Why do so many people get divorced?

[DaisyRaine90]

Seriously, and I say this as someone who was a single parent for 3 years before meeting my fiancé and having no 2

Why do so many people get divorced these days??

My whole childhood was blown apart by my parents getting divorced, but I know other people who waited until their kids had flown the nest and others still who stay married for decades

What sticks people together and what divides them? Why do we have such high divorce rates?

I’m constantly astounded at what people (women mostly) put up with in relationships. I honestly don’t know one person who I look at and think “oh I’d like their marriage”

I watched a woman berating a man for choosing the wrong loaf of bread in Tesco. Literally tearing a strip off him because he picked up the wrong bread. Saw them again in the biscuit aisle and she was banging on about how many kit kats he ate the week before.

I struggle to think of one couple where there hasn’t been some kind of cheating. Be it emotional, physical, online or text, it is endemic.

Fuck any of that, I don’t know how these people stay in a relationship. Life is far too short to have anyone in your space who isn’t fully respecting of you.

Because he cheated. It happened previously and since I was coping with a terminally ill parent I agreed to continue in the marriage with rhe proviso that if it happened again the marriage was over. It did and it was.

Obviously, a lot of people simply marry too quickly. Relatively few people can keep a mask up for say, five years. They exist, but they're few and far between.

re: alcohol/drugs - If you don't come from a family of drinkers (or addicts in general) it can be hard to spot bad habits. Neither of my parents were really drinkers - my sister dated her husband for around 5 years before they married. He drank more than her usual, but nothing set off any flags (for me, either, I was pretty clueless). Eventually, she divorced him because he completely deteriorated.

Thanks Morris Yes I'm doing ok now 👍👍

Because long-term monogamy is quite boring. And putting up with the same person for years is quite boring. Add things into the mix that make you actively unhappy as opposed to just a bit bored and who wouldn’t get divorced?

I intend to get married forever

Like my grandparents and in laws did
One person for the next 50/60 years

But I want to know how to avoid getting divorced

It seems it’s to do with REALLY getting to know them first

Wish our surprise baby hadn’t sped it up in some ways

I don't really believe in marriage as some wonderful thing. Fine if it works, but meh overall.

Some of my relatives were married 50+ yrs. The blokes were bullies. The women didn't feel they could leave. Funny enough some of the people who I know are most dewy eyed romantic about marriage have been divorced. They are just hopeless romantics.

My uncle's marriage is at 48 yrs. They seem very happy together... somehow they have grown older without growing apart. I think my grandmother did the same in her second marriage, although that husband was an alcoholic. My cousin is hitting 40 yrs soon. She & her husband say vicious things to each other, but they emotionally depend on each other & truly adore each other, too.

I am all for divorce. If you're unhappy, why not move on.

I can't get misty eyed about the low divorce rates of the past knowing the shit people (mainly women) put up with in marriage

It saddens me how many things start with solicitors now and that most people enter into a marriage with a pre nup

I guess it’s sensible etc. And maybe I’m a hopeless romantic

Don’t know why all the men I’ve dated except the current one have been horrible to me and I’ve been out of their league

As in, I washed regularly and went to work 😂

I guess old people have much more social options too now so the stereotype of the lonely old single person is fading

Because I couldn't live with the person I had become: trying to keep up with my husband’s work ethic whilst being a mother, trying to maintain my financial independence. I don’t think I allowed myself to be married in the partnership sense of marriage. Unfortunately I ended up angry, resentful and depressed and very very lonely.

Yeah, easy to be a homeless romantic till the husband you love with all your heart turns into an arsehole and you come to realise your whole personality has changed to avoid the rage and if you decide to stay anyway you'll disappear.

Or, as a lot of people have already said, the bastard fucks off and screws someone else, or just fucks off and makes the decision for you.

I'm very happily married again and life is better than I could have imagined in my darkest hours locked in the bathroom as it was the only room with a lock while he screamed at me what a fucking bitch I was.

I adore my husband, he's the best man I've ever met and I'm revoltingly happy and smitten. But if for any reason is turns to crap I know I'm worth more than to hang on hoping things will change just because I want them to and divorce is a better option than desperate unhappiness.

Crack on. Get married and be optimistic. I hope it works for you. I hope it works for me this time! But don't judge people who choose to get divorced because otherwise like will be awful, or have no choice because their husband or wife leaves them.

Because marriage is an anachronism: invented as essentially a pragmatic arrangement based on economic and/or dynastic need it got infused with ideas about romantic love somewhere along the line (by which I realistically mean 'gradually, some time since the 18th century or so').

Regrettably, romantic love - unlike more worldly concerns - is a fleeting thing based primarily on hormones, whatever our brains tell us while we're high on a cocktail of oxytocin and some other stuff. And because we suffer from the the notion that we should 'love' (in a particular sense) our significant others forever, we also conclude that, if we don't, maybe it's not 'meant to be'. Thus, the better question is really: why on earth do people still get married in the first place?

I'm actually quite romatic, by the way, in case you couldn't tell.

I got to know my ex for 5 years before we had kids, but alas he still changed afterwards - almost immediately in his new role as a father and then gradually more and more, like you do over a period of 15 more years. But I felt like picklemepopcorn - fine with staying in the marriage. I thought it would get closer again after his job was more settled in one place. (Thought that for about 10 years...) My ex appeared to feel the same way until he met OW.

Intentions are lovely, but do make sure that you know they are only intentions, and maybe not what life has in store for you. Make sure you are financially secure / able to support yourself in case anything goes wrong, that sort of thing. Don't set yourself up to feel like a failure if your life doesn't live up to your hopes.

When I got married I did so for life, I meant every word of my vows. I was 30, exh was 53 we had been together for 4 years. Happy, stable, in love. Or so I thought.

About 3 months after we married he had an accident, he was out of work for 5 months as a result he was self employed and unbeknown to me had cancelled all his insurance, racked up u told debt, wiped out his savings. Never said a bloody word. The stress of trying to fund everything on my own caused me to have a mental breakdown. He treated me like an absolute twat. He blamed me, refused to work when he was able and because I ended up working 80-100 hours a week to keep us afloat as well as managing to rack up credit card debt of 10k which I am still paying off 6 year later. (never use a credit card to pay your mortgage!).

As a thank you for this, he accused me of having affairs with anyone and everyone, including my mates dad! I was shattered. I was working 12 hour nights shifts, and then covering anything that came up. I had no time to sleep with him let alone anyone else.

After 18 months of constant emotional abuse I packed a bag and tries to go to my parents for a few days. I needed space to decide my hew to move. His answer was to throw me across our kitchen. He was not getting the chance to lay another finger on me. I left and never went back. He never told people why I really left. He told everyone I was a "cheap whore" and a gold digger. He also never told anyone that I signed away my claim to our house and never took a penny when it sold.

For those saying "because people can't be arsed to work at a marriage", there is no working through abuse. Working through it is why so many battered wives end up dead.

Well said wheres the. I thoroughly and totally agree, I didn't know my ex would turn out an arsehole either and all the stuff you mentioned means fuck all when you're getting your arm broken or another punch, yes we should run and I did but you have to have somewhere to run to.
Womens Aid are a charity and cannot house every victim

I absolutely married for life.
I thought so did my H.
We were both @ 30, had known each other for 3 years when we married.

Actually, that is the main aspect that really upsets me about our failed marriage: the fact that he clearly did not value that longterm commitment as evidenced by the first time he stepped outside of our marriage. And he repeatedly showed his disregard for the commitment I thought we had for each other every time he again and again made the choice to sleep with somebody else.

He is now with somebody who 'means more' to him. Good luck them both.

Had he not cheated, and so many times, I would be fully committed to working on what has made us both unhappy (normal stresses of modern living, loosing sight of appreciating each other, poor communication) but I cannot accept the indignity and humiliation of him prioritising his energy, time and money towards somebody else, rather than putting all that towards improving our relationship.

So many sad stories sorry to hear it

I always think it will last and it hasn’t

I hope this time it does
But don’t want to enter into marriage lightly x

@portiacatis I was terrified of leaving after he attacked me. He had told so many lies, told my parents I was cheating in him. I was scared stiff they would believe him and turn me away when I left him. I drove my car less than a mile. I Sat on the side of the road for 3 hours arguing with myself over whether I would go back and work it out or keep walking. I knew nothing of women's aid, had no idea it existed. I have no idea what I would have done if my parents had turned me away.

You are right. I was very lucky, they chose to believe me and took me in. It is a disgrace that more is not done to help women escape and that it is left to charities to help.

But the attitude of "marriage needs to be worked at" is so bloody dangerous. I am sorry you went through that, I hope you have escaped now and are repairing yourself.

You and I understand and I hope you are also safe and doing well now as am I
My best wishes to you

Daisy I think it's pointless to wait until you have guarantees. There are none. My DH and I had been a couple for over 5 years when we married. We knew each other. But people change, and things happen. For us, it was the death of his mother that triggered his dependence on alcohol - which in itself ran in the family. Then his upbringing and his time in the military came into play as factors that changed him further, and for the worse.

Of course in the almost 25 years we have been together (almost 20 years married) I have changed too. We have grown apart rather than closer. He looks towards the past (his childhood, very traditional, more 1950s in style than 1960s/70s) with rose-tinted specs on and increasingly does not tolerate 2017. I am forward and outward-looking, I see the possibilities and the positives. He only sees the negatives.

None of this makes him a bad person - not even the alcohol. It just makes us two people who are no longer compatible. I am glad divorce is possible because you cannot expect people not to change, nor can you predict what direction that change will take.

I married for life I thought. Then he cheated on me with a close friend. When I didn't start divorce proceedings quickly enough he told me he would make up unreasonable behaviour to divorce me for. The little cherub did acknowledge that this would not be fair 🙄

Because we're not educated about relationships. This shit isn't taught in schools and when life gets stressful or you've been in a marriage for a long time people's needs become unmet and they get their needs met by someone else. You're welcome 😊👍

Yes I am. I never looked back.

Someone I had been friends with since being a teen was a huge support when I left exh. He and I got close and started dating, we unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant after 17 years if being told I was infertile. I have dd and dscs and with the exception of his psycho ex we have a great life. Thank you.

I never thought it was possible to hate someone so much. I needed that hatred to stop me going back, these days I feel nothing, not even pity for him.

Totally agree about marriage. To me, it's like musical chairs. Whoever you happen to be with at the point where you want to have kids, is the one you marry. All of my close friends have done this. There's nothing special about the man they're with, he's just the one that was around in their thirties.
^ this

Anyway, the divorce rate is going down because most people are not marrying in the first place.

Read a brilliant article on long term relationships on Facebook (of all places!) but the key to longevity in relationships appeared to be mutual respect. ( I did not, at the end respect my DP of 8 years, even before he had an affair.) We were as good as married, child, house, business.

My ex is no loss but not seeing my 7 year old son every day has been a high price to pay. Spouses are replaceable. Parents / children are not.