Am I wrong to feel so desperate for him to propose

[Sarah1087]

Hi girls

Here's the low down, we've been together just shy of three years, we are happy together, I know he loves me we are starting fertility treatment in next few days for me to conceive as I have endometriosis.

For last few months I've been really down maybe redundancy's in my job which I love, infertile, extreme mood swings PMS pmdd symptoms leading up to my period.
I keep arguing with him and asking why won't you do it, you love me so
Why wait, he's 37 I'm 30 we have no children from us or previous relationships. All I get is it will happen I want to spend rest of my life with you, which them words should be good enough but they're not. I've even said I feel you're not proposing until I have you're child. He was upset about this.
We both have good jobs so money isn't an issue, he said 6 months ago just give me a few months to plan something special, he threw me a surprise 30th birthday party which blew me away and I thought he was amazing, but I also thought he would propose that night and he didn't which again broke me in two.
I've even stooped so low to point I said I'd leave him, which is awful - and he says you're spoiling things for me to propose when all you do is argue every week about it with me. ( he's right ) but I can't stop, I've even gone low enough To search his Fb and find a post he'd put about proposing to his ex and how happy he was they'd been together less than a year ( this was 6 years ago ) and it has made me angry and I've felt insulted that after this long he hasn't with me, what was so special then that I haven't got. Don't get me wrong his past has nothing to do with me we've all loved someone else before and it's creepy of me to even look back at it all. What is wrong with me ? I hate what I'm doing, I'd hate to
Walk away and regret it. I honestly believe this all stems to me being so scared treatment Won't work and I just want to look forward to something positive that I'm desperate.
Another thing that winds me up, him and his ex didn't have children but she changed her name by deedpol to his and still hasn't changed it back, it's weird. And I think I don't want my baby having his name when his ex has got it and i haven't xx

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Sounds like he rushed into with his ex and doesn’t want to make the mistake.

Are you concerned that he doesn’t want to marry you in case you can’t have kids?

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I'm throwing things away just for sake of being proposed to but he now knows I'm putting it on hold

You have your eyes on the wrong prize. You aren’t holding out for a proposal, you are holding out for a commitment. He is giving you nothing. Just words. Empty promises. He is feeling you the biggest line. You are up the garden path. And that name change story is pure bullshit. Please stop being so naive!!

[WeeBeasties]

In your position, i would find a time when you're not arguing and in a nice mood, and i would sit him down and tell him that I want to be married before any potential baby comes along. Ask him to commit to a year and month to get married, and start discussing where it might happen.

Just get the ball rolling on the whole wedding thing. You don't need a ring for that.

If you can't have that conversation with him, you're not ready to get married or have his baby.

[Adviceplease360]

Definitely don't have a baby with him. If he can't commit to you, a baby wont change anything.

[category12]

Yeah, debt stays with you whether you change your name or not. Something funky going on.

[kittensinmydinner1]

Marriage is a very useful institution. It allows one partner to assess the commitment of the other.
If you don’t have the commitment for a piece of paper that shares your ‘worldly goods’ then you certainly don’t have the commitment to selflessly but another small human first for 18yrs. It’s a no brainier.

Even if you have your own trust fund and own your house outright - I wouldn’t have a child without the other party to conception demonstrating this level of commitment as a minimum.

A marriage costs £215 all in mid week.
A wedding usually costs thousands.
A marriage is all you need to get the level of legal protection that cannot be bettered by any other co-habbitee agreement . And that will cost considerably more for less benefits and protection than £215.

Stop TTC He DEFINITELY won’t get married if you have a baby.. in the crudest terms as my lovely granny was fond of saying... who wants to buy the Cow when the calf and milk have come for free ?

[Lanaorana2]

OP, he hasn't asked because he doesn't want to marry you. He's probably already married and, even if he did decide marriage was something he wanted in the future - to you or anyone else - he can't unless he divorces his wife.

Do you want to have children by him? I would decline the offer, personally, but it's up to you.

Chances are you will be a single mum - unmarried parents only stay together in 20 per cent of cases. If he won't commit to a wedding, he sure ain't interested in bringing up a child.

[Lanaorana2]

Sorry - I meant to say you're not at all wrong to want marriage. But you may not get it, or as soon as you need.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, all of this is smoke and mirrors. There is no bigger commitment than having a child and - it appears - he's quite happy to make one with you. However, the fact that he won't make a commitment to you doesn't bode well for any commitment to a child either. There are millions of women who thought they were 'the one', that their child would be wanted by their partner/husband even. They were wrong.

He's hearing you loud and clear and he's not going to give you what you are so desperate for.

Truly though, would you really be happy for a proposal that you would have all but wrenched from him rather than one that was freely given? I wouldn't.

I think you're setting yourself up for heartache and you don't want to 'waste' the years you've invested in him but partnerships are not like that. Have you spoken to any RL friends/family about this? Or would you not like what they say so are seeking advice on a forum with a carefully prepared 'script' so that you can protect your feelings?

[Mishappening]

Blimey - this all sounds a bit stressful! Maybe back off a bit on the subject - I can see he might be finding it a bit much - I am just reading the posts!

[Myheartbelongsto]

She didn't need his permission, she's over 18 so can pick any name she likes.

[Lovemenoooooww]

Some men can have a baby with a woman with no intention of staying with them for the rest of their lives.

Does he want a baby as much as you do?
Maybe he feels pressured because of the situation.

[Parker231]

Why can’t you propose to him? Perhaps he just doesn’t want to get married - if you go on about it, you could drive him away.

[Withhindsight]

Do some digging, meet the ex, some of her friends, joint friends, his family- someone will know if he's married already. Can you find out from the marriage register?
Is he in debt?
Tell him you won't have his child until he commits to you and the child by marrying you-( if he's not hiding something and you have not changed your mind)
Bur do you trust or want someone you are having to pin against a wall to get a ring from? Having a baby is hard work, your partner doesn't seem up to any of it

[Whatthefoxgoingon]

A marriage license is the best piece of paper money can buy. It costs so little and legally, emotionally and practically means so much. Weddings are just a party and count for nothing.

He’s stalling and stalling for a reason. He doesn’t want to commit to you. He doesn’t want to share his assets with you. You can’t nag or threaten him into it. Please read the signs. Even the most elaborate proposal in the world doesn’t take that long to plan.

[Voice0fReason]

He's playing games - making it your fault that he hasn't proposed.
Why does it always result in an argument when you discuss marriage?
Does he steer it that way?

If he wanted to marry you, he would have done.
He doesn't have any secret plans.

[RedForFilth]

Do some digging, meet the ex, some of her friends, joint friends, his family- someone will know if he's married already. I'm sorry but I would leave anyone who went behind my back and met my ex for any reason. I may have a skewed view due to my major ex's being abusive but I just think it's sneaky and underhand.

[Hermonie2016]

*she changed her name I believe to get out of debt she took him for everything as they'd lived together for 6 years"

None of this rings true, she couldn't take him for everything.Please listen to feedback here as something is definitely dodgy.

Children put enormous strain on a couple and it's too easy for a man to walk away.The downside for him if not married is he pays 10% of salary but keeps 90%.
For the woman she has lost earnings whilst on maternity leave and then usually contributes most of her salary in childcare, because she assumes it's for the joint benefit.
Too many women have been left a few years down the line and without marriage the impact is high.
He's 37, says he's never been married and won't commit to you.Honestly he's a high risk.
I wish I could explain how even the most devoted people switch off from their partners when lack of sleep and the routine of children kicks in.You are committing to a having a baby with a man who says he won't commit legally..Is this really the dream life you hoped for? I think you are settling but deserve better.

Listen to your gut instinct as I suspect you are trying to ignore it.

[SandyY2K]

He may well have something planned... I wouldn't say it's untrue.

I've spoken to guys who have wanted a bit more financial stability before getting married or have another reason.

He planned a really nice party for your 30th.... he doesn't sound like a bad guy. He seems like he prefers big grand gestures... that's who he is.

A big part of marrisge is accepting your partner for who they are.

The thing is you didn't present yourself as someone who wouldn't have a child outside marriage.... I still don't get the impression that's the sticking point either.

I really think you need to stop raising the issue. Don't propose .. don't set a date like some pp are saying. You already know what he's said on the issue.

It's perfectly reasonable to put the baby plans on hold .... but don't issue ultimatums on issues like a proposal... or years down the line it will be thrown in your face during an argument.

Never make yourself come across as desperate... which you are doing now.

[Only1scoop]

'so again I said commit to me.'

Bloody hell I'd find your self respect and give up on that line

[AtrociousCircumstance]

His ex changed her name by deed poll?!

Yeah, right. OP it is highly likely they were married and are still married.

This shit about not proposing to you when you’re arguing is bollocks. You’re arguing about how withholding and evasive he’s being about it. It’s a catch 22 for you, it is designed to render you powerless. He wants you to stop talking about it so he can just - do nothing, without recriminations.

I don’t think you can trust him.

Tell him, we are past the point where a big special lavish proposal is important. I cannot wait anymore because it hurts and worries me. We need to discuss marriage right now and if you won’t do that then that’s all I need to know.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I agree that creating a baby is the biggest commitment you can ever make. But you aren’t actually making the commitment to your partner. You’re making it to the child and you’re choosing who will be it’s other parent. Which is why it is so important to be sure that that person is committed to your child also, by them proving that they are committed to you, and committed to sticking around and providing what that child needs. Marriage is the commitment you need to see to prove that he actually know what commitment is, that he means what he says and that he is true to his word. Marriage is the step before babies for a very good reason. And this guy can’t even bring himself to say the words that show he wants to get married. OP, open your eyes. When someone tells you who they are, listen! He is telling you by his actions that he doesn’t want to marry you. His words are meaningless. Words are free. You can say what you like. Actions are the proof.

[overduemamma]

Hmmm something not quite right here! X

[Rainbowqueeen]

Atrocious circumstance gives excellent advice

Sorry

[oldlaundbooth]

Something's not right op....