How do you organise money in your house?

[sumoslayer]

DH and I both worked full time before DC arrived, we both earned a fairly decent amount, however he earned more than I did.
When I went on to maternity leave, money became this huge unmentionable topic as before DC, he had his money, I had mine. Obviously, with the big drop in pay during my maternity leave, finances needed to be addressed. Particulalry as I was to return to work part-time.
I came up with a plan prior to discussing things with DH with the help of my counsellor then as I was suffering with PND. It was a mammoth thing to force DH into having this conversation with me. I delivered a solution whereby we would both continue to be paid into seperate accounts but them pay into one joint account for all of the bills/nursery fees/savings etc. We would then ensure that each of us were left with the same amount of disposable income in our personal accounts afterwards.
On the face of it, DH agreed with the plan and we set up a joint account plus direct debits. However, DH always seemed so resentful and irritated by the set up and I sensed he wasn't agreeing to what I'd proposed.
2 years down the line, things seemed ok when DH finally blurted out that he felt the financial set up was "unfair." He explained this is because, prior to children, he earned more money than myself, therefore why should I now have the same amount of disposable income as him?
I explained that there wasn't much disposable income to go around anyway (he himself would often complain about how much was left after all of the outgoings/bills etc) so did he really want me to have even less disposable income?
I was deeply hurt, things got heated, I got upset and DH maintained that he did not want me to have any less and that he hadn't meant what he said, he was just annoyed at the time.
This was 6 months ago and ever since, I darent bring up the subject of money at all. I feel guilty in some ways and angry in others that he clearly feels resentful of having to put his money into our family, leaving little for himself.
He has also told me that most men he knows have more disposable income than their wives, even with DCs.
I feel down as a woman, is this what happens? We have children, sacrafice our income and are deemed almost to be sponging off our partners?
My argument was that had I not had DCs, I may have had a promotion and now be earning more than him, but we will.never know. I thought I'd gotten the balancing act right by working part-time so I could be more hands on with the DCs, but I didn't think it would come at a price of being deemed less financially deserving of my partner.
How do other households work things out? Is DH right? Should he have more disposable than me? To be fair, a lot of my money goes on entertaining the DCs anyway!

We do exactly what you suggest. DH has never complained. All money earned (by both of us) is family money.

My DH earns it, I spend it.

Works for me.

Seriously

His salary goes into the joint account and it pays for everything, my part time salary (25% less than his) goes into my account, I then save it for the household.

We booked next years flights to Malaga, and I chunked away at that over two months until it was gone.

We are getting new windows I am paying for them out of my account but our money.

So in essence it is all in the same pot.

For us we have one joint account and one savings account we both get paid into the joint account all bills come out of that one account

I would state your DH is actually using money as a means of having power and control so has been and remains financially abusive towards you. You should never feel like you are sponging off your partner; he has made you feel like that by his actions. He does not want to share.

How is he towards you in other areas of your relationship?. A chat with Womens Aid about this matter would perhaps be beneficial to you as well.

One account, all family money.

Okay great - you go back to work FT, he can go PT and look after the kids. I'm sure he'd be thrilled with that.

I used to earn more than DH so I paid a higher share of bills. Then I got sick and had to stop work. We were both self employed although I earned minimally (he earns 5 or 6 times what I do). We set up a limited company and each take out exactly the same wage. Mortgage is paid jointly, then he pays bills and I buy food and stuff for the babies. If one is low on money then we juggle things.

My DH is extremedy grateful that I can take care of the children while he works and would never make my parenting seem less important than his working, ever.

We have our own accounts but I have recently stopped working so once my tax credits stopped that will be me. Haven't really discussed a joint account or anything but every week he checks I have enough money for the week, fuel in the car etc. His take on it is it's our money, so once everything is paid off the disposable is for us & DD.
Your OH sounds like a petulant child. If you went back to work full time & put DC into childcare does he realise that actually there's be even less disposable income??

Not to excuse DH at all, but we hadn't planned to have a DC and it had come a bit of a shock to us both. I'd always been happy with the autonomous way we had juggled out finances prior to DC. I think he felt a bit "done" from a financial point of view when he suddenly had to part with the vast majority of his monthly income.

As soon as I was on mat leave we got a joint account and all our money is family money. I didn’t see how it was fair for me to have less money when the reason that I had less money was due to birthing and looking after his/our child!

Yes he should have less disposable income. You’re a family. This kind of thing makes me cross. Why should the woman pay for having the children and the man carries on his life just as before?!

I think DH would be happier if I returned to work FT, as there would be more disposable income, but for me personally, my field of work is so demanding that I know I would not cope physically and emotionally with the workload and young DCs if I was to work FT.

All money earned by both of us goes into one joint account. Everything comes out of that account.

Every two months we move a chunk of money into our joint savings account so we never have more than £600 in the current account.

Every two months we also make a lump sum payment towards the mortgage but adding up to no more than 10% of the mortgage value in the year.

At the start of December, we make sure there's about £2,000 in the current account as we're buying each other's Xmas presents out of that and don't want to have to check the bank account in case it gives away what we've bought each other

DH has always earned substantially less than I do. We have never had a joint account. I tend to pay the big stuff, mortgage etc, he seems to pay utilities (I’m assuming he does, I don’t and there’s no issue with supply so someone is paying for them ).

It’s all a bit random, but it has worked for us for 25 years and we never argue about money. My first husband was very controlling in many ways, and when I got divorced I decided that no matter what, I would live in such a way that I could entirely support myself and my DC, regardless of whether there was a man in my life. I have held that line. If DH was to disappear tomorrow, I would be able to keep my home, my car, and pay my bills.

I think what you're doing sounds fair to me. We have a slightly more casual arrangement, mostly because we've never been strict about finances and we've so far been too lazy to set up a joint account. But I would say ultimately it works roughly the same as your arrangement, except I don't actually know how much disposable income we each have at the end of the month and if one of us needs more, the other just hands it over.

We each have our bills we pay monthly and then there are a few less regular ones we split when we need to pay them. Dh pays the rent and a few other things, like internet, etc. He also tends to pay for more leisure activities as a family (like meals out, days out, etc.). I have always paid for nursery and food shopping and clothes, etc. for our dd. Until recently, that worked out to be roughly the same each month. Our dd is now in school though so no nursery bill, but I'm also starting mat leave, so my salary is halving. So still works out roughly the same. He is paying more but making more and I'm paying less in bills, but earning less for the next year. We don't have it worked out to the last quid though. Things like council tax, heating oil, etc. which are big periodic expenses, one of us pays it and then the other transfers over half, give or take.

I suspect with this arrangement I end up paying out more of my actual income and have less disposable left over as I tend to pick up more day to day expenses, which probably add up. But it really doesn't matter because if I ever get low, my dh just transfers a bit over until the end of the month. Similarly, he's self employed, so his income varies seasonally. In the winter, he earns less than in the summer, so if he needs more, I transfer some over to him. There is no such thing as 'his' money and 'my' money, strictly speaking, though we have separate accounts. Neither of us goes without as the other would just send a bit of money until the end of the month (obviously, with no expectation that we'd get it back).

When we first met, we were both students and money was very tight, so we've always just looked out for the other. Money isn't tight now and we have enough to live comfortably on, so it's no big deal. I'd feel differently though if he was running out of money every month because he was spending it on something stupid. But generally we're pretty sensible about it, so it's not a big deal. I don't really see (unless one partner is really financially irresponsible, has a gambling problem, etc.) keeping money totally separate or having a 'mine' and 'your' mentality with money. I wouldn't want to see my partner struggle when I could spare a bit of my disposable income to help them be a bit more comfortable. Realistically, any money either of you earns is made possible by the other, so it seems silly to be selfish about it. My dh started a successful business because I made financial sacrifices and did all the childcare when he was starting out, and I have a good job and a good career because he's picked up and done the school runs and bedtimes and weekends when I've been working away, etc.

Of course no one should have more money than the other. I've been a SAHM for 6 years. From Day 1, DH's salary gets paid into the joint account and we both have free access to it. I'd be unimpressed if he even suggested otherwise.

My DH is the child of 2 divorces, so never wanted a joint account. I had assumed all married people had a joint account. We compromised with all money being joint but accounts being separate. We recently got a new mortgage so printouts of bank statements were being passed around. We do now have a joint savings account for money people (my parents) give us to help with the kids (my parents are v generous people esp to their kids and grandkids).
However the accounts are organised, you have a bigger problem of your dps sense if entitlement. My DH would never claim a right to more money than me, his number one concern in life is my happiness. I find having separate accounts and having to say 'if I pay the mot and you pay the car tax, are we both ok for the month' a bit odd but it's ok because it doesn't come with any meanness.
Tbh I'm the tight one in the marriage and he's more inclined to spend. He has recently worked a lot of overtime, and definitely sees that as family money, as I've obviously had the kids solo during that time!

He feels done?

You've endured pregnancy, had a baby, experienced extreme hormonal and physical changes, taken the hit on your career to be home raising a child/children... and he feels "done"?!

I don't think he would be thrilled if you went back FT - what do you think would happen to that disposable income when paying someone to do the care that you do now for nothing?

He is half responsible for the kids, planned or not. He's behaving like a child. There's more to life than disposable income - like what's best for your children for starters. I would be livid if my husband pulled this shit.

We both work full time, most of our salaries goes into a joint and savings account and we both keep a bit for ourselves in separate accounts. If I want to treat myself or go for beers with friends I use my account. She does likewise. Mortgage, bills, food, joint activities, fuel, insurance etc come from joint account. Easy Peasy!

I think he felt a bit "done" from a financial point of view when he suddenly had to part with the vast majority of his monthly income.

Really? Who did he think would be funding his child? Where did he think the money to feed, clothe and care for his child would come from if not his income? Did he seriously expect to have children and have his life and finances remain the same?

Go back full time and be clear that you will be expecting him to to half of the childcare/ housework/ emotional life admin of running a home.

We way we arrange our fiances is probably too complex but in a nutshell we each have our own spending money but my wife gets more as i sit in an office and she has stuff to do with kids etc etc so makes sense.

Salaries from the main jobs so into the joint account and all DD get paid from that. I also work part time and get paid weekly, this is used as the holiday fund and a bit of day to day family money. Seems to work ok for us :)

We have our own bank accounts and my DH gets paid into his own account as it was just easier than changing this and a few bills came out of his account historically. Once the bills are paid though, everything left is moved into our joint account and we “live” out of this account. We each just spend on what we fancy from here and anything left constitutes our “savings”.

Sometimes we will move a little bit of money back to our own accounts to cover secret Christmas present buying but generally I don’t even bother as he tends not to even look at the bank statements so most surprises are unlikely to be spoilt.

I agree with PPs. Your DH is being very controlling. It’s a very odd way of thinking as I genuinely can’t imagine my DH giving a fig about what I’m spending or what the spending split actually is. I don’t check what he spends either. We might occasionally say if we want to buy something expensive (say over £1-2K) but it’s just manners really. We both know if we don’t have the money then it can’t be spent.

If you want to go back to work FT then you should. If your career is particularly demanding then his career will need to take a hit to enable this, like yours has so far to help him with his.

These are his children too, so both of you need to be worrying about who will do the childcare, admin, pick ups/ drop offs etc; not just you!