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Original poster

Wasting my fertile years with him.

119 replies

sofakingg00d · 01/12/2017 14:54

I am 32, DP is 37 no kids.

I have been with DP for 8 years we are engaged - wedding booked for February and are in the process of buying a house - or so I thought. We currently don't live together due to moving back into our parents whilst buying a house. It was supposed to be 3-6 months max and now we are at 18 months.

I drove past 'our house' today to see a for sale sign outside, turns out DP has been completely lying when he has been telling me all is in hand. He hasn't handed in any of the paperwork stuff I have been giving him and the house is now back on the market. He's having cold feet about us buying the house together and decided to just lie and tell me everything was fine.

This has happened before with a house and he convinced me it was about the house and not about our relationship. This is the latest in a long line of dragging feet and commitment phobic episodes from DP but he always manages to convince me it's because of his depression and he loves me and wants all the same things as me.

I feel like I've been waiting for him for years. I love him and want the house, marriage and kids with him but it seems like he doesn't. He would never break up with me, I know he won't but he's not prepared to go the whole hog either.

He says he is depressed and can't see a way out but refuses to do anything about his depression. He hates living at his parents but won't/ can't move out (not a financial issue he and I are both good earners)

Do I walk away before it's too late? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Trills · 02/12/2017 09:20

You can leave him if you want. He doesn't need to let you. It doesn't matter what he says to you.

He is a liar.

He lied about buying the house. That's a huge and expensive lie.

Anything else he says to you, you won't believe it. You know he lies. So it doesn't matter what he says.

Trills · 02/12/2017 09:21

Being on your own is SO MUCH NICER than being with someone like this.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/12/2017 13:50

He didn't refuse to let you go - you are in control of this and you make your own choices. If you decide to walk away - and you bloody well should because he's wasting your time, then you simply tell him it's over.

Fuck off.
You're a liar and I don't believe a word you say - so you can shove your grand gestures and promises.
I am not interested in seeing or speaking to you ever again.
If you carry on contacting me I'll go to the Police.

Sorted.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2017 14:01

Dump him, unless you want to never have a family, never own a home, never grow up.

He may well be stalling simply to deliberately waste your fertility, so he keeps his partner but doesn't have to have children.

As for him 'not letting' you go - sorry, but this is entirely up to YOU. Your subsequent post is crazy - grand gestures? so what? promising the world? - err, did you miss hte bit about him being a DUPLICITOUS LIAR? - keeps contacting you - call the police.

You don't even live together!!! Personally, if it were me, after this performance, I'd dump him and not even tell him. 'Sorry, we haven't actually been together for a while. I'm on dating sites actually. No, I didn't tell you because I didn't think you'd like it. You know, like the house we were supposed to be buying'. Haha (only half jokingly)

'I know I need to leave I just don't know how to do it.'

Again, you don't live together, largely because he's stringing you along and has done for years. So there is no 'leave'. You ARE left.

It's very simple. You tell him you're done, you block him on everything, you tell your parents this is it, please don't let him in. And then, when he 'finds a way' - you call the police and report him for harassment.

It is all up to you but you either get away from this fuckign pric now or stay with him holding his hand for the next forty-odd very lonely, very frustrating years of NOTHING.

ohfourfoxache · 02/12/2017 14:31

Don’t walk away. Run.

SmokeintheR00m · 02/12/2017 14:59

The house is back on the market. So cancel all the wedding plans and then cancel Him! He is not worth spending any more time or effort. He had his chance to be with you and he has lost it!. I'd rather be single than waste my time with someone who was messing me around. You don't live with him, it should be easy to walk away.

Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2017 15:19

Op, when the shock wears off you will start to realise this was a blessing in disguise.

You have been given clear and overwhelming evidence that he is not the man for you.

What you need to do is listen to this and take action.Trust that this is right path for you..too many of us have had warnings about relationships but because of fear of loss we tolerate the situation.

ferando81 · 02/12/2017 15:24

Horrible horrible man .I actually think this is worse than someone lashing out or cheating on impulse Its thought out calculating deception.He knows the clock is ticking and how important this is to you and he still lies and refuses to let you leave.Hes taken you hostage but you won't realise until it's too late

BakedBeans47 · 02/12/2017 15:26

Depression my arse. He’s a scheming commitment phobic liar just using that as an excuse. LTB.

Annabelle4 · 02/12/2017 16:30

How are you OP? Flowers

BrandNewHouse · 02/12/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sofakingg00d · 02/12/2017 17:00

Hi everyone,

I'm ok. I've had this conversation in my head so many times and have said all the same things to myself. I know I need to walk away, it's just this nagging feeling that I could be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I know that's ridiculous!

It's just depressing to have invested so much time, energy and love into a relationship with a complete and utter dickhead. I thought he was a good person, I was clearly wrong.

I told him it was over last night on the phone he said he had just delayed sending the documents off so he could speak to me this weekend (I know this is a lie!) and all he has to do to sort it out is send an e-mail. He can't even tell me the truth now. I said I'd see him tonight so he can say his piece, I don't know why but I suppose we should talk face to face.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/12/2017 17:05

Repeat-and repeat- you are lying. The house is for sale. I won't go throigh this again, you have used up your chances. It's over. Tell him you are going to look for a decent guy who loves you, can commit and wants a family, because you deserve that. and skip out the door.

Tell someone everything before you speak to him so they can check in and make sure you haven't caved. Although god knows why you would.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2017 17:08

Jesus.

Please ignore the 'nagging feeling'. And google 'sunk costs'.

Agreeing to see him is presumably the first step back towards sinking into the mire again -you're clearly not really able to say no effectively, and this is what he relies on. Could you take someone with you? Have a good think about this - have you told anyone what's happened here? I suggest you do. Make it real. Tell your parents, tell a friend - and if you must meet him to waste some hours listening to lies and being manipulated as energetically as possible, take someone with you who will help you tell him to FUCK THE FUCK OFF AND LIE TO SOMEONE ELSE!

magoria · 02/12/2017 17:10

He has lied to you this time for 18 months. It isn't the first time.

Unless there were massive problems with the house there is no way it would have taken this long.

Why are you surprised about this now?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2017 17:13

Also, the nagging feeling - presumably by that you mean you fear there's a chance he'll sort his shit and buy the house and have babies with you and all will be ok?

Even if he did all that, it still wouldn't be ok. Because you now know that he's a dud. A liar, weak, manipulative, treats you like shit. Doesn't have the backbone to live an honest life.

What do you think your life with him would look like? Full of lies about loans, bank statements, purchases he 'didn't want to tell you about because you'd only get upset'. Think he'd be the kind of guy to turn away if he was tempted by someone else after ten years of marriage? Err no. The kind of guy who would get home from work as quickly as possible to take over with the colicky crying baby knowing you'd hardly slept, or the kind of guy to slope off to the pub for a couple of hours break himself and tell you'aww we had to work late'??

What do you think?!

He'd be a crap partner, a crap dad. You'd carry everything and he'd whine, slink around and blame you.

You're currently young enough to start afresh, don't waste another minute.

BrandNewHouse · 02/12/2017 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWorldIsMyCakePop · 02/12/2017 17:48

Urgh, he's such a liar and he is indeed taking your fertile years. Take control and end it! I wouldn't bother seeing him tonight either. Take tomorrow to start thinking about how to extricate him from your life - shouldn't be too hard if you don't live together.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2017 17:55

I expect tonights conversation will all be about his MH, poor him, what he wants, what he needs, what he's not ready for yet, what she needs to understand about him.

I predict: Pity me. Pity me. Pity me. Stuff down your own feelings and give me me me what I want. Do not try to bring the conversation onto your feelings. Hearing about your bad feelings about my bad behaviour makes me sad. So shut the fuck up and concentrate on making me me me feel better.

Fuck all recognition of her righteous anger I would expect.

How did it actually go sofa?

AnyFucker · 02/12/2017 17:55

Op, google the "sunk costs fallacy"

AnyFucker · 02/12/2017 17:56

You are clearly willing to sabotage your life yet again if you agree to meet him face to face.

TidyLike · 02/12/2017 17:59

Run, run, run. I was with someone like this. He may or may not be depressed, but depressed people are capable of having relationships and treating others with respect rather then using the illness as a get-out-of-jail card for acting like a twat. If you stay with him you will find yourself doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, with no support from him.

TidyLike · 02/12/2017 17:59

Ooh yikes I replied to the OP without RTFT, sorry!

Iwillorderthefood · 02/12/2017 18:07

MY friend walked away from a long term relationship, they were supposed to be buying a house together. He said he never wanted children or to marry. Two years later, he is married with a baby.

Iwillorderthefood · 02/12/2017 18:08

Oh and just to add, she is now with a lovely guy with baby number 2 on the way,

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