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Original poster

Talk me down - new boyfriend gone AWOL

123 replies

hotchpotch7 · 02/12/2017 19:11

New boyfriend (of three months) hasn't replied to a message since 8pm yesterday.

I messaged him at 11pm and he didn't respond. Sent an unrelated text today asking how his day was at 4pm and he hasn't responded!

It hasn't been read but he has been online.

In my worry I can think of two outcomes:

1 - he's doing a DIY project this weekend. Could be absorbed in that.

2 - he's gone on another date/doesn't want to talk to me.

Help me get perspective please!

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 03/12/2017 08:26

What was the point of this thread OP? You’ve admitted that you don’t always respond to him straightaway yet as soon as he doe# the same you make a thread on Mumsnet about it...?

As for all these posters projecting, I don’t quite know what to say really. I don’t like phone calls, does that mean I’m up to no good?

TidyLike · 03/12/2017 08:55

But I do think he isn’t that bothered about talking to you

He was probably into his DIY. In any healthy relationship, both partners have their own interests outside the relationship. A relationship where either party will drop everything to respond to their partner is not particularly healthy.

YouThought · 03/12/2017 10:22

Wow so much projecting going on. I hope some of you let your partners know what your rules are.

Glad he replied OP and that you are feeling ok about it now. I'd suggest that you let him know that you were worried that he hadnt messaged you. He might think it's perfectly ok so it would be unfair of you not to let him know what you expect of him. Personally, id find it annoying that I would be expected to reply to texts within a given time but I'd rather know about it that be unwittingly causing my partner upset. As always communication is the key

Not liking phoning is completely normal - that wouldn't bother me

rememberthetime · 03/12/2017 11:05

Turn off the "last seen" on your messaging service. It just causes problems. I felt so much better after doing this. You can still see if they have read your messages, but not if they have been online and the last time.

This ability to snoop on their online habits is not healthy

Original poster

hotchpotch7 · 03/12/2017 12:03

I think it was just a case of too much time on my hands to think. By being online I meant he had been on whatsapp - but I also often do this - normally when I'm talking to friends or don't have much time to think of a proper reply.

Surprised so many people think not talking on the phone is odd. He told me on one of our first dates he hated it and much prefers messaging or meeting up.

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/12/2017 17:25

He's never done this before which is odd.

My dear. You’ve known him about 12 weeks, seen him a couple of times a week...

You simply DONT know him for long enough to say what’s odd or not.

Keep perspective, this is a very new thing, you don’t know how he ordinarily operates.

This sucks. I know, but if it is going tits up, best to know sooner rather than later.

(((Hug)))

offside · 03/12/2017 19:29

both myself and my DH HATE talking on the phone. We didn’t talk on the phone for the first 3 years of our relationship, not once. And the only reason we do now is because he works away a lot and we have a DD who he speaks to by video chat on WhatsApp every night he is away. If it wasn’t for her we still wouldn’t have spoken on the phone to this day.

Just a side note on this too, my DHs friends always joke that if they put in a position where they had one phone call to make and if the person picked up they would be killed, they would definitely choose my DH as they know he would never answer. We both know if something is urgent the person would either continue to call/leave a voice message/or text.

My mother would be one of the posters who says it’s bullshit as she spends her entire days on the phone, but it absolutely isn’t.

again both myself and DH sure guilty of not responding to one another’s messages but being active on WhatsApp. And that’s because we tend to get into lengthy conversations (what with us hating speaking on the phone) via WhatsApp and sometimes it’s just not convenient to do so, but it’s eqsy to respond to group chat or others when it’s less time consuming and only requires one liners.

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 14:14

I don't think the not talking on the phone is odd as some of my dearest friends are like this but what I do find odd is 1. You don't see him on a Saturday night which is basically date night, he goes off and vanishes to the "holiday home". 2. He doesn't have any form of social media

This day and age everybody has Facebook , if I were you I would do some online snooping , I.e type his number into Facebook and see if you get anything returned.

Also maybe ask him casually if he would like a hand renovating on a Saturday night , you could help with the DIY project...watch his reaction . If he adamantly doesn't want you help then I would start to consider the truthfulness of this.

roverman75 · 04/12/2017 14:57

Not everybody has social media that's just guessing , I have no Facebook ,Twitter or what's app or anything else ,have no intention on getting any either . People who matter know how to get hold of me , not everyone wants social media ,even my home phone is disconnected , mobile only and only if not driving . As to op just see how things go it's still a newish relationship

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 15:04

Hiya rover , I didn't say everyone has FB but it is more unusual... that combined with not seeing someone on a Saturday night would make me want to pay close attention.

A dear friend of mine was dating a man for 6 months , he had told her he wasn't on Facebook etc. Turned out one day when she decided to put his number into Facebook he indeed did have a profile and was listed as in a relationship (of 4 years) with a woman he had child with so this stuff does happen. Background check always , no one likes their time wasted

OnionKnight · 04/12/2017 15:33

Saturday night which is basically date night

According to who?

You do realise that not every relationship is the same?

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 15:46

Hiya onion , if you was to ask the majority of people when they see the person they are dating I guarantee you the majority would say a Saturday night .... ofcourse I realise every relationship is different, but this is a forum where everybody can express their views right?? & my view is that would make me pay close attention , I'm not saying LTB but have your eyes open

roverman75 · 04/12/2017 15:48

Hi lefty1 ,guess I have a problem when I decide to start dating again ,if anyone wants to background check ,because I don't come up on an internet search ,(I've looked) ,guess that it will stop a lot of possible dates ,but so what. I prefer my privacy .I think if you're honest about it or even hate using the phone , ( have that issue as well) then if your partner understands that there shouldn't be any problems

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 15:59

Yes Rover I agree , I'm not a fan of social media either I have to say but it did prove a useful tool to me when I was doing online dating (before meeting DP) as you can check that they are single and perhaps have similar interests and (especially important in online dating) not a catfish which unfortunately happens a lot in this day and age.

Kickassname · 04/12/2017 16:00

Lefty1 "This day and age everybody has Facebook" 🤔

On a separate note I do think whatsapp has a lot to answer for. I can quickly nip on to read, takes a second, but I don't have time to reply how I want to, so I wait until I can devote my full attention to it.

IsItThursdayYet · 04/12/2017 16:02

I really don't think it's odd to not use social media and not be joined at the hip to your phone (or each other).

He's got a project he enjoys that he gets engrossed in. It's also a project that can go on all day and won't be phone friendly a lot of the time, dust, paint, noise...

I don't think it's anything to worry about.

LineysRunner · 04/12/2017 16:08

Maybe he was whatsapping someone for help with his DIY project. OH and his best mate do this.

They're oblivious to everyone else till they get a job finished. They built a chalet once and disappeared for three weekends in a row. In December. That was fun.

roverman75 · 04/12/2017 16:09

If I discovered someone had checked up on me like that they would not get a second date ,and yes I would ask if they have checked ,to me it means they have trust issues , I know most won't agree with me but that's my decision.
Could explain why OLD hasn't been working for me and I can't be bothered at the moment.
As for the op I think 12weeks isn't long enough to know someone . It was six months before I discovered my last girlfriend was a jealous ,controller as she had been hiding it . The op needs a bit more time to find out what he's really like.

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 16:18

Hiya rover , it doesn't necessarily mean trust issues in terms of " Im going to accuse you of cheating constantly" but speaking from a single mum perspective I would want to get a sense of who this person is that I'm meeting up with if that makes sense, I just think you can't be too careful.

roverman75 · 04/12/2017 16:24

Hi lefty . As a lone father I can understand that , I just find the whole social media thing a pain in the arse , I think it's made life worse to be honest , what did people do before ,trusted people more I think.,
Gone a bit off of op's original post though.

CheeriosEverywhere · 04/12/2017 16:33

There is a lot of paranoia and neediness here. Is it normal for adults to conduct relationships like this?

MinorRSole · 04/12/2017 16:39

I hate talking on the phone, I find it restricting and annoying not to mention some people drone on for hours. I very rarely even answer my phone and never if I don't recognise the number.
Dh phones me occasionally, I think he forgets. I don't see the point as we will see each other in the evening but he would text all day if I replied. I'm not cheating/have never cheated. I just talk less than he does

Angelf1sh · 04/12/2017 16:51

I know this is long-since resolved, but seriously OP you need to get some perspective. Not replying to a text within 3 hours is not going AWOL, it just being busy!! You need to have a think about why your immediate assumption about your boyfriend is negative.

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