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Original poster

WIBU? DP and finances

119 replies

Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 08:53

There's a big back story but briefly.

Last night I sent DP a text to say that I won't be lending him money, paying for stuff anymore.

We live apart and he still owns a house with his ex who he broke up with 5 years ago. I twigged last week (saw a letter addressed to them both) that they still have a joint account.

Over the past few months I've been 'lending' him £100 or more on a monthly basis. He turned up on holiday (that my parents paid for) with no money.

I pay for the majority of meals, takeaways and nights out because I earn 10k more than him.

Last night I kind of woke up. I'm subsidising him. He owns this house with his ex. I rent at double his mortgage. He stays at my house 4-5 nights a week and contributes nothing. I have 3DC's to support. WIBU to send him the text?

He has read it and completely blanked me, which makes me feel shit and like I've done something wrong?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 22/11/2017 10:15

Although you are in the right, I'm sorry it doesn't say much for your relationship if you are telling this to him on a text and not face to face!

Hermonie2016 · 22/11/2017 10:19

Its natural to feel sad as you invested 2 years BUT you have decided not to be a doormat and stood up to him.

He may now try to manipulate you into feeling guilty and backing down.
Please dont as that is the slippery slope.He will know he can treat you badly and actually disrespect you further.

In a healthy relationship he would be straight on the phone to apologise but he isnt seeking a healthy relationship, perhaps he's not capable of one.

He is waving big red flags, don't blame yourself or think you have done wrong.

Be sad but also be proud that you value yourself more.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2017 10:27

Don’t text him, it shouldn’t be the beginning of the end, it should be the end. You sent that text because deep down you knew he was just sponging off you. Him and his ex. As a previous poster said he may try to soft soap you if he thinks he can get uou to give him money again.

He has money to spend on the things he wants to spend on. You simply aren’t one of those things.

It also tells you how bad your relationship is that after two years and practically living together you can’t talk about this. Any decent person would be mortified to have been taking from someone like you, a single mother with kids in rented accommodation, but him and his wife just kept taking.

Some people are just bad and without morals. End the relationship. That’s the only text you can send. Leave any stuff of his outside, then block him.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2017 10:28

In a healthy relationship he would be straight on the phone to apologise

No, in a healthy relationship it would never have happened in the first place.

SeaCabbage · 22/11/2017 10:36

I don't understand why you sent a text about such a huge issue.

Surely sitting down and discussing things face to face would have been much more helpful. He may even have shown the grace of being embarrassed and see that things have to change.

Isetan · 22/11/2017 10:39

Why is he a free loading twat, don't know and don't care. The more important question is,'what is it about you that thought this was Ok for sooo bloody long'? The good news is, if your willing to look hard enough you can answer that question.

Take back some of the power you've surrendered to this twat and stop waiting for him to respond, tell him to pay you back and then end it.

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 10:54

He responded back.

He wasn't ignoring me, he was embarrassed apparently and was sorry that I have been carrying him and he will be better with money now Hmm

I basically replied that he should be embarrassed and that I can't be carrying him and his ex to continue to own a house and be okay with his financial commitments to another woman and leeching off a single parent was disgusting.

He responded:

'I wouldn't say I've been leeching off you with no qualms. And I'm not financially committed to xxxx. I don't know what you mean by that.'

I can't be arsed. He doesn't get it does he?

OP posts:
TrojansAreSmegheads · 22/11/2017 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterymuffin · 22/11/2017 11:00

I'd send that last line of your post to him, pronouns adapted.

lurkingwithlove · 22/11/2017 11:13

I had an ex like this jump. I know how uncomfortable it is.

The key is to not focus on him as he may try and wheedle or make you feel guilty.

State what you want/don't want from now on and he can take it or leave it.

I hope that you'll realise you don't want to be taken for a mug any more but that's up to you.

Did he love bomb you initially?

Took me two years to realise too, don't beat yourself up just get angry and move on.

MickeyLuv · 22/11/2017 11:34

I think you need to speak to him face-to-face and stop trying to sort it via text message.

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 12:55

lurking how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Sashkin · 22/11/2017 13:14

Are you quite sure she is an ex? He owns a house with her. He has a joint account with her. He comes and stays at yours during the week then goes back to his shared home with her at the weekend. You don’t stay at his. You pay for everything (because she’d question money coming out of the joint account). Maybe he tells her he’s working away during the week or something.

It just sounds dodgy as fuck to me, sorry.

Rikalaily · 22/11/2017 13:15

'I wouldn't say I've been leeching off you with no qualms'

What else would he call rocking up on a free holiday without a penny on him and accepting cash transfers from you then? Or letting his GF pay for all trips out/takeaways etc? Or not contributing anything to your house when he is staying there almost full time?

He's a leeching cunt and he knows it. Tell him to get to fuck and enjoy the holiday with your kids next year that not covering his freeloading arse will pay for. £100 a month in cash then all the takeaways, trips, the extra on your food bill etc, probably easily comes to over £2k a year.

Ttbb · 22/11/2017 13:17

Why are you even with him?

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2017 13:22

Oh right, so he was leeching “with” qualms. Lovely. And then he topped it off with a lie on his financial commitments. A real prince amongst men.

Did he offer to pay you back? Nope? Just like a teenager promised to manage his money better? He wasn’t too embarrassed to get uou to pay for everything and take a hundred quid a month off you on top of it, but now he’s embarrassed.

Oh he gets it, he is jist wondering if the cash will really stop coming.,,

nibora · 22/11/2017 13:34

He knew exactly what he was doing, he was seeing how long he could get away with it for. He must owe you thousands.

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 14:46

I've told him I need some time to really think this through. I'm hoping this will make things clearer.

He's definitely not living with his ex. She's his neighbour.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 22/11/2017 14:58

She's not that far away then. Close enough to benefit from the fact he has more money than would be the case if you didn't pick up the tab. Do they have kids? Sorry, can't remember if you've said.

tribpot · 22/11/2017 15:04

Yes, quite - as Bluntness says, he was leeching with qualms like that somehow makes it alright.

I would stop referring to this money as being lent to him, OP. You are only getting some of it back. So you're just giving it to him, basically.

You earn 10K more than him but have hugely more financial commitments, what an absolute freeloader. Turning up without cash at a holiday paid for by your parents sounds like the last straw. What a fucking nerve.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/11/2017 15:12

I’d text back that as he is so embarrassed by leeching from you he owes you £1000 for example for the he hasn’t paid back and he he can paid xxx amount for staying at yours 3/4 days a week. And see what he says.

Original poster
Jumpinthepoolagain · 22/11/2017 15:14

No, no children. Never married.

Why they haven't sorted this shit out after 5 years is beyond me.

He has had a fucking nerve hasn't he? I have lost the last tiny bit of respect I had for him tbh. He's 42 ffs.

OP posts:
AshleySilver · 22/11/2017 15:28

He thinks owning a property jointly with someone else is not a financial commitment? OK then Hmm

notapizzaeater · 22/11/2017 15:39

I’d want to know why he’s still got a joint account. Has the ex wife got DC ? If not then she could sell it?

expatinscotland · 22/11/2017 15:52

'I'm sat at my desk feeling bereft. It's the beginning of the end isn't it.'

It should be the fucking end! Of course he gets it! He's justifying his freeloading so he can keep you sweet. Jesus wept, wake up! Every penny you spend on this cocklodging git is a penny taken away from your kids. He's not embarrassed, he's trying to figure out a way to keep his meal ticket. He's not a partner, he's a leeching boyfriend.

You don't owe him face-to-face or another chance or anything, really, he owes you, in fact.

Stop being such a mug at the expense of your kids.

'I've thought about it. We're through. You're not at all embarrassed. You've been using me. I'm done.'