DH and I both worked full time before DC arrived, we both earned a fairly decent amount, however he earned more than I did.
When I went on to maternity leave, money became this huge unmentionable topic as before DC, he had his money, I had mine. Obviously, with the big drop in pay during my maternity leave, finances needed to be addressed. Particulalry as I was to return to work part-time.
I came up with a plan prior to discussing things with DH with the help of my counsellor then as I was suffering with PND. It was a mammoth thing to force DH into having this conversation with me. I delivered a solution whereby we would both continue to be paid into seperate accounts but them pay into one joint account for all of the bills/nursery fees/savings etc. We would then ensure that each of us were left with the same amount of disposable income in our personal accounts afterwards.
On the face of it, DH agreed with the plan and we set up a joint account plus direct debits. However, DH always seemed so resentful and irritated by the set up and I sensed he wasn't agreeing to what I'd proposed.
2 years down the line, things seemed ok when DH finally blurted out that he felt the financial set up was "unfair." He explained this is because, prior to children, he earned more money than myself, therefore why should I now have the same amount of disposable income as him?
I explained that there wasn't much disposable income to go around anyway (he himself would often complain about how much was left after all of the outgoings/bills etc) so did he really want me to have even less disposable income?
I was deeply hurt, things got heated, I got upset and DH maintained that he did not want me to have any less and that he hadn't meant what he said, he was just annoyed at the time.
This was 6 months ago and ever since, I darent bring up the subject of money at all. I feel guilty in some ways and angry in others that he clearly feels resentful of having to put his money into our family, leaving little for himself.
He has also told me that most men he knows have more disposable income than their wives, even with DCs.
I feel down as a woman, is this what happens? We have children, sacrafice our income and are deemed almost to be sponging off our partners?
My argument was that had I not had DCs, I may have had a promotion and now be earning more than him, but we will.never know. I thought I'd gotten the balancing act right by working part-time so I could be more hands on with the DCs, but I didn't think it would come at a price of being deemed less financially deserving of my partner.
How do other households work things out? Is DH right? Should he have more disposable than me? To be fair, a lot of my money goes on entertaining the DCs anyway!