Mother with Alzheimer's lost the plot tonight

[Nadeynoo]

Hi everyone

Had a bad shock tonight and badly need some impartial advice.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and my mother, who has early Alzheimer's, hit me tonight with a gate.

I split my time between the UK and Ireland- spending one week a month working from Ireland to provide support to my parents. I rent a house in Ireland that belongs to my father and brother. My plan was to come back to Ireland to have the baby and spend my mat leave here. I'm going to be a single mother so thought it'd be good to be around family and friends.

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and has decided that the house I live in belongs to her and that she doesn't want me in it. The rent I pay covers three quarters of the monthly mortgage payment so it takes the pressure off my dad and brother and also gives me somewhere to live when I'm back. My dad built the house so there's a strong emotional attachment too.

I'm in a short-term let in the UK up to mid-december and was planning to do another similar one after Xmas to take me to mid-Feb when my mat leave will start.

My mother has been very unhappy with me renting the house for some time now and it came to a head this evening. She believes she owns it, although she doesn't, and wants me out. I was closing the gate at the bottom of the driveway tonight and she tried to wrench it out of my hand. When I didn't let go she pushed back hard with it, fortunately just catching me in the arm and not the stomach.

Legally I know she can't force me out, but she's making everyone's lives very difficult and I'm worried about my father who is 77. I'm also worried about the financial impact on my parents who would be left carrying the full mortgage as my brother isn't in a position to do so.

What should I do? For background, my brother and I have never had a good relationship with my mother (think Stately Homes thread type stuff - I've posted there recently) but we want to help my parents and support them. Dad is really excited about the birth of his first grandchild and would be delighted to have me living just up the road. My mother says she's coming to throw me out tomorrow and that if I weren't pregnant she'd slap me - so she knows that much anyway. I'd love to stay here but the daily threats - and now violence- are making it hard.

What do I do? No support from the father of the baby who I've posted about before....so I'm an emotional wreck tonight and can't stop shaking.

Sorry that was so long and hope it made sense!

@StewPots What can be done if someone is refusing to engage and insists everyone else is the problem?

I know me leaving would pacify her - and it looks like that's what I'll be doing - but it'll only solve one problem.

Any form of dementia is classed as effectively a mental illness, as well as a form of brain damage. This means basically in medical and legal terms that the person is no longer capable of making a decision that is in their best interest.

What usually happens is that a best interest meetings will be held in a persons absence and decisions made regarding their care - where they live, what medication they take and how etc. will be discussed. It means in the bluntest terms possible that your mum will eventually be forced to have some sort of psychiatric care, and possibly removed from the home.

This however takes a long time and also the aim is to make the experience as personal an person centred to the sufferer as possible, so all their needs and preferences are taken into account.

From reading your OP it seems like your mother is already a danger to others, and with some forms of dementia this can get worse without intervention. On that basis alone, push the GP today, explain about the physical and verbal behaviour and ask them to refer you to specialists who can help. It needs taking seriously. Sadly people with dementia cannot always tell the difference between pregnant women, children etc and sometimes they don't care ( one lady we looked after used to purposefully aim for my colleagues stomach whilst saying the most dreadful things when she was pregnant and within a few days that colleague never did any form of care with her).

I'm not sure of the process in Ireland but I hope my experience here can help you in some way.

Thanks @StewPots - that is really helpful

Oh and OP, specialists can see through the "it's not me it's everyone else" thing because they have the training to recognise signs and symptoms a lay person may not so don't worry about that. I really hope you get some support today. I'm off to work now but please keep us updated with how you got on.

Thanks again @StewPots. She can be very good at putting on a front for the duration of a medical appt but you're right, her GP knows it's a front.

I'm really torn between wanting to help my parents and needing to make sure I'm bringing this baby into a good environment.

Bless you OP it's bloody awful. Please take care of yourself xx

Can I suggest reading Contented Dementia by Oliver James? It really helped in our family when my aunt was first diagnosed. In particular, it gave us the sense that we had a plan about how to approach her when she was agitated and gave us ideas about how to calm her (our initial efforts seemed to make things worse).
It is much more distressing to see your mother experience this than an aunt and you have a lot to cope with at the moment but it honestly helped us immeasurably as we tried to cope with my aunt. You cannot reason with the unreasonable, you need new tactics, if only to protect yourself, emotionally and physically. Good luck op. It is a long haul and a cruel disease.

That's a great suggestion Mabel. For 9 times out of 10 we just go along with her but it doesn't seem to help much.

She is very angry at anyone who is deemed to be taking my father away from her - like my brother if he spends 'too long' in conversation with Dad outside or in another room. She wants to control Dad's every waking minute and kicks off if that isn't happening. She told my brother she'd hit him with a hammer recently.

She's always been very hard to deal with - even 15/20 years ago she'd threaten suicide if she wasn't getting her own way. My father lost a brother to suicide so this was very hard on him. Part of her behaviour is her personality and part is the disease. It's all so muddled right now.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I would suggest that you go to Alzheimer.org.uk, their website has a forum called talking point. You will be able to get a lot of information there, including support from other posters in Ireland.

Sadly, your mother is going to get worse as time goes on, and babies and Alzheimers don't mix well. You need to put yourself and your baby first, and its so easy to get sucked into supporting someone with dementia and then find that over time their needs increase and you can't back out.
Don't worry about supporting your dad and brother financially, let them sell the property or find another tenant. Your dad might want to do some reading up, a lot of support for dementia sufferers isn't paid for by the health service, so in the long term he may end up paying for care.
Looking after someone with Alzheimers is a marathon not a sprint. You can support your dad by sending him information, researching for him etc, but you need to keep yourself and your baby safe

I think you need to be truthful to her gp so they can intervene. Tell them about the violence and threats. She's a threat to others and herself and it's difficult for your family to keep her and others safe.

The fact that she's been a toxic woman all her life should make this less heartbreaking for you.

What I hear is that you are spending a lot of time considering other people's needs. Your dads, your mums, and even your brothers. Could you possibly take them out of the equation and think about just your needs and your baby's.
You've been dealt a really restrictive hand ... but within those limits what can you do that will be the best solution for you two. You will need peace and space when your baby turns up. Your mum's situation will mean that the closer you are to her, the more that peace and space will be eaten up. Never underestimate how much time a baby needs, and realise that your mum will be just as demanding, and - from the sound of it - nowhere near as rewarding.
Also, ... it doesn't sound like you can effectively communicate with her, without exhausting yourself in the process. People with dementia often need to hear over and over again something, before it even has the possibility of sticking ... and if she has an underlying tricky personality from before the dementia kicked in, it will be all the harder ...

Once you've revalued everything ... pros and cons, you might feel more intuitively where you ll be more effective.

For my money tho, I'd be tempted to stay put in the U.K. Move to your family home in Ireland once your mums needs have been addressed and she's no longer physically able to come to your door and shout at you, and the rest .....

I'm kind of the 'admin' person in the family, having taken over from my mother on those kinds of things.

Dad was very frank with me this morning - said that unfortunately what he wanted and what I wanted and what my brother wanted is being made impossible and that we have to move on from that now.

Still waiting for a call from the GP and have called work to explain I need to take a couple of days off - they were really great.

Your poor mum.

If I were you I'd stay in the UK.

You won't qualify for maternity pay here or other benefits and there is a massive problem with housing here.

You may even lose any UK maternity benefits if you're not resident there.

I don't have any support in the UK. Just feels like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place now.

See if you can contact Altzheimers Ireland for some useful resources. We found them very supportive and helpful. It's a disease that's very hard on the carers - even when that patient was normally a placid docile person, so I can only imagine how tricky things are for you now.

In our case we found that disagreeing with the person or trying to explain only agitated the situation, so we began to do the opposite. They were mad for example that "the stairs were put there" when they'd been there for decades. But trying to explain that only caused more agitation so in the end we would just agree that the stairs were in the wrong place and we would phone 'the man' after a cuppa. And repeat that every time it came up. So if her dementia is fairly advanced it might be worth trying to pacify her in the short term by agreeing with what she's saying because she wont remember the long term?

Do you think your mum might listen to a local priest/vicar or other man of authority locally? Many people find that people with dementia will listen more to someone outside the family, and tbh it seems a mans word is taken more seriously.

She told my brother she'd hit him with a hammer recently.....hit me tonight with a gate

Why haven't/won't you consider reporting her to the police for assaulting you?
That's what we had to do when my dad pulled a knife on my mum due to his illness.
We explained his condition to the officers, they were actually very sympathetic and very helpful.
They didn't arrest him - but they made sure he physically stayed away from her house and they supported us in ensuring dad was assessed by the mental health team to get things moving formally.

The fact is - either she has capacity to know what she's doing or she doesn't.
If she does - then you can use the law to protect yourselves from her violence.
If she doesn't - then that needs to be formally ascertained so you can get her the help she needs and to protect yourselves.

My dad was a controlling narc our whole lives - much like your mum.
I'm sure he was using his condition to some degree to carry on as before.
Giving him the choice between getting assessed and accepting the help/meds on offer and going to jail/having a restraining order was what finally helped us all.

I would have a serious talk with Alzhemier's Ireland and the GP about the risk to you are your baby's safety. Safety has to come first and that may mean staying put or living elsewhere in the town until things are under control.

If your mum shouts at you to get out again. Go along with it - yes, you are moving but are waiting for the removers to arrive etc... Are your dad and brother expecting you to take over most of the caring role (especially intimate care)? That is a big ask if you have just had a baby. I'm Irish and I know there was an expectation that despite a husband and children that somehow I would move back from England and do the caring and my DF was very resistant to having outside help (my 4 DB's were all living nearby but not expected to help).

Talk to any help organisation you can and don't move too soon - it doesn't sound very safe for your baby. So sorry - you have so much on your plate.

I just had a call from her GP. They are very limited as to what they can do because she doesn't keep appts - won't attend the memory clinic anymore - but the doctor is going to try to get her into the surgery and refer her to be reassessed and possibly her medication changed if needs be.

I was thinking of explaining the situation to the local police but was worried I'd be wasting their time.

I think the expectation would be that, during maternity leave, I'd be doing much of the caring for mum. She won't entertain the idea of outside carers yet.

@SocMcDuffin that's a good tactic and one we use a lot but she's not so advanced that she can be robbed off more than once or twice.

@HeebieJeebies456 that's a useful suggestion and thanks for sharing your own experience. We do need some 'leverage' to get her to re-engage with the doctor.

Do you think your mum will let you care for her without violence? Does she only get angry about the house situation?

If you were a HCA then your employer would have to do a risk assessment and the advice is to tell them about the pregnancy as early as possible. You may find toileting and bathing your mother difficult as you get bigger and impossible if she is violent. Please get some professional help about this situation and help with formulating a care plan for your mother

‘Your poor mum’ my arse. Shitty people get ill too, it doesn’t make them any less shitty. She sounds like a spiteful cow. Alzheimer’s or not.

Your main priority is your baby so take good care of yourself and step back from your mum.

I think the expectation would be that, during maternity leave, I'd be doing much of the caring for mum. She won't entertain the idea of outside carers yet.

I really don't think that's likely to work out - do you? On that basis alone, I would probably stay in the UK. I think the last thing you are likely to need while caring for a newborn alone is also to be trying to care for a hostile, violent mother with a progressive dementia.

@Wormulonian at the moment it's company and admin help she needs. Toileting and bathing are yet to come. She's been angry over the house for a while, but more recently about members of her family taking Dad's time and attention. She will accept my help on the admin stuff more readily than anyone else's but really doesn't like me living in the house. She forgets I pay rent that covers most of the mortgage and sees it as me "getting" the house.

@PsychedelicSheep she has always been hard work and very controlling. She expects a lot from us but resents the love and affection Dad gives us