Husband wants to be sinlgle

[catsanddogsfightless]

We've had a rocky marriage for years. A few weeks ago DH said he wants to be single. I was shocked and didn't see that coming.

I asked him to reconsider. He said he'd think about it. Two weeks later I'm still walking on eggshells. Do I ask him what he's decided/thinking. He says he doesn't know. Later that day I say I can't live my life waiting and waiting. I said I'd move out that night. I packed a large bag and went to my parents place. DH is not saying anything really in reply to my texts and takes hours to answer but the answer is nothing more than digging at me. He said he wants to be single weeks ago. Now he seems to be shoving head in the sand. Nothing is being said about practicalities. We have a house jointly owned jointly mortgaged. He earns good money. I earn fairly good money. I will make his wish for single life come true. He isn't doing anything practical at all. He is keav8ng curtains closed all day long while he's at work. Leaving lights on in the house all day long while he is at work. I only know because I needed to see our pets. I went there before I went to work yesterday. All the washing up from Saturday still there. All my stuff still there. Is he having a breakdown?

OP, would he normally tidy up after himself, do the dishes etc. Or did you do all that?

So he lives with the pets but you go back so sort them out? How come he can't look after them?

If you leave him there alone, the house will become playground central for his other women. Or woman. Because there WILL be one lurking around. And he will make it impossible to sell the house. So...

Move back in & tell HIM to move out if he wants to be single.
Settle down for the long haul, living together but separated.
Don't clear his mess up. If it becomes offensive stuff it into bin bags.
Get estate agent round for a valuation.
Contact solicitor and file for divorce.
Remove all latest paperwork in case it's needed for the divorce/ house sale/ financial settlement. Remove birth & marriage certificates to a safe place. Remove photos & get copies off desktop computer. Get it all somewhere safe.

No. Stop kidding yourself.
He's been planning to say this for a long time. He ISN'T having a breakdown.

What a selfish thing to do,
Just like that he wants to be single no explanation no indeph talk ?
What has brought this on ?

Is he having a mid life crisis

Has he fallen out of love with you

Has he met someone else

Is he depressed and wants to be alone

As his wife you deserve an explanation take control back and tell him you want to know what is going on once and for all.
Why, when, and how

Find that fire and demand you be taken seriously ur his wife not some gf he's been dating a few weeks!

Hi. So I have had about 3 hours sleep last night and feel exhausted.
This year has been very tough on both of us because his mother has been ill a lot and in and out of hospital and some of her stays have been long stays. The constant hospital visits by both of us has been very time consuming and destroyed our routine, little though it was to start with. I voiced my worries that we were not spending time together and he said he didn't have any more time in his day. He works shifts and often starts work at 5am. He works in transport and works roughly 7 and half hours per day. He has consistently not helped with housekeeping chores and jobs. He does do his own laundry and that has been our 'rule' since the day we married. He looks after his own clothes and I look after mine and household laundry. He puts the rubbish out once a week and the bag of recycle paper and cardboard. He rarely heats up food for us but would do it if i asked and also if I went to supermarket after my day at work and bought the pizza/ready meal etc. I would regularly come home to find him laid out on sofa sleeping at 6.30pm and him awake and state how tired he is. Yes, working from 5am til 2pm will have that effect. But he goes to bed at approx midnight each night because he says he is not tired until that time. I appreciate shift work kills sleep patterns. He consistently has made shift swaps with colleagues so he can got to a car show or a football match or a short weekend away with his work colleagues who are also friends. I will be citing these as some of the unreasonable behaviours if/when I serve a divorce petition on him.

He can find time to be on facebook/ebay and other car websites and to sell and buy crap on ebay but he can't find time to buy a pint of milk or loaf of bread. He can't find time to wash up any crockery or cutlery but we have a dishwasher but he would rather watch Game of Thrones (crap) and car programmes and movies and anything else he has recorded or on DVD/Blueray discs. Our TV is on from approx 2.30pm til midnight every single day of the year. If he is on a rest day the TV goes on at 8.30am til midnight.

He is a moron.

Well I think that's a pretty conclusive end of that relationship. Just get on with it now. He sounds useless enough not to get anything started with divorce, so you will have to. Just get business like.

It clearly seems to be the end of the relationship, I'm really sorry.

I'd take my pets, pack up my stuff and leave if I were you.

I've sent an email to a solicitor requesting an appointment with her. I believe the first step is a solicitors letter to say there are formalities that need to be addressed.

I must get on with things. I am no longer patient with my DH. I've been patient about a lot over the years. Now i will be as PP says business like.

I can't take the pets with me as my parents do not want our cats ruining their furniture etc. The cats would get into a strange garden and then run off never to be seen again. I will not risk that. For now I will visit them every day.

People are saying to me in RL that it should have happened a long time ago.

The same people assume I'll go back to him and put up and shut up.

He has always avoided paperwork and admin tasks, this will be another one he will avoid. I will ask the solicitor if they use recorded/signed for delivery. Can a person refuse to sign for a letter once they have opened the front door?

He sounds like a teenager living at home. Not sure why he wants a single life when he does as he pleases unless he's found someone else.

You'll be so much better without him and thankfully you've no kids with him.

Something tells me he's gonna regret this and you might jst wonder why u stayed for so damm long

With regard to refusing to sign for things, yes I believe he can.

There is one (maybe more?) document that you have to prove has been served, to progress the divorce. IIRC, he's supposed to sign the acknowledgment and return it. However, the law recognises that there are arseholes out there! In this case you can use a service (your solicitor can advise) who physically serve the papers, then they are witness to the service. Even if they are shoved straight in the bin, or thrown back at the server - tough luck, counts as notice served. Tell your solicitor you expect delays and that you want to hardball, not giving any extra time.

Good luck!

What sometimes happens with the lazy ostrich type is that rather than not do anything, as long as your proposal is fair they just sign. Hope it works like that for you!

Why on earth are so many people saying to move back in?!

So he doesn't move someone else in, either a girlfriend or a lodger.

Posted too soon - either of these propositions would make the house harder to sell, as would selling a house that was such a tip (and it seems it is quickly heading in that direction) that potential buyers would be put off it.

And do not stop paying your share of the mortgage, or trust him to keep on paying his, if that is your arrangement.

You may find if your share is 50/50 that stopping payment reduces the amount you get from the sale, or that such an act would be misconstrued as abandoning interest in the property.

If he is sharing the mortgage cost or paying it all, you may need an order to make him keep on paying his agreed part until the house is sold.

Your first task should be to check if his last payments have been made, if he pays all or part.

He has always avoided paperwork and admin tasks, this will be another one he will avoid

What is your situation wrt bank accounts, and who pays the mortgage?

If you get a process server they will need to hand the papers directly to him once you are filing for divorce. For solicitor's letters, return receipt requested and signing upon receipt are par for the course. You will pay for these bells and whistles, but proof of service is necessary. If he refuses to co-operate, won't show up in court, a default judgement will be entered.

The mortgage payment leave a joint account that each of sweep money into a couple of times per month.
All direct debits come out of that account, so I can see what is paid very easily. I am checking that account every day now just to be on top of all debits leaving the account and any withdrawals. He has not once logged in online for this account as it is not his usual bank and his salary is paid into an account he had before we even met, 23 years ago! Gosh how many years!
I don't believe he would be silly enough to damage both of our credit ratings by deliberately defaulting on a mortgage.
I intend meeting a plasterer at the house (hopefully tomorrow) so the unplastered (half started DIY) walls and missing ceilings can be reinstated so the house will sell properly once spruced up. No one in a sane mind would consider paying a "GOOD" price for the house as it is. At present a buyer would expect thousands and thousands knocked off the asking price for all his unfinished DIY projects. This has been a major cause of stress to our relationship over the last decade.

our hall area and stair area are quite literally stripped down to bare house bricks but not in a good way.

I went to the house earlier to see our pets/cats. They all seemed to have missed me.I gave them strokes and chin tickles and talked to them and put lots of cat meat down for them and changed their water bowl for a fresh one. They are my little family. I really miss them. DH and I were not able to have any children. I am now 44.

Consider moving back in and him moving out. I say this for one reason. I sought advice from a solicitor who told me that if I wanted to sell the marital home, live in it. He doesn’t do housework. He won’t maintain the property. It’s going to look derelict and be “man stinky” pretty quickly. It’s going to be harder to sell and you’ll get much less money. With you living there, keeping it clean etc you’ll both end up better off

Yes I agree. I know he is not looking after the place or himself. Not onw item has been washed up. Kitchen floor pretty dirty from the 3 cats we own. They have 24 hour access to our garden. Lots of little paw prints everywhere. He has left pizza box on counter. Empty beer bottle on counter, dirty crockery and cutlery, used baking trays and eaten ready meal trays on two beanbag tray things in the lounge. Needless to say he has not changed the bed linen nor any bath sheets or tea towels etc.The house is going to get dirty and as you say smelly quickly.He refused to move out when I asked him two days ago. He is being an obstinate article/shell of a man.

I could scream. These are the very reasons that I cannot be his 'mother and housekeeper' anymore. I work full time, earn ok money and I'm also studying at evening school as well. I have a full list of homework/assignments to do to hand in on Monday. He has not pulled his weight for about 2 years and at first I just got on with it all but it breeds contempt and resentment.

This dick has done you a massive favour by waking you from the half life, that was your marriage you insisted on hiding in. Move back into your house and start taking back control, by making it very clear that he no longer calls the shots and you are finally going to prioritise your future happiness.

I think the novelty will soon wear off and he'll come creeping