Please help, what a mess I've made

[Mylifeisfucked]

Where do I start? Can't believe my life has come to this, I feel so desperately sad.

Was with my OH 3 years... until last night. A few months after getting together I find out he's married with 2 kids (knew about the kids), that they're "separated" but living together at weekends playing happy families for the kids. Holidays together, Christmas together etc. Obviously caused alot of issues and I was lied to alot.

He cheated on me earlier this year and I found out. Like an idiot I forgave him.

I recently find out he's got a secret young child conceived a few years before we got together, and he's hid this from me for three years. Last night I see a text that would suggest there is still some sort of relationship with the mother, more than platonic. When I asked him to explain he exploded, calling me an idiot, telling me I'm pathetic etc. He went on and on so I wrote a message out to his wife telling her everything and threatened to send. I wasn't actually inyending to send it but he tried to grab my phone and it got sent in the scuffle.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel awful about this and like the worst person on the planet. I used to be so happy. Just looking for some kind words if possible as I can't stop crying right now.

What a nightmare hope you're doing alright OP and it sounds like a clean break is the best way forward. Know it will be painful but just think every day it should get easier. Look after yourself. I have just started the Freedom programme and finding it eye opening to say the least. Men like him are toxic and it's best he's out of your life. Hang in there

*An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”*

❤️

I am loving the cherokee proverb! ! Today is the first day of a better life. He does not deserve your thought at all. You are walking towards a far happier life. Anti depression meds save me from years of anguish, use them if you need to.

Thank you all, so so much. You have all really helped me on what has been one of the most awful days of my life. I'm now pouring a vodka and looking forward to spending the day with my brothers tomorrow

Keep your mind busy and your body active x

Counselling is a very good idea, You’re not responsible for his hideous behaviour but you are responsible for accepting it for so long, take this opportunity to find out why.

Won't do this every day OP (can't bear to call you @Mylifeisfucked) but just a note to say I'm thinking of you, as I'm sure the rest of us on here are. You'll have your dips but keep making those small strong changes that mean abusive shits like him never get near your door again.

Thank you so much woolly, really lovely of you. I'm feeling good today, had an activities day in the lakes with my brothers and done canoeing and make swimming, little chilly but was great fun. I'm going out with a friend later for a few drinks. Last night I told everything to my mate, shes known snippets but not the serious stuff. She was gobsmacked and told me in no uncertain terms should I have hid his level of abuse and told me off for feeling bad about sending the message. It's early days of course but I feel ten times better than yesterday. Thank you for the lovely thought xx

Great that your friend is helping.
Just remember by your own admission he has made you feel weak & has manipulated you.
he must do this to all his victims.
Up side, you discovered before any more time was wasted, or you had a child... every day will get a bit better.

The Freedom Programme changed my life op. I used to wonder why I always had relationships with such twats. I learnt a lot - and you can do it online if that's more convenient.

just wanted to send you warm heartfelt hugs OP... you have done the right thing... in every aspect...

Thank you all. Feeling low today but I've just reminded myself of all the things he's done and can't believe I was so blind to his level of abuse. Going to sign up for the online freedom programme

I am so glad you are free of this man - well done! I am actually glad that you sent that text, I don't think it was a bad idea at all.

I found the online Freedom Programme brilliant - and I am sure you will too.

Come back and tell us about the programme if you do it and you feel like it. We'd be interested.

Hi woolly I've signed up today, but I didn't do my login details correct so I'm waiting for The login details to be emailed.

To be honest I'm not sure if it's right For me from the free snippet supplied. It talks about "the bully" and is very descript about the behaviour one exhibits and it doesn't fit the bill of him, although some parts are resonating. I'll give it a go anyway and hopefully it will help.

I'm going to book some activities this week for me and DD, something different like tennis lessons etc. It'll help remind me that I would hate to teach her that this is the sort of relationship and treatment is ok. In fact I'd be horrified if she ended up in a relationship like this one! Been reading the pinned 'right, listen up' thread and it is so true.

Weirdly got an anonymous text which, if true would be yet ANOTHER huge lie so it's strengthened my resolve to stay the hell away from him and move on quickly! Not with anyone else, just move on in my mind from him.

Hi OP.. the Freedom will take you through every character type... The Bully is just one of several... it's merely a beginning point ... stick with it.. even if just something of interest to read in quiet times...

I'm glad your focus is on doing things.. keeping yourself active and focused

Ahhh that's good to know, thanks for that Gemini! If there's a narcissist section it will fit the bill 100% I'd say!

Yes there is.... lol

Looking forward to reading that one! My login has came through now so I'll get started tonight

Just wanted to say well done. There are so many depressing posts on here from people putting up with horrendous partners, it's great to see you taking control and getting your life back!

I am a part-time artist (you've never heard of me!) and have had a period of losing my way. I did a course designed for artists, musicians and writers who have got blocked and one of the exercises we had to do was identify our 'committee', these are people in our lives who play helpful but more significantly unhelpful roles. I found it amazing (shocking) when I got down to it how much of an influence people I haven't seen in years, decades even, still have on my subconscious decisions. As you go through this MylifeisNOTfucked, I expect you'll find that it's not just this idiot you'll be letting go of.

Thank you both. Feeling down today but can honestly say i dont have one ounce of inclination to call, text, whatever him. I've given there rest of his stuff back via a mutual friend, and I've got the keys back to my house. I've booked for me and DD a fun day this weekend in the lakes doing go ape etc then we're ice skating on Sunday. I haven't told her we've broke up yet and she hasn't even seemed to notice. She did ask if he was coming round later and when I told her no, her response was "yay I like it being me and you". This has strengthened my resolve ten fold. I am NOT going back, not EVER. I'm also NOT the cunt he continually made me feel to be. I've also arranged to start back at a local running club later this week that I used to love and don't really know why I stopped going. I've alot of lovely friends at this club and they're a very social bunch. Moreva drinking club who run occasionally 😂 Going to get started on the freedom programme later tonight when Dd's in bed. I'm looking at this "sad" feeling as temporary and something that although inevitable, will pass! I feel strong. And excited a little for my future :) sorry for rambling!!!

Woolly that sounds like a fab course! I often think that I'd like to know more about the psychology of it all. I believe that the relationship I had with the girl beater at 19 has affected me. On the other hand, I'm fairly senior at work and nobody there would ever BELIEVE I let a man treat me like this!! Does sound very interesting!

Sorry for all the typos!

Also, forgot to say, I already feel like my username doesn't fit me anymore

change it ! it will suit your new frame of mind... Well Done !