Mother with Alzheimer's lost the plot tonight

[Nadeynoo]

Hi everyone

Had a bad shock tonight and badly need some impartial advice.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and my mother, who has early Alzheimer's, hit me tonight with a gate.

I split my time between the UK and Ireland- spending one week a month working from Ireland to provide support to my parents. I rent a house in Ireland that belongs to my father and brother. My plan was to come back to Ireland to have the baby and spend my mat leave here. I'm going to be a single mother so thought it'd be good to be around family and friends.

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and has decided that the house I live in belongs to her and that she doesn't want me in it. The rent I pay covers three quarters of the monthly mortgage payment so it takes the pressure off my dad and brother and also gives me somewhere to live when I'm back. My dad built the house so there's a strong emotional attachment too.

I'm in a short-term let in the UK up to mid-december and was planning to do another similar one after Xmas to take me to mid-Feb when my mat leave will start.

My mother has been very unhappy with me renting the house for some time now and it came to a head this evening. She believes she owns it, although she doesn't, and wants me out. I was closing the gate at the bottom of the driveway tonight and she tried to wrench it out of my hand. When I didn't let go she pushed back hard with it, fortunately just catching me in the arm and not the stomach.

Legally I know she can't force me out, but she's making everyone's lives very difficult and I'm worried about my father who is 77. I'm also worried about the financial impact on my parents who would be left carrying the full mortgage as my brother isn't in a position to do so.

What should I do? For background, my brother and I have never had a good relationship with my mother (think Stately Homes thread type stuff - I've posted there recently) but we want to help my parents and support them. Dad is really excited about the birth of his first grandchild and would be delighted to have me living just up the road. My mother says she's coming to throw me out tomorrow and that if I weren't pregnant she'd slap me - so she knows that much anyway. I'd love to stay here but the daily threats - and now violence- are making it hard.

What do I do? No support from the father of the baby who I've posted about before....so I'm an emotional wreck tonight and can't stop shaking.

Sorry that was so long and hope it made sense!

@CMOTDibbler good suggestion and one I hadn't thought of

I think the expectation would be that, during maternity leave, I'd be doing much of the caring for mum

No!, just no!

This is the time when you want to be bonding with your baby, not dealing with a possibly violent person, even if she is your mother.

OP, seriously, the idea that you care for your mother whIle on mat leave is sheer madness.

I think you need to distinguish very clearly in your mind between what could be, in an ideal world (you being close to your family and being able to support your father and brother while on mat leave) and what is highly likely to be the reality (you, alone all day, completely overstretched between the needs of your baby and your mother, constantly afraid of violence against you or baby, constantly feeling like you're failing everybody).

@TerrifyingFeistyCupcake and @Atenco yes you're right. I already feel like I'm failing everybody, especially this baby right now

"She won't entertain the idea of outside carers yet."

Honestly, that sounds like a "not your problem" situation. You cant be at risk, especially with a new baby, so its not possible for you to be her carer. Your dad and your brother would probably prefer you because thats a battle they then dont have to fight but YOULL be fighting it. She already doesnt want you in the house, do you really think that she'll be all sweetness and gratitude at you wiping her bottom?

It sounds like shes now past the point of having everything the way she'd prefer, shes just not competent to make those decisions for herself any more and have that be the final word.

Has anyone suggested or tried medication for your mom?

Do you have Power of attorney

She's on medication in the form of a patch which my father changes daily but it hasn't been reviewed in two years.

No power of attorney - she won't entertain that at all even in the earlier years.

OP I have 2 people that were/are very close to me with dementia.
Best friend who suffered with early onset Alzheimers in her 50's and my Dsis who is suffering from Parkinsons related Dementia.
Both of them have been cared for by their devoted and patient husbands, and it has virtually physically destroyed them both.
They have both been violent to some extent, probably out of frustration, but does not alter the impact that this behaviour has had on these men.
Please do NOT consider looking after your Mother whilst pregnant or on maternity leave. Whilst you feel it is your responsibility due to her personality (and her condition) she will not appreciate or even welcome it. Her behaviour will become more childlike, and your own child must take precedence.
Medical professionals, social workers etc all seem to work towards keeping care "within the family" which in this case means you.
I think you are going to have to be very firm on this, this is not a situation that is going to get any better, believe me, please for your sake and the sake of your child do not be available for "care".
Enjoy your baby,

Thanks @HazelBite. Dementia is a terrible illness.

'Care' at the moment really means company - driving mum places, entertaining her and helping her with tasks/admin. I had assumed we'd naturally spend a lot of my maternity leave together but I know I can't be dealing with her tantrums and care for a new born at the same time.

Care means company and admin for now, and these are still things she doesnt want you to do. When the first day comes that you see she actually needs more than that, are you really going to walk out and say "now she needs this extra little thing, Im not doing it any more"? Probably not, and things will slide further and further with her hating you being there every second of the way.

The easiest time to say "she wont let me and it isnt safe for the baby or me, you have to find another way" is now.

@StormTreader Very valid points, thank you. She is someone who expects a lot from us- she thinks we 'owe' her for raising us. Add that to the Alzheimer's and I definitely feel an obligation towards her.

But I have a bigger one - and a more lovely and important one - to my baby.

Nadeyoo, be aware that how she is now, can (and most probably will) alter very rapidly, all sorts of circumstances can set off a sudden decline.
A cold, a bout of flu can cause a deterioration in behaviour.
I went to visit my friend before Xmas who up to then had recognised me, i visited her towards the end of January and she didn't know who I was.
please do not commit yourself to providing any care, make it a case of "If I have time" or "If I can manage it".
You have a father and brother. As your Mothers next of kin all decisions regarding her care will fall to him.
Do not underplay the recent violence it most probably will get worse and you must protect yourself.
Being a new Mum will take all of your emotional and physical energy, try not to involve yourself with the problems with your Mother.
When someone has dementia you try to ignore the insults and the lashing out as you remember what they were like and how much you loved them, do you think you could feel the same about your Mother?

@HazelBite Unfortunately we don't have great memories of her growing up. She never liked Dad giving us time and attention. She does like my brother a bit more than me! So she's always been insulting but more vicious and erratic with it now

You don't have support in the UK now. But that's where your job is, so where you will be at the end of your maternity leave. Why not stay in the UK and work on developing a support network. You'll need it when you go back to work. Maybe join an NCT group? Get to know some other expectant/new mums? Otherwise you'll be back in the UK after maternity leave with no support network, needing childcare etc

@MotherofTerriers (great name!) I meant to thank you earlier for you post about the Alzheimer board. I have posted over there.

Yes, I do need to build up a support network in UK. In my head I would be coming back to Ireland which was my respite from a failed relationship - and home to my family who etc etc, but that's not going as planned!

So sorry Nadey. It sounds like a horrible situation for everyone. I agree with PPs that you just couldn't, shouldn't and really mustn't even think about taking on any of your dm's care when you're on maternity leave. It would be miserable, dangerous and massively detract from your time with your baby. In this situation your mum is just not your responsibility and your father and brother will have to step up and make the decisions about how they cope with her. Not you.

So, you have a choice. Maternity leave in Ireland in a different rented house or in UK. Would your dad or brother be able to come over to the UK to be around for the birth or afterwards? Would you be able to go over to Ireland for short breaks rather than staying all the time?

Your mother's condition wont get better will change so her aggressive behaviour wont necessarily be a permanent feature.

It's a really rotten situation to be in Nadey and I'm sorry. None of this is fair. But I agree with PPs that a) now is the time to recuse yourself from her care and b) you would be better off building a support network - of friends, maybe a childminder - in the UK during your mat leave than putting yourself in this situation.

It may seem cold, but the bottom line here is that your baby's needs clash with your mother's wants, and you therefore have no choice but to put your baby first. You longer have the luxury of minimising or ignoring your own needs, because your baby's wellbeing is totally dependent on yours.

Sadly, I think you need to reconsider returning to Ireland.

It’s not the bolt hole in which to regroup and lick your wounds.

I think you’ll discover too late that it’s a trap from which you’ll find it incredibly hard to escape.

Can you refocus on building a support network in the uk?

My main support was my Nct group, which I was very lucky with. It really helps to know that you can exchange gory details about your nipples with people who are also up in the wee small hours staring at their breasts! Can you look for antenatal groups, connections on netmuns (sorry but that site is good for finding local mums!), and Nct events and coffee mornings etc...

Also places like Gingerbread might have local meet ups (for single parents), and I’m sure there are other charities too that are a good way to meet people.

Also activities when your baby is born like baby massage, breast feeding groups, sure start (still vaguely functioning in some areas). I even met a lovely mum at a baby cinema event (film for you, but special screenings you take your baby too and no one minds if you whip out a boob or bottle, or if you stand rocking and pacing at the back!

It obviously helps if you are living in a city, where the numbers are in your favour - more people, more babies and new mums, and more likely you’ll find not just any mums but other mums you actually get on with!

Caring for any elderly relative while looking after a newborn/young baby is pretty much impossible I would have thought.

And this isn't doing medication, meals and hospital appointments with a frail but lovely grandparent who will be able to keep an eye on the cot while you have a shower or sing nursery rhymes to the baby now and again.

This is someone who is now violent towards you and who you surely will not be able to leave unsupervised in the same house as the baby.

I would advise writing about this incident to your mum's GP - maybe an email confirming what you discussed. Get it in the written record. Apart from anything else, future carers need to know the risks.

*‘Your poor mum’ my arse. Shitty people get ill too, it doesn’t make them any less shitty. She sounds like a spiteful cow. Alzheimer’s or not.

Your main priority is your baby so take good care of yourself and step back from your mum.*

This. It is one thing to takes risks and make sacrifices for someone who has loved and cared for you and is in the grip of a horrible disease. A completely different thing in the case where she was horrible before and is now horrible and violent.

OP, this may sound awful, but please bear in mind that in the UK at least, if a child witnesses domestic violence, social services will probably get involved. If your mother becomes increasingly violent, even if only towards you, that will be deemed detrimental for your child. Social services may have to step in. Which I assume you want to avoid.

I'm also very concerned that you say your DM hates it when your DDad pays the rest of you attention. The reality of looking after a baby is that they need a lot of attention, and they need it now. How will your DM react when you break off what you're doing with her to attend to the baby? Will this exacerbate the situation further?

I don't have any solutions, and it's a horrible situation to be in, but I'd want you to think it through from all perspectives.

It had crossed my mind @SheepyFun that she might not take well to not being the centre of attention.

She's on her best behaviour this evening with my father and brother apparently - I haven't been there today - so she knows enough to know she's gone too far and will rein it back in for a day or two.

It's also a good idea to put this in writing to the GP. I did that in the early days before the Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Tbh I think going back to Ireland is a no go. It's too stressful.

I know Alzheimer's Ireland is V V good, but they can't help people who won't even engage with the GP. But they will definitely have advice for family members.

The patch I'm not sure about. Im not up to date on dementia meds, but is that a Butrans patch? That would be for pain. It wouldn't be for her Alzheimer's (unless there's a patch I don't know about).

You could ask your GP to bring her in under a spurious reaso, checking her blood pressure is a handy one. And he could make so.e assessment face to face, but most importantly he could refer her to a Gerontologist. I don't know where you are, but O'Keefe is the main man in the Western area. She may be more willing if it's a vague term like Gerontologist as you could say she was just going in for an NCT, so to speak. And he would be well used to dealing with challenging older people with Alzheimer's.

Nade your mother’s dementia sounds very similar to my my mothers, no advice - but I feel your pain🍷