I just want to run away

[IFellDownAHole]

I feel so fucking invisible. I have no friends. I don’t do anything. My dh doesn’t even think it’s necessary to say hello or goodbye to me. No comment on having a nice, clean house, that kids are tucked into bed asleep, that tea is ready waiting for him. I could cartwheel naked round the sitting room singing Sweet Caroline and he wouldn’t look up from his cunting phone. He’s just got back from working away for 3 days. He’s been home an hour and not uttered one word to me. He’s not cross with me or anything he just doesn’t consider me worth a hello.

I just want to put my little boys in the ca and go away. Back to a time when I had people to chat to. I spoke to ds’s teacher today and my voice came out too loud because I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.

I’m now in bed sobbing and drinking night nurse. I just want my mum back.

Ahhh I'm so sorry for you. That's so cold. Not even a hello. That's not normal. How long have things been like this for??

I'm so sorry sweetheart. I lost my mum a few years ago and sometimes I really struggle.

What would happen if you said "aren't you going to speak to me then?" - what would he say? Why don't you ask him why you're not worth speaking to after days away from his family? I couldn't let this sort of behaviour go unchallenged. I'm so sorry that you're in a situation where you feel you can't speak.

If I were you, I'd go downstairs right now and ask him what the fuck he's playing at treating you this way!

That is cold. Do you try and speak to him? Could you sit him down and explain how you feel?
Parenthood can be so lonely. Are there any school mums you could speak to? Or relatives you could see?
Hope things improve for you.

Make friends. Do stuff. Talk to people. Why not?

Go downstairs and ask him why he feels it’s acceptable to not acknowledge you, his wife. It’s not acceptable and you need to get angry about this and demand an answer.

'If I were you, I'd go downstairs right now and ask him what the fuck he's playing at treating you this way!'
that's what you should do....

If I ask him why he’s ignoring me, he just claims he’s not and asks me what I want to talk about. He’ll sit there patiently and listen but offer no opinion on anything I say or just agree with me if I specifically require an answer.

I do try and talk to people. I say hi to all the school mumsand try my best at small talk. Everyone is always very nice but I always feel they’re waiting for someone better to come along and all seem to look slightly relieved when someone else they recognise appears.

All my relatives live on the other side of the country. I’ve tried so fucking hard to make friends here. I’ve put myself out of my comfort zone trying different groups and clubs and everytime I’m just the stupid lemon stood at the edge of everything. I come on MN complain I’m lonely, get convinced that there are all these lovely people at clubs just dying to welcome me in. Then I go to Zumba, fencing, WI, dry stonewalling lesson (ffs!) and remember I’m just useless and am incapable of talking about anything apart from the weather and the state of the roads.

I would imagine getting out of that relationship would immediately boost your self esteem and make it easier to talk to other people.

Did you feel happier when he was away for three days?

I wouldn’t say I’m happier when he’s away. I don’t miss him though. I look forward to him coming home but then as soon as he’s here I feel like absolute shit. I just want him to be here and notice me, notice the dc’s and help, just a little bit. I want him to tell me something, anything about where he’s been, what he’s done, or ask me how dc’s are and what we’ve been up to.

was he like that at the beginning?
don't worry if you don't have friends, there are many people who don't have friends. it doesn't mean you are worthless.
maybe you need an exciting hobby.

you should tell him the things on your last post.

Get some friends - there are loads of lovely people in the world.

Evening class, voluntary work, PTA whatever

Find your troop

I know I should tell him. But then what if he tells me it’s because he doesn’t love me and wants to leave? Then I’d be even more on my own. He doesn’t take criticism at all, if I ever comment on his behaviour he tells me how lucky I am and that I need to stop sweating over the small stuff and stop nagging.

you have to do something, speak to him, etc. it is not healthy to live like that.

Set some time aside to talk things through. You're not happy. This isn't ok. You sound like your self esteem has taken a battering too. You sound lovely in your posts xx

He sounds emotionally unavailable. There's no warmth...

Oh bless you. Do you honestly think you'd be more lonely without him? I think it must be much more lonely to be with someone who acts like you're not there. Do you love him? Right now you're in a situation where you're not happy and don't have the opportunity to find someone who makes you happy.

WRT friends, i really struggle with this too. Can you find some online communities for people in your area, or join some for a hobby, medical condition that affects you etc? My closest friends now are people I've met in groups online - it helps get over that weird initial awkwardness. I can tell you 100% there are other people out there who struggle with this as much as you do. I don't have many friends - I have lots of people I know, but not well enough to call in a crisis or be totally honest with.

First things first, you need to tell him that he's hurting you. Maybe you've both fallen into this situation, and he thinks "well she's not speaking to me either" - men can be stupidly stubborn. It makes me so sad to think of you sat there so lonely while he's in the house.

Also, without wanting to sound like a nagging mum, are you taking night nurse just to sleep and are you taking it often? I'd be mainly worried about the paracetamol to be honest. That stuff can mess you up with longterm use. You can buy good sleeping tablets OTC and you can buy promethazine (the stuff in NN for sleeping) on its own - I've only ever bought it online but pharmacies may stock it (it's an antihistamine also used for sickness and nausea).

Big hugs to you

“I know I should tell him. But then what if he tells me it’s because he doesn’t love me and wants to leave? Then I’d be even more on my own”

Why would it be worse if you spilt up? It sounds as if he is emotionally abusive, it’s really not normal to walk into a house and not speak to your wife!

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

tammy no not taking night nurse long term and not over recommended dose either. I normally have cocodamol or nytol in the house to get me to sleep if I’m upset but i only had night nurse last night. Thanks for the concern though.

The problem is he’s not being horrible or abusive or anything so leaving seems like such a dramatic option and it would upset my dc’s.

It’s just the way he is. He’s always been like it. He just never starts a conversation, he doesn’t seem to think anything is worth saying. Even practical things he will only tell me if I ask. Before I was with dh I had a couple of really awful relationships. Dh was like a breath of fresh air - he didn’t argue with me, agreed with everything I said, listened to all my problems, laughed at all my jokes. It’s only now I look back that I realise he didn’t really give me anything back at all. Never told me anything about himself unless I really specifically asked and even then it was as little as possible. He’s never going to change and I just don’t think I can live with it any more. He makes me feel like I’m going mad.

Can you get the kids in the car and go back to your family for the weekend?
Just get away from him and the house and the area to give yourself a break and a sanity check!
This sounds like fucking torture to be honest.
No way could I live like that.

You don't have to you know!?
This is your life.
If you would happier moving back to relatives on your own then put plans in place to do just that!!

By the way - I've been in this area for 12 years now.
And I don't have 1 single person I could call and friend.
Lots of people I know and I could have a laugh with if I met them when out and about but not one single proper friend.
I do have other friends but not close by.
I shall be moving back to family when I can - about 3 years time.
Can't wait.
These are just not 'my people'
I'm from a very multi-cultural town and lived on the outskirts of London.
Moved to a small village. Loved it, but just not the right fit for me now my DD is grown up.
Do what is going to make YOU happy!

I’d seriously talk to your family and arrange to move back. He sounds like a complete knob head and you sound like you need support.

Leaving a relationship because you are deeply unhappy and know things will never change, isn't overly dramatic. It is completely sensible and normal. Really very normal.