Please help, what a mess I've made

[Mylifeisfucked]

Where do I start? Can't believe my life has come to this, I feel so desperately sad.

Was with my OH 3 years... until last night. A few months after getting together I find out he's married with 2 kids (knew about the kids), that they're "separated" but living together at weekends playing happy families for the kids. Holidays together, Christmas together etc. Obviously caused alot of issues and I was lied to alot.

He cheated on me earlier this year and I found out. Like an idiot I forgave him.

I recently find out he's got a secret young child conceived a few years before we got together, and he's hid this from me for three years. Last night I see a text that would suggest there is still some sort of relationship with the mother, more than platonic. When I asked him to explain he exploded, calling me an idiot, telling me I'm pathetic etc. He went on and on so I wrote a message out to his wife telling her everything and threatened to send. I wasn't actually inyending to send it but he tried to grab my phone and it got sent in the scuffle.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel awful about this and like the worst person on the planet. I used to be so happy. Just looking for some kind words if possible as I can't stop crying right now.

I think you need some therapy and time alone as a single woman enjoying to love herself. From what you say and what you been threw it's no wonder you forgave this man and are now the one hurt even though he fkd up... Please take some time out and rebuild on your inner strength. Some ppl will break you down if they can. It's down to you to stop the cycle, take this experience and this weakness and grow from it.

Does he have a set of keys to your house?

Yes he does, I asked him to post it but he hasn't. I highly doubt he'll try get in though, he's a dick in many ways but that's not his style.

Think yourself lucky that you only wasted three years on the scumbag. Ask yourself why you put up with his lies; move on to a happier life without him.

In which case get your locks changed, ring a locksmith today, it'll do you good to have practical things to focus on

And if the antidepressants made you feel better make yourself a GP appointment too and go and talk to them about another prescription

If you can't face telling family and friends, maybe just pick one good friend and write them a text explaining. Then when you are ready to see them, they will be ready to be supportive.
I'm crap at picking men too......but he is the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed.

What a gaslighting piece of shit he is. Unfortunately, I know all too well how easy it is to get into that kind of situation. Fortunately, you will come through this stronger than ever

Sounds like you have the "sign" on your head that says "abusive wankers this way please!"
They do have a way of spotting women who are more likely to fall prey to their abusive ways, sadly.
But you can switch that sign off.

Counselling will help resolve underpinning reasons for why you fall for men like this - but as an extra, you could also consider taking the Freedom programme to help you break this cycle.

Sadly these types are often really fun, charming and seem very loving and lovely to start with - until you're well and truly on the hook. Of all the not-very-many relationships I've had, the one that hurt me most was the 6m with an emotional abuser. I lost myself, he had far more control over me than I could ever have imagined possibly in such a short space of time - but I was lucky that he "let me go" because he had another fish on the hook and I was harder work than she was.

Didn't stop him coming back over the following 6m to try his luck though! Such a bastard.

And the thing is, you have to come to realise that it's NOT you, it IS them, and the man you think you're in love with is not real, he's a construct, a fishing lure, designed to suck you in with the twinkling sparkliness. That persona you love - not real. It's a pretty mask.

I hope the counsellor will be able to help you deal with the current situation, and I hope that you will take the Freedom programme, or something similar, to avoid another predator latching on to you in the future. x

Changing lock barrels is dead simple, all you need is a screwdriver. Have a look on youtube or wikihow, pop out and measure your barrels, stick them back in, and head out to a DIY shop. Take photos of your barrels so you can compare in the shop to be sure. It'll give you something to focus on.

Wow you've been through the mill.
Did you get help via womens aid after your abusive relationship?
If not then please call them.
You may need a specialist counsellor and they can help with that.
And please talk to them about doing their Freedom Programme.
That will help you to avoid these twats in future and spot red flags earlier.

I'm putting this here as my comment was the last on the previous page and might've been missed. Please have a look at this (and don't get hung up on an idea that abuse in relationships is limited to being smacked about). This programme specifically addresses why some women find themselves repeatedly in similar positions and skills them up to break the cycle

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you all for your support, your responses are really helping and resonating with me. I cant stop crying and shaking though, was even sick before. Ive just looked up the freedom programme, if thought it was just for domestic violence and stupidly I hadn't considered that he was an abuser before this. There's not one running in my county but it may be worth travelling for.

You must have been at a very low ebb to continue seeing him when he was still living with his wife..he treated her like crap and he will be like that with every woman. A leopard doesn't change it spots...delete him from your life completely. There's no point in sending any of his women a text...why get caught up in his drama and his baggage. He's wasted enough of your time and energy. .save it for yourself and consider counselling to try to love yourself more. Please be kind to yourself OP

I don't know how it's come to this. I used to be strong but now I feel so low.

Oh don't beat yourself up on that score. They do it to you. I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship, but my first marriage was absolutely shitful. They wear you down, until one day you look up and think "how the hell did i get here".
Parasites, all of them.

Your life isn't fucked, it's about to get much, much better.

(His, on the other hand, I hope becomes the trainwreck he so richly deserves).

Go back on the anti-depressants. It will be much easier to be strong.

You don’t love him. You love what you thought you had. He isn’t worthy of your (or anyone else’s) love.

Tell your family what a scumbag he is. You need their support. If you were my daughter, I would be want to know so I could help you.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Turn off the voices that make you the villain. You are the victim. Get a friend and some vodka and plot every horrible thing you would like to do to him, and then don’t give him any more space in your head. Stop going over what you could have done differently. He shat on you, you did nothing. He is a bastard, you are a good person.

Some wise women here today. Come on OP, make today the today you start making the little decisions to put yourself first. Small breezes make a big wind.

just read Good Me, Bad Me (not a recommendation, didn't like it) and in it there was a reference to this old proverb -

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I'm meant to be out tonight with a new friend but I think that may be too much tonight. I've just been looking at spa weekends so think I'll book that soon and find a new hobby. Hopefully I'll feel a little better by next week.

Woolly - I really like that x

Walk straight, head up, do the Wonder Woman stance before going out of the door. Today's a new start.

This isn’t your fault, everything that’s happened is his doing!
Probably the last thing you want to think about but get yourself tested as he sounds like he was getting around.

Get ready and get out of the house. But some delicious food or whatever you fancy to eat. But a new outfit!
Eat! Get new outfit on! Go out with new friend!
You can do it, what's the alternative? Stay in and be miserable?
Pull yourself up tall and be strong for the most important person. You!!!

Buy some delish food.......

I believe there was physiological abuse going on here, your ex has made you weak and vulnerable he had put you threw a lot of emotions and by the sound of it verbally abused you and belittled you. No wonder your self esteem is so low, You have to ask what control he has over the other woman for them to stay too, he prob does the same to them and makes out to each and every one of you that your paranoid and crazy. Manipulating and calculating men.
I was once in a abusive relationship I was told I was crazy I had no confidence I put up with the bullying, name calling even cheating, you lose sight of reality and normality, you become dependent on your abuser for your personal needs( reassurance, company, confidence) ironically all that HE has taken away from you!
But your partner is supposed to build you up not tear u down, I left my ex and he is still the same sad deluded man he always was, I moved on moved away made a better life for my family and myself, I met a lovely man and I am now in a happy loving relationship my family and I are happy. Iv grown and I'm a stronger woman from this.
Your happiness is around the corner you have to just let go of the negative life you've been living please move forward and surround your self with positive people

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I've pulled myself together a bit now. I have an appointment with a counsellor at 3pm who I've actually seen before so I know I'll feel better after that. I'm going to look into the freedom programme, has anyone here done it before?

Had my appointment and did feel better. Landed back home and feel terrible again. Out with family tomorrow so that'll keep me busy at least. Now need wine time to hurry up! I keep reading the posts to strengthen my resolve to keep well away from him so thanks you all again, you really have helped.