Why do so many people get divorced?

[DaisyRaine90]

Seriously, and I say this as someone who was a single parent for 3 years before meeting my fiancé and having no 2

Why do so many people get divorced these days??

My whole childhood was blown apart by my parents getting divorced, but I know other people who waited until their kids had flown the nest and others still who stay married for decades

What sticks people together and what divides them? Why do we have such high divorce rates?

Because he cheated on my and I couldn't get over it.
I wasn't prepared 'to work through it'
It was my deal-breaker.
He broke the marriage vows - game over!

Because he’s a lying cheating man child with a drug problem.

I didn't want to get divorced and assumed we'd be together forever. However, my ex-h had an affair (one of many), left us and wanted to be divorced so he could repeat the same old pattern with OW. Who wants to be married to a damaged, lying, cheat? No thanks.

Because he's shagging a work colleague. I don't see any alternative but divorce in the circumstances despite believing i was marrying for life. I will not ever marry again

There are no prizes for being unhappy. Life doesn't have to be a slog

So true!

Feminism?

We don't put up with the shit we used to anymore.
We are now financially able to leave
We are now more supported if we do leave.

I also think that life is now so busy and full of distractions, we can often ignore problems in a marriage until it is too late (obviously I am not talking about people who get divorced because of abuse)

To answer the question of why do people get married, I got married because I love my husband, I want to be able to call him my husband instead of my partner and conversely, I'm proud that I'm his wife and not just partner. For us, our relationship feels stronger and we didn't even realise that was possible, I now have the same name as my daughter and we are one family unit (again we were before marriage but to us it feels more solid) and I think it's a statement to the outside world that we intend this to be our forever.

It makes me a little disheartened when I see and hear of people getting married for legal reasons, I understand it, but for me it isn't what marriage is supposed to be about, and these are the marriages that I feel suffer the most, I've seen it first hand.

I appreciate that many people will pick holes in everything I've said, but this is a small list of why we got married.

I never had a romantic view of marriage, especially as my own parents divorced when I was small, and I'm an atheist, so for me it was more of a practical thing.

That does not, however, mean that I took my relationship any less seriously. It means that I take the church, names, rings etc. less seriously. For me, having a child together was a statement enough that we were committed to one another. Not that it was the outside world's business.

We were together for 20 years and put a lot of effort into our marriage. Neither of us took it lightly or thought that it would end in divorce. Look for signs of why my failed marriage was different to your successful one if you need that to feel secure, but keep your thoughts to yourself.

I'm in my mid 40s and sadly at an age where I am witnessing many of my friends who married in their 20s getting divorced. It seems to be a mixed bag of infidelity, simply growing apart, alcohol addiction or emotional or financial abuse that has caused most of divorces. I also think a few of those who got married did it rather flippantly to people they barely knew.

Because so many couples get married even when the red flags are there beforehand. Some people had no business marrying each other...but they do anyway and of course the same problems arise during the marriage.

I don't know if it's desperation to get married, but people push the issues asides. Especially (in my experience) women... when they feel the bio clock is ticking... they go ahead with it and say they'll get 2/3 kids out of it (with the same father) and would then go it alone and have the respect of having been married.

They aren't willing to walk away from a relationship of x years...Especially in mid to late thirties... for fear they won't find another man to have a child with before it's too late.

However most of us get less patient as we get older and are no longer willing to put up with certain behaviour..... so divorce becomes an option.

Another thing is that with changes in law...where alimony came into force... women don't have to stay in bad marriages because of financial reasons.

Totally agree about marriage. To me, it's like musical chairs. Whoever you happen to be with at the point where you want to have kids, is the one you marry. All of my close friends have done this. There's nothing special about the man they're with, he's just the one that was around in their thirties.

These people who marry flippantly or out of desperation, or entirely because they want kids, and those who divorce because they can't be arsed to work on it - are they always other people?

Any volunteers to say that they did those things?

Because monogamy is shit.

Because he chose alcohol over family. Addiction made him not the man I married.

ravenmum

Good point

Reminds me of a thread last year sometime where you were encouraged to name change and then spill the beans on some secret. The amount of astonishingly piss poor behaviour that was 'fessed up' was an eye opener. I generally assume when people post in AIBU or Relationships there is an awful lot of minimising going on.

If we were all clairvoyant the divorce rate would drop drastically, however we none of us know what'll happen after our wedding day. I thought I'd married my prince charming but did not then know he'd turn into a violent alcoholic.

I didnt Want to get divorced. I made my marriage vows in all sincerity. BUT my exhusband became a drug addict who was physically verbally and emotionally abusive to me and our three children. His refusal to address his addictions in any way, killed love and killed any respect.

So I divorced him, because I figured that my life and our children's lives would be better without his toxic drug fueled rages... And it is ...

Because lots of men (and women) are arseholes, but people still unwisely marry them. Because people have over-romanticised views of what a relationship should be like, and so are disappointed when it doesn't live up to their unrealistic dream. Because human beings don't stop being attracted to others just because they are married. Because people's dysfunctional or traumatic upbringing sometimes has a big effect on their ability to choose a good partner and have a healthy relationship with them. Because the continuing inequality between women and men in marriages causes resentment, particularly now that we are more aware that it's unfair.

And, because it is easier and more socially acceptable to divorce these days. As it should be, given all of the above reasons for marriages not working.

And because you don't know what a person can become in ten years or so, if we'd known we were marrying violent druggies or alkies we would have had second thoughts

Because it’s no longer shameful to leave a marriage you are no longer happy with is my guess.

Portia that's only half the story. Many people do change after marriage but I think an equal or bigger problem is men who don't change after marriage.

My best friend has married a lazy, unmotivated man. He's always been lazy and unmotivated. But somehow she thought he would change.

MN is full of women who have lazy, unhelpful husbands. Perhaps some of them really did mask it until after the birth of the third child or whatever, but I'm certain that there are countless women thinking 'it'll be ok' when choosing these men but then reaching a breaking point later, when romance and weddings are no longer her first priority.

Well I suppose I'm just speaking from experience having fled a violent drunk who was so lovely when we married

Yes I understand. I'm so sorry for your troubles, hope you're in a much happier and safe place now portia.

Hmm, you really needed the internet to lay down the glaringly obvious reasons why people divorce.

How many people in this day in age would get married if there wasn’t the option to divorce?