I don't like what's happening at home with my brother free riding

[SMJYellow]

My income is incredibly low and I wouldn't be able to afford a rent on it. I live at home and I am so so grateful to my mother however I'm sick to my back teeth of something that is happening at home.

I help at home especially towards bills and that is the only right thing to do.

I have a brother also living at home. He was unemployed for a while but he's in full time unemployment for the best part of 18 months now. He's well and truly on his feet now. The thing is, he's not required to help in any way towards bills.

The household bills come in and they are split down the middle between me and my mother. I think, by right the bills should be split three ways and he pays his share but this isn't happening.

I've tried talking so many times to my mam and requesting that he pays his share but it's like talking to a brick wall. She likes to claim he doesn't have the money, and that he has his car to run and maintain. This quiet honestly is pure nonsense and just sexist pitying. There's opportunity in his work place for overtime and he's takes this regularly when ever it's going so that would boost up his income.

He has the money for going away on foreign breaks with his girlfriend, he had the money for a new suit a few months ago and money for a few days at the horse racing festival.

My life in comparison is much different. I shop in second hand clothes shops, there's no foreign breaks away and I have to budget every week. If I can't afford to go out, I don't go out.

I'm doing a rough budget for the next few more weeks and included are bills like the electricity, gas and pet bills (the elderly dog requires monthly pain medicine for arthritis).

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to cope and cover all this, my finances are that bad.

The electricity is going to be about 140 euro, the gas will be 100 euro and pet medication is 70 euro but the pet food is on me.

The pet dog is the familys dogs, but not once did my brother chip in to help.

All this is adding up and fills me with fear and dread. I'm dreading Christmas too. I usually like Christmas but I don't know how I'm going manage Christmas. I keep Christmas low key and I don't get involved in Christmas parties and festivities so that's something off my back. I'm looking ahead and working on a rough budget and going by my estimates I'm going to be struggling especially when it comes to the Christmas food shop.

If my brother was to pay his way, it would ease the load somewhat.

OP, have a look on Gumtree for a room to rent. And, if you do move out, don't subsidise your mother to keep your brother any more.

Op I really feel for you here, I'm Irish and understand the ridiculous mum - son dynamic that's going on here, it's all too common! I also understand that moving out is not an option as the housing and rent situation here is in crisis at the moment ( and the council can't / won't necessarily house someone who leaves home or is asked to leave). You need to talk to your mum, show her how much you earn, what is currently going to bills, try and talk her round and then the two of you together talk to your brother. I can't see any other way to get him to pay his share. Your mum sounds just as stressed as you about this and you can't keep taking it on. Good luck, I really hope you get this sorted.

Sounds like your mother is struggling too if she can’t afford 90. Seems like she wants him
Close and willing to put up with it. If you do move out what will she do then??
You could say I took your suggestions about the car so I’m saving 200 month. So now only have x for bills you need to pay the rest.
Can you not rent a room
Locally? You still not be any
Better off but least it will seem
Less u just. End of day it’s your mums call he’s an adult why should he not pay for anything, what an ass. Different if you could afford it but you can’t. Sounds a leech

*I ask because it sounds like stereotypical Irish-mammy behaviour with your brother. (I’m Irish btw).

Any chance at all for you to move to a house share?*

Yes, I knew even before the OP mentioned the bills in Euros that she was Irish. I bet the brother does nothing around the house either, no housework or cooking.

I am Irish too.

only you can change this shitty situation, DO IT and good luck

Sounds more like an abusive man then a coddling mother-son dynamic from OP's updates.

Your brother is an intimidating bully, to you both.

Would it be possible to have a meeting with your mother where you explain that either he pays his way or you leave and find a room, as you'd be better off paying a quarter/fifth of bills for a house rather than half. And that from now on, this bill included, you can't afford more than a third.

Your nasty prick of a brother isn't some coddled man child. He knows exactly what he's doing and your mother sounds as slightly scared of him as you are.

He used to help before with some jobs like taking our mother shopping and doing the grass but not any more. He has completely withdrawn and he does nothing. My mother seems to like it that way. I think it's completely disrespectful.

So anyways, my brother doesn't help with taking our mother shopping anymore and this is a situation that has come about since June. This is something else that is falling on my back. I don't have a car. I etc by, by going on a bus and going into town into Aldi or Lidl.

My mother wants me to go shopping with online groceries. I do that sometimes but I can't do that every week and the last time I did it was back in August. I told her I can't afford to shop like that anymore. She's still on my back. My mam doesn't have a bank account or bank card so it's another drain on my finances.

What a ridiculous situation. Does your mother work? You need to stop subsidising your brother

He woke on a Sunday evening a few weeks ago and he was looking for food. There was little in the fridge and he started slamming the fridge and freezer doors with the shock and horror of finding little in the fridge.

I'd have him out from the house if I could. He needs a dose of reality really if you ask me.

If you order food online you have to pay for it all? That's ridiculous.

As already said, get a normal houseshare with normal people who pay their way.

OMG OP I am soooo angry on your behalf. What a disrespectful piece of work your brother is. In what world does he think other people should pay his bills and feed him? Your mother needs to give him an ultimatum, pay up or move out.

Well, when I order online it comes out from my account so, first of all I need to make sure I have the money in my account for a shop. Mam usually does take the recipient and pay her share. She doesn't pay me straight away and I could be waiting for a few days. So the situation isn't ideal. I can find a tesco shop can take the guts of over 50% of my weekly income and that's before any bills. I much prefer going into Aldi or Lidl and spend about 30 or 35 euro or there abouts on a weekly shop.

Openthepickles,

I agree with you. The man needs a massive dose of reality in my opinion. He needs to go and find somewhere to rent and see how he gets on. See if he can tell a landlord he can't pay rent or bills because he has car insurance to pay and had to treat the girlfriend and see how he gets on with that one.

He needs to start showing respect and pay his way.

Another poster called it as it is, I'm afraid. Mother wants her son close to her no matter what.

See if you can find a room to rent. Someone looking for a lodger will probably not charge more than your mum is and then at least you can control things. I have rented rooms from people before and it has been really good.

You need to get out of that house. There is a really unhealthy dynamic between your mum and brother a and as long as you are there to prop it up, things will never change.

OMG op... This is the most ridiculous situation. Your brother is basically living rent free earing food he hasn't paid for and not even contributing by helping with chores.
I don't know what you pay roughly each month in bills food etc but I'd work it out if I was you and then look for room in house share. Or have you thought of live in job... Live in carers in UK earn up to 400 poundsa week with all accommodation and food provided. Our last au pair went to do this. I'd be getting out ASAP.

So what will change OP? Are you saying you can only go on enabling this, as your mum does?

Op you may not be able to afford to rent a whole place to yourself but you could rent a spare room in someone's house. Please do this!

Another one telling you to look for a room. She is relying on you to enable her to subsidise him. Its rea!ly unhealthy and you would be much less stressed in a shared house with just your own bills to pay.

Or maybe give your mother an ultimatum. If he doesn't start paying, you'll leave. She will then have to pay for everything on her own.

OP, you know this - it’s not totally uncommon for mothers to treat their sons better than their daughters in Irish culture. I never knew why but I don’t have brothers so didn’t think about it much. I’ve seen it in friends families though and with relations. Women are there to look after the boys/men. Your mom won’t change and she’s enabling his behaviour. Put your foot down, pay a third and save every penny you can to get yourself out of there.

Thank you for the replies.

I spoke to my mother and she is adamant that my brother doesn't have the money to help or chip in on bills.

To be honest, I don't know what to think of it all.

I suppose I don't know what his financial situation is truly like. Something isn't sitting well with me though. He would probably get about 340 euro after tax for a normal week but he does do overtime a lot. Honestly, there were weeks where he was leaving in the morning and not coming back again til nighttime claiming he was doing overtime. A week like that would bring in hundreds alone and would pay for his monthly car costs alone.

As far as I can see, he had the money for a new suit, a trip to London, days out at the races, a weekend trip abroad to Poland, and other bits and pieces.

So he has money but he doesn't want to budget or cut back on his social life/dating life to chip in his bit.

I'm on a wage much less than him and yet my mother expects me to meet the bills.

The thing that broke the camels backs here for me, is his withdrawal from the family and him not helping, so there's now more upon my back in relation to shopping/grocery costs. My mother has requested an online grocery shop for next week from me but I don't have the money for it.

Something else that's happening as well is with the dog. She requires monthly medication. In recent months though she was diagnosed with cancer. Her breed lives to be about 12-14 years. She's now 13. It didn't make sense to me to continue on with her life paying out monthly on medicines and I would have been happy to say good bye to the dog and put her to sleep. It was a losing battle I had at home though. The months went on and the lump on her is growing and growing and it's the size of a deflated football now and it's still a losing battle for me here.

The gas bill came in this week. A situation did come about where my brother got some trouble with his car. The front brakes failed but it's in the garage now. I don't know how much that would cost him. Maybe about 500 euro. He did get his ass in gear though. He had three old cars in the backyeard that he's now selling for scrap so he should get about 150 or 200 euro for them so that will go some way towards his new bill.

In a few weeks, the electricity will come in, surely especially if he works over time, he'd be sorted by then and it's another bill that he'd get free from.

I'm dreading Christmas and January won't be long coming around. We'll all be broke come January yet the bills will still come in and he'd probably get away free again.

Unfortunately, I'm not in any position to give any ultimatum, my financial situation is that dire. I'm in overdraft on the account that I cannot clear. As shit as things are with the unfairness of what's happening at home, it's still cheaper than renting. I looked into all this before. The only accommodation I'd be able to afford would be a rental room in a student accommodation area and that's in the city.

A rock and a hard place right now.

Take the rental room in the city. If you can afford it, it would improve your mental health and give you control over your finances. Getting some space will help you, your house is toxic and you need out. Then all you need to look out for is you and you can re group and plan for your future.
Don't feel bad for your mum, she is enabling him and she needs to decide what she can deal with from your brother. At the moment she's leaning on you (to your detriment) and using it to bypass the decisions she needs to make about what she can handle.

Any adult needs to put roof n food and bills as first priority. Is your mum really saying he being the biggest wage earner out of the 3 of you can’t pay anything? Not even £50 a week? But you can? If he really does spend every penny then he can’t afford the car can he that’s £600 in kitty. What of you got a car loan and had no money. What then?

Stuff paying even a third! Stop paying anything at all and suggest your brother takes a turn at paying half for 18 months (as long as he’s been FT) then you go thirds. Given that you have subsidised him all that time

This. Sit with your mum and present her with his earnings/outgoings/the stuff he's buying/his nights out and tell her he HAS to pay. Is she truly aware of what you earn compared to him? Sod the car, that's his choice.

You need to get out of this situation or you will be here in ten years time supplementing this twat.

The job is the main issue I can see though. Have you explored live-in type jobs? Or the idea of lodging in a family home?

In the meantime, you give a different type of ultimatum - you have no money. Just like the answer she's so willing to accept from your brother. Show her your bank account. Overdraft. No cash. If it's a good enough answer from him, why not from you? Has she seen his account? Would she dare ask? No. That's the difference. You earn less than him. You're in overdraft. You cannot do a shop. He eats too. Ask HIM. Keep saying no. There is no money, because I am cleaned out from covering half of what should be his bills. He has money. He has money.

Look further into the costs of renting a student room. It sounds as if it could be much better. You'd be in the city for job opportunities and splitting bills between four or five, yes?

You must get out.