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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wasting my fertile years with him.

119 replies

sofakingg00d · 01/12/2017 14:54

I am 32, DP is 37 no kids.

I have been with DP for 8 years we are engaged - wedding booked for February and are in the process of buying a house - or so I thought. We currently don't live together due to moving back into our parents whilst buying a house. It was supposed to be 3-6 months max and now we are at 18 months.

I drove past 'our house' today to see a for sale sign outside, turns out DP has been completely lying when he has been telling me all is in hand. He hasn't handed in any of the paperwork stuff I have been giving him and the house is now back on the market. He's having cold feet about us buying the house together and decided to just lie and tell me everything was fine.

This has happened before with a house and he convinced me it was about the house and not about our relationship. This is the latest in a long line of dragging feet and commitment phobic episodes from DP but he always manages to convince me it's because of his depression and he loves me and wants all the same things as me.

I feel like I've been waiting for him for years. I love him and want the house, marriage and kids with him but it seems like he doesn't. He would never break up with me, I know he won't but he's not prepared to go the whole hog either.

He says he is depressed and can't see a way out but refuses to do anything about his depression. He hates living at his parents but won't/ can't move out (not a financial issue he and I are both good earners)

Do I walk away before it's too late? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/12/2017 17:14

Your title said it all. Nothing more to say.

Annabelle4 · 01/12/2017 17:42

You know the answer OP.
Do it now, this weekend... and don't look back.
Flowers

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/12/2017 17:47

How do you leave him? You tell him. You cancel anything you've booked for the wedding. You don't look back, you don't contact him, you keep yourself busy with friends and family so you don't weaken.

Honestly, you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

BewareOfDragons · 01/12/2017 18:00

Look at it another way: he would make a terrible father.

He's a liar: he's a person who says one thing and does another. He's manipulative: he uses his depression as a weapon to make you feel sorry for him. He's selfish: he's stringing you along for his own benefit.

Not good father material. Don't use him to make children. Run away and find someone worthy of you and any future children.

queenofthesheds · 01/12/2017 18:13

OP, what would happen if you got pregnant? Or (and I’m guessing here) does he make sure, one way or another, that that can never happen?

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2017 18:14

You walked away before and then gave him a second chance when he ‘promised me the earth’.

But he hasn’t made good his promise, has he? Just made excuses and told lies. If you repeat this cycle it starts to become you that is being foolish which would be a shame.

Be glad you’ve had some good times together and now leave and look forward Roma different, better future.

elmo1980 · 01/12/2017 18:15

Believe me it's a lot easier to walk away when you don't live together, aren't married and there's no kids involved.

Time to be strong op. Toughen up and do what's right for you.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 01/12/2017 19:02

Queenofthesheds advice is good- tell your close friends and family everything, they will help you stay strong Flowers he's a deceitful prick, please don't waste any more time on him

Lauraqc · 01/12/2017 19:29

Short story: I was in a relationship with a man who left me 3.5 years in (I was 27) saying he didn’t love me. It took him 3 months to realise he was completely wrong and beg to get back together. We got back together later on in the year. 18 months later he proposed and we’ve now been happily (so I thought) married for 5 years and have 13 month old twins via IVF. He’s just left me again this week saying he’s not sure if he’s in love with me. Apparently I might get an answer tomorrow as to whether he’d like to try some counselling to try and get back on track.
Moral of story: cut your losses now and run. It could get more complicated and I doubt you’ll ever trust him. I wish I’d had the strength not to get back together back then; albeit I now have my beautiful babies. Good luck x

RememberToSmile1980 · 01/12/2017 19:38

Get a grip and get rid of him. Honestly it will be the best decision you make for yourself.

Babyblues052 · 01/12/2017 19:44

If walk away. He's clearly not willing to change and he's a liar. A big liar. Would make me wonder what else he could lie about.

Also you'd get married and be living apart, your husband would be staying with his mum and dad because he's too much of a shit bag to sort himself out when you've basically handed it to him?

No way. And using depression as an excuse for everything is bull. It's exactly what it is, an excuse.

CoolCarrie · 01/12/2017 19:44

Honestly you need to move on from him and his lies. You are worth more than this nonsense. Don't waste any more of your life waiting and being lied to.

SandyY2K · 02/12/2017 07:32

He's lied to you regarding a house purchase twice now....please see him for who he is. Don't marry him.

This is the kind of man who will lose his job and continue getting dressed every day for work.

He can't be trusted and having seen this...it would be your own fault to carry on.

8 years is more than enough time.... you need to be strong when you say it's over....ask him not to make contact with you.

Total NC is needed.

Isetan · 02/12/2017 07:46

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and that includes you. If you’re content to play the doormat while colluding with your bf to sabotage having a house and children, then go ahead.

It’s time to pull up those big girl pants and to stop delegating the responsibility of the fulfilment of your ambitions to a man whose repeatedly demonstrated (despite his talk), that he doesn’t want the same things.

This man can not be trusted and it doesn’t matter what excuses/ ‘reasons’ triggers the dishonesty, it’s dishonesty none the less. You have a lot of power here but only you know why you’ve surrendered it to a man you can not trust.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 02/12/2017 08:07

Walk away.

sounds like you won't though, so expect to ultimately end up with nothing.
no commitment from him.
no house.
no kids.

DownTownAbbey · 02/12/2017 08:36

He won't let you go? That's not romantic, that's harassment. Tell him to accept your decision, he's already had his second chance, and if he doesn't bugger off and leave you alone you'll call the police.

Summerof85 · 02/12/2017 08:40

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. He has lied to you more than once, when did he think you were going to find out about the house?? He sounds pathetic, he's nearly 40 years old and has been messing you around for years. With hindsight, I always think actions speak louder than words. Having children is one of the hardest things you will do, believe me, you want someone you can rely on. You have plenty of time to meet someone else, I met DH at 31, now married with 2 DC. You deserve so much more. Good luck x

Summerof85 · 02/12/2017 08:40

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. He has lied to you more than once, when did he think you were going to find out about the house?? He sounds pathetic, he's nearly 40 years old and has been messing you around for years. With hindsight, I always think actions speak louder than words. Having children is one of the hardest things you will do, believe me, you want someone you can rely on. You have plenty of time to meet someone else, I met DH at 31, now married with 2 DC. You deserve so much more. Good luck x

Summerof85 · 02/12/2017 08:41

Sorry seem to have posted twice.

SonicBoomBoom · 02/12/2017 08:41

You will never, ever feel secure with this man. He's got a foot out.

When you meet someone else who wants to be with you, you'll be amazed at how different you will feel.

ChickenMom · 02/12/2017 09:07

@lauraqc hope you’re doing ok. What a shitbag your DH is.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2017 09:13

If he is not accepting your decision to split then that tells you very very clearly that he gives not a flying fuck about you. He only cares about himself and what he wants. It should make you feel anger not love. Find the anger.

Tatiannatomasina · 02/12/2017 09:15

Tell him you have met someone who will marry you and have kids next year. Hopefully that will keep him at bay. Then actually go out and do just that. You want different things, hold on to that thought. Cast your net wide and you will find someone who wants what you do. It might even be someone you already know who never thought you would be available. Honestly when i got divorced i was asked out by loads of folk and i am nothing special. I married the one who was the complete opposite to my ex in everyway and we live an amazing life. If i said i wanted to fly to the moon he would be on ebay looking for a spaceship 😂 Please release yourself x

AmeliaFlashtart · 02/12/2017 09:17

There's nothing for you with this man. Really nasty to let you get excited over choosing and thinking you are buying a house but deliberately sabotaging the purchase. This is him, there's nothing to fix. 32 is nothing, get out now.

SassySausageSupper · 02/12/2017 09:18

That is such a huge lie. I could never forgive that.

Stay strong.

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