Inform wife's affair partner's wife?

[Jon1970]

I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.

To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.

But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.

Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

Thoughts?

It's a difficult one, OP. It's hard to watch wrongdoers get off scot-free but I think doing this will be like eating glass in reality.

He still has to spend his whole life living a lie after all, wondering when it will all catch up with him.

She may already know and not care.

By all means stick a print out of the text messages in an envelope and send it to her. Then be done with the whole thing or the bitterness will kill you.

I'd not say anything but completely pull away from them. It's 3 years down the line. Your doing it for revenge which never ends well. The good feeling will only happen if you feel he suffers enough.

At the moment you've retained your dignity. Put your energy into moving on with your own life not trying to ruin anyone else's.

She may already know. She may be having an affair herself. She might decide not to believe you. She may think 3 years ago was too long ago to worry about it. She may think it's ok to do this sort of thing. She may not act on it and therefore why bother yourself. Your assuming she'll leave him! This doesn't always happen.

It's far more satisfying to focus on rebuilding yourself than knocking down others. Step away from them. Let them live their own lives and you live yours.

Not sure the op sounds psychopathic Caretaker ? You on the other hand

facebook ??! Dear god, don't even think about that.

If it was me op, I'd give it a month, if you still feel the same email her.

I wish you all the best going forward

I'm so sorry to hear of this, it sounds awful.

If it was me, I would tell the wife for several reasons.

1.) I would want/expect/feel like I deserved to be told if my partner was having a full blown affair.

2.) He is essentially 'getting' away with it and will probably do it again.

3.) You've been ruminating on this for 3 years (understandably so), it may give you a great sense of relief to release the truth.

Really hope all works out.

I think the wife needs to know for sexual health reasons as I guess your exDW wasn't his only 'victim' and with a whole orchestra of mothers he's got ample opportunity on a regular basis.

However I don't think FB is a good idea, could backfire on your own kids. A letter to work, even though labelled 'Confidential and Private' is not guaranteed to be opened by her, she might have someone in her office open all her mail. Maybe a text message asking her to meet for coffee somewhere as discreet as possible, then you can show her the messages from him.

If they don't have young DC's then do it asap, but take revenge out of your mindset as that won't help anyone, even you. While I've never been in your situation I guess it will help you being able to put this behind you. At least the lady won't be left in the dark...if she doesn't know by now.

All the best, I think it's a brave move and often hear people ask 'why didn't someone tell me?'.

I would want to know. Regardless of the person's motivation for telling me.

You haven't lost your self-respect. You haven't done anything wrong, your STBXW and this woman's husband should be the ones who are ashamed.

Although I don't think it would be nice to find out in public I think if you send the letter she may be less likely to believe you. If he is a serial adulterer he will have plenty of excuses up his sleeve. Do you ever run in to them anywhere? I wouldn't necessarily try to engineer a meeting though as that is sort of stalker behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this.

Tell her absolutely, you should have when you found out.

I told OW's partner and have no regrets whatsoever- and it was honestly from a similar point of view to your own. I felt my life had been destroyed by her (& my "DP" of course) and so wanted her to suffer too. I was also of the mind that her partner had a right to know, I most certainly would have wanted to be told, and asap.

I spoke to OW first (I had her number from the texts I found) telling her to tell her partner or I would come to the house and tell him myself. I also said that I would be speaking to him a few days later either way to give him the details I had, then transcribed the texts and sent them in a "signed for" letter addressed to him - I knew which area they lived in & it was very easy to get their full address online - ending with a request that he phoned me to confirm he had received the letter and offering other evidence I had. It wasn't pleasant when he rang, didn't want any further evidence and asked me not to make contact again, to which I agreed. I feel it did help me, I don't have any regrets, and nor should you. Best wishes for your future.

Are you considering telling her [and outing him] as a way to make you feel better?

If so, will it actually work? Will you feel better?

Is your responsibility to manage and deal with your feelings?

Are other peoples choices yours to police? An eye for an eye and all that?

Most of us have been betrayed at some point in life - there are shits [like him] and there are good people. Which one are you?

Maybe revenge isn't the most positive way forward?

I would want to know.

Don't send a letter to her work, and don't use Facebook. Magpie18's approach seems best.

Be aware that you might not get the revenge hit you are after. OTOH, you won't have this decision (or the revenge fantasy) weighing on you any more, which might help you move on.

I wouldn't mail her work, imagine a busy admin person opening it with a pile of other mail.

My STBXH had sex with my friend. My friend told me on the phone. So glad she did, it means I could clearly see that STBXH didn't genuinely care for me and I could move on. I would 100% want to know. Life is too short not to be with someone who loves you and failing that I'd rather be on my own.

If you're going to tell her then you have to be kind about it. She's in your shoes too and doesn't deserve the backlash of your anger and hurt.

Don't send it to her work place, there's no knowing who else will find out about it. She should find out when she (hopefully) has time and space to process. She's innocent in this.

I would want to know. But don't do it to her work, please remember she is the innocent party here and is going to be in as much or even more than you, especially given everyone seems to know but her and she has been left in the dark for so long. Of course there is the possibility she does know, perhaps they have a more open relationship,perhaps she won't believe you, perhaps she has always known and preferred to live in ignorance. You cannot anticipate how she will react to this knew and you will be the one to effectively cause her the pain, while that's not your fault, it is your intention. You intention is to hurt her to in turn hurt him. I think there is a big difference between wanting someone to know and for revenge. I think you need to think calmly and rationally how you want to play this. There is no going back and like others have suggested she may not even believe you. How would you feel then?

Is there any mutual friends who could help in informing her?

I think the fact that your marriage has finally ended has probably triggered this need for this guy to suffer some consequences. I get that, you can't know what has gone on in his marriage but it's easy to imagine he's been having his cake and eating it while you've gone through a world of pain, and it's not fair it really isn't.

Before you do anything though I would suggest you talk to someone, preferably a councellor but even a good friend as you clearly have some feelings you need to work through and I would say that is more of a priority than telling this woman. Telling her won't magically cure you of all your hurt...

I would usually advise a wholehearted 'YES' to telling the other person what a lying scumbag they are married to.
I was cheated on and thought I was going insane.
People knew but didn't tell me and it feels absolutely awful to be the last to know. You feel like such a fool.
However..... it's been 3 years.

And in this situation, I would suggest you don't say anything.
Move on with your life and try to put all of this in the past.
You'll feel awful if you tell her now and ruin her life just before Christmas.
She didn't do anything wrong.
And whilst I believe she had a right to know when it was going on, 3 years later is not going to do anything other than cause her immense heartache and pain.

Tell her. But tell her for her sake and because she deserves to know who she is married to. Don't assume she already may know. Love is blind.

This will cause her immense pain, which is why I say tell her for her sake, not for your own satisfaction. If you don't tell her, she WILL find out eventually that he is a cheat. And then when the truth comes out about your wife and others before and after her, this woman's whole marriage will be a lie.

Give her the gift of not wasting more years, of no more future "happy photos" to look back on and realise that all that time he was dipping his wick into other women. He's slime. Let her know. But do it with kindness and in person if you can, and do it with compassion.

I spent the weekend with a bitter man.
It wasn’t nice.
He hasn’t gotten over his divorce 5 years ago yet he’s wanting to be in a new relationship.
I could see he has the makings of a nice partner but the load on his back marked ‘ bitter feelings about ex wife’ is more than a new partner would ever want to take on board.

I was tempted to tell him but didnt feel I knew him anywhere near well enough so I shall say it to you
The bitterness you are feeling comes shining through. It’s eating away at your very core and sweetheart it’s just not worth it.
It’s time to let go or you will find yourself in your fifties bitter, angry and alone.
You’re talking about exploding a can of worms that once out of the can who knows what damage they will continue to cause for years and you will be forever linked to that.

Far better to have some counselling, look at ways to deal with your anger and rebuild your life with solid foundations of goodness and happiness and not on someone else’s misery ( hers)

These things have a way of working themselves out anyway and don’t worry their lives will not be a bed of roses.

Concentrate on yourself. Then you will be in a better position to attract someone who deserves you.

But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back.

This is a really unhealthy way to look at things. This is about someone you loved and trusted betraying you not another man taking your things and encroaching on you property and you as a man having to show you are the dominant male.

In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong.

This is just life. Things happen that are really sad and really unfair. You could have told the wife 3 years ago but you chose not to, it is very unlikely that he will be punished in the way you would like. It is more likely that it would cause you a great deal more pain and frustration.

Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This has only become an issue to you because of your drive to get revenge.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

And this is a massive problem. Why do you think you get self respect from causing harm to others?

Healthy people get self respect by advocating for themselves in ways that are principled and fair. If your self respect is founded on the ability to hurt and destroy then in the end you will hurt and destroy yourself.

I think the wife has a right to know but agree with hells that it has been three years. That said I still think you should tell her but only when you are able to do it from a place of concern for her and not from a place of revenge against him.

I believe you would benefit from some counselling TBH.

OP - I don't know what the right thing to do is. But here's my experience.

My life collapsed when I found out about ex-DH's affair (I lost a baby - very early could have been the stress, could have just not meant to be). I later found out it was not his first, so very clear the blame lay with him not her.

However, I struggled so much that OW's life continued untouched. She was a work colleague of ex-DH - I'd met her and her then DH - she was very sweet to my face, and made an extra special effort to be 'buddy' like with me - all the while shagging my husband. I was actually suspicious at one point and she called me to assure me that 'nothing was going on'.

I didn't want to be a bitter angry wife, but part of me just could not reconcile that once I found out about the affair, I was then part of this secret and expected to play nice and not upset anyone else (whilst the affair partners could do whatever they liked)

After several months of this of taking the higher ground, I called her and told her to tell her DH or that I would do it for her. I felt much better - maybe that makes me a bad person. I don't give a shit. I don't like her and I felt her then DH deserved better. He agreed and they divorced (there were no children in their case).

I am now very happily divorced - I am not bitter or angry and have written off my marriage as a mistake that I have learnt a lot from. I am not proud of how I behaved, but not ashamed either and I think it was something I needed to do - and do you know what - I decided that my needs came first that time.

However, I need to add that this was all part of a process that involved counselling and really re-thinking my life (I've since changed careers, and made my happiness a priority). Good luck OP - whatever you decide it's time to move on - there is happiness out there if you want it.

Just to add - the OW has since remarried and has a family. As far as I know she's happy - so I probably did her a favour too.

If you do tell her, don't make her find out anywhere public like work. I was told about my h's affair at work and was in shock and blabbed it out to colleagues. So now everyone knows, and I am the subject of gossip, which is damaging to my professional identity and personally humiliating.

She's a person not just an pawn in your revenge scenario. If you tell her do it as compassionately as you can.

And then let go of the result. A lot of marriages survive knowledge of affairs. How would you feel to see them in a couple of years time, holding hands and talking about the experience was hard but made them that much stronger (might be unlikely but possible).

You could try drafting the letter, then let it sit for some days. Read it through carefully. Is it something you'd be happy to put your name to and have in existence several years from now.

A deputy head married to a youth orchestra leader?

I’d just send her a link to this thread. It won’t take her long to work it out.

What she does after that is her concern but she has the right to know her husband is screwing around.