation in general at all. I'm also scared of making the wrong decision - of stopping working for him and then going from the frying pan into the fire. I don't live in the best town, so not loads of work going, and because of my weight I have low self esteem. When I was slimmer I was so good at interviews, I never went to one where I didn't end up being offered the job, but in my last job before working for DH I didn't enjoy it and looked for other work, went on loads of interviews but didn't get one offer.

He isn't controlling financially - yes, technically his company pays my salary but that's it, I take care of all our personal finances, have access to his bank account, have my own bank account, have a joint account too. He's very generous, if there's anything I want, we can have it or work towards getting it. He's not bothered about money or material things or anything like that.

I do sometimes feel like we are both living his life though, and I am just like you say, the side kick. I feel like that's not him though it's me, I've got myself into this mess by being so wishy washy about everything for my entire life, I find it hard to make decisions so I am usually happy to go along with whatever anyone else decides, but that's why I am where I am right now.

You gave up your job because he wanted you to. Honestly, have a think about why he was so keen to 'employ' you when you clearly have no real aptitude for whatever his line of business is. OK, it could have been that he didn't want/couldn't afford to pay a proper employee, or there may have been some other reason to do with it benefiting the business to 'keep it in the family' - but what got lost along the way is the lack of benefit to you.

When you reached that point where you didn't have enough time to carry on with your studies and your part time job as well as propping up your H's business, whose idea was it that his needs took priority?

His business would actually run more efficiently if he took on a part-time staff member who had the relevant skills, experience and enthusiasm (there are plenty of people who thrive on working for a very small business that they can help build up). If he claims not to understand this simple fact, then it's very likely that employing you is more to do with keeping you trapped at home, lacking in confidence and permanently anxious, than it is with making a success of the business.

What is there to forgive though - saying that you want to do something that you enjoy rather than being his sidekick is nothing you should apologise for - his happiness does not supercede yours

A lot of this is about you learning to be stronger within yourself. And to be able to say who you are and what you want to do.

People who aren't good at that often get bustled along by partners with stronger personailities, and it's easy just to follow them passively. But would be much better for you to develop a pro-active approach to your own life.

RidingWindhorses - I agree. It seems impossible though, how do you change all that you've been for your entire life?

ReanimatedSGB - Yes, he did want me to. I felt like I didn't really have another choice. But when you look at it, that this business is earning us both a good income, the sky is the limit with it potentially, it's setting us up for a strong financial future, it seems ridiculous to try and argue against it or take any other decision. Any other job I could go out and get would pay me half of what I earn now. That's part of the difficulties of leaving.

Thank you all so much for your advice, kind words and responses. I am going to step away from Mumsnet now, I'll pop back on after work if there are any other responses. Thank you again.

It's like developing new muscle. Taking up a new challenge, learning a new language.

If you identify that the way you have been thus far has lead to choices and circumstances you're not happy with, you can make a decision to change how you do things.

It will take time, self change is always a work in progress.

I am the WORST at self motivation and procrastinate all of the time! So I found the perfect job for me... waitressing.

Up until my DD I worked in a boutique hotel with a gorgeous restaurant and I loved it. I was always busy and had something to do, but could enjoy the occasional chat with guests/customers (especially at 36 weeks pregnant!).

It is the best of both Worlds because you know exactly what is expected of you but you also just get on with it. I thought it was a great job and if you progress to management (which I have in the past) the money can be really good.

Regarding the home stuff... I actually like cleaning but if you don't just hire someone for a few days a week

"What I am scared of is hurting him emotionally, and him never forgiving me."

Thats a way of controlling you though - I'm not saying hes doing it on purpose, he may even be really upset if you were to suggest it.....and thats why you dont suggest it. Sometimes we all have to hear things we dont like, and tell people things they dont like, and accept that other people want to live differently from how we would choose, thats just how life is.

Do you really think he would never forgive you? Or do you think he would be a bit annoyed and huffy and grumpy but work with you to get things into a better shape for everyone? Because if its the first one then you have a problem, if its the second one then the issue is really that you dont want to have to do "the mean thing" of being brave and adult and speaking up for yourself in spite of adversity - you CAN do it though, youve already done so much.

And if at the end of the day, it doesnt really work out? Then you'll know youve tried, and you can try something else until you find something that DOES work.

The business may be earning you both a high income but is it worth it? I presume your DH could generate just as much income or more with a more motivated employee in your place and you could then do something that you enjoy. The fact that you feel you have no choice is worrying - you absolutely do have a choice and it makes no sense that your DH's success should be a sort of prison for you - what good does that do?

Working as a TA sounds like a great idea for you if you love working with kids. It would also have the benefit of being a pretty structured timetable - no opportunity to procrastinate.

I get where you're coming from, OP. I work hard and efficiently when my day is structured for me (I used to be a full-time secondary teacher). But as a SAHM and then as a freelance part-timer I found it impossible to organise my own time efficiently. I think I was so used to having my day broken down into set chunks, signalled by bells, that I never learnt to schedule my own day!

Two recommendations to help cure procrastination:

1. waitbutwhy.com (has excellent and hilarious articles about why we procrastinate and how to stop it)

2. Keep a bullet journal. It's not for everyone but it works for me!

I'm a TA , it can be full on. I'm up and down the whole time so if you're looking for an easy job, that's not it! If you're not willing to put the work in for your DH's business....

MsHarry I havent seen anything AT ALL in the OPs posts that suggests anything near "you just dont try hard enough" or that she is "looking for an easy ride", and it's unfair and unkind of you to imply that, to be honest.

Msgarry no one suggested your job was easy. They suggested it was with children and structured so you had no time to procrastinate. OP has clearly stated she used to work hard, holding down several Jones and trying to do Uni at the same time. Read the messages!

I read the OP, no time for who thread. I'm putting myself in her shoes. 1 hour's work in 8 hrs sounds v lazy to me. I couldn't do that to me DH. I accept the job's not for her but while it is she needs to pull her weight.