How do you organise money in your house?

[sumoslayer]

DH and I both worked full time before DC arrived, we both earned a fairly decent amount, however he earned more than I did.
When I went on to maternity leave, money became this huge unmentionable topic as before DC, he had his money, I had mine. Obviously, with the big drop in pay during my maternity leave, finances needed to be addressed. Particulalry as I was to return to work part-time.
I came up with a plan prior to discussing things with DH with the help of my counsellor then as I was suffering with PND. It was a mammoth thing to force DH into having this conversation with me. I delivered a solution whereby we would both continue to be paid into seperate accounts but them pay into one joint account for all of the bills/nursery fees/savings etc. We would then ensure that each of us were left with the same amount of disposable income in our personal accounts afterwards.
On the face of it, DH agreed with the plan and we set up a joint account plus direct debits. However, DH always seemed so resentful and irritated by the set up and I sensed he wasn't agreeing to what I'd proposed.
2 years down the line, things seemed ok when DH finally blurted out that he felt the financial set up was "unfair." He explained this is because, prior to children, he earned more money than myself, therefore why should I now have the same amount of disposable income as him?
I explained that there wasn't much disposable income to go around anyway (he himself would often complain about how much was left after all of the outgoings/bills etc) so did he really want me to have even less disposable income?
I was deeply hurt, things got heated, I got upset and DH maintained that he did not want me to have any less and that he hadn't meant what he said, he was just annoyed at the time.
This was 6 months ago and ever since, I darent bring up the subject of money at all. I feel guilty in some ways and angry in others that he clearly feels resentful of having to put his money into our family, leaving little for himself.
He has also told me that most men he knows have more disposable income than their wives, even with DCs.
I feel down as a woman, is this what happens? We have children, sacrafice our income and are deemed almost to be sponging off our partners?
My argument was that had I not had DCs, I may have had a promotion and now be earning more than him, but we will.never know. I thought I'd gotten the balancing act right by working part-time so I could be more hands on with the DCs, but I didn't think it would come at a price of being deemed less financially deserving of my partner.
How do other households work things out? Is DH right? Should he have more disposable than me? To be fair, a lot of my money goes on entertaining the DCs anyway!

As the sole earner all income goes into my account (director) and then I pay myself a salary. Using that salary all bills are paid. And with what's left we typically use the 80/20 rule to split saving/spending money.

So 80% will go towards savings (deposit for house) and 20% is spending money.

We don't have a joint bank account for two reasons.

1. It's completely unnecessary as we like having our own accounts to spend what we like
2. My partner's credit rating is poor and getting a joint account would lower mine, this making it even harder to get good rates etc

I was really afraid early in the thread that you are a teacher. Working full time with small kids is possible but very difficult ime. The only way it can work is if both partners pull their weight at home and from what you have written I think you know this won't happen.
You know that your husband is being ridiculous and unfair and doesn't value what you are doing at home or work.
The point is not whether there are joint or separate accounts; it's about valuing each other's contribution and being fair. It's as if your child is your problem and responsibility.

My god, this really is a depressing thread and brings back a lot of bad memories. Sorry you are going through this.

I always earned much more than STBXH, we split bills approx 50/50, but I paid for our nights out, holidays, Christmas, birthday and wedding gifts for his family as well as mine and our DC's friends. When I became seriously ill I was self employed and couldn't earn for about 2 years. That's when his money suddenly became 'his money'. He let me default on my credit card, he let the council tax go unpaid (because that was one of my DDs), the nursery didn't get paid. During this time he bought himself a BMW, a motorbike, a road bike and more clothes and shoes than I care to mention. It took me years to get it all back on track, all the while being told it was my fault and made me feel so ashamed. It wrecked my credit rating and I couldn't even afford to LTB. Once I got back to work and cleared my feet, I ended our marriage. Never again will I let myself get into a situation like that. I've since formed a great relationship with a lovely man who wouldn't consider not combining finances in a joint account when the time comes. My advice, stand your ground. I didn't, and I should have. If that fails, definitely LTB, he's shown where his priorities lie.

All money from both salaries into joint account. We both get £250 amonth pocket Money (I buy clothes, he plays golf). He earns 2.5x as much as me now, I enable him to do that. Married 16 years and never fought over money.

He's talking rubbish. All money is family money in my house and it doesn't matter who earns it or who spends it. He sounds like a selfish prick.

Dh earns quite a lot more than me, we don’t have any children and we do what you suggested to your husband.

I run a business so I pay myself a set wage and I put some money into joint savings, some money into joint account and the rest is my disposable income.
My husbands wages goes on paying the bills and mortgage and he has the same amount of disposable income as me at the end.
Once a year I also draw dividends from my business which goes on any big ticket items such as house repairs or holidays.

My husband has never once resented me for having the same disposable income than me even though he earns more. He even gave me a chunk of his savings when we set up the system because he realised he’d only been able to save because he’d been getting more money than me.
The way he sees it is he has more money than if he was single and also we didn’t marry for money.
He also has seriously inexpensive tastes though, last year for his birthday he asked for a blue ball point pen [confused

It sounds to me that as the baby was a surprise, you didn’t get the chance to talk about how it would work in advance - I agree with the PP who said that you have a communication issue.

He seems to resent being the sole earner and you don’t seem prepared to even discuss going back to work. I’m not surprised he feels resentful, tbh, even if it isn’t exactly your fault and that resentment is coming out in a pretty mean way. It’s the total refusal on your part to even countenance the idea - may well be making him feel forced into a corner.

I’d suggest sitting down together and working out how you want to run things. Obviously you have costs/ outgoings as a family but you also have non-financial obligations too. Does he want his children to be brought up primarily by their mother? Would he rather have more family money? Does he find it stressful being the sole earner? Is there a compromise you might be able to reach?

Otherwise I could see how it might quickly become “he’s tight and wouldn’t pay for his own child” and “she’s lazy and refused to go back to work”. Would be a huge shame.

For the last 38 years we have had "the money" - one joint account and a savings account.
At times I have been a student, worked full time, been a sahm, worked p/time and been a partner in the family business. We both contribute to the family, financially and practically. He couldn't have managed without my input to the family and I couldn't without his either.
We spend what we need to to pay the bills, take what we need for extras and discuss larger purchases.
No his money/her money - just "our money".
It works for us.

Btw I’m a SAHM and all our finances are joint. DP earns the money and I do all the financial organisation etc. and 95% of the spending.

BUT we agreed that we would rather I stayed at home - I was happy to, he was grateful. He doesn’t mind being the sole earner and finds money stressful so it works better for him if I manage it all.

We get paid into our own accounts and pay everything over our equal agreed disposable income (beers, treats and haircuts money) into joint pot - so same as you suggest. DH is paid more than me. He wanted this set up from when we were married. I agreed once we had a child. I work from home and he's his own boss which facilitates us doing wrap around care ourselves. We work in the evenings to make it up. As an employee, this limits my earning potential but suits us whilst our dd is small. He's not taken a hit from doing flexi time.

When we had our first our incomes were pretty equal. Thankfully hubby found a job that paid almost exactly the same as our joint income so I've been a stay at home Mum for three kids for almost five years (two not yet at school)
We work out the bills and food cost and allocate £300 per month for my spends which covers fuel and money spent with the kids etc. He transfers that amount to the joint account each month.
If the kids suddenly outgrown all their shoes and clothes overnight and we need more, I tell him and he finds it if he can. No question, no quibble. He recognises what I do. He values it and I appreciate that.
We have discussions about finances monthly on a small scale - e.g. There's only £100 left in the joint account and it's a week till pay day so let's meal plan. About three times a year we sit down and review the family budget. If direct debits change etc we need to change the amount that's available to us. Also we have two in nappies and one on formula currently but in the next six months that's very likely to change so we will review the finances again at that point.
I find it very difficult to talk about money but getting in the habit of talking about the family expenses is important. My DH has no idea how much anything costs because as a stay at home Mum I do the shopping, the cooking, I buy the shoes, the nappies, the detergent, the fancy bin bags he likes, the clothes, the uniforms etc. If I didn't tell him he'd be oblivious

We have a main account where my husbands wages go which pays for weekly expenditure, some bills and clothes. My wages go into a separate account which is used for anything he or I need.This to keep track of what I earn as a contractor, and we keep it in reserve for when our weekly expenditure exceeds his wages. I transfer it when needed . My wages are not as regular as his, I am paid somewhat erratically but in larger sums.
We have an investment account ( shares in each persons name to split the tax ) and together these pay dividends that are used for larger bills and the childrens school fees and expenses.
Both of us have access to the others passwords and bank accounts. Larger purchases are discussed.
We share the lot, and don't fanny around with my spends/your spends.

So many posts lately re wife having a baby (what a surprise) & then being penalised for this financially by husband. Why don't they forget marriage and get a bloody flatmate if they're so averse to sharing? The greed and heavy focus on money being the only thing that matters is awful. As if a mother's contribution to family life must solely be based on her finances, or lack of. Hopefully you can come to a compromise OP...

Thanks all for the responses.

Reading bavk over everyones responses, I would much rather just have a joint account for everything rather than 'his money, my money, regardless of it being equal or not. I think me suggesting that we split disposable income equally was actually a compromise to wanting a joint pot. I didn't think that DH would find scrutinies with that too until afterwards once I'd seen his reaction.
It's little things: DH had had a £200 back payment and rather than put it in the 'joint account' where all our bills and savings are, he has kept it for himself, handing me a £20 at a christmas fayre and said "don't worry about paying me back." As if he's doing me some sort of favour. I then spent the £20 on Christmas decorations for "our" house.

I hate the "I paid for this last time so you need to pay for that" mentally too. Last week I accidentally used my "disposable money" on some Christmas presents which should have come out of the joint account and I just thought sod it... this is family money. If DH had done that, he'd be expecting reimbursement.
Also, I'm not sure we each need £300 per month to ourselves. There's very little joint "family money" for activities so we take it in turns to.pay out of our disposable pots with DH seems to resent. My 300 goes mostly on days out with DCs anyway. I'm sure there would be more money if we didn't have this spilt of "my 300/his 300." DH isn't mean with his half, don't get me wrong, I just hate the tallying up of whose turn it.is to pay next. I'd feel better if it was all just in one pot.

LittleKiwi: I do go to work, have you not read this properly?

This is no way to live. As you can see from all the responses, there are several models that work but they all involve both partners seeing themselves as a team in a joint and equal effort running a household and bringing up a family. His attitude really hurts, I can see that, and you are totally justified in feeling that way. I think you have to have really deeply serious, calm, scary conversation where you lay it on the line. This will simmer and seethe and is really serious for the relationship.