Mother with Alzheimer's lost the plot tonight

[Nadeynoo]

Hi everyone

Had a bad shock tonight and badly need some impartial advice.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and my mother, who has early Alzheimer's, hit me tonight with a gate.

I split my time between the UK and Ireland- spending one week a month working from Ireland to provide support to my parents. I rent a house in Ireland that belongs to my father and brother. My plan was to come back to Ireland to have the baby and spend my mat leave here. I'm going to be a single mother so thought it'd be good to be around family and friends.

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and has decided that the house I live in belongs to her and that she doesn't want me in it. The rent I pay covers three quarters of the monthly mortgage payment so it takes the pressure off my dad and brother and also gives me somewhere to live when I'm back. My dad built the house so there's a strong emotional attachment too.

I'm in a short-term let in the UK up to mid-december and was planning to do another similar one after Xmas to take me to mid-Feb when my mat leave will start.

My mother has been very unhappy with me renting the house for some time now and it came to a head this evening. She believes she owns it, although she doesn't, and wants me out. I was closing the gate at the bottom of the driveway tonight and she tried to wrench it out of my hand. When I didn't let go she pushed back hard with it, fortunately just catching me in the arm and not the stomach.

Legally I know she can't force me out, but she's making everyone's lives very difficult and I'm worried about my father who is 77. I'm also worried about the financial impact on my parents who would be left carrying the full mortgage as my brother isn't in a position to do so.

What should I do? For background, my brother and I have never had a good relationship with my mother (think Stately Homes thread type stuff - I've posted there recently) but we want to help my parents and support them. Dad is really excited about the birth of his first grandchild and would be delighted to have me living just up the road. My mother says she's coming to throw me out tomorrow and that if I weren't pregnant she'd slap me - so she knows that much anyway. I'd love to stay here but the daily threats - and now violence- are making it hard.

What do I do? No support from the father of the baby who I've posted about before....so I'm an emotional wreck tonight and can't stop shaking.

Sorry that was so long and hope it made sense!

Her GP is great. So understanding. Her father-in-law has Alzheimer's and she gets how tough daily life can be. She's also been my mother's GP for a number of years so understands her personality too which helps.

Nervous about what today will bring. I had over 20 calls in total yesterday. So I'm expected to fall back into line as normal - visiting etc which is fine but can't cope with her when she turns right now, which can happen very fast. So need to figure out what stepping back from her means in reality.

My mil had dementia and exhibited a lot of those signs. Wasnt violent but didnt want fil out of her sight. Had to go into care as began to lose her way, forget where she was going etc so a danger to herself.
I have to say though l dont like the idea of her not owning the property as in a marriage all property belongs to each. Its a bit ridiculous trying to prove to a lady who is not well that she doesnt own something her dh owns. If she owned that land originally l hope she hasnt been hoodwinked. Its sounds suspicious.

Why not try to stay in the UK, and build up a support network there - which you will need when you go back to work - and visit your family for a week or so at a time? That way you can "escape" if your mum's behaviour becomes too much to cope with, and you don't get trapped into a long term caring role which can become more and more onerous but hard to get out of. Isn't there the danger of a presumption that as a daughter on maternity leave you are in an ideal position to support your mum? If she could be violent to you or your baby this would be an absolute nightmare.
You could rent somewhere else near your family, but then you would be returning to the UK with no support in place, and possibly with a lot of pressure to stay because who else will look after your mum?

@junebirthdaygirl she and my father transferred the land to my brother well over 10 years ago when she was in the fullness of her health. Amazingly it was all her idea back then - it was all above board and done legally. It was an empty plot then and they wanted to build on it for my brother - again at her suggestion. At the time they assumed he'd be the only one who was local so it made sense. The house was built but not finished to living standard when the recession hit. My brother was out of work and Dad needed a series of operations. I gave my mother money every month for the basics like food and bills etc. Eventually they got tenants in but she was never happy with them so they didn't last long. I got a job locally a few years ago which is how I ended up moving back and renting the house which had been empty for a while and which they were struggling to pay the mortgage on. Before her illness my mother was a super organised and competent woman - she had full control of all the finances and legal stuff. My dad had no involvement and to this day doesn't have a debit or credit card. She was the decision maker on all of this and the idea was that my brother would live up the road from them. It just hasn't worked out that way. He still isn't in a position to take over the mortgage - his girlfriend is about a year away from completing a course so he's the only one working.

If move out she won't allow any other tenants in (she has imagined that my ex, who has no interest whatsoever, wants half the house) and my parents will have to pay the full mortgage every month which will cripple them again. Everyone is suffering because of this.

@MotherofTerriers I think you're right. Dad came to see me this morning and told my that last night was when she started this stuff about my ex wanting the house. He lives in the UK and has never been here.

I don't want to see them pour all their money into a mortgage on a house that is standing empty. And if I rent somewhere nearby I don't think my father would be able to see me and the baby much - she would go mad. So maybe the UK is the best option. She will be happier without me here and that will make life easier on dad. I've been paying rent in two countries for the last year while I've been working in the UK - work has allowed me such a flexible arrangement because of mum's illness. But I'm at crisis point here - I really don't know what is for the best anymore.

How has today gone OP?

It turns out she has been avoiding her registered GP and has been going to another local practice for things like coughs/colds etc. Her medical card is registered with her original GP who is the one who referred her to the memory clinic etc and helped with the Alzheimer's diagnosis. I rang the second GP yesterday to explain the situation- she had already made an appt to see him today about a sore eye, having gone in last week with a cold. Seemingly he told her that she is only allowed one visit per year with a different clinic to the one her medical card is registered with. He also explained that she can transfer to his surgery if she wishes but he will be getting her medical records from her current GP.

So, she's cross enough with him now to hopefully go to her own doctor and my aunt is on the case. I feel bad about leaning on family members right now but have no choice.

I went to the doctor yesterday myself (sounds like we are constantly in there!) as I was worried about the impact of all the stress on the baby but everything looks okay, thankfully. I'm taking a couple of days off work and a step back from my mother right now.