Am I wrong to feel so desperate for him to propose

[Sarah1087]

Hi girls

Here's the low down, we've been together just shy of three years, we are happy together, I know he loves me we are starting fertility treatment in next few days for me to conceive as I have endometriosis.

For last few months I've been really down maybe redundancy's in my job which I love, infertile, extreme mood swings PMS pmdd symptoms leading up to my period.
I keep arguing with him and asking why won't you do it, you love me so
Why wait, he's 37 I'm 30 we have no children from us or previous relationships. All I get is it will happen I want to spend rest of my life with you, which them words should be good enough but they're not. I've even said I feel you're not proposing until I have you're child. He was upset about this.
We both have good jobs so money isn't an issue, he said 6 months ago just give me a few months to plan something special, he threw me a surprise 30th birthday party which blew me away and I thought he was amazing, but I also thought he would propose that night and he didn't which again broke me in two.
I've even stooped so low to point I said I'd leave him, which is awful - and he says you're spoiling things for me to propose when all you do is argue every week about it with me. ( he's right ) but I can't stop, I've even gone low enough To search his Fb and find a post he'd put about proposing to his ex and how happy he was they'd been together less than a year ( this was 6 years ago ) and it has made me angry and I've felt insulted that after this long he hasn't with me, what was so special then that I haven't got. Don't get me wrong his past has nothing to do with me we've all loved someone else before and it's creepy of me to even look back at it all. What is wrong with me ? I hate what I'm doing, I'd hate to
Walk away and regret it. I honestly believe this all stems to me being so scared treatment Won't work and I just want to look forward to something positive that I'm desperate.
Another thing that winds me up, him and his ex didn't have children but she changed her name by deedpol to his and still hasn't changed it back, it's weird. And I think I don't want my baby having his name when his ex has got it and i haven't xx

[LumpySpaceCow]

He isn't actually married to his ex is he? You sure it's just a deed poll?

[Viviennemary]

He really is dragging his feet about this marriage business. I agree that getting engaged is pointless at this stage because he will just use it to buy time and it will always be next year, when I've got a promotion, pay rise or whatever. Always an excuse.

I don't think I'd start fertility treatment under the circumstances if he won't commit himself to marriage. You need to be prepared that he won't ever commit to marriage and decide whether you still would go ahead with the treatment. Hope things work out.

[Bobbins43]

My first thought was “Well, why don’t you propose to him?” but actually, having read another poster, I don’t think he wants to marry you either. If he did, he would have asked. It’s not as if he doesn’t know you want it. So he’s making a deliberate choice to not marry you. You need to decide how important marriage is to you. Are you willing to stay without marriage? And not keep going on about it? Or is there no point in the relationship if you’re not getting married?

It’s a tough call and I feel for you but trust me, splitting up with someone is much easier if you’re not married with kids. Good luck. I hope you find a way forward

[RedForFilth]

Do you just want a baby with him or do you just want a baby?

If he doesn't want to marry you can't force him but you need to ensure you're protected so if you own a house both of your names should be on it. Don't become a sahm or reduce hours or earning potential.

Personally I see it as a red flag. He sees marriage as a bigger commitment than a baby. Why? Because to him he could just walk out on you and a baby. If you're married you're legally tied.

I'd also check he definitely isn't already married.

[Annoyed5678]

Marriage isn't legal protection if no assets, sounds like he's stringing you along see if you can give him a baby first.

[Annoyed5678]

Also fishy why his ex changed name by deed poll to his that doesn't happen every day, I think he's still married to her

[Bluntness100]

He isn't actually married to his ex is he? You sure it's just a deed poll?

This. My first thought was he is already married.

[BackInTheRoom]

Ooh yes, is he already married? OP, I wouldn't have babies with him until you are married. As it stands, you're doing all this commitment thing on you're own!

[HelloSquirrels]

He wont do it. My dp is the same full of shit essentially

Give the baby your name when you have one. I didnt and i regret if.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Marriages end, even when at least one of the parties doesn't want it to. Nothing is guaranteed but this man doesn't want to marry you. Does he even want a baby with you or is that something that you are hankering and pressing for (really)?

If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. Six years in and he doesn't want to. He's using the excuse of arguments whereas any man who wanted to marry you would say, "You're right, let's just do this, I'd do anything to be with you".

Sorry but cut your losses and find somebody else to have a baby with if that's what you want. You are not the one for this man.

[SandyY2K]

I never understand why people who want marriage have a child first.

He may want to marry you .. but you need to stop going on about it. He wants to propose in his way, in his time. Just relax yourself.

Also ... make sure you give any child you may have your surname, unless you're married.

[KingMortificadosMistress]

This is very simple.

Tell him you want to get married NOW before you start trying for a child because you don't want to bring a child into a relationship that does not have the security for you of marriage.

If he says no or delays, you have your answer.

If you want marriage, then leave him and now. If he is more important than marriage and you choose to stay, you will need to do it on the basis marriage (and the lack of security the absence of marriage entails) will not be a part of your life. So you'll have to accept it, try to protect yourself financially as best you can and stop complaining about it.

FWIW I agree with those who say he just doesn't want to marry you. If you are trying for a child or in discussions AND he's proposed before, if he was going to do he'd have done it by now.

TBH I'd leave him if I were you based on what you've written. It ain't happening.

[TwitterQueen1]

He doesn't want to marry you.
As ^, it would seem that he is already married.
You are very desperate and very needy and your desperation is pushing him away.
He doesn't want to become engaged to you - he knows exactly what buttons to push to find reasons why it's not going to happen.
You need to end the relationship and find someone else who does genuinely love you - he doesn't.

[sooperdooper]

You don't need to wait for a proposal (which would be utterly pointless anyway since you keep arguing with him about it)

Ask him outright, and personally if you're having fertility treatment with him I'd say that can't happen if you're not married

Then set a date and get on with it, it doesn't need to be some grand proposal

If, on the other hand he still drags his feet I'd be very seriously considering whether you want to have a child with him

[midnightmisssuki]

hmmm - i get where you are coming from, but i also would be little apprehensive if i was him. I mean - if you keep asking him and arguing about it - maybe he's just put off by the whole thing. And yes, i can see the whole 'proposing to you now' after all the arguments to be a little awkward. I would be inclined to actually ask him if he REALLY wanted to marry you - and prepare yourself in case he says something you don't want to hear. I suspect (sorry OP) that he doesn't want to marry you but doesn't know how to tell you... Good luck OP.

[RandomMess]

My DH didn’t want a wedding but wanted to be married, we had unplanned DC so no chance to resolve it first.

I think you do need to draw a line in the sand.

If he doesn’t marry you do you actually want to stay with him, have DC and accept you will never marry?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

What are your living arrangements? Does he own the house you live in?

[Sarah1087]

He's 100% not married lol she changed her name I believe to get out of debt she took him for everything as they'd lived together for 6yeats he hates she has his name and regrets agreeing he's laid back and said he just went along with it as she was nagging all the time.

He's said you are spoiling things cos you don't know what I have planned.
I've just said I'm not going through fertility treatment when we are like this, and he got upset saying I love you and want you for the rest of my life so again I said commit to me.

Will see, I'm throwing things away just for sake of being proposed to but he now knows I'm putting it on hold

[TwitterQueen1]

Listen to what he says OP. They were together 6 years and didn't get married. he just went along with it as she was nagging all the time You are nagging all the time.

He's said you are spoiling things cos you don't know what I have planned. He has nothing planned. It would have happened by now if it was going to.

[KingMortificadosMistress]

I'm throwing things away just for sake of being proposed to

What are you throwing away exactly? A relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry you? Not much of a loss exactly.

And "just for the sake of being proposed to" - marriage does matter as it still gives you and your children a greater legal security so it's not nothing. And it matter to you - so also not "just for the sake of". It's important to you and if he loved you, he'd marry you.

It really is that simple.

Why exactly would someone who wants to have children and a planned family not want to get married exactly? There isn't a good reason.

[category12]

Also, don't settle for 'being proposed to'. Marriage then ttc.

[LapinR0se]

I think people are talking a lot of sense to you here OP but you can’t seem to hear them, or maybe you don’t want to. I sadly agree with everyone saying that he just doesn’t want to get married.

[sooperdooper]

she changed her name I believe to get out of debt

That's nonsense, if you change your name your debts are still your debts, they don't get wiped out that easily, something's not right about what he's telling you there

[Carouselfish]

What difference does the surname of the baby make if he's going to be on the birth cert anyway?
Maybe he feels he rushed into the proposal thing with his earlier relationship and doesn't want to do that again. Maybe he does actually see having children with you as the bigger commitment. Maybe your constant demanding a proposal has put him off the idea completely and he wants to wait for when it feels natural.
I don't think it's definitely the way the majority of posters are saying it is, OP.
That said, if his delay is feelings based, rather than trying to avoid commitment, then you could suggest the registry paperwork now to cover yourself if you're worried about getting into a financial mess post baby and doing the wedding and big romantic gesture etc later.

[KingMortificadosMistress]

He's 100% not married lol she changed her name I believe to get out of debt

Agree with Sooperdooper. Come on OP! You know this. The debt attaches to you as a person not your name. Changing your name doesn't mean you don't owe the money any more.

If that is what he is telling you, I'm coming round to the view PPs have said above - are you sure he isn't married?

This would fit with why he won't marry you and gets irritable about it. It would mean admitting he has lied to you and he'd have to approach his ex to deal with the formalities of getting a divorce.

I'd be very suspicious if he told you that. It makes no sense. They have no children together but she changed her name by deed poll? and he'd proposed to her? All sounds very dodgy.