Please help, what a mess I've made

[Mylifeisfucked]

Where do I start? Can't believe my life has come to this, I feel so desperately sad.

Was with my OH 3 years... until last night. A few months after getting together I find out he's married with 2 kids (knew about the kids), that they're "separated" but living together at weekends playing happy families for the kids. Holidays together, Christmas together etc. Obviously caused alot of issues and I was lied to alot.

He cheated on me earlier this year and I found out. Like an idiot I forgave him.

I recently find out he's got a secret young child conceived a few years before we got together, and he's hid this from me for three years. Last night I see a text that would suggest there is still some sort of relationship with the mother, more than platonic. When I asked him to explain he exploded, calling me an idiot, telling me I'm pathetic etc. He went on and on so I wrote a message out to his wife telling her everything and threatened to send. I wasn't actually inyending to send it but he tried to grab my phone and it got sent in the scuffle.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel awful about this and like the worst person on the planet. I used to be so happy. Just looking for some kind words if possible as I can't stop crying right now.

Sorry you are going through this but good riddance to the lying creep .

This whole mess has exploded, and that’s actually a good thing.

You (naively, but it happens!) thought that you were the partner, the wife was the ex, and you forgave your dp for cheating, for having a fling with another woman.

Now you realise it’s been a big con.

The wife is the wife, and therefore is the past and present ‘partner’. The ‘other woman’ is this person who has the baby with him. And sadly that means you are the fling, 3rd in line behind the main ‘other woman’ who has a baby with this man and the original woman who he married.

God what a mess. You are well out of it.

What does this man have that entitled him to three relationships with women who adore him and sacrifice their own selves for him?! I suspect he’s got nothing except charm and a massive ego.

Hopefully the scales are falling from your eyes.

This is the first step to happiness. Because you sure as hell ain’t going to find happiness with him.

No forever no.
But you are allowed to wallow for a while.
Sugary tea if you can.
Keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Look after yourself!

You're not a loser, you're someone who's been treated dreadfully and has had a terrible shock. Try and be gentle to yourself the next few days. Have you got friends you can see in RL this weekend? Take some time for yourself, but try and see someone you trust and can have a good vent to with cake, wine, tea, whatever you need. The healing starts here.

You are well rid of him and deserve better.

oh, I'm sorry, that's awful. Block and ignore him
Find some fun things to do - you'll have good days and bad days but you will get over this, you deserve much much better

So let me get this straight. Years ago he had a relationship where a child was born. He stayed in that relationship for the duration but in the meantime met another woman who he married and had two children with. They subsequently split although were still spending time together for the sake of the kids. Meanwhile he gets together with you, and you didn't find out about his wife and kids until several months in, and after that he had an affair with a 4th woman which you forgave. Meanwhile you've now found out about the first woman with the child who he is in fact still in a long-term relationship with despite the fact he's been married and divorced and seeing you in the meantime. And you're the one who feels guilt for telling his wife? Why exactly?

Incidentally, has the wife responded to your text?

BTW you're right, this is a bloody almighty mess, but it's not of your doing. You're well rid.

You're absolutely not a loser. Sending you a hug and . This is the worst it gets, you're way better off now.

Blimey. I feel sorry for all the women in this scenario. Sounds like he is one smooth talker!

Chin up, OP. I think you know, deep down. that you are better off out of this whole thing. Who knows how many other women might surface? Keep busy and forget the shitbag liar.

I don't know why everyone is telling OP it's none of her doing, as if she is some kind of hapless victim. That isn't going to help her avoid a similar mess in the future, is it?

She found out about the wife and kids after 3 months, she stayed. He cheated, she stayed. He hid her away from his children, they never met; she stayed. She finds out there is another secret child never mentioned and never met....and she still stays!
It's only the discovery of a text that suggests he's actually still actively in a relationship with this new child's mother that pushed the ending of it all.

OP, please don't listen to those saying it's not your doing. Take responsibility for your choices in the hope that next time you will make better ones. If you don't acknowledge your own role here I guarantee you will find yourself repeating the same pattern....

More hugs OP (hoping you're not starting to suffocate down there!) what a shit he is. Your life is absolutely definitely not fucked, its a low point but your going to be wiser, stronger and have your dignity back when you rise up again. Go for a walk, visit a favourite cafe, go see a friend you haven't seen in ages and remind yourself of all the good things you have around you to build from.

Thanks all. He married a long time ago and his kids are older with the wife. I know its my doing. I've tried to leave before but somehow I've always ended up back with h8m. I acknowledge it's my doing. I don't know how it's come to this. I used to be strong but now I feel so low. I've got great friends and family close by but I don't think I can face them this weekend.

You need to block him, keep him blocked, don't answer the door to him ever again. What a dick.

You haven't made any mess at all - he did. Lots of mess, none of it yours. In fact, you hit the nail on the head: this is your lowest ebb. Now that you don't have to put up with his shit anymore, things can and will get better for you. Wishing you a speedy recovery from a horrible time, and lots of happiness in the future.

I think there should be a freak rainstorm on his stuff.

Do something nice for yourself today OP

The very best thing you could do now, is tell your friends and family, you are worthy of their love and concern, do not shut yourself away Sweet.
You are not a loser, on any count, you are far stronger than you think.
You are free now, and as you have reached rock bottom, rest easy, the only way is up ! 💐🌺🌸
Please be kind to yourself.

Scattercushion - ha! Maybe the moths got into the cupboard and took at the crotch parts of his trousers or for some reason there was a kipper in the bin bag before you shoved all his things in there. Oh no!

Good bye I say 👍🏽 your better off without
Sounds like a complete utter waste of space. live your life and find happiness within

His stuffs gone and he didn't knock. He won't anyways as he'd never forgive me sending that text. A blessing in disguise I know but it really is cutting deep at the minute

I think it must be something in my personality that only attracts men who will treat me like shit. As a teen I ended up with a much older man who used to beat me up and strangle me. I then married a bloke who was a serial cheat. Now this. I fucking give up.

'Forgive'??!! Stop with that sort of language NOW! Bloody hell OP, what would you want with his 'forgiveness' - that ain't worth a cold dog turd. What he thinks, does, feels is entirely separate and you need to make it that way. The wanker is in your skin, get him out of there.

He deserves all he gets IMHO. A cheat a liar and a no good scumbag. No other words really. But really you should have done a bit more digging and not believed what he told you re the relationship with his wife.. Try to be more aware next time without being paranoid with suspicion. Don't feel guilty about the message. It was an accidents.

And just to let you know you didn't make any of this mess HE HAS, be happy u are not the women with his kid you can cut all ties and move on no contact needed. Be strong I know you loved him but in time you will realise you are so much better off without. Take some time out, work on yourself, look after you!
Good luck x

I was reading about the 'Freedom Programme' somewhere else recently, have a Google

I know. Im best off without him. I actually went on anti depressants a while again felt alot better. But then he'd use it against me calling me a psycho and a weirdo for being on them. He really is a fucking piece of work. There's much more too but it's too sensitive to write here. I'm hopefully seeing a counsellor later today or over the weekend. I need to break out of this awful cycle.