Inform wife's affair partner's wife?

[Jon1970]

I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.

To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.

But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.

Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

Thoughts?

If you have decided to tell her (and I think you should) don't fall into the cosy sentimentality of waiting till after Christmas. If she has a lovely Christmas and then hears the news it is not going to be a happy memory anyway. If you want to tell her, tell her now.

I would want to know.

My ex's OW's husband found out before me and did not tell me. When I found out, by reading ex's old e-mails, among them was a message OW's husband had sent to my ex, in which he told him to fuck off and leave his wife alone in a very restrained, dignified manner. My ex and OW then discussed the email, cheerily complimenting him on coming across so well.

When he found out, I was right in the middle of trying to find out wtf was going on, suspected an affair but had no evidence, and my ex was treating me like absolute shit, essentially making out that he was cold because I was a crap wife. In that situation, it would have helped to have got evidence for what I suspected. Took me another 6 months without his help.

However, if I'd been happily unaware that anything was going on, preparing for a nice normal Christmas with my husband, then got the shock of my life from someone who'd known for 3 years, but specially saved up this horrible news because he wanted to give it before Christmas as a form of revenge, I would probably felt like shooting the messenger.

Do you really want to stoop to their level?

My ExH was a serial adulterer. I was pathetically grateful every time he ‘decided to stay’ with me. I never told anyone in my family because I was ashamed of having an unfaithful husband.

After 22 years of marriage and two DCs I finally found the courage to divorce him. Have never regretted it. But I do regret not going public with his affairs because it took a long time for many members of the family to believe my reasons for ending the marriage. I still didn’t tell many people. My own DM was the most disbelieving and kept saying what a shame and couldn’t we work it out. I told her all the details expecting her to tell my DF. But she didn’t and I could never understand how my DF could carry on playing golf and socialising with my ExH.

After my DM died I found out that my DF never knew the details and he immediately broke off contact with my ExH feeling mortified at how disloyal he must have seemed to me.

I don’t think you’ll get the closure you seek until you feel your side of things are understood by others. By keeping this secret you are complicit in the illusion they haven’t hurt anyone. The amount of time doesn’t really matter - you need this to stop being a secret because that’s what’s really eating you up.

it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it".
My ex was found out and OW was found out - everything was revealed - but they have still "got away with it". Three years later they are now off living together happily, the fuss has died down, she's off on outings with our kids and his family.

Are you sure you'll even get the revenge you want?

My first thought was “no don’t tell her, just leave it” but I then realised that if my DH ever had an affair I would most certainly want to know about it.

Have a really good think about her first, and about whether the right thing to do is make someone feel like you have for the past 3 years.
You seem completely oblivious to this woman as a person - your op talks about a home as a man's castle, you say later how you want to tell him before Christmas so it ruins his like yours, you want to tell her at work. She is innocent in this. Presumably all was not sunny before your world fell apart.

Sure, go ahead and tell her, I'd probably want to do the same, but not in your current spirit of vengeance.

What if she does not believe you despite your evidence or says she knew and forgave him?

I suspect that would make you feel worse as your plan for revenge would have failed.

The occupations you have mentioned are quite identifying, OP. If the Daily Mail get hold of this thread you won't need to tell her!

I would tell, FWIW.

You want revenge but not against her. It will seem like you've saved it up to detonate their Christmas if you do it now. Personally I would tell her, after Christmas, and be aware that she's innocent in this just like you, and liable to be far more hurt by it than he is.