Inform wife's affair partner's wife?

[Jon1970]

I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.

To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.

But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.

Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

Thoughts?

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

On balance, I'd tell her - not just because he's made a mug of her, but because he's probably continually putting her sexual health at risk as others have said - I don't suppose his philandering ended in 2014. If she chooses to ignore it or deny it, there's not much you can do but your conscience will be clear.

I think you should tell her and if she wants a reason why you are telling her then the reasons you gave in your initial post are good enough. She deserves to know. She might even already know.

I’d tell her, because she deserves to know, but I’d wait until after Christmas, for her sake.

She might not care/suspect already and you telling her might have no immediate effect. How will you feel then? If it’s revenge you’re after, you might feel even worse if she stays with him.

I was told by OW's husband.

I've no idea why he did it. Could have been revenge, couod have been simply that he thought I should know.

I was weirdly glad that someone in the whole sorry mess was honest with me.

Absolutely tell her - she deserves to know (regardless of your motivation, although that is understandable).

Maybe not a letter at work - which you wouldn’t know if she’d received anyway. Try and find a way that you can tell her in person, full story before he can get to her and minimise. If there is an afternoon when he does his ‘teaching’ then would be good. Over the holidays she’ll presumably be at home too. Bear in mind she may already know some version of the truth & be fine with it though? He sounds like a bellend & if you tell her it gives her a chance of a better life without him.

Absolutely don’t write to her at work. My post at work gets opened by others regardless of whether it says ‘private’ on it

Well if she hasn't been Christmas shopping yet it'll save her a few quid if she finds out now.

She deserves to know but don't do it from revenge.

Looking at this from a different prospective here.
Have you thought about the fact his wife may question WHY you did not tell her 3 years ago! You facilitated this mans behaviour by keeping quiet, did she not deserve to know the truth then? To be treated with respect and be given the choice about the future of her marriage?
Or is it now ok to cause her hurt and upset now your own marriage is irretrievably broken down? Think about what it it you are trying to achieve here. Had this been a recent event I’d totaly understand your need to tell his wife but it was three years ago!
I understand your need for revenge, I get you have been simmering on this for three years what I don’t get is why you would want to hurt the innoscent person out of all this now? Yes he will ultimately suffer too but I can tell you now no where near as much as she will knowing a) her husband is a serial cheat and b) you knew for three years and didn’t tell her!
It him you want to feel some of the pain and humiliation you have suffered so go to him, give him the choice of coming clean to his wife and doing the right thing or tell him you will! This way you won’t be responsible for adding to this poor ladies distress and hurt when she finds out if she doesn’t know already that is.

I would tell his wife. However be careful, you are in a very vengeful mood and you are imparting life changing information here.

Think of his wife, just for a while. She will be devastated. She may choose to stay with her husband. This is out of your hands. Wait until after Christmas and tell her as gently as possible. Be available for answering any of her questions. Be compassionate to her. Remember she probably loves him.

Tell her, I'd want to know.

You don't owe anyone anything. Fuck them for being selfish twats!.

Do something for you!

I think you made the right choice three years ago when you decided not to tell her.

She deserves to know.

He deserves everything that's coming his way.

You need to be mindful of yourself though.
I don't think that you can expect to feel better if you tell her.
You are basically making her feel the way you felt when you found out about your wife's affair, so do it if you think the emotional fallout won't make things worse for how you are coping.

Go and find a willing lady who'll shag your brains out. You'll feel a lot better once you've cleared your pipes (metaphorically speaking) and will soon stop giving a toss about your imminent ex-wife and him.

I always find the world a much better place after a jolly good sesh and feel a warm glow to my fellow homo sapiens.

Sorry that you’ve had this happen to you; I totally agree that you should tell her.

After Christmas, given it’s been 3 years now anyway, would be the kinder thing for her but I understand why you’d not want him to enjoy the day.

What Norland said.

I think you should tell her for your own sanity.
For 3 years you have toyed with this idea - shall I or shant I??

3 years later the decision to tell or not tell is still eating away at you.

In simpler terms - you've chosen not to tell for 3 years. You still don't feel better/complete/the matter is over/finalised etc etc. So I would say perhaps now is the time to just tell the wife.

There is no clear cut answer. Some will say its sly and nasty to tell the wife. Others that she deserves to know. That's irrelevant imo. The reason why you tell places no difference on the fall out. Revenge it may be but it also sounds like you need to do this so you can start to move on from this sorry mess him and your wife created.

I would tell her in your situation. I expect you will feel better and be able to turn a corner once its done.

Ugh I wouldn't bother telling her but I would certainly remind him that you still have the texts. Send one. Just say look what I found. He will shit. His. Pants. Keep him on edge. That's the way to play it

Don't know why I posted "ugh"

Don't tell her at work. She's not the one you want to punish.
You need to think carefully about your motives and whether you'll feel better after. Yes you want to hurt him. That's understandable. But you need to be kind to his wife and everyone else. They didn't hurt you. They will hurt too.

Tell her Jon, I would certainly want to know and as for being responsible for delivering life changing information.....well that really isn't your fault, you are simply the messenger. The man that screws around with other people's wives knew what he was doing and knew what the possible fall out would be. If it was me I wouldn't feel bad about telling his wife , she absolutely needs to be aware , it may be painful to hear but no one I know, would want to be married to a serial cheat.

iBiscuit

I see 100% where you're coming from and what you're feeling is reasonable, in these circumstances.

I think if you don't tell her, you'll feel bitter and it will eat you up, but I also think if you do, you could possibly regret it and feel guilty (not for your wife or her lover, for the family) and you have zero to feel guilty about.

I'd be ever so curious as to if she knows, she must, surely???

You're self aware enough to know that this is about revenge.

'When you set out on a journey of revenge, dig two graves'.

Facebook?
You can attach screen shots of the messages you have