WIBU? DP and finances

[Jumpinthepoolagain]

There's a big back story but briefly.

Last night I sent DP a text to say that I won't be lending him money, paying for stuff anymore.

We live apart and he still owns a house with his ex who he broke up with 5 years ago. I twigged last week (saw a letter addressed to them both) that they still have a joint account.

Over the past few months I've been 'lending' him £100 or more on a monthly basis. He turned up on holiday (that my parents paid for) with no money.

I pay for the majority of meals, takeaways and nights out because I earn 10k more than him.

Last night I kind of woke up. I'm subsidising him. He owns this house with his ex. I rent at double his mortgage. He stays at my house 4-5 nights a week and contributes nothing. I have 3DC's to support. WIBU to send him the text?

He has read it and completely blanked me, which makes me feel shit and like I've done something wrong?

Good luck OP, I'm glad you've seen him for what he is. Personally I wouldn't talk to him face to face, I suspect he would just try and wheedle himself back into your life. Hope you have a great holiday with your DCs on the money you save by not having him leeching off you any more.

'I wouldn't say I've been leeching off you with no qualms

'Don't you want us to go to xxxx anymore'?

Urgh, he's really choosing his words carefully, isn't he?

He can't say 'I haven't been leeching off you' because he knows that's a lie and he's avoiding say 'Aren't you taking me to xxxx anymore'?

I know it's unlikely you'll get any money off him, but can you tot up roughly how much you have given and spent on him and ask him for the money?

Do keep posting his texts, even though they make me angry on your behalf!

Glad you have your mind made up about this chump OP

Wow he has some cheek! Well done for ending it

Remember, every penny he leeches off you is a penny you could spend on your kids

This is the point to keep in mind through any dialogue you have with him. Change his name in your phone to 'Leeching off my kids'.

You ROCK, Jump. Well done. Keep strong. He's just realising that he has fucked up his sympathy income stream.

You will be so much better off without him, financially and emotionally.

Love the idea of changing his name on your phone to 'Leech'.

Oh interesting he didn’t offer to buy the flight tickets, or say don’t sell them I will give you the money tomorrow . Honest to god the sheer audacity of it is gobsmacking.

It’s not even a teenager, it’s a 42year old man, with no kids on a much lower mortgage than your rent, taking from a single parent with three kids. His salary is only ten k less than yours too!

The absolute shame of it. Living off you like that. He’s probably got a nice secret nest egg squirrelled away too and staying at yours saves him money on food and utilities.

I think you should discuss it face to face. It has been poor communication on your part even though there is nothing wrong with the sentiment.

People will take the piss as much as you allow them to and I think that applies to relationships too. If an arrangement is convenient for someone, it is natural for them to assume all is well until they hear otherwise.

You should have spoken to him about the holiday think at the time and refused to lend him money.

It is fine to say this arrangement isn't working for me so it will be coming to an end but I think it is unreasonable, having bottled it up, to say "you have been using me this whole time" when you are the one who agreed to lend the money every month.

Try to be more assertive rather than playing the victim.

winebottle oh go away.

I have spoke to him face to face on many many occasions about this. He didn't listen. And I'm not playing the victim. I went through my bank account last night and was shocked at how much I'd lent him over time as I'd not kept track (working full time with 3 DC's does that) and how much he's taken the piss. It crept up on me.

You go ahead and carry on with your sneery condescending bollocks though.

You don't owe him anything, Jump. You do what works for you.

She's not playing the victim. She's simply putting an end to a shitty situation that leaves her and her DC out of pocket.

Wow Winebottle , how rude, judgemental and unsupportive.

I think that’s a bit much wine bottle. Sometimes things like this creep up on us, and yes, she’s let it go too far for too long, but she’s put a Stop to it now. And she should do so loudly clearly and as friggen bluntly as she can because this dude will just keep putting his hand out if she lets him.

Total it all up op, text him how much he owes you then ask him when he intends to pay you back. Ensure to add his share of the utilities and socialising and food as well, not just all the money you’ve just handed this loser, but the rest of it too.

Cut your losses, OP. He will not be contributing to your expenses. Is his house really in negative equity?

If you didn't realise he was taking the piss then I don't see how you can be angry at him for not noticing either.

I'm not sneering and he hasn't behaved well but he has not done anything behind your back. You share blame here.

He noticed.

Of course he noticed. He turned up on holiday with no money! That’s hardly unnoticeable.

He noticed alright.

It's just more disingenuous bollocks to suggest that he didn't.

I just typed out a really long, offensive message to him detailing what a fucking loser he is after watching him comment on all his ex girlfriends facebooks all night! Desperately rallying to find more sucker funds no doubt

I didn't press send but it was cathartic. And I think quite funny!

Or trying to make you jealous. Tragic, either way!

It's very tragic. It's like watching a teenage car crash. Someone said up thread that I'll be so glad I've got rid in a few weeks but I feel glad in a few hours. No more being dragged down.

Well done OP he was a complete millstone around your neck. Have a lovely twat free Christmas

Text him with the total you've lent him and ask if he wants to set up a payment plan.