Am I wrong to feel so desperate for him to propose

[Sarah1087]

Hi girls

Here's the low down, we've been together just shy of three years, we are happy together, I know he loves me we are starting fertility treatment in next few days for me to conceive as I have endometriosis.

For last few months I've been really down maybe redundancy's in my job which I love, infertile, extreme mood swings PMS pmdd symptoms leading up to my period.
I keep arguing with him and asking why won't you do it, you love me so
Why wait, he's 37 I'm 30 we have no children from us or previous relationships. All I get is it will happen I want to spend rest of my life with you, which them words should be good enough but they're not. I've even said I feel you're not proposing until I have you're child. He was upset about this.
We both have good jobs so money isn't an issue, he said 6 months ago just give me a few months to plan something special, he threw me a surprise 30th birthday party which blew me away and I thought he was amazing, but I also thought he would propose that night and he didn't which again broke me in two.
I've even stooped so low to point I said I'd leave him, which is awful - and he says you're spoiling things for me to propose when all you do is argue every week about it with me. ( he's right ) but I can't stop, I've even gone low enough To search his Fb and find a post he'd put about proposing to his ex and how happy he was they'd been together less than a year ( this was 6 years ago ) and it has made me angry and I've felt insulted that after this long he hasn't with me, what was so special then that I haven't got. Don't get me wrong his past has nothing to do with me we've all loved someone else before and it's creepy of me to even look back at it all. What is wrong with me ? I hate what I'm doing, I'd hate to
Walk away and regret it. I honestly believe this all stems to me being so scared treatment Won't work and I just want to look forward to something positive that I'm desperate.
Another thing that winds me up, him and his ex didn't have children but she changed her name by deedpol to his and still hasn't changed it back, it's weird. And I think I don't want my baby having his name when his ex has got it and i haven't xx

[user1499333856]

Set a deadline in your head to go back and talk to him. Between now and that date, just leave it.

Give him the chance to show you he wants to do it properly. If no progress then tell him it's a no from you and walk.

[MistressDeeCee]

He didn't marry his ex in 6 years, and describes her as a nag. Does this not tell you anything, OP? They likely had same arguments as you are having with him now.

I don't believe for a moment the story re why she changed her name to his. It's too ridiculous for words. He is lying.

You also need to face fact it's possible he wants to see if you can have children or not, before marrying you

[LaughingElliot]

Oh dear, this is a sad thread.

Why are some women so desperate to be married to someone who clearly has no respect for them?

This isn’t love or commitment OP, the guy doesn’t know the meaning of love.

[speakout]

You are pushing him away.
Don't be desperate. Stop the baby plans. Invest more in yourself.

[deepestdarkestperu]

I’d bet my right arm that he’s married to his ex. He proposed, but they never married and she just “changed her name by deed poll” instead?

Bollocks.

[Coconutspongexo]

No woman would just change her surname for the sake of it surely? They’re 100% married.

[Cupoteap]

If he is planning something, every time you bring it up will push that back. How can he do it then?

[apacketofcrisps]

The ex couldn't "take him" for anything if they were not married. Legally living together no kids she wouldn't be entitled to a sniff of his shit, they were married.

[FluffyWhiteTowels]

I agree it all sounds like he is still married. Sorry OP.

And please stop begging him. You have effectively asked him and he has effectively said no. I'm sorry you're going through this. The start of a future together should be happiness and laughter. You sound really desperate and sad.

[TheNaze73]

To be fair, I wouldn’t want to get married after such a short space of time.
If it’s that important to you, ask him.

[lasketchup]

How did his ex “take him” for anything if they weren’t married??

You need to use those resourceful Facebook investigating skills you have to find his marriage certificate!

Are you religious? Would you want to get married in a place in which you can’t if you’ve been married or divorced before?

If so try suggesting a registry office and see if that changes his mind.

[TerrifyingFeistyCupcake]

she took him for everything as they'd lived together for 6yeats

HAHAHAHA no she didn't. They could have lived together for 50 years and she'd have no claim over his finances. Unless... They were married.

I think it's blatantly obvious that a) he was quite likely married to his ex (he's certainly fed you a line about this name change taking him for everything business b) he doesn't want to marry you.

Don't reproduce with him. Don't marry him - he's stringing you along with this "we can't get engaged because we're arguing" business i.e. you're persisting in having wants and needs rather than just going along with whatever he wants.

[MrsFantastic]

Once at work I came across a woman who'd changed her name to the female version of the celebrity she was obsessed with - Patricia Swayze.

It's not unheard of for women with children to change their names without being married (even though it's a bit desperate), but I agree with the others - he is lying about something.

Assuming you are in the UK she can't have "taken him for everything" just by living together and having no children. I also think he was or is married.

[pigeondujour]

Sorry, OP, but I have endometriosis that is likely to damage my fertility too and that informs my opinion that a man who would string along a 30 year old woman with urgent fertility concerns is an absolute cunt.

[SoupDragon]

a man who would string along a 30 year old woman with urgent fertility concerns

To be fair, they are starting fertility treatment. He's not stringing her along in that respect.

I find the whole "waiting for a proposal" thing weird. It's something that really ought to be consigned to the history books insofar as the "waiting for the man to do it" part goes.

Yes, I think it odd that he won't ask you and his evasiveness but I think it equally odd the OP hasn't proposed to him rather than "nagging"

Perhaps he is actually married (although from what you say he may just not like the idea of marriage given his previous "nagging" ex)
Perhaps he doesn't want a wedding - suggest to him you book a registry office and grab two witnesses instead.
Perhaps he has something planned.

Can you talk to him rather than arguing about it?

[SandyY2K]

You are pushing him away.
Don't be desperate. Stop the baby plans. Invest more in yourself.

^^ 100%. If you get a proposal tomorrow, don't you feel it's been forced?

No woman would just change her surname for the sake of it surely? They’re 100% married

Sadly some women do this, but usually whev they've had children and want surnames to match. I could never do it.

The pp who mentioned he may want to see if you can have children first, might be right.
I have to be honest and say I wouldn't marry a man if I wasn't sure he could have children.

[SandyY2K]

I think it equally odd the OP hasn't proposed to him

Despite equality and whatever year/century we are in ... men will propose in the vast majority of relationships. I see nothing wrong in her or any woman not being the one to propose... and asking him after all the conversations they've had about it would be unwise.

[Coconutspongexo]

Ok maybe in that case they would do it but OPs partner is clearly lying, there is no way his ex could have took him for everything just from using his surname

[Kr1st1na]

He’s lying to you about his ex.

He doesn’t want to marry you or he would have done so.

He wants to be free to walk away at any time.

Don’t have a baby with him. You are 30 and you have time to find a decent man.

If you were older and had a secure and welll paying job it might be worth having the baby with him and accepting that he might bugger off at any time. But you have other options so don’t .

[SoupDragon]

Despite equality and whatever year/century we are in ... men will propose in the vast majority of relationships

Yes, and as you can see from the sentence before the one you quoted, I think it is something best consigned to the history books along with any other "mostly men" based things. The argument that it's most common for men to do something is not a valid argument in anything else.

I see nothing wrong in her or any woman not being the one to propose

I see lots wrong with it in today's society. How does it fit with equality?

[ShatnersWig]

Assuming the OP is still reading I have some questions for her which may help us all give the necessary advice:

OP You say you've been with this guy just shy of three years? I'm trying to work out how that can be, because in August last year you were complaining about the guy you were with at the time being a narcissist and now recognised that his talking about a crazy ex was a red flag. You had been trying for a baby but had knocked that on the head.

Seven weeks later you were posting again to say you had finished with that guy but were already seeing an old flame from 6 years ago who had got back in touch and asking if it was too soon. Within six months you were on the conception boards and clearly already trying for a baby with this guy.

So, exactly who is the current guy? It can't be the old flame you started seeing last August in the quickest moving on in living memory as that would only be a year. Did you go back to the previous boyfriend who you admitted was a narcissist (and much worse)? Assume it has to be because of the three years thing. In which case why are you back with him and why are you wanting a baby with him and why do you seem to want any boyfriend to give you a baby within a few months of dating them?

[Thrillofit]

Oh dear, who are you actually trying to get pregnant with?

Re this guy's ex. It may well be that they didn't get married but she was as desperate as you so changed her name. Also she could only have fleeced him if he allowed it so I wouldn't take much notice of that story.

[ShatnersWig]

Actually I'm even more confused. In mid-August 2016 you left the narcissist sociopath partner who had an 11-year old son. You said you were going to stay single for a while and work through some issues. Last week of September 2016 you had been with a new guy for two months.

So the guy you're talking about in this thread can't be the ex you left in August 2016 as he had a child and you've clearly said current guy has no children from previous relationships.

So you can't have been with this guy for longer than a year, at most, yet you say you've been with him three years.

Can you untangle this for me?

[Mrsyorkie]

How would he feel about the baby having your name? I was never bothered about getting married but didn't want to be part of a family where I had a different name. I told my (now) husband that the baby would have have both of our surnames. He wasn't keen on that but did want to get married- I told him I didn't want to get married once I'd had a baby... He proposed to me in a very special way I was very taken aback and we got married with immediate family 9 weeks later. I would not change one thing about it.

[bufin]

Oh dear.......