Wasting my fertile years with him.

[sofakingg00d]

I am 32, DP is 37 no kids.

I have been with DP for 8 years we are engaged - wedding booked for February and are in the process of buying a house - or so I thought. We currently don't live together due to moving back into our parents whilst buying a house. It was supposed to be 3-6 months max and now we are at 18 months.

I drove past 'our house' today to see a for sale sign outside, turns out DP has been completely lying when he has been telling me all is in hand. He hasn't handed in any of the paperwork stuff I have been giving him and the house is now back on the market. He's having cold feet about us buying the house together and decided to just lie and tell me everything was fine.

This has happened before with a house and he convinced me it was about the house and not about our relationship. This is the latest in a long line of dragging feet and commitment phobic episodes from DP but he always manages to convince me it's because of his depression and he loves me and wants all the same things as me.

I feel like I've been waiting for him for years. I love him and want the house, marriage and kids with him but it seems like he doesn't. He would never break up with me, I know he won't but he's not prepared to go the whole hog either.

He says he is depressed and can't see a way out but refuses to do anything about his depression. He hates living at his parents but won't/ can't move out (not a financial issue he and I are both good earners)

Do I walk away before it's too late? I just don't know what to do.

*Hal Arkes and Catehrine Blumer created an experiment in 1985 which demonstrated your tendency to go fuzzy when sunk costs come along. They asked subjects to assume they had spent $100 on a ticket for a ski trip in Michigan, but soon after found a better ski trip in Wisconsin for $50 and bought a ticket for this trip too. They then asked the people in the study to imagine they learned the two trips overlapped and the tickets couldn’t be refunded or resold. Which one do you think they chose, the $100 good vacation, or the $50 great one?

Over half of the people in the study went with the more expensive trip. It may not have promised to be as fun, but the loss seemed greater. That’s the fallacy at work, because the money is gone no matter what. You can’t get it back. The fallacy prevents you from realizing the best choice is to do whatever promises the better experience in the future, not which negates the feeling of loss in the past.*

Good analogy

that's brilliant queenofthesheds and true

if he's like this over a house, how well do you think he would cope with the complete commitment required when you have small children?

and stringing you along about the house is just a horrible thing to do.

Walk away now op. I stayed with someone for nearly 4 years who was stringing me along with no intention of proposing or having kids with me. It will hurt like hell but you deserve honesty and to have the life you want.

He told you that you were buying a house together but you only found out by accident that it wasn't true. That's a pretty massive lie in my book. Was he ever going to tell you? How long did he intend to string you along? I'm so angry on your behalf that he deceived you like that.
I'm afraid he's not going to commit and he can't be trusted.

Please call an end to it and find someone trustworthy who wants the same future as you do and who will make you happy.

I wouldn't bother let him have his say. This would have been a deal breaker for me the first time. Don't waste any more time or energy on someone who feels little for you. Walk out now before he saps any more of your strength.

I’m echoing everyone’s thoughts on here...leave him!

Earlier this year I had to cancel a wedding - it seems surreal to think about but once you do it all will make sense.

I too am worried about my fertility, but this man is not the father of your future children. You deserve more.

Don’t worry about the future but try and dodge this bullet now.

Yes, cancel the wedding now. It's still better than hitching yourself to someone who is so reluctant to commit to you after all this time. Don't let him dick you around any longer and don't listen to any guff about how he just needs a bit more time. He's had more than enough.

How did it go last night, OP? Has he sent off the email which would apparently get the house purchase back on track? Or have you dumped him??

You got to split up OP, this is going nowhere, actions speak louder than words.

He doesn’t want to get married.
He doesn’t want to buy a house with you and move in together.
Please don’t waste any more of your time and energy on a liar.

Op

Word of advice

In future get fully ready involved with every part of a house purchase whether you buy on your own or as a couple.

If this wedding is Feb where did he intend to live after ceremony?

Don't marry a liar

Leave him

Leave. He lies to you.

Buy your place, op even if it's just a tiny flat. Start living your life and get your future started with this deceitful arsehole.

I hope you told him its over. What are your plans now?.

Dump him, then immediately start dating again.

Op if you are really struggling to walk away can you have counselling (on your own) to talk through your lack of confidence?

Why have you set the bar for your rlestionship so low?