I don't like what's happening at home with my brother free riding

[SMJYellow]

My income is incredibly low and I wouldn't be able to afford a rent on it. I live at home and I am so so grateful to my mother however I'm sick to my back teeth of something that is happening at home.

I help at home especially towards bills and that is the only right thing to do.

I have a brother also living at home. He was unemployed for a while but he's in full time unemployment for the best part of 18 months now. He's well and truly on his feet now. The thing is, he's not required to help in any way towards bills.

The household bills come in and they are split down the middle between me and my mother. I think, by right the bills should be split three ways and he pays his share but this isn't happening.

I've tried talking so many times to my mam and requesting that he pays his share but it's like talking to a brick wall. She likes to claim he doesn't have the money, and that he has his car to run and maintain. This quiet honestly is pure nonsense and just sexist pitying. There's opportunity in his work place for overtime and he's takes this regularly when ever it's going so that would boost up his income.

He has the money for going away on foreign breaks with his girlfriend, he had the money for a new suit a few months ago and money for a few days at the horse racing festival.

My life in comparison is much different. I shop in second hand clothes shops, there's no foreign breaks away and I have to budget every week. If I can't afford to go out, I don't go out.

I'm doing a rough budget for the next few more weeks and included are bills like the electricity, gas and pet bills (the elderly dog requires monthly pain medicine for arthritis).

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to cope and cover all this, my finances are that bad.

The electricity is going to be about 140 euro, the gas will be 100 euro and pet medication is 70 euro but the pet food is on me.

The pet dog is the familys dogs, but not once did my brother chip in to help.

All this is adding up and fills me with fear and dread. I'm dreading Christmas too. I usually like Christmas but I don't know how I'm going manage Christmas. I keep Christmas low key and I don't get involved in Christmas parties and festivities so that's something off my back. I'm looking ahead and working on a rough budget and going by my estimates I'm going to be struggling especially when it comes to the Christmas food shop.

If my brother was to pay his way, it would ease the load somewhat.

When are you going to stop making excuses for them both and actually DO something constructive to help yourself?

Both you and your mum 'put up' with his behaviour because you've been conditioned to accept it.
Both of you are too scared to speak up and stand up to him because you fear the consequences - your mum because she fears she'll 'lose' him like she did her husband, and you because you fear you'll be thrown out.

So both of you are enabling him because you both fear being on your own/independence.

Fleeing to your room and crying isn't going to solve this.
Standing up for yourself will.

So.......what are you going to do?

You're saying that your mum is a good woman. It sounds like this is true, but everyone has good parts and bad parts.

You have been working hard since 14 to contribute to the family home and your brother does nothing. I suppose your mum's bad part is that she can't appreciate all your help and continues to let your brother do nothing. If it was me, I would feel that this was too unfair. I know that she has brought you up, but I would feel under-appreciated in the current situation and angry at both your mum and your brother.

You need to get angry with them both and sort yourself out for once. And, you need to stop thinking about why your brother and mum are behaving this way. It's not for you to fix, just get out and live your life because nobody else is doing anything at the moment to help you.

A very wise post from HeebieJeebies. I'd listen to it.

Open up a Credit Union account and start saving your money. Decide what is a fair amount you should be paying and hand that over and tell your family you can't pay anymore as you are saving to move out. Put an ad up in local shops that you are looking to rent a room. You really should look into retraining or going back to college. Another good one is babysitting (the going rate is €10 an hour and it's impossible to find mature babysitters).

You really need to change something, you can't make your mother change or your brother change their behaviour but you can do something.

The credit union is brilliant for loans once you have a regular savings built up. Please do something asap!

His moods are all about the negative space he’s in mentally. They are nothing to do with you

What exactly is the pay off for you to continue sleep walking in this dysfunctional set up? There must be one or you wouldn’t do it.

Is it the dutiful daughter role or the martyr?

Gosh some of the comments are quite harsh. There is a shocking accommodation problem in Ireland. If you do find somewhere to rent there's always the fear that something will happen that you will land on your arse without a roof over your head.

I don't understand why you & your DM can't sit your DB down and explain the financial situation to him - namely that he's a working adult so should be contributing towards the household bills. What's the worst that could happen? He storms out and moves in with his gf? Result!

move to England. more job opportunities, Get a decent paid job. Share a flat. Start LIVING YOUR LIFE

Clearly there are reasons half the children have emigrated.
They're never going to change their dynamic.
It's toxic, you need to get as far away as possible

Your mother doesn't want help.

Even with homelessness in Ireland a thirty something single woman is the sort of lodger who can get a room to rent.
You can get HAP ( housing assistance) to help pay for this.
Have you applied for HAP and have you tried to find a room to rent?

While you are organising this cancel any service where the bill is in your name.

Your mother can deal with her own bills and finances then, she can open a basic bank account. Any adult can.

I'll be making plans for after Christmas.

Please do make plans. Knowing you've got some options will give you more confidence.
There's some good advice on here from previous posters, that might help towards your plans.

Call her bluff as presumably your mum can't afford you to move out. Shed never find another lodger to pay rent of half of the costs on a 3 bed home. Tell her now that you'll be going in the new year unless things are made fair . But also you need to grow up a little yourself and start taking responsibility and having the balls to say no to your mam.

Your mum is obviously terrified of her remaining son leaving her, as two others have emigrated. Wonder why she's obviously not bothered about alienating you and pushing you away?

Now's the time to really bite the bullet OP. I agree you need to tell your mum you're looking at lining up a house share as you can't and won't live with your brother anymore.

Good luck.

@SMJYellow - could you tell your mum that, cause of the financial burden this is putting on you, you will have to move out, if she doesn’t get your freeloading brother to pay his share?

Maybe if she sees she might end up having to pay 100% of the bills, this might give her the impetus to get things sorted.

Fwiw, I have three sons, aged 20, 22 and 24, and I would think I had failed as a parent if any of them behaved as your brother is behaving. One day, he will have to manage on his own, and she is setting him up to fail at that.

Forget about your brother, he is irrelevant. Your brother is an adult. How much he pays for room and lodgings is up to him and his landlady, your mother, and really not your concern.
Likewise, you are an adult. You have agreed to pay an amount of money for room and lodgings. If you are not happy with how much you pay, then that is your issue.

There has been a lot of advice on this thread and it all distills down to the same thing: it is your money and your life. Take control of the situation.

My brothers mood picked up this evening. We'll see how long it will last. I suspect it will be short lived through. He talked to mam this evening and he was friendly with the pets and talked to the cat for the first time in ages. He told mam he will take her shopping on Saturday. Thank the lord f*cking Jesus. At least it will be one load of my back and one less strain on my finances.

Disquieted1,

I never agreed to pay for room and lodgings. My mother is not a landlord. I agreed with mam to pay my way and help with bills.

For a long time I was happy to help mam with not adding my brother onto the bills. He was unemployed and after getting work, he did have a debt to pay off. Genuinely, I don't think he had much money.

Things have changed though. He's in employment for about 18 months now. The debt was small and should be paid off by now. I saw that he was well able to afford so much like breaks away abroad, a new suit and days out at the races, the list goes on.

His mood change d earlier in the year too and it brought terrible tension and he was completely disrespectful and ungrateful and it was time for him to start paying his way towards bills.

Someone here suggested could I go snooping and have a look at my brother's bank statements.

Well, I didn't snoop per say. There is a basket in the kitchen for mail. I had a look in there and there is a load of mail in there for my brother. I found something that looked like a bank statement. It was unopened and I opened it and had a look.

It was a statement from October 2016. I saw that my brothers weekly wage is 346 but there were times when he was getting more like I saw figures of 460, 480, 560 even one sum around 680 euro. I suppose depending on overtime.

His account was in balance for the most part. Then in the September time he went into overdraft. There was one overdraft sum in one transaction nearing 700 euro. I don't know what the bank account would be like now though and whether he brought his account bank into balance.

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There will be a bill coming up for the dog medicine and then there will be an electricity bill due in soon. I'm taking a rough estimate of 160 euro for the electricity and I'm just not able to go halves on this.

My brother has my mother wrapped around his little finger. He liked to dish out the poor mouth to our mother. I tried talking to our mother but she's adamant that he doesn't have the money after paying car costs and bills.

I think it's nonsense. Even i he was to help with one bill a month or chip in whatever he can afford whether it's 20/30/40 euro a month.

He'll have it for his social life and for treating the girlfriend too.

I wish I had the guts to pay only one third of the upcoming electricity bill but I know it's going to cause war. My mother will more than likely have to pick up my brothers share and then it will cause war in the house and she will have my neck on the chopping block. Not my brothers, just mine.

Warn your mother, ahead of time, that you won't have the money to pay half the electricity bill, when it comes.
As already suggested, tell her you'll have to move out if you're expected to pay half of everything.

Could you stay in a hostel? That might work out cheaper than what you're paying now.

The real problem here is the manipulative dysfunctional relationship you have with your mother. Waiting around for either her or your brother to be different hasn’t worked for you but you still insist on repeating the behaviour. This pattern is being repeated over and over again with slight variation, cue waiting to offload onto your other brother whilst acknowledging that this probably won’t change things.

Your mother is a manipulative bully who banks on your inability to stand up for yourself, to enable her to enable her feckless son.

Good luck and I hope you start to understand your contribution to this dysfunctional family dynamic.

So basically you posted your problem on 2nd November, everyone said no this is not ok and had suggestions on a course of action. Today 17th November and you've pretty much posted the same thing again.

Sooooo - what now?