I don't like what's happening at home with my brother free riding

[SMJYellow]

My income is incredibly low and I wouldn't be able to afford a rent on it. I live at home and I am so so grateful to my mother however I'm sick to my back teeth of something that is happening at home.

I help at home especially towards bills and that is the only right thing to do.

I have a brother also living at home. He was unemployed for a while but he's in full time unemployment for the best part of 18 months now. He's well and truly on his feet now. The thing is, he's not required to help in any way towards bills.

The household bills come in and they are split down the middle between me and my mother. I think, by right the bills should be split three ways and he pays his share but this isn't happening.

I've tried talking so many times to my mam and requesting that he pays his share but it's like talking to a brick wall. She likes to claim he doesn't have the money, and that he has his car to run and maintain. This quiet honestly is pure nonsense and just sexist pitying. There's opportunity in his work place for overtime and he's takes this regularly when ever it's going so that would boost up his income.

He has the money for going away on foreign breaks with his girlfriend, he had the money for a new suit a few months ago and money for a few days at the horse racing festival.

My life in comparison is much different. I shop in second hand clothes shops, there's no foreign breaks away and I have to budget every week. If I can't afford to go out, I don't go out.

I'm doing a rough budget for the next few more weeks and included are bills like the electricity, gas and pet bills (the elderly dog requires monthly pain medicine for arthritis).

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to cope and cover all this, my finances are that bad.

The electricity is going to be about 140 euro, the gas will be 100 euro and pet medication is 70 euro but the pet food is on me.

The pet dog is the familys dogs, but not once did my brother chip in to help.

All this is adding up and fills me with fear and dread. I'm dreading Christmas too. I usually like Christmas but I don't know how I'm going manage Christmas. I keep Christmas low key and I don't get involved in Christmas parties and festivities so that's something off my back. I'm looking ahead and working on a rough budget and going by my estimates I'm going to be struggling especially when it comes to the Christmas food shop.

If my brother was to pay his way, it would ease the load somewhat.

Maybe you should consider a room in a rented house?

Can you sit with your mother and brother and thrash out the figures. So his income. Your income. The cost of running a car. Cold hard facts and figures.

I Feel cross on your behalf.

Take the room rental in the city. At least you will be away from the resentment then.

Why is your financial situation so bad? Are you working full time? Could you get a second job in a bar or working over Christmas in a shop?

You could sit down and tell your mum you earn less than your brother so why should you pay half the bills and he pays nothing, but she won't listen. Let her make her own choices and you make yours.

Rent the room. You are being financially abused by your own mother and brother and because of the fucked up dynamic in your family (sorry but it really is) you are just taking it. Nothing can get better whilst you stay at home, you'll just get further into debt and more resentful and ground down.

You seem to be paying 300-400
Month for bills and food. How much more would a room be? Is there no housing benefit top up
For low wages? You could call your my Bluff say it call x to move out at least you will think That’s fair.

Underhand but can you check your brothers bank statement to see what he is sending money on?

Can you look at live in jobs where your accommodation is included?

This is awful. I don’t know how you haven’t completely blown your top! No offence OP, but you’re in your 30’s, back living at home for quite a while now. How will you ever get out of this mess? You have two options:

Put your foot down with your mum and tell her how it HAS to be.

Move to the student accommodation.

What would your mum do if you stopped covering it all? Would she kick you out? If so, you have your plan B anyway, and to hell with them both.

Get a second job if you can. But only for moving to the student accommodation, or once you do so that you can get back on YOUR feet. Do not get a second job to ease the bills in that house!

You need to get proper advice on your own situation. How low is your own income? Social Welfare would be s minimum of €193 per week and a minimum wage job would be more.

On s low income you should qualify for HAP to help with rent if you rent a room in a house.

Go to Citizens Information, get advice and move out.

Definitely move out.

But have you actually said to your mum " ok mum.. if brother can't pay bills how can he go on holiday, pay for new suit etc etc" when you can't afford anything can you please ask her how this is fair?

Seriously look at swapping jobs and moving to the city

There's definitely going to be changes made going forward, for sure.

I'm never going to be able to change my mother or her ways. All I can do I work on myself, improving my financial situation and getting out.

Whisky2014,

She sees what's happening with him and everything and she knows this. She was in his room making his bed and she found a receipt which she told me about for his suit which cost nearly 400 euro.

She slapped all blame onto his girlfriend for that one. Her words to me, not to my brother. She's being completely irrational really. She hates his girlfriend but I reckon she feels threatened by her and worries that this girl will take her son away or some f-ed up nonsense. A few others called it as it is here really. She has an unhealthy bond with my brother. She wants him close no matter what.

I feel sick to my stomach with what's happening and I've had a massive headache all day with the stress. If I could leave now/tonight/tomorrow I would.

There is nothing right about any of this. He's free loading of the backs of me and our mother. At the very same time of not talking to us. He came into kitchen earlier to put a microwavable meal in the microwave and not a word was spoken from him. He didn't look up once from his phone.

The only time he speaks lately is when he has alcohol on board and then it's only to our mother and when I'm not about. Probably dishing out sympathy and 'poor' me' stories.

Say for example, if it's true that money is tight for him - what is the reason for not speaking to us? The silence, the withdrawal, zero conversation has been going on for months. A

Do you have any other family members who could intervene and speak to your mother? Something has to be done here, you can't be expected to carry him like this. I have a niece like this(in her 30's now), it doesn't get any better. Her parents are still paying her bills for her AND her 2 kids.

Personally, I would look into a low-cost house share. That way, you probably have a far lower share of bills to pay out and probably affordable rent. While not fair, it isn’t your house to make the rules and your mother is one of those typical martyrs. Don’t buy into this bullshit and also don’t feel obliged to help with money if you manage to get out. Tough love for her or suffer the consequences for this ridiculous outdated favouritism of the golden boy. It is pathetic to blame the girlfriend, it is down to your brother.

Yes it’s true you can’t change them. Just accept them for who they are and lower your expectations. Move on and find more meaningful considerate friendships and relationships elsewhere.

I would stop buying joint groceries... Why exactly are you doing this?
Just buy your food... He'd soon find some money if suddenly someone else was not enabling his behaviour by providing the microwave meals for him

Openthepickles,

I have a brother coming home from Australia in December. I'll see how the next few more weeks pan out. If my brother continues being a cold, moody, non conversational, smug shit bag and not helping at home, I'm definitely going to talk to my brother who's due home in December. If my brothers continues to claim he can't afford to help with bills while he continues to go out rubbing shit in my face. I'll tell by brother due home the way it is at home. He'll be disappointed and disgusted really. There'll be little he can do but it will be good for him to know what's happening.

I have another brother coming home on holidays in January too so I'll talk to him too. The bin bill is in my name and thats due in January, I'm going to stop paying that and let mam or the free loader to pick it up.

I have loads of aunties but one in particular takes no shit from her sons and she and my uncle downsized in house and moved out, just the two of them and left the adult sons the house. Things weren't rosy there at all with the adult lads drinking a lot. My aunt takes a no nonsense approach and she would be disgusted to learn of the free loader in the home. I think I might get talking to her too.

I'll be looking at getting work in the city and moving into the city after Christmas.

The joint grocery shopping would be shopping for me and mother. She would write down a list for an online order. Her list would include a lot for my brother. I wouldn't go there at buying him his food. In recent times though he's been buying his own food stuff in tesco. The meal deals. So I suppose that's something but it's no where near the help he should be giving while he's living here. The online grocery shop is still very costly for me and I can't do it anymore.

By not pushing back on your mother, you're enabling her to enable your brother.
Your choices are; move out, stop subsidising your brother or accept the situation and continue as you are. Your mother and brother being different, aren't options open to you, so rant away away but it won't change the dysfunctional dynamics of your family.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics, especially dysfunctional ones and you've appeared to have chosen, doormat. No one one can assign you a role in a dynamic if you aren't prepared to accept it. Expecting people who benefit from the statu quo to change it, is a waste of time.

The good news is, that you have significant power here because the current status quo is dependent on your compliance. Which means if you want things to change, you need to stop being so compliant.

Living at home isn't the cheaper alternative you hoped it to be because you've been sucked back into your family's messed up dynamics.

You mentioned some of the bills are in your name. You need to get that changed before you make your move.

You are right that it is your own situation you need to change and improve. There is no reason that you shouldn’t get a higher paid job. Ask on here if you want help with your CV etc. I wish you all the best.

I don't know where you are in the country but call centres are often looking for employees and you don't need much experience to get a job in them. Try Eir or Virgin Media Ireland. Leave and get a room somewhere. That's a toxic environment you're in.

I wouldn´t waste energy on telling other family members how useless he is. It might make you feel justified in your anger, but it isn´t going to change the dynamic between your mother and brother. I also come from one of these Irish families where sons are the all-important beings. I got out of it by moving to another country. No need to be that drastic, but make getting yourself sorted in life your number one priority.

So you pay your share of bills, no more, put the rest of the money towards paying off your overdraft, get your CV sorted out and you plan to move out as soon as you can. Make yourself a plan for how you are going to achieve this within a realistic timescale (6 months?), and then you have a goal to work towards.

Your mother will try to drag you back into the dynamic of pandering to the all important son. It is time this ended in Irish culture - stand up to it and refuse to participate. You aren´t alone. Many young Irish women have had to do the same.

Please take actions to help yourself and don't wait around to tell your other brothers about the situation.

It might be an idea to talk with your aunt quite soon, though. She'd maybe have helpful advice for you, or at least moral support so you don't feel you're on your own with this.

Get your name off the bills.
Work out how much money you'd have if you didn't have to pay anything to this household.
Look for somewhere, anywhere, to stay where you will be responsible only for yourself.
Do you have any friends or relatives who'd rent you a space with them, for a bit?

As a PP said, you genuinely do not have enough money to pay for half of everything.
Tell your mother this and pay one third.
Refuse to pay more than a third as you genuinely do not have the money.

this is appalling.... truly appalling.... get yourself into a nice trendy flat share... and leave your Mum to it with her golden boy