Mother with Alzheimer's lost the plot tonight

[Nadeynoo]

Hi everyone

Had a bad shock tonight and badly need some impartial advice.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and my mother, who has early Alzheimer's, hit me tonight with a gate.

I split my time between the UK and Ireland- spending one week a month working from Ireland to provide support to my parents. I rent a house in Ireland that belongs to my father and brother. My plan was to come back to Ireland to have the baby and spend my mat leave here. I'm going to be a single mother so thought it'd be good to be around family and friends.

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and has decided that the house I live in belongs to her and that she doesn't want me in it. The rent I pay covers three quarters of the monthly mortgage payment so it takes the pressure off my dad and brother and also gives me somewhere to live when I'm back. My dad built the house so there's a strong emotional attachment too.

I'm in a short-term let in the UK up to mid-december and was planning to do another similar one after Xmas to take me to mid-Feb when my mat leave will start.

My mother has been very unhappy with me renting the house for some time now and it came to a head this evening. She believes she owns it, although she doesn't, and wants me out. I was closing the gate at the bottom of the driveway tonight and she tried to wrench it out of my hand. When I didn't let go she pushed back hard with it, fortunately just catching me in the arm and not the stomach.

Legally I know she can't force me out, but she's making everyone's lives very difficult and I'm worried about my father who is 77. I'm also worried about the financial impact on my parents who would be left carrying the full mortgage as my brother isn't in a position to do so.

What should I do? For background, my brother and I have never had a good relationship with my mother (think Stately Homes thread type stuff - I've posted there recently) but we want to help my parents and support them. Dad is really excited about the birth of his first grandchild and would be delighted to have me living just up the road. My mother says she's coming to throw me out tomorrow and that if I weren't pregnant she'd slap me - so she knows that much anyway. I'd love to stay here but the daily threats - and now violence- are making it hard.

What do I do? No support from the father of the baby who I've posted about before....so I'm an emotional wreck tonight and can't stop shaking.

Sorry that was so long and hope it made sense!

It's a patch called Exelon for people with mild-moderate dementia or Parkinsons. There is a stronger level she could be on but the GP thinks she might need a change to a different medication so she needs to be reviewed by a specialist.

@ElspethFlashman we are in the SE of Ireland. She refused to engage with the local gerontologist a couple of years ago - said he'd insulted her brother who had also had Alzheimer's which of course he didnt - but we managed to get her to go to Dublin by saying all the siblings had to have tests due to their brother having it. Something similar might work again.

Just been to the police, along with a good friend of mine, to get some advice. They were very kind and understanding. It was just a talk as background rather than reporting her but they have made a note of the situation incase Dad needs to call them again.

I discussed it with Dad before going and I do feel guilty but I also think it was the right thing to do.

@FabulouslyGlamorousFerret Sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. It's a tough road

Just a thought...
Another thing that you might have to take into account when deciding what to do for your Mat Leave is that having a child can bring up a lot of "stuff" about your own childhood and the way that you were parented. It might be easier to form a good strong secure attachment to your child when you are no longer confronted on a daily basis with the "stuff" from your own childhood...

@TwinkleTee you are spot on about that and I've been processing some stuff already the last few months. I'm getting some help from a counsellor on that front.

@nadeynoo oh I'm so glad you are getting some support on that front. I know from experience that becoming a mother can be extra extra difficult if your own experience of being mothered wasn't pleasant.

@TwinkleTee It is scary alright! There's so much going on right now - a breakdown of a relationship and the situation with my mother. Impending motherhood does make you think about things and I want my own baby's upbringing to be different.

I think that is going to mean taking a big step back from my mother. It's definitely becoming clear and the thread is helping a lot.

@nadeynoo I had to move literally half way across the globe to get the distance I needed to be able to think clearly and connect with what I wanted :)
Best of luck

The thing is OP, you say the house belongs to your father and your brother, but it must also belong to your mother in reality, since she is married to your father presumably. If she is objecting to you living there, I am not sure what you can do except make other arrangements. Unless she is forced to accept it by your father and brother - which it doesn't sound like she is!

Having a child does tend to bring up family relationships like this. I really think no-one can say what is best for you to do, as only you know yourself, your mother, and your circumstances. But I believe the dynamics of this will work themselves out (eventually) - you just have to do what you think is right for you and your child-to-be. I brought up my son completely on my own and I remember very happy peaceful times just the two of us when he was a baby. Its not something everyone could do, and it had its struggles, but it was a lovely, even magical time. You may be distressed at times, with family, but having a baby can make you remarkably strong at the same time.

op. It’s so hard what you are going through

My Mil is the same - she has Alzheimer’s but refuses to accept she needs help. It’s angry at everyone around her and accusing them of stealing from her. You need to try to get people involved - doctors, carers etc so they can decide when the decision of what she can and can’t do it taken out of her hands for hers & everyone else’s safety.

From MIL I think things change rapidly when they do change and if your DM isn’t on the correct medication this may be the case. It’s this middle of the diagnosis part that I think is the hardest for everyone involved

Take care of yourself and your baby! Xx

@santhem that's what I thought too but my father and brother checked it out with the solicitor. Not sure of the details but if anything happened to either of them it seems their share then goes to the other one. It is confusing!

Thanks for sharing your own experience - you describe it in such a lovely way.

@Ishouldbedoingsomething That's exactly what her GP said - it's this middle, in-between stage that's often the hardest to navigate. I really hope we can get her into the doctor

Can you make the appointment and get DF to make sure she attends - it’s probably easier for her to go with him than anyone else

They will retest her - once the test results get below a certain level then it’s easier for them to get involved

X

Alzheimers is so awful, but with a narcissistic person who has always had her way it must be very traumatic,
she know she has Alzheimers though right?
Someone is going to have to put their foot down & tell her that she must go for these doctors appointments, & whether she likes it or not.
Its like the day my brother took the car keys away from my Dad. he wanted to keep driving, he was angry & outraged & threatened all manner of hear breaking things, but we decided it was over. & literally forced the situation. Keys were removed.
What will happen when she needs home help for bathing etc?
if she is refusing all cooperation now, it will be a constant battle.
The 3 of you may need to have a united front, & tell her if she won't get The appropriate treatment then you don't feel you can keep her at home.
I know you aren't used to facing up to her, & are trying to be gentle & supportive, but some people with Alzheimers can be violent. & it is not good for you, nor you old Dad.
re the house, could you rent it to someone else, & rent another place ?
You need to take care of yourself & baby, thats OK if you can switch off the worrying about what is going on at home.
Easier said than done.

She won't go at all if he encourages her - she hates to show 'weakness' and doesn't trust him at all right now.

I used to say I was going to doctor (she and I attend the same surgery) and get her to come along with me. And used to drive her to the memory clinic by saying I needed to get something done to my car nearby etc. But that was a few years ago when she wasn't as angry and difficult and suspicious as now.

Hi OP, have you looked into the 'Fair Deal' scheme? www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/health_services/health_services_for_older_people/nursing_homes_support_scheme_1.html

If she's being violent, harassing you and making your Dad's life hell she's probably better off in a residential setting.

I used to be a home carer OP and a lot of my work involved respite for families with a dementia sufferer, and helping people stay at home in the early stages of the illness. It was a minefield - it makes people very unpredictable and the violence was an all too common every day event as it is sheer frustration and anger at what is happening to them.

But your dad and brother are enabling your mum to live in a fantasy that this isn't happening to her, and that has to stop. She needs taking to appointments whether she wants to or not, and doesn't need to be told where they are going etc..... so there is no refusal. Would they leave her if she was suffering from cancer and not getting help? And you need to take responsibility for your own safety now you are pregnant by staying well away from her until her medication is sorted. That might sound harsh, but this isn't going to go away or get better.... it's going to get worse, and your mum needs protecting as do you.

She is still at the stage where she'd be aware of arriving at the doctor's and would probably refuse to get out of the car. She knew she had Alzheimer's when she was diagnosed with it but decided the doctors were all wrong - which I'm sure is common and understandable. Now I'm not sure she's aware that she has it but her refusal to go to the doctor means she's aware something is up and doesn't want to face it.

Our 'strategy' has always been to maintain the illusion that she's the one in control. It's had a limited degree of success but it's had some.

I haven't seen her since Thursday night (the incident with the gate) but she seems to have registered my absence tonight and keeps ringing. She's leaving voicemail messages, calling me by a family nickname and saying she and dad want to call to see me.

I've not answered the phone, my car is parked around the side of the house so it's not visible from the road and I'm going over to my cousin's house later on, but it's nervewracking! She can turn from being nice to absolutely vicious and violent. I think I'd be better off in a house that she doesn't know about.

OP have you tried at any point to get an appointment with the MISA unit in St. James Hospital in Dublin?

They are so brilliant. That place is dedicated to elderly care. Maybe Mum's GP could set it up for you all.

www.stjames.ie/Departments/DepartmentsA-Z/M/MedicinefortheElderly/DepartmentOverview/

@cathyclown that's where she was diagnosed - the memory clinic in that unit. Unfortunately she wouldnt go to her recent check-up appointment there. They were absolutely brilliant during the diagnosis process though.

@nadeynoo

I have a similar mother to you. She is well looked after now, and is in full time care. The time had come and I have the bruises to prove it! Frustration plays a big part. But I am no longer going to be physically abused now!

MISA were excellent absolutely brilliant and so dedicated to elderly care. It was a revelation.

Did your mother willingly engage with the doctors etc @cathyclown ?

They were so good when she was diagnosed that I know they can help if we can get her back there

At some point you know the is going to have to see a doctor, so sooner than later you 3 are going to have to make her go.even if you have to trick her into the car, then once she is there, refuse to budge until she capitulates.

@Mix56 she won't capitulate in that situation and could get aggressive. I really wish that were the solution. I was talking to my aunt last night who is going to take the 'we all have to have tests' approach again. She is sometimes more obliging for a couple of her siblings than for us, but again, if they tackle her head on she won't budge

Sorry to hear that. hope aunt can get her to go.