I don't like what's happening at home with my brother free riding

[SMJYellow]

My income is incredibly low and I wouldn't be able to afford a rent on it. I live at home and I am so so grateful to my mother however I'm sick to my back teeth of something that is happening at home.

I help at home especially towards bills and that is the only right thing to do.

I have a brother also living at home. He was unemployed for a while but he's in full time unemployment for the best part of 18 months now. He's well and truly on his feet now. The thing is, he's not required to help in any way towards bills.

The household bills come in and they are split down the middle between me and my mother. I think, by right the bills should be split three ways and he pays his share but this isn't happening.

I've tried talking so many times to my mam and requesting that he pays his share but it's like talking to a brick wall. She likes to claim he doesn't have the money, and that he has his car to run and maintain. This quiet honestly is pure nonsense and just sexist pitying. There's opportunity in his work place for overtime and he's takes this regularly when ever it's going so that would boost up his income.

He has the money for going away on foreign breaks with his girlfriend, he had the money for a new suit a few months ago and money for a few days at the horse racing festival.

My life in comparison is much different. I shop in second hand clothes shops, there's no foreign breaks away and I have to budget every week. If I can't afford to go out, I don't go out.

I'm doing a rough budget for the next few more weeks and included are bills like the electricity, gas and pet bills (the elderly dog requires monthly pain medicine for arthritis).

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to cope and cover all this, my finances are that bad.

The electricity is going to be about 140 euro, the gas will be 100 euro and pet medication is 70 euro but the pet food is on me.

The pet dog is the familys dogs, but not once did my brother chip in to help.

All this is adding up and fills me with fear and dread. I'm dreading Christmas too. I usually like Christmas but I don't know how I'm going manage Christmas. I keep Christmas low key and I don't get involved in Christmas parties and festivities so that's something off my back. I'm looking ahead and working on a rough budget and going by my estimates I'm going to be struggling especially when it comes to the Christmas food shop.

If my brother was to pay his way, it would ease the load somewhat.

Your brothers cannot stop you being a doormat. Only you can do that by standing up for yourself without the need for their approval or intervention. You need to speak up and say "no, enough". You will be vulnerable to freeloaders /abusers all your life unless you can do this.

I know this seems unkind. Sorry, I don't mean to be but it would really be best if you felt able to take action on your own account rather than depending on being rescued.

PS your brother is never going to be shaned into doing the right thing and your dmum is never going to be able to see clearly about thus. I have lived a variation of this dynamic (father/son in my case) -difference is I got out at 19. I am now 46 and its still going.

Pay a third of the bills, there is no reason to be paying a sixth to cover your brothers unpaid share. It’s up to your mother whether she wants to pay for your brother

I agree. Pay a third of the bills. The rest is up to your enabling mother or shit arsed brother. In the immediate weeks I mean. Then take a room in the city. It’s got to be better than this surely?

Say for example, if it's true that money is tight for him - what is the reason for not speaking to us?

I'd guess it's because he'd like to be living in the house with his girlfriend, not with you and his mother.
He's in a hump because that's not possible and chooses to direct his bad feelings towards you and his mum, rather than take responsibility for himself.

Don't be like your brother, OP.
Take responsibility for yourself.

Sorry it sucks but as it's your mums home she can decide what to charge and given that she hasn't changed despite you telling her you're unhappy with it, your only option is to leave. You sound way too invested in this drama between mother son and you for an adult in your thirties.

With the amount you're spending at your mums house you could rent a room in a shared house with housemates and be free of it all. Don't kid yourself you can't afford to leave by assuming you'd need your own place, look into rooms to rent. If you can't/won't do that it's time to keep your head down, pay what your landlord is asking (your mum) and make steps to improve your situation to get out.

Why on earth does your mum not have a bank account and card?

You'll be much happier in that room rental. Might be cheaper too.

I was thinking that onion.

If the OP’s Mum had a bank account she could pay the gas and electricity by direct debit, making it far cheaper than paying the bills as they come in.

You seriously need to stop enabling your mother....and move out asap.

My mam doesn't have a bank account or bank card so it's another drain on my finances.
You what? This isn't acceptable!
Where does her money come from? How does she receive it?
Either frogmarch her to the bank to open an account or refuse to allow her to use yours......it's really that simple.

Even on minimum wage you can afford something accommodation wise - it just won't be what you would ideally like.

it's like the Twilight Zone.... only real

You can ask your vet for a prescription and see if your local chemist is cheaper, most vets charge a large mark up on medications. In terms of pet food i use zooplus.de or zooplus.ie both deliver to your door at half the price of any Irish pet store.

The larger problem is how you deal with your brother. Id be temped to pay what you can and let your Mum and brother deal with consequences. There is a housing crisis in Ireland renting is probably not an option for her at the moment.

Even on minimum wage you can afford something accommodation wise - it just won't be what you would ideally like.

Actually, she probably can't afford to rent for various reasons there's a crisis in housing all across Ireland. Sharing bed- rooms in flats can cost in excess of 700 plus a month that's if she can find a share.

If anyone is offering her help,please try and take into consideration there is 8k homeless adults and kids in Dublin living in hotels and hostels,
there's being endless stories about 20/30 people sharing a three bed house. Moving is not an option. The report below shows the slums people are living in. I don't mean to rant on about housing if you live outside Ireland you're probably now aware of the crisis.

www.rte.ie/player/gb/show/prime-time-30003251/10797897/

Benefits in Ireland are paid into your local post office its not unusual for someone in that situation to have no bank accounts. Obviously, if her Mum works its a different story am sharing reasons why someone might not be using the banking system.

I've been using zooplus for the past year myself for the cat and dog. I love zooplus.

The plan is the dog will be put to sleep in December. Middle December around about the 16th. Its time. So will be one bill of my back come the new year. Her monthly meds sank me and my account.

The bank wasn't interested in my mother when she tried open an account because at the time she was a home/maker - stay at home mother.

Why would a SAHM not need a bank account? Are things really so different in Ireland?

I haven't a clue. The bank wouldn't allow her an account anyways.

To add to Ciaorme's comments on the homeless situation in Ireland, there's about 440,000 adults aged 25 to 35 living at home with their parents. These are called the undocumented homeless. Situation is fairly fucked alright.

Pay a third of all bills. Make sure you keep a record of what you pay. Tell your mum you are very happy to pay your own way, but you cannot afford to subsidise your brother.

Will there be arguments? Yes. But it's the only thing that will make a difference.

This must've been quite some time ago when your mum tried opening a bank account. She should give it another go. If not a bank, a credit union perhaps. I know they are big in ROI.

I am wondering if you mother told you the truth about the bank just because I've never heard of a bank denying an account to a SAHP in Ireland or anywhere else.

Stop using your card to order groceries.
Work out your share of rent, food, heating etc (1/3 obv) and give that to your mum weekly or monthly.
What she does then is up to her.

If she can't have a bank account, she could get a cash card where she pays cash onto the card and can then buy stuff by card.
But that's not your problem, it's hers.

I’d be suprised if at some point she dosnt need a bank account. 20y who here you had to go with book and withdraw benefits but now it’s all through bank account and card. She may not get a deluxe account with overdraft or credit card but basic yes.
Surely other siblings will say something of come home house is freezing and no food? And you are all struggling?

You need to change the conversation in your head, you’re the victim of your refusal to accept the dysfunctional dynamics of your family and owning your contribution to that dynamic.

Your strategy of absorbing the financial responsibility of adults is feeding the continuance of the manipulation. Why would your mother change, knowing that you’re there to take all the crap her and her pathetic son can dish out?

Waiting to offload on your other siblings, is just another example of you waiting for someone to rescue you and that’s major problem here, you surrender your power to the very people who will use it against you.

You are the only one who can change your behaviour.

You really need to find a way to stand up for yourself and end this awful situation. You are being abused here

You need to get a new job.

I can't be cross at my mam. She is a good woman. My father walked out many years ago and my mam did her best. We grew up on borderline poverty and from a young age, about 14, I got work and held it down throughout school and I was always happy to help at home. You don't climb out of poverty over night and I found myself in my twenties working hard and saving and pumping money into house improvements in the family home because my father never did anything. I was about 26 years old when we got a new kitchen - something that we desperately needed.

All that is over and in the past now. My brother is an adult and working full time and I think he should be paying his way while he is living at home.

I don't think, my mother taking a soft route with my brother is done out of baddest. I think it's more so she has an unhealthy view of her relationship with my brother. I think she wants him at home. She feels maybe there should be a man in the house or something. I think if she pushes him to contribute, she's afraid that he will up and walk and be done with her.

I'm not happy picking up his share any more. Especially considering he has been 'off' with the family for the past few months. His mood is incredible. He's hardly talking anymore to the family. There is zero conversation from my brother. Things are unbelievably tense at home.

Yesterday was another one of them days. He couldn't be bothered going into work yesterday and he stayed in bed all day. I was out at work all day, so it didn't bother me. Evening time, I came in home and I worked on my hobby (knitting) at the kitchen table for a bit.

My brother eventually got up. There was a mood from him and the tension was unreal. He nearly felt hard done by, making his lunch for today with him slamming butter and ham down on the work top for his lunch. There was no talk or conversation from him at all. I've given up talking to him now at all because all I got was one word grunts if I spoke or asked him anything. It was awful. I just got up and fled to my room. I waited for him to go back to bed. I cried last night and thought I'd be better off dead.

He's the same way with our mam but he gives out to her. I don't know why she's putting up with it.

I don't understand why he's being like that. He'd be able to drop that mood and attitude when his girlfriend comes about. He's staying over at hers now tonight. I wonder would he go into her family home and start slamming things and not speak to her or her family? Somehow I doubt it.

Biting the hand that feeds you, so to speak. Ok I don't feed him and he's buying his own food but me and mam are keeping the show on the road at home. If we didn't pay the bills, he'd have no electricity, and the bins wouldn't get paid and the place would be overrun with rats, and there would be no hot water for showers etc. Some courtesy from him wouldn't go astray.

If he's so miserable at home and wants to spend all his time with his girlfriend, then he's free to move. He has the money to move. He would have spent 100s for the horse racing in the summer time and then he went away to Poland for a weekend break so that would have cost a few hundred more. He has the money to move.

I'd be gone now if I could. I won't be able to move overnight and I'll be making plans for after Christmas.