How do you organise money in your house?

[sumoslayer]

DH and I both worked full time before DC arrived, we both earned a fairly decent amount, however he earned more than I did.
When I went on to maternity leave, money became this huge unmentionable topic as before DC, he had his money, I had mine. Obviously, with the big drop in pay during my maternity leave, finances needed to be addressed. Particulalry as I was to return to work part-time.
I came up with a plan prior to discussing things with DH with the help of my counsellor then as I was suffering with PND. It was a mammoth thing to force DH into having this conversation with me. I delivered a solution whereby we would both continue to be paid into seperate accounts but them pay into one joint account for all of the bills/nursery fees/savings etc. We would then ensure that each of us were left with the same amount of disposable income in our personal accounts afterwards.
On the face of it, DH agreed with the plan and we set up a joint account plus direct debits. However, DH always seemed so resentful and irritated by the set up and I sensed he wasn't agreeing to what I'd proposed.
2 years down the line, things seemed ok when DH finally blurted out that he felt the financial set up was "unfair." He explained this is because, prior to children, he earned more money than myself, therefore why should I now have the same amount of disposable income as him?
I explained that there wasn't much disposable income to go around anyway (he himself would often complain about how much was left after all of the outgoings/bills etc) so did he really want me to have even less disposable income?
I was deeply hurt, things got heated, I got upset and DH maintained that he did not want me to have any less and that he hadn't meant what he said, he was just annoyed at the time.
This was 6 months ago and ever since, I darent bring up the subject of money at all. I feel guilty in some ways and angry in others that he clearly feels resentful of having to put his money into our family, leaving little for himself.
He has also told me that most men he knows have more disposable income than their wives, even with DCs.
I feel down as a woman, is this what happens? We have children, sacrafice our income and are deemed almost to be sponging off our partners?
My argument was that had I not had DCs, I may have had a promotion and now be earning more than him, but we will.never know. I thought I'd gotten the balancing act right by working part-time so I could be more hands on with the DCs, but I didn't think it would come at a price of being deemed less financially deserving of my partner.
How do other households work things out? Is DH right? Should he have more disposable than me? To be fair, a lot of my money goes on entertaining the DCs anyway!

Your husband sounds selfish and sexist. Ugh. DH earns more than me and always has done. We used to pay joint costs roughly proportionately to earnings but after marriage when I was pregnant we switched to pay everything into one account, bills come out, an equal amount goes into each of our own accounts for personal spends and anything left gets saved. Works great for us but that's because we see all income as family money. One day I will likely out earn DH and the same will apply then.

I'm always stunned when I read threads where women go on mat leave and then worry about paying their share of the bills. So odd-having a baby is making a family together, not the woman kicking back for a year on holiday! Good on you for forcing the issue, it's a shame your husband clearly resents what you agreed to. It sounds like his real opinion is what he said and he's now backtracking but that's clearly what he thinks deep down.

I would be very worried to be with a man who thinks it's perfectly reasonable that the man in the relationship should have more money to spend than the little downtrodden woman indoors. Smacks of a fairly unpleasant attitude. I imagine if you earn more than him one day he may have a sudden change of heart

All money is viewed as family money. DHs contribution to the family is bringing in most of the money and mine is looking after the kids. All money goes into one account and we use what we need from it and the rest is saved.
More importantly though is, what is his perspective of your role within the family? Does he appreciate your contribution (which is not all monetary for a family to run)?

Have you asked him how he intends to do 50per cent of pick ups housework, household admin, parents evening, taking to clubs etc though? Because if he wants you to go back to work then he needs to figure this out before anything else.

the practicalities of dealing with finances aren't really the issue are they? It's his attitude and the way he is making you feel.

We have everything joint but our monthly personal spends (not entirely equal as DH has work travel and lunch costs which I do not have) going into our sole accounts. I like being able to spend on things without him scrutinising the bank statement! The main bills and savings are joint though. DH earns way more than me (I work PT) but he would never dream of saying I deserve less.

My sister (SAHM)has no access to her DH's bank account - she has his credit card and there is always at least £500 in cash knocking about the house. I couldn't live like that but she is happy and is never questioned about what she has spent money on.

Just to add, we both now work 4 days a week as my career would stagnate on 3 days a week and I'm not prepared to let that happen, plus DH recognises that he is as much a parent as me. It depresses me how unusual this apparently is. So many men say they want children but expect the woman to shoulder all the impacts of actually having one. Try suggesting you go back full time and telling him what the childcare bill will become and what that does to his disposable income!

Sorry rant over, this topic really just makes me mad.

DH earns more then me but I do the lions share of running the house and childcare while working part time. My DH and I have the same amount of disposable cash. He values my welfare and my contribution. We allocate seperate cash for the kids so it doesn’t eat into my money.

Does he feel you deserve less then him? You’re already looking after the kids from your funds.

The words selfish and entitled spring to mind. He sounds grabby.

DH's own parents both worked FT and brought in a large amount of money between them. DH lived in a large house as a result and went on very expensive holidays.
MIL has told me how much she regrets working so hard and wishes she had worked part-time when she had young DCs. DH says he didn't miss out and that he had everything he needed, although was in DT childcare from 3 months old.
My own parents had no money, my DM did not work and she was at home for much of my childhood until I went to secondary school. But there was never much money and certainly no lavish holidays.
I guess we both value things differently.

I earn it all. And I keep it all

We don’t distinguish between my money and his money - it’s all family money, even though he earns a lot more than me (I work part time - we used to earn the same before DC).

You’re not alone OP - apparently money is one of the main sources of conflict in a marriage. Would you consider going on a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

We share all of our money. Have a joint account and also separate accounts, but only kept the separate ones as never bothered to change all direct debits and where we get paid. We put in what we think we need to each month into the joint account, when it's running low one of us will put some more in if we can. Or if I need something and don't have enough in my account I will use the joint account or ask my husband to move some money into it. Some months he will need to buy something expensive, sometimes I will but it's not a problem.
We have a child together and another on the way. So he has paid more bills recently but don't see how it matters who's money it is.
They are his kids as well so needs to pay for them and I think that there are more important things than money. My mum only worked when we were in school or bed when we were younger and I am glad she was there for us as she isn't now.

If you genuinely have the same amount to spend individually and no expectations on that i.e. Meals out then he has little complaint. Money is a huge problem in all relationships it took a long time for me to deal with being the sole earner in our marriage while my wife went to university and many arguments.

He has also told me that most men he knows have more disposable income than their wives, even with DCs.. But why? Genuinely don't understand why this could possibly be considered fair.

I gave up a well paid career after having 2 DCs (now back PT). DH genuinely considers his wage as 'our' money and we get an equal amount of spends.

We earn virtually the same amount (literally about fifty a month in the difference)

Dh is quite mean with money so I am happy to keep my own in my account and he keeps his. We have joint account for the mortgage.

I pay for the shopping etc and he gives me half (cash) that's how we do it. It isn't really romantic or ideal but if I want to do my own thing, it is up to me.

I went back to work when both my DC were five months and I would like to have had more time with them but he never offered to support me (at that time he moved in with me and I paid the whole mortgage for nearly two years- but he saved a deposit and we used that for a larger home)

Op, i think that your question is a broader one than how finances are arranged. It seems more about the value of each individual in the family and I sense you fear that what your DH blurted out was in fact his true feeling about the issue. It's true that the division of labour can be equal but the remuneration for labour is not and this is often divided along gender lines which are often unequal. It's a wider issue of whether the unrecognised domestic/childcare work is of sufficient value and it's often not - lip service is paid to it often and I think that's what you're dealing with. I speak with experience of the same problem. I resent it and feel it affects our relationship because DH is in control of finances because I've always been part time and the home maker/SAHM.

Clearly there's a massive communication problem between you (best to sort that one out).

On the finances front, it seems like it isn't necessarily that he wants you to be unequal. I think he's just resentful that his standard of living and disposable income have fallen and you don't feel up to working more.
Could there be a compromise? Perhaps one or two evenings a week you could do tuition? Not nearly as stressful as teaching in a school and minimal prep and marking. Whilst you do that, he could look after the children. The money could be used to up you spending money. Perhaps that wouldn't add stress to your life but he's be happier about not being quite so skint despite a high salary?

Just to answer your question, DH is a very high earner and I have a professional part time job but earn peanuts in comparison. We used to have the same spending money but a few months ago DH decided that I should have more as my hair, beauty and clothing expenses are greater. Bless him. However, we did agree for him to get a much fancier car than me as I'm not fussed and he is. Otherwise, it's 'family money' and any bigger purchases, savings and investments are agreed together.

Generally, men who are not generous with their money are not generous with their love either. I think you are feeling the lack on both fronts.

Your DC will not be little forever. For your protection, it would be realistic prepare for the day you up your hours again. That would make your dh happier and increase the household income. More importantly, you need to be financially independent from this man.

my pt wage and my dh's wage all went into the same pot.
like most when all the bills were paid for (including lots of extracurricular sports for the children) there wasn't much left.
we however discussed spending and didn't keep score so I could just as easily buy myself a new coat one month as him a new piece for his camera.
my children were not houseplants and didn't just care for themselves so my home management was just as valued as he business management. my role may not have paid in dividends but it paid off in love and respect from the trio of children we raised.

We live on one salary (DH's) and save the other (mine) This puts me in a stronger position because if we split up, I am laughing! Not really, but this set up means that we both have autonomy, (I personally would hate to have one pot)

I can’t understand his mentality.
All our finances are joint. I earn a lot more than DH these days (it used to be the other way round) and it would never occur to me that I should have more disposable income. All money is family money. Why would you want to have more and your partner have less if you loved them?

We do everything in one pot

Everything comes out of the same pot. Plus joint savings account which is paid into every month.

It’s family money. I have friends that do things as your suggesting and that do it separately, IME either of these ways leaves one resenting the other unless they earn the same and work the same amount.

I am very anti joint account for my marriage as I’m a saver who the spends a lot in one go, and dh is a spender every month who will spend what he has. I don’t want to be penny counting and us having to check with each other if we can spend or if we are being fair. Also I’ve seen too many times on Mumsnet the horror stories of relationships gone wrong where the ex is vindictive with finances.

We have separate accounts. We can both save if we want to.

We both believe that our value to each other isn’t accurately reflected by what an employer believes we are worth at work. We are equal, always have been.

All income is household income. We know roughly how much family expenditure is and we each have bills we are responsible for.

DH’s income more than mine. He has a standing order going to my account to make up the shortfall and so we have equal disposable income. Periodically we review expenditure and income to adjust the standing order amount. Other than that, not discussion about money is required and there are no arguments.