Inform wife's affair partner's wife?

[Jon1970]

I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.

To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.

But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.

Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

Thoughts?

i'd tell her, i would want to know

How do you know that she doesn't already know ?

It's been three years if you were going to do it you should've done it at the time.

I inadvertently told the OWs husband (apparently she'd only told him that they'd been flirting) and while it was awful in a lot of ways, in retrospect it feels like the right thing to do. No-one should have to live their life in ignorance.
Having said that, it absolutely did not help my desire for vengeance..

Yes, I'd tell her. Face to face, with the evidence. If another woman had been in my bed, shagging my DH, I'd blow her life wide open, and that would include telling her husband. That might make me nasty. I wouldn't care.

I would either tell her or keep him on the edge as a previous poster has suggested.

Ultimately, you should do what is right for you now! You've spent long enough thinking this over and its time to make yourself feel better in whichever way you need to!

If I was this woman I would want to know and why should his life remain untouched while yours has been destroyed!

I 'd agree she should be told. Your wife was manipulating you not having you say anything in order to maintain her little fantasy -and presumably her chances to maintain the affair as that would surely be her primary motivation. You're not beholden to that as you've recognised that the relationship was futile. From friends and on here cheaters always do and will. That's who they are. Tell her, she may be ok with someone like that. But everyone should know who their chosen partner really is.

If I was her, I would want to know. You could save her from wasting her entire life with that arsehole. Also, if he’s still sleeping around he could be passing on anything to her. She deserves to know morally and health-wise. Once you’ve told her, get some counselling and move on with your life

All those saying she has a right to know are being entirely disingenuous.

Yes, she perhaps had a right to know at the time the affair was going on. But at this point the only reason why the OP wants to tell her is because his life hasn't worked out. If he and his wife had rebuilt their marriage after the affair (and it does happen that people do move forward after these things,) the OP would never have felt inclined to tell the OM's partner. The only reason he wants to tell her is because things haven't worked out for him and clearly it's not enough that only his life is destroyed, he has to aim to destroy someone else's as well.

What's that they say about revenge? Revenge is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

It's a pretty shit thing to do to someone else just because things haven't worked out the way you wanted them to. If he'd wanted to tell the OM's wife the time to do that would have been at the time the affair was discovered. But again the OP decided to do what was best for him without all this disingenuous talk about the wife having the right to know. Clearly he didn't consider she had the right to know while he was sleeping with his wife for the past three years and trying to rebuild his life.

Absolutely tell her. She should know what a smug slimey toad she is married to.
The anniversary of you finding out is coming up, if it was me I absolutely would tell. I'd also attach photographic evidence of the texts.
I'm furious on your behalf!

LoverOfCake - agree with your point so much.

All this concern for the wife is so much self-justifying BS.

If you were really worried about her, you'd have said 3 years ago.

It was a shitty thing to experience, and I feel for you (have been through the same thing), but this won't help you at all.

I can't stand the other man in my situation, but I know there are more constructive and positive things I can devote my energy to, and I feel much less anger and bitterness than I used to as a result.

I don't think the OP is concerned about her and her right to know. And yes he should have told her three years ago.

But that does NOT negate the fact that this cheating slime-pig's wife is living with a cheating shit and needs to know that her marriage is a lie.

Wouldn't you want to know LoverOfCake ? Or would you prefer not to know and discover a few years down the road that the man you loved for the last 10, 15, 20 years was fucking other women for years on end?

To Loverofcake and discontinued modelhusband.....I think I was pretty honest in my original post that I am indeed driven just as much if not more by revenge than concern for his wife. The reason I held back and didn't tell her 3 years ago was that my wife had had multiple breakdowns previously and I was worried that it would happen again if I took too much action. She had a breakdown anyway, was sectioned, and I have spent the past two years much more focused on just getting by, holding down a job and looking after the children than too much about my feelings. But a lot of the feelings I have had to push down and keep at bay just seem to have come to the surface, and I've found that this run up to Christmas brings it all back. So, I think all the bold type about me just thinking about myself is a bit unfair. But I accept that you can't see the whole picture from a single post, which is fair enough.

Anyway - what I have taken away from these posts, is that if I do tell her I need to make every effort to be sensitive about it and the points about doing it face to face make complete sense so it's been good to get some second opinions.

Vernazza no. If someone told me three years on that their wife had had an affair with my husband I would wonder why it had taken them three years to get to the point of thinking that I had a right to know, and would assume that the only reason they were telling me was entirely self-serving on their part given they had obviously been playing happy families for that time and that now they'd decided they could no longer live with their wife they thought that given their life had been destroyed it was down to them to destroy mine and my children's as well.

There is absolutely nothing decent about what the OP is planning to do. It is all about him and there is no way I would entertain his notion in the slightest.

I would imagine that it's entirely likely that the wife knows at any rate, pictures on Facebook mean nothing after all, and I'm sure that he has put up his fair share of happy family pictures on social media in the past three years.

Right to know my arse. If she had a right to know that was three years ago. That ship has now sailed.

Incidentally, I know someone who did this. The wife told him in no uncertain terms that she'd known for the entire time and that she and the husband had been in an open relationship anyway, that she had all the gory details including video's of them together etc and had participated in threesomes with them together and had far more details about the relationship than he did. He had told her out of pure spite, but walked away believing that the joke was ultimately on him. Be careful what you wish for.

If you were that concerned about his wife you would have told 3 years ago. You didn't. Anything you do now is for revenge so please don't dress it up as anything altruistic because it isn't and it really grates to read.

With your follow up post @Jon1970 I completely understand the gap between discovery and processing. I am deeply sorry this whole horrible saga has gone on so long and been so bad.

I think you have taken the right message from the thread; if you tell her to make sure it is for her benefit and not out of a desire to explode his life.

I wish you every future happiness and I hope your ex wife gets all the help she needs in order to manage being a stable parent in future.

I'd want to know if were her.

In your shoes I'd 100% tell her.
I would want to know if I was her and I'd hope that someone would tell me regardless of whether it was 3 months ago or 3 years.

I found out my husband had been having an 18 month affair with a close friend because her husband found out and told me, the very evening he found out.

I basically had a breakdown and the last year has been the most horrendous of my life.

HOWEVER, I will always be grateful to him for telling me because the moment he told me, I was no longer living a lie, no longer trapped in an appalling marriage with a serial lying cheat, am now free, pretty happy, have immense peace of mind and am living a truly authentic life.

Please tell her. Wait until after Christmas and tell her to her face, with evidence.

It does make me kind of laugh at times when people say "maybe she already knows" or " maybe they have an open relationship" or "she probably won't leave him"

"Well maybe I'll go to the moon"....
It really doesn't matter if any of the above apply... you won't know without informing the OBS. ...and once they know ... they can do what they want with that information. You've done your bit.

Knowledge is power

* Right to know my arse. If she had a right to know that was three years ago. That ship has now sailed.*

LoverOfCake you actually sound angry at the betrayed spouse. You don't think people being cheated on have a right to know. Alrighty then. I would rather know the truth than be made a fool of by a cheating partner.

I agree with Sandy.
To all the people who think the wife probably already knows, there is every chance that in fact she doesn't.
You don't see what you aren't looking for.
And people are trusting, just like other people lie.
Jon Waiting till after Christmas is kindest.

Regardless of motivation or how long after the event I'd want to know.

Tell her. I've been in that position, suspecting multiple affairs but never having proof and having my DH look like the perfect husband on the outside while persuading me I was paranoid with mental health problems because I doubted him.

I would have been nothing but grateful to have someone give me evidence I wasn't crazy.
She might not 'know' but she'll likely suspect and it does no end of damage to your self esteem to try and force trust.
Wait til after Christmas though. It may screw his up but it will hers too.

Fwiw, I didn't tell the DP of my ex's affair partner but only because I don't know who he is or anything about him. I do feel angry at her though and feel she hasn't had to deal with any of the consequences of her actions.
She has DC exactly the same age as mine and in one of the messages to ex admitted she knew she was risking his family breaking up. I can understand wanting sex with someone else but knowing risking breaking up a child's family?
It's been five years now and I still want to contact her and tell her exactly how awful a person she is.

Also I certainly understand why you've waited for three years. Affairs do emotion damage that ricochets for years and take a long time to process.

It's even longer if the cheating partner professes sorrow and you try to move on and stay with them but find you can't.

Interesting to see that there is unanimity amongst those who were the betrayed spouse that they want to know