I just want to run away

[IFellDownAHole]

I feel so fucking invisible. I have no friends. I don’t do anything. My dh doesn’t even think it’s necessary to say hello or goodbye to me. No comment on having a nice, clean house, that kids are tucked into bed asleep, that tea is ready waiting for him. I could cartwheel naked round the sitting room singing Sweet Caroline and he wouldn’t look up from his cunting phone. He’s just got back from working away for 3 days. He’s been home an hour and not uttered one word to me. He’s not cross with me or anything he just doesn’t consider me worth a hello.

I just want to put my little boys in the ca and go away. Back to a time when I had people to chat to. I spoke to ds’s teacher today and my voice came out too loud because I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.

I’m now in bed sobbing and drinking night nurse. I just want my mum back.

OP, completely agree. I’m not raising ASD as a way of trying to excuse his behaviour towards you

@IFellDownAHole so what do you want to do? Is it over and you want to split?

I don’t know random. It would devastate both him and dc’s if we split. Leaving just seems very dramatic when I knew what he was like when I married him. I just feel like my life is slipping away and I’m just a piece of the furniture.

I dream about moving back to my home town. With the equity we have in our current house we could buy a little terrace house outright and dh could buy a little flat near his work and commute to see us at weekends. Then I’d have my family around me, dc’s would have their cousins and the benefit of a happy mum. At weekends I could put up with dh if I had other people to talk to during the week.

It’s hard to explain because dh is on paper (and in his head too I think) the perfect husband - he works hard and earns lots of money, gives me and dc anything we want, if I asked him tomorrow for a thousand pounds he’d give it to me and not ask what it’s for, he’s good looking, he’s even good in bed ffs. But it’s just so bloody lonely and I just don’t know how to get past it.

Well I would insist you move back then, either with or without him.

it would devastate him and the dcs

yeah, but the kids would quickly get used to the new Normal. It’s possible he wouldn’t fucking notice anyway.

Meanwhile you are dying an agonising death by a thousand cuts.**

Ditch.**

Do you know if he's different at work? Have you seen him interacting with his workmates? Because if he can communicate with them, then he has problems talking to you specifically. If he can't, then he's got problems generally.

Have you ever tried sabotaging his phone?

He gets on with his workmates. He’s pretty successful so he must be able to communicate successfully in someways. Some of his workmates came to our wedding but they only seemed to talk about work. It’s a very geeky area of work and they’re all the same.

He drives me mad with his parents though. His dm recently had a fairly major operation. He phones her up afterwards asks her if she’s ok, she says yes, end of conversation. His poor bloody mum. She doesn’t seem to mind though and his whole family seem to be content to only discuss the weather and the state of the roads. I find it so difficult when I was so close to my mum (she has advanced dementia now and is completely non-verbal and doesn’t recognise me) to watch them all happily sitting there in silence watching the news.

I’m not sure what you mean by sabotaging his phone zaphod. I’ve never gone through it, it’s got a lock on it. I’m sure he’d let me if I asked but I don’t think he’s cheating or anything like that. I’d actually be relieved if he was cheating, then I’d have a reason to leave without all this guilt.

Is he any better when you are in holiday? Does he have friends he speaks to? If he's ASD he might need down time which means he functions at work but not at home.

It is so lonely for you.Even if you make friends locally I doubt it replaces the need you have to communicate with a partner.

Gottman refers to successful marriages where partners make regular "bids for connection".It is often the small interactions that sustain a partnership as it shows you are interested in your partner.

Lack of connection leads to lack of love.I guess he feels he shows his love through earning for the family.Have you seen the "still face" experiment on YouTube? Counsellors often show this to explain the distress humans feel when they are ignored or stonewalled.Its why you can feel so low and sad.

How would he react if you responded to him in a similar way?

This sounds like some form of torture, op.

The things that jump out at me are him saying your lucky, and you having to pack all the stuff for the day trip because he wouldn’t remember. It’s coming across as one of these men who get married because they want a housekeeper more than anything. With benefits.

Does interact with the dc, or do any parenting stuff?

I’ve read so many posts recently on here with people with marital problems describing their perfect Dh as working hard and being generous with money but if they’ve not generous emotionally, that doesn’t count for much in my book.

*Does he interact with dc I meant

Not any better on holiday. Pre kids we always did very active, trekking type holidays in groups so I never really noticed the silence. Now it’s a lot more noticeable as we have more ‘relaxing’ type holidays due to dc’s.

He does have friends from uni but, again, they’re just very interested in the field of work he does so they talk about that. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about it so it’s not a conversation I can join in with.

I have tried doing it back to him but he just doesn’t notice. In fact I think he likes the quiet more than when I do actually speak.

The stupid thing is I remember when we first met about 15 years ago. I was with an absolute bastard at the time who I loved to pieces. Dh was very seeet and it was painfully obvious he fancied me. I was having a cry to my dsis having found out bastard boyfriend had cheated on me again. Dsis said I should dump boyfriend, go out with now dh instead and he’d love me and look after me for the rest of my life. I remember saying to dsis the rest of my life wouldn’t be long as I’d die of boredom listening to him talk about interest rates within a week. I just wish I’d listened to myself then, I knew this would happen! It has taken 10 years though so not the quick death I had foreseen.

tobee I do wonder if he sees me as a sort of housekeeper. I think when he met me for some reason I fitted with his idea of a wife. I sometimes feel like everything he does, he does because it’s what you’re supposed to do. Meet a woman, marry woman, buy a house, have dc’s. He does interact with dc’s, but he doesn’t talk properly to them. It’s almost like he imitates dads he’s seen in the park or on tv and does that. There’s no real connection. If I was replaced with another generic woman I think he’d be just as happy.

Your H is a cunt and you definitely are not. Please get some support for yourself and LTB.

Op this makes me feel so sad.

Sounds a lot like my Ex. I had a minor day case surgery and six weeks of physio and he never once asked me about it. one time I went dashing out of the house saying my sister had been in a car crash, 5 years later I'm still waiting for him to enquire about her (deliberately didn't say anything to see how long it would take).

It made me feel shit and impacted friendships. Even now a few years later, I get a bit wierd if someone asks me questions about myself or remembers something I had previously told them.

No advice, but lots of sympathy. I know how crappy it feels when your own husband isn't interested in you.

The petrol conversation is very similar to what my adult dd with asd would say. You didn't ask him if he had petrol in so why would he tell you?
In fact of your posts comes across like you are describing someone with asd, not someone who is selfish.

"It’s almost like he imitates dads he’s seen in the park or on tv and does that"
That's what my dc with asd do, they copy what doesn't come naturally.

But it’s not her dc she’s dealing with, it’s her Dh. It’s very hard (to say the least) for op living with this. If he won’t even admit that he’s different to most people, especially if he comes from a family that have always had this dynamic, he’s not going to be able to make changes. So the op would have to put up with this forever. Asd or not.

Btw my dd is being assessed for asd.

Yes I know it's her dh , isn't marriage in sickness and health? If op dh does have asd ( obviously I have no idea if he does) , then asd is a disability. It is not him being selfish and uncaring.

That petrol conversation you relayed reminded me of my ex - he did things like that, I think he thought it was amusing (it was to him). But after a while it wears very thin and you just want to smack him one.

In the end, I actually decided it was part of other aspects of his behaviour that were controlling, it's keeping you constantly on the edge. And the inability to act like a team was so annoying.

Other behaviours included not telling me things and then claiming he had; writing things on the calendar/not writing things on the calendar then swearing he had/had not etc while I was standing in front of it reading it; bringing me the opposite of things I asked for (do you want tea? yes please, peppermint, brings normal tea, ask why, says he thought I would prefer it - ditto peanut butter on toast (which I hate), bringing wine when I have said I don't want any.....); not telling me times he was doing things/going to be away/dates of his work trips (often saying when I asked that the travel dept at work had not yet booked flights, when of course they must have) and getting the dates 'wrong'; agreeing things with his ex re DSS and not telling me about them; complaining I didn't want to do things then when I suggested things to do manipulating me into doing the opposite (e.g. he complained I never did any exercise, which I don't, when I suggested we play badminton which I quite like he said he would only play squash and made me do that, which I don't like); when he took me on his motorbike after lots of whining that he wanted me to go on it (why?) and I asked him not to go very fast, he went 120mph.....

So, put that all together with that sort of dismissive response to a normal comment about the petrol and I eventually worked out that he was a prick. And left him.

^
OutToGetYou

'You just want to smack him one' - LOL at that.

My brother in recent months developed similar behaviour. Zero conversation and one word grunt reply if I ask him anything.

I got fed up of things with him around about July and I started behaving in the same way towards him - not saying hello/goodbye/good morning/good night to him - not lifting y head if he came into the room and walking out from the room if he came in.

It didn't take him long to learn that something was off, then he started trying and talking. I reckon he didn't like the silence or it was a control thing with him. So I saw him making an effort and talking and then I thought lovely, ok he's trying and then I began talking to him. Like how was your day? Night out? Or whatever. Just making conversation. It didn't take him long to go back to square one of not talking.

In recent times, my mother gave out to him and he came into the kitchen and boiled the kettle for tea and put in a meal in the microwave. He stood in the middle of the kitchen and not a fucking word from him. All it was was intimation after the row.

I have asked dh about whether he thinks he has asd or not and he shrugged and said he might have. But, my main point is he knows ignoring me, not even attempting conversation with me is hugely upsetting to me.

If he does in fact have asd, he can mask it enough to act like an interactive father and employee. I understand he would need ‘down time’ so he’s not masking the whole time, but I’m just asking for a ‘hello’ when he comes in, or a couple of questions about my day. I’m generally a fairly quiet person, certainly not a chatterbox. I just need some kind in interaction and interest in my life.

Have you seen the Chris Packham documentary on IPlayer? Might ring some bells with you.

My DS is ASD and I wouldn't advocate sacrificing your own sanity to stay in a relationship with anyone. Your kids need you sane and you have a right to happiness. If he is ASD he won't be changing his ways because that's just who he is.

He earns a good wage, you say. Can you as a couple afford child care so you can work and rebuild a life just for you?

But it’s easy to say in sickness and health, but what do you do if you live with someone who doesn’t seem willing to change? Just because you may or may not have asd doesn’t mean you can’t get appropriate treatment and therapy. Especially if you’re effecting someone else’s mental health. I’m always saying to my dd that I wish the world was more tolerant of her asd behaviours but she disagrees, and says it’s up to her to take responsibility for her behaviours.