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Original poster

WIBU? DP and finances

119 replies

Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 08:53

There's a big back story but briefly.

Last night I sent DP a text to say that I won't be lending him money, paying for stuff anymore.

We live apart and he still owns a house with his ex who he broke up with 5 years ago. I twigged last week (saw a letter addressed to them both) that they still have a joint account.

Over the past few months I've been 'lending' him £100 or more on a monthly basis. He turned up on holiday (that my parents paid for) with no money.

I pay for the majority of meals, takeaways and nights out because I earn 10k more than him.

Last night I kind of woke up. I'm subsidising him. He owns this house with his ex. I rent at double his mortgage. He stays at my house 4-5 nights a week and contributes nothing. I have 3DC's to support. WIBU to send him the text?

He has read it and completely blanked me, which makes me feel shit and like I've done something wrong?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 15:53

The money you gave him, you'll never see it again, either. Think of that when you even consider exchanging another minute with this mooch.

midgebabe · 22/11/2017 15:55

Barclays spent years sending me statements that actually only belonged to my exH account. the enevelope may look like it's still joint but in my case it was a big mistake by the bank

Viviennemary · 22/11/2017 15:56

He's a cheeky sponger. Get rid of him.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 15:56

He owns a house with his ex. That's a financial commitment.

ijustwannadance · 22/11/2017 16:02

His mortgage is half your rent but surely it would be then halved again between him and ex?
They should've sold house or one bought the other out.
He could've use a credit card on hol rather than sponge off you.

I'd dump the freeloader tbh. You'll save a fortune!

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 16:11

He wasn't married. No DC's. He pays all the mortgage as he lives in the house.

She lives on the same street, rents her house but still co-owns. He's in negative equity and won't sell because he's done lots of work on the house.

I know I've been a mug. I left a physically abusive marriage and got with him a year later. I should have stayed single. I am well aware of how stupid I've been Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 16:13

midge all her post is still sent to the house. I've complained about the situation with the ex and how it makes me feel, repeatedly. He promised to change it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 16:18

He latched onto you. Get rid. Do the Freedom Programme and learn to avoid people like this. There's nothing to save here because he sees nothing wrong with this, quite the opposite, in fact, and so will never change. He got defensive right away (hence, leeching without qualms and I don't have a financial commitment with my ex, what do you mean?). He's saved a fortune by leeching off you - his bills must be miniscule since he's never home, gets to go out and even on holiday for free. Now's the time to get rid and you'll have more money for Xmas for not feeding his face and paying extra for his showers, leccy, gas, etc.

CityOfStars · 22/11/2017 16:18

He sounds like a right useless saddo OP. Get yourself someone who has some respect for both themselves and you. In a few weeks time you'll think Thank God I'm rid of him. I promise you that.

Travis1 · 22/11/2017 16:19

Nah, he doesn't respect you at all and his message is showing no remorse. Definitely time to jack him.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 16:22

'I've had time to think about it. This relationship is not working for me. I feel used and taken advantage of, because I am. So I'm stopping it now by ending it.' If he has the key to your home, don't bother getting it back, just change the locks. If he has stuff at your house, box it up and arrange a public, neutral place where he can pick it up. Don't give him a chance to see you in private and worm his way back into your purse.

Butterymuffin · 22/11/2017 16:23

Ah, so he feels hard done by because of being in negative equity and feels that you somehow owe it to him to top up his lifestyle because you earn more. Never mind that you've worked hard for your salary and your kids should be first in line for its benefits. I would bet this is the way he thinks.

Leave this all behind. You know you deserve better.

ijustwannadance · 22/11/2017 16:25

So he's done up the house and pays all the mortgage but she's still entitled to half?

He's an even bigger dickhead then and she'll be laughing all the way to the bank when he eventually sells.

Gemini69 · 22/11/2017 16:27

good grief he really is a peach OP..... whilst he and his ex are waiting to profit from all his hard work ... he's been 'living' off of you and your kids.... a real Prince Charming.... credit to you for seeing the light Flowers

notapizzaeater · 22/11/2017 16:37

Was it the annual mortgage statement rather than. A joint account t ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2017 17:03

I am well aware of how stupid I've been

Hey Jump, just wanted to say don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you have a kind, generous nature. Unfortunately he has been taking advantage of it. But you've realised now - and taken action. So I think you've quite smart- and strong. Yes, it might be the beginning of the end, but better that than letting this guy bankrupt you!

Buy some nice things for yourself and DCs with the money you would have lent him. Flowers

lurkingwithlove · 22/11/2017 17:14

jump you asked how I handled it and the short version is I told him it was over by email as I knew he'd manipulate me if we saw each other face to face..I was also still very attracted to him Blush

I met him after my divorce from a very damaging narcissist. In a way, it's similar to your situation as I assume your exh left you feeling vulnerable? I certainly wad. So I didn't have a decent red flag detector.

None of this bodes well. Even if he wasn't using you, his sense of healthy boundaries is way off re his ex. It really doesn't sound like he's a reliable bet.

It's hard to do but break it off for all of your sakes. He shouldn't have put you in this situation, it's really dodgy I think.

I hope taking some time out will help you value yourself more.

lurkingwithlove · 22/11/2017 17:15

PS the email message was kind, respectful but very firm. No windows to meet up for coffee or whatever. I thanked him sincerely for the good times and didn't mention money...

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 19:45

Thanks lurking our situations sound very similar. You were very strong to walk away.

Thank you green I can't help being hard on myself for burying my head in the sand for so long. I feel so thick!

Tonight I've taken the DC's out for tea and turned off my phone after putting the flights I bought for his Christmas birthday up for sale on FB.

Cheeky fucker sent me message saying 'Don't you want us to go to xxxx anymore'?

That will be a no dear! I would have paid for hotel, flights, drinks etc. and he would happily have let me, so my DC's are going to have extra Christmas presents instead. They deserve it and he doesn't. I feel much better and stronger after reading all your comments. Thank you all. I walked away from someone who broke my jaw and my ribs and controlled everything I did through fear. I can walk away from this pathetic situation.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 19:53

'Cheeky fucker sent me message saying 'Don't you want us to go to xxxx anymore'? '

His only concern is for himself and what he can get out of you. Dump. And don't give him a chance to meet up with you face-to-face as he's manipulative.

Remember, every penny he leeches off you is a penny you could spend on your kids.

Ilovetolurk · 22/11/2017 19:54

Good for you OP

The mortgage co must not know she is living elsewhere if all her post goes there

Babyblues052 · 22/11/2017 19:58

Bright side, you k ow now what he's like and are able to walk away before your feelings got any deeper.

I think you deserve to treat yourself!!
Good luck opFlowers

bastardkitty · 22/11/2017 20:02

He knows exactly what he's been doing. He thought it would be okay if he just reduced his piss-taking by 5%. Just get rid.

SpringSnowdrop · 22/11/2017 20:03

I am surprised like another poster that you discussed it by text and really sorry he’s taken so much from you. Could you still try and sort it out face to face ?- the advantage being if you talk about it properly and sensibly he might understand it is only fair to pay you back or make some effort. If you just end things he sort of gets away with it. But the more important thing is you sound a very capable, kind person and well done realising his behaviour isn’t on - that will bring about a really good change hopefully .

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 20:12

' Could you still try and sort it out face to face ?- the advantage being if you talk about it properly and sensibly he might understand it is only fair to pay you back or make some effort. If you just end things he sort of gets away with it. '

Why should she? She doesn't want to. What's there to sort? He understands it perfectly and is still only interested in what he can get out of the OP. He's got away with it for 2 years and now she's cut him off. He will never pay her back because he feels he's entitled to being paid for. Why would you want to even spend time with someone like this any further, much less give them yet another chance to mug you off?