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Original poster

Talk me down - new boyfriend gone AWOL

123 replies

hotchpotch7 · 02/12/2017 19:11

New boyfriend (of three months) hasn't replied to a message since 8pm yesterday.

I messaged him at 11pm and he didn't respond. Sent an unrelated text today asking how his day was at 4pm and he hasn't responded!

It hasn't been read but he has been online.

In my worry I can think of two outcomes:

1 - he's doing a DIY project this weekend. Could be absorbed in that.

2 - he's gone on another date/doesn't want to talk to me.

Help me get perspective please!

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 02/12/2017 20:52

DIY project?
Doesn't talk on the phone?

The shit these men pull.

oldlaundbooth · 02/12/2017 20:52

Holiday home!

SheepyFun · 02/12/2017 20:53

Was he with his phone all day? I often don't have mine with me, and its usually in a different room to me - I couldn't tell you where it is now (I'm on a laptop). I'm also in my 30's before you start wondering just how old I am. I sometimes don't notice text messages for days....

Original poster
hotchpotch7 · 02/12/2017 20:55

Yes been to both the holiday home and his actual home. Holiday home once as it's far away, but definitely in need of a lot of renovating - no one lives there, it's not really habitable. Actual home - been there numerous times and stayed.

I have never seen him talk on the phone to anyone. Don't think it's so far fetched that he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 02/12/2017 20:55

I think it's just as well I'm not dating. I can go days without noticing I have a text because I don't look at my phone. I may however go online via another device.

Based on the comments on here, this makes me not worth bothering with and likely to be having an affair with someone else ... rather than just someone else who has various things going on in their life!

cakedup · 02/12/2017 21:01

I feel like I've just entered a parallel universe where just because a man doesn't like talking on the phone or takes longer than a WHOLE day to reply to a text, it means he is cheating and/or not interested in you. Sorry but you do sound paranoid and needy. Chill out. And 3 months is not significant!

I prefer not to speak on the phone. And sometimes I forget to text people back for a couple of days. But then I have a full and busy life and am very independent.

debbs77 · 02/12/2017 21:02

I hate this. And then they say they didn't have time to message.....you know, the 20 seconds it takes to send a message!

DivisionBelle · 02/12/2017 21:14

So he is doing up a wreck a few hours from home. Presumably has a day job, so gets on with this on a Saturday.
The OP knows this and has been there.
He may Well be up a ladder, covered in paint or putty, working fast to finish a job before the light fails.

However in the MN mind he is cheating, ‘pulling shit’, not prioritising the OP, and should be dumped.

If a man demanded that a woman drop everything in the middle of a spa day to answer a text, and them sent her an arsey text there would be an outcry!

user1492958275 · 02/12/2017 21:22

You don't instantly reply to him, he doesn't instantly reply to you.

So what was the point here?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/12/2017 22:27

Perhaps you are letting your happiness depend on another person. In the kindest possible way, it is not anyone's responsibility to make you happy. You (in a general sense) are responsible for your own happiness, iyswim. So don't let your happiness get tied down by what someone else is doing or not doing.
Always have a plan B, so you have that distraction you can easily turn to, which will help you move forward if plan A gets stuck or fails. (I am not suggesting a back up boyfriend-just something you can do on your own that isn't dependent on someone else.) It might be worthwhile to have something to do that does not involve social media.

Original poster
hotchpotch7 · 02/12/2017 22:33

I don't think social media comes into it - he doesn't have any social media accounts.

But yes I'm fairly independent but it obviously becomes difficult when you develop feelings for another person - surely it's bound to make you unhappy when they seem distant?

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 02/12/2017 22:37

Hang on, so now you say that you don't always reply?

Then you're complaining that he's not replying to you?

I was one of the posters ( will point out I've not once said he's probably got somebody else aswell or he's shagging behind your back, but I'd leave him) but you can't do the same and then have a go about him not replying?

This just seems silly. So I'll say again what I said at the beginning...

Bin him off... Because it just seems childish

Eryri1981 · 02/12/2017 22:50

I don't think not liking talking on the phone is a red flag. DH doesn't like talking on the phone, I found it slightly odd when we first got together, but soon got used to it. I even told him I was pregnant by messenger (he was working away) which is now our standard form of communication. With dh phone calls are literally for major crisis, and nothing else.

XmasInTintagel · 02/12/2017 22:56

You don't bother to reply to his texts, so he is just treating you like you treat him. Both as bad as each other
Or..both fairly laid back, but because the OP was less busy than him this weekend, she just for a few hours, felt a bit vulnerable because she cares about him, and worried a bit that he was less keen. And she came on here to ask for some calm common sense and perspective.
Seriously, there are apparently some people who expect an instant reply, and would end a relationship if they don't get one...but most of us just chill a little and realise we're over interpreting the gap in communication!

anxiousnow · 02/12/2017 23:00

Hotch - glad he has replied. You said your messages are normally quite long and involved so imo it is fine he didn't reply at first even though online. I would just forget this as long as it doesn't become a more regular occurrence. Nothing to worry abiut imo but get why you were reply watching at first. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Original poster
hotchpotch7 · 02/12/2017 23:01

Xmas I think you just understood the whole situation and articulated it much better than I did! Thank you.

Yes we are both reasonably laid back - him perhaps more so but he's honestly practically horizontal. In an average day one of us could message in the morning and the other night respond in the evening.

We've just had a lovely week together and therefore I just panicked a bit that he seemed to be distant.

Just wanted to be calmed down before doing anything irrational!

OP posts:
XmasInTintagel · 02/12/2017 23:01

DIY project?
Doesn't talk on the phone?
The shit these men pull.

Wow, I did up a house, and don't like to talk on the phone much, but I hadn't realised I was 'pulling shit'. My DP also doesn't seem to have realised that either, in 5 years of it Grin

walnutwhip88 · 02/12/2017 23:02

If he wanted to speak to you he would, it's not a good sign i don't think

XmasInTintagel · 02/12/2017 23:05

Enjoy the rest of your weekend OP, and catch up on stuff you wouldn't do when he's around (read 'War and Peace', or learn advanced calculus ;-D).

Chippyway · 02/12/2017 23:37

OP before he text back you admitted this isn’t the type of relationship you want to be in. You then received ONE crappy text back and all’s well again, and you’re back to making excuses for him?

He may have been super busy doing his diy but he still had lots of time to spend online! Why couldn’t he have messaged you back? Not because he couldn’t, because he chose not to.

I think it’s OTT when in every thread it’s assumed he’s cheating or has a wife hidden away. I don’t think that’s the case here. But I do think he isn’t that bothered about talking to you and you are clutching at anything possible to justify his actions.

Originalfoogirl · 03/12/2017 00:49

* Doesn't like talking on the phone? I smell BS*

I never spoke to mr foo on the phone when we first got together. Neither of us are "phone for a chat" type people (except with our mums or my sister).

We've been together 18 years and to be honest, we don't talk on the phone much now either. If we're away with work we tend to text rather than chat. The only time we phone is if it's something that needs to be discussed and can't risk a text is missed.

DivisionBelle · 03/12/2017 05:53

We don’t know that he spent ‘lots’ of time online.

Or what he was doing online.

My BIL watches YouTube videos of DIY jobs before he does them. For example.

AmeliaFlashtart · 03/12/2017 07:13

There's no law that says texts have to be replied to straight away. It drives me mad when people expect this. If you have a day apart, leave it! Catch up when you see each other again. It's all a bit insecure and needy.

Desmondo2016 · 03/12/2017 07:21

A) I don't like talking on the phone. Before DC if DH was away with work I would much prefer just to keep in touch by message. Same with adult dc who I don't see every day. Just the way I am but it does exist!

B) if he says he was engrossed in his diy is it not likely that he was, indeed, engrossed in his diy?!

teabagfreak · 03/12/2017 08:07

He could have been online chatting to someone re the project, getting advice on how to do something towards the project. I've seen myself do this often whilst not opening other messages, just responding to one person and then when time later respond to others.

I think because you had free time Op you have got a bit paranoid, which let's face it, we have all been guilty of at one point in our lives, mind running wild imaging all sorts 🙄

Glad your sorted now though 👍

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