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Original poster

Wasting my fertile years with him.

119 replies

sofakingg00d · 01/12/2017 14:54

I am 32, DP is 37 no kids.

I have been with DP for 8 years we are engaged - wedding booked for February and are in the process of buying a house - or so I thought. We currently don't live together due to moving back into our parents whilst buying a house. It was supposed to be 3-6 months max and now we are at 18 months.

I drove past 'our house' today to see a for sale sign outside, turns out DP has been completely lying when he has been telling me all is in hand. He hasn't handed in any of the paperwork stuff I have been giving him and the house is now back on the market. He's having cold feet about us buying the house together and decided to just lie and tell me everything was fine.

This has happened before with a house and he convinced me it was about the house and not about our relationship. This is the latest in a long line of dragging feet and commitment phobic episodes from DP but he always manages to convince me it's because of his depression and he loves me and wants all the same things as me.

I feel like I've been waiting for him for years. I love him and want the house, marriage and kids with him but it seems like he doesn't. He would never break up with me, I know he won't but he's not prepared to go the whole hog either.

He says he is depressed and can't see a way out but refuses to do anything about his depression. He hates living at his parents but won't/ can't move out (not a financial issue he and I are both good earners)

Do I walk away before it's too late? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
queenofthesheds · 01/12/2017 15:55

God this is going to be one of those ones where the OP doesn’t come back. And then gets jilted.

pallisers · 01/12/2017 15:56

Walk away. He is telling you as clearly as he can that he does not want to marry you or commit to you in any meaningful way. You are young still. Leave him and meet someone else. Preferably someone who has the balls to tell a woman when he doesn't want to marry her, doesn't lie to her about major things like house purchases and who doesn't use depression as an excuse.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 01/12/2017 15:59

Walk away because he doesn't want to commit and you do.

I hate the phrase 'wasting my fertile years' though. No-one owes anyone else a baby and it's not something a relationship should be based on.

katmarie · 01/12/2017 16:01

Leave him, he will never change, I promise you. I left a man like this after 10 years at the age of 33. I'm now 36 and expecting my first child with a wonderful man who has committed to me heart and soul. We're getting married next year too. Don't wait to see if it will get better, it won't. There is better out there for you though.

My ex strung me along for ten years before it all came out, he never wanted kids and he never wanted to get married, after telling me for years 'some day'. To make matters worse I gave up my career and followed him abroad assuming we would get married eventually. Not getting married meant my stay in that country was very restricted and I could never get a job, or to visit home and be allowed to return. I did that for 4 years with him before I realised he didn't give a shit about my future, only his own. I'm still trying to recover my career now, three years after leaving him. I try not to have any regrets because I am where I am now and I'm so happy, but hindsight is painful sometimes.

Tinselistacky · 01/12/2017 16:01

Imagine being jilted at the alter.
That what waits ahead for you op.

beesandknees · 01/12/2017 16:03

OP I got together with my ex at 20, left when I was 31, and realized at 32 that all my friends and acquaintances were only just starting to settle down in the way I did in my early 20s... you do not need to stay with this man... a huge number of women your age are only just starting to choose who to settle down with.

Jump off this bus to nowhere, shake up your life, and start getting to know YOU again.

This man must have been draining the life out of you for ages now. The lies he's told are on par with assaults imo. You must feel so hurt, shattered even. Don't let it carry on!

Categoric · 01/12/2017 16:03

Please just leave and spare yourself anymore pain. I had a great friend from uni who kept his girlfriend hanging on for 10 years. Eventually she left and within a year he was married to someone else and the the new wife was pregnant very quickly. The ex girlfriend was gutted and I had a huge go at him over his behaviour towards her. He simply said that he hadn’t loved her enough to marry her but she was good enough to keep around.... He didn’t understand that he had kept her hanging around until 36 desperate for marriage and a baby, wasting her most fertile time. We aren’t friends anymore as I don’t want to be friends with such a selfish arse. I’m god mother to his ex girlfriend’s first child....

Original poster
sofakingg00d · 01/12/2017 16:20

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses, I knew that was what everyone would say but I needed to hear it anyway. It's just really hard to walk away, I've tried to leave before for the same reasons but he wouldn't let me go. I moved out but he just kept contacting me and promising me the world. There was grand gestures the whole lot. I feel like im not strong enough to withstand that and will just end up back with him. I know I need to leave I just dont know how to do it.

I can block him on everything but he will still find a way. Sorry for sounding so pathetic!

Thanks.

OP posts:
Toprate · 01/12/2017 16:22

Surely you can't go ahead with the wedding when you know what he has done. Where will you both live if you get married in February?

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 16:22

Ditch him.

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 16:25

This has happened before with a house

^

WTAF. Just leave him!

BewareOfDragons · 01/12/2017 16:29

If you want children, you need to walk away from him now.

Find someone who is on the same page as you.

You are wasting your fertile years with this man... he's dragging his feet and lying about it... he doesn't want these things with you or he'd be moving heaven and earth to have them with you to keep you.

Moanyoldcow · 01/12/2017 16:31

It's not his decision. Practise saying 'go away - I don't want to see you or speak to you' and stick to it.

Or just ignore the problems and enjoy being jilted. How can you think he'll go through with marriage if he won't buy a house?

Albatross26 · 01/12/2017 16:36

he wouldn't let me go

He's not your jailer. He can't physically stop you from leaving, if you wanted to enough. I can't believe you've put up with so much shit for so long! Where's your self respect?! Sorry for being harsh I'm just angry on your behalf. This is beyond taking the piss. Grand gestures mean nothing without actions to back them up. I think you know this will never change. Get out now, there's plenty of time to meet someone else Flowers

Pacificly · 01/12/2017 16:51

He lied he didn't promise you the world. He didn't do anything! What world did he give you no house living separately in parents house saving for a house he refuses to buy!!
You're going to marry him because its easier than ignoring his pathetic attempts at empty promises and fake bullshitting.
You do know changing your pH number, blocking him on social media ignoring him will be cheaper than a divorce

He's lied twice now about a house sale : depression doesn't make you lie. Being a liar who doesn't care does tho!

MikeUniformMike · 01/12/2017 16:52

Everything I said earlier. The poster Categoric, who said "hadn’t loved her enough to marry her but she was good enough to keep around", sums it up. What you have is worse than friend with benefits, you're a girlfiend with no benefits.

Break up with him now for good.
He will never marry you.

Gemini69 · 01/12/2017 16:57

you are sacrificing the chance to have those wonderful children you dream of... by staying with this selfish deceitful clown ... but as long as you know this and are happy to do that.. then fair enough Flowers

PNGirl · 01/12/2017 17:00

Even if you got all the way to setting a date, you'd be terrified he wouldn't turn up on the day or would disappear halfway through a pregnancy. How could you live like that?

Mylady · 01/12/2017 17:01

FFS - walk away - end of.

EvilRinguBitch · 01/12/2017 17:02

You need real life support in making this decision. MN is great but you will need friends and relatives who are on the same page. I know it’s tough admitting to this stuff to real life people but it will be worth it if your family and friends are decent people. Explain that you cannot love the rest of your life, let alone have children, with an unreliable man who lies to you, and let them have your back.

Where are you planning to move out to?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/12/2017 17:03

Well, you don't want a nice man and kids that much then do you OP?

sentenceinterrupted · 01/12/2017 17:08

I have been here, OP. It was so hard for me to walk away. I still think of him fondly. And you know what, it was the best thing I did. I met a man who actually did what he said as well as loved and cherished me. 14 years later, I'm still so happy and life is actually being lived, not waiting for whatever the excuse that is never over or is replaced by the next one, to be over so that you can live life.

You deserve better. Oh, and be prepared that you leaving may be the wake up call he needs and he'll actually realise he needs to make changes. This does not mean you should go back to him. This means he will hopefully find a better way to live and give someone else the benefit of that, because you gave him the gift of showing him what wasn't acceptable in a lifelong relationship. It doesn't mean the next girl is 'better' either..

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 01/12/2017 17:09

He didn't 'not let you go'. You're not married, you don't have children, you don't live together.

If you block him on everything and he finds a way, you be an adult and you don't go back because you've made a decision and you don't believe his promising you the world anymore.

You can't keep deciding to stay in a relationship with someone that you know can't give you what you need and then complain you're 'wasting fertile years'.

Draw a line. Don't go back on it.

NellMangel · 01/12/2017 17:10

Walk away now.

If he's queasy about house buying there's no way he'll want kids. And his lying and betrayal over the house(s) makes him totally untrustworthy.

Honestly give yourself a chance of the future YOU want. X

queenofthesheds · 01/12/2017 17:11

Tell your family everything. Every lie, every time he said he was sending paperwork, the lot. Then they can help you stay strong against this bellend —and ideally send some handy types round to see him off—Grin