I just want to run away

[IFellDownAHole]

I feel so fucking invisible. I have no friends. I don’t do anything. My dh doesn’t even think it’s necessary to say hello or goodbye to me. No comment on having a nice, clean house, that kids are tucked into bed asleep, that tea is ready waiting for him. I could cartwheel naked round the sitting room singing Sweet Caroline and he wouldn’t look up from his cunting phone. He’s just got back from working away for 3 days. He’s been home an hour and not uttered one word to me. He’s not cross with me or anything he just doesn’t consider me worth a hello.

I just want to put my little boys in the ca and go away. Back to a time when I had people to chat to. I spoke to ds’s teacher today and my voice came out too loud because I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.

I’m now in bed sobbing and drinking night nurse. I just want my mum back.

There is no treatment for asd , it's not an illness.

IFell I hear you. H is the same. I could have written all of your posts with an added PA attitude when things don’t go his way.
And I have long through that H is somewhere in the spectrum. Or at least has some autistic traits.

I don’t really have any answers I’m afraid. I do know what is NOT working. And that’s saying that poor him is in the spectrum and it’s up to me to bend over backwards for him because he as some SN and I’m NT.
Your needs are just as important as his. And your needs include social interaction and intimacy (as in emotional intimacy). And he is not filling those needs as you would expect from an intimate relationhsip.

Another comment from me is that, yes if you had more social interactions, you would probably be more able to (and not as reliant on) cope with your DH attitude. But it actually wouldn’t change the fact that he is not truly there in the relationship. And it wouldn’t make the relationship right.

Ive a,so found that it is essential for me to look after myself.
Ive actually found a way to be able to go away a few times in the year to do something I really enjoy. I’m going in my own, H has to look after the dcs and it’s my breath of fresh air.
I found my (online) trine and it’s again giv8ng me an impetus, a little light at the end of the tunnel.

But I have to say, I’m coming to the realisation that this is not something that can carry on because I’m just slowly dying inside. (Because if the lack of opportunities due to where we live, lack of friends and social interactions, lack if intimacy, lack of common purpose etc etc) As years go by, there I still less and less left in who I am. Ive realised not long ago that bar that one activity I really enjoy and keep alive, I can’t name anything else I like. My life has shrunk to next to nothing.
I’m currently seeing a counsellor and slowly getting some clarity on what I can and can’t cope with. What is a normal effort to do in a relationship and when things aren’t acceptable.

I don’t mean treatment like that. Not In terms of a cure. Its known to respond to therapy in terms of cbt and counselling. And seeing where to understand the world of neurotypicals , and where that’s not appropriate.

Anyway, I don’t want to hijack the thread.

Yes I know it's her dh , isn't marriage in sickness and health? If op dh does have asd ( obviously I have no idea if he does) , then asd is a disability. It is not him being selfish and uncaring.

Yes marriage is in sickness and in health. This is what is keeping me in my marriage atm and what has kept me in the last 10 years at least.

However, does it mean that you should ignore all your needs and put yourself right at the bottom of the pile all the time because this is what you signed for and it’s not him being selfish and uncaring (that would allow you to say that’s enough)?
It might not be selfish or uncaring but the behaviour is still VERY hurtful and soul destroying.

Why on earth should you accept that???
Is the OP (or anyone married to someone with a health problem/SN) not worth anything at all that she has out put up with becoming invisible to her own partner?
Is It not ok to separate for another reason than a partner being a twat? Just because it just doesn’t fulfil your own needs for example?

The more it goes, the more this comment ‘in health and in illness’ feels like it’s a way to keep women at their place and force them to accept things they should never accept.

to ee you’re not wrong.
But first that person needs to acceotbthatbtheir way to act isn’t hurtful for others around an that THEY are the issue.
That’s usually what is the biggest hurdle. Because often people with undiagnosed ASD do not see their behaviour as the issue. Only others who don’t do xx and yy.

I did watch that Chris Packham documentary as dc1 has asd along with some physical disabilities. It was only once dc1 was diagnosed that I really researched asd and saw just how much it described dh. Due to dc1’s SN I cant really justify looking for employment right now - he is currently coping with mainstream school but definitely couldn’t cope with breakfast and after school club on top of that.

I’m going to attempt a conversation with dh tonight once dc’s are asleep. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m losing my temper with dc’s all the time and it’s because I’m angry at dh, not them. It’s not fair on them or me.

This is really, really tough. If DC has ASD it is highly likely dh has it. If that is the case, it would explain the lack of social skills, difficulty inferring (you didn't ask outright did he put in petrol etc)

Really hope you sort things op

I think moving to near your family or at least away from your rural setting will help hugely! You need some hobbies and either H commits to supporting those or pays for childcare accordingly.

Short term you need to drastically improve your day to day life, whether you can stay married may be a longer term decision?

I’ve spoken to dh. It turns out he’s really unhappy too. He commutes for nearly 4 hours a day and he’s just feeling burnt out. He thought I was really happy living here so didn’t want to tell me how much he was struggling. Apparently when he gets home he is using every ounce of his energy to stop himself breaking down in tears and just can’t face idle chit chat. Tonight is the first time I’ve ever seen him cry and he just looked totally broken .

I’m going to go with him to gp on Monday as he is completely incapable of talking about his feelings. I think tonight is the first time he’s been truly honest with me in a long time.

We’re going to put the house on the market and rent somewhere in my hometown. Dh is going to stay in hotels Mon-Thurs and hopefully be allowed to work from home Friday. His work is 200 miles from my hometown but train links are pretty good and it’s only 3 hours each way. Then if that all works out he’ll hopefully try and find a job nearer to my hometown.

I feel awful that I didn’t pick up how he was feeling. But I also feel really positive that this is a turning point and we can start over and be happy again.

It is good that you have talked, even better you both agree on an action plan.

Please do not take the blame for not knowing how he felt, neither of you have told each other! You are no more psychic than he is.

All the best

Thank you. I feel better today than I have in absolutely ages. I even went to the gym. I keep pinching myself I’m so happy - I just keep thinking that dc is gong to go to the lovely little school I went to (hopefully, going to call up tomorrow to see if they have spaces), I can see my dsis and my beautiful nephew all the time, I can visit my dear old mum in the nursing home everyday, I can take dc’s to the beach after school.

I’m so fucking happy.

That's so lovely.

So pleased for you

Oh that's great to hear IFell. Hope everything works out

That is fantastic! Good luck.

So so delighted for you op. You deserve it
How lovely of you to be around people who love you. I would love to live near a beach.

Hope all goes well with the house sale and move. I don't see my dh Mon to Thurs and it is totally fine. Xx

Really happy to hear your update op. Well done you for having the difficult conversation!

What a fantastic update OP.
I'm so glad he opened up to you and is agreeing to see the GP.
And moving home will really help you and the DC.
A support network is so important.
Well done on talking to him about it all.

Lovely,lovely update. So glad you have a way forward.
Also refreshing to hear of a problem being raised and your dh wanting to work with you to fix it.