WIBU? DP and finances

[Jumpinthepoolagain]

There's a big back story but briefly.

Last night I sent DP a text to say that I won't be lending him money, paying for stuff anymore.

We live apart and he still owns a house with his ex who he broke up with 5 years ago. I twigged last week (saw a letter addressed to them both) that they still have a joint account.

Over the past few months I've been 'lending' him £100 or more on a monthly basis. He turned up on holiday (that my parents paid for) with no money.

I pay for the majority of meals, takeaways and nights out because I earn 10k more than him.

Last night I kind of woke up. I'm subsidising him. He owns this house with his ex. I rent at double his mortgage. He stays at my house 4-5 nights a week and contributes nothing. I have 3DC's to support. WIBU to send him the text?

He has read it and completely blanked me, which makes me feel shit and like I've done something wrong?

Congratulations on having a) seen through the lazy scrounging would-be cocklodger b) dumping him before he got you pregnant and c) feeling better already. You can cut all contact with him, because he has no claim on you and you need never see him again.

Happy for you jump, best decision you could make.

Ignore the disingenuous goady messages, most of us are right behind you. He knew what he was doing.

Thanks lurking

He showed me some of his true colours yesterday with both his reaction to me saying I won't be paying for everything, how cheeky he was about the trip and immediately starting to flirt with other women.

Yep, you're meant to come to heel and realise that money is a small price to pay to be allowed to have this prince in your life. It really takes a special kind of creep to be leeching off a single mum of three children. Even more so a survivor of dv. Unfortunately I suspect this ticked all of his boxes, in terms of your vulnerability and likely willingness to believe you can't do any better. A massive well done for confounding expectations.

Did you do the Freedom Programme at the end of your marriage? If not, now might be the time.

No I didn't. The refuge, IDVA and rape crisis (yes my marriage was that bad ) recommended it but I wasn't ready. Looking back o was traumatised and overwhelmed.

I will definitely look into it

Before you start accusing me of playing the victim again wine I was just stating facts about what the services involved said and acknowledging the fact I should have done the Freedom Program. I didn't at the time because I was doing my Masters and couldn't face it. I don't know why I'm feeling the need to explain myself to you. But I suspect you'll be judging me on that.

Just ignore GF's, Jump. Don't see this moocher again. Change your locks if he has a key. Arrange a neutral place to dump his stuff or give it a friend. Put him on block - you've already seen him flirting online and he's shown you how much you mean to him if you're not bankrolling him. Cut and move on. Do the Freedom Programme.

Tell him he's dumped and he owes you xxxxxx.

God, what a total loser, he blanks you, then still tries to smarm a free holiday after being called out, then starts flirting with other women, either as a sad attempt to make you jealous or looking to see if anyone else will bite and provide for him, he’s got a really low opinion of women doesn’t he.

What does he think, he’s some middle aged gigolo and women need to pay for his company?

I’d bet the ex isn’t well chuffed at being on the mortgage with him still, stops her moving on as she can’t get another mortgage. Bet he’s taking for half the mortgage and you’re paying to keep him. Probably thinks he’s some sort of king.

I would message him again making it absolutely clear it's over, then get rid of his stuff (if any) by dropping it at his (when he's out if poss) or a neutral place. Then delete or block from all forms of communication. He sounds like he'd try to win you over and you don't need that.

I don't think I can bring myself to message him nerdy

The last I heard from him was at 6pm yesterday with the 'Don't you want us to go to xxxx' text. I responded saying 'Wow, your only concern is what you can get out of me isn’t it?' and he's blanked me since. I can't believe after two years it's ended like this. I'm disgusted in him AND myself tbh. I never thought that withholding funds would cause him to completely shut me down.

I can't engage with him anymore because I don't to give him any further power.

By not arranging to get shot of his stuff, you're giving him further power, because it's a sign (at least to him) that you're not serious about ending this.

I think by all means if you can dump his stuff without speaking to him, great. But at the moment there is every risk he comes back in a few days, making out the problems are all caused by you being so 'fixated' on money, when you know you earn more than he does and he has all the expenses of his never-ending house renovation project. He'll make out he was so hurt and disappointed that you weren't who he thought you were that he couldn't contact you - and blah blah ad infinitum.

As nerdy says, dump his stuff and block.

Wait until you feel ready to deal with his stuff jump he doesn't get to call the shots.

If you feel there a things of his that he may urgently need they can be posted or delivered by a neutral person.

You really don't have to see or speak to him again. He took advantage of you and your children end of.

And you're right, don't waste energy justifying yourself or explaining your decision to anyone particularly not anonymous goady strangers on here.

Even if you ended it because you didn't like his eyebrows that's no-one's business but your own.

I'm sad to hear what your ex put your through. That makes this guy's behaviour even worse in my book.

Spot on, lurking. Take your time, Jump, make it about you not him.

Que??? Reported!

darn it.. what did I miss

Some random army guy asking ?? to email him

oh my