OH has sex videos of ex

[lastnicknamefree]

The title says it all really. I’ve been with my partner 9 months, when we first got together and I was being nosey (no excuse) I looked at his work phone and saw several home made videos of himself and his ex wife having sex or her giving him a BJ.
I wasn’t overly happy and we had a bit of a row over it, he was obviously annoyed I’d looked at his phone which is a valid point and I was concerned he wasn’t over her and using the videos to masterbate to which isn’t the nicest thought when it’s your new partner.
He said he’d delete them, I checked today (I know I shouldn’t but it’s been 6 months and I was curious) he still has them on his phone.
I didn’t think he would have. They’ve been apart 7 years now and I’m pretty certain he’s over her, but I’m not comfortable with the knowledge he’s getting off on their home made porn films or keeping them as some kind of trophy.
I’m not sure if I’m being a total prude and over reacting, or if I have right to be upset/annoyed and say something.
I’d appreciate thoughts, and yes I know I shouldn’t be checking his phone so that doesn’t exactly make blame free in the situation, but that aside how would you feel? Any and all thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

As per usual so much projection in here.

How is he a creep when the video was made consensually? And also how do you know she wants them deleted and is horrified that he still has them?

He should be telling the OP to sling her hook for invading his privacy on nothing more than a whim, the self righteousness and entitlement normally seen in threads like these is nauseating.

How is it not creepy to retain, and presumbly wank over those videos?! The relationship is over so he definitely should have deleted the videos.

I wouldn't personally even want to keep videos or pictures of an ex boyfriend.

OP, you shouldn't keep looking through his phone as a source of entertainment. Look through your own if you're bored! However this discovery shows you how he thinks of women. He is disrespectful and its not ok that he kept those videos.

Grim! Must have been horrible to find the both times.

Maybe you don't trust him which is why you looked at his phone...?

Would make me feel insecure about our relationship... and his feelings for his ex-wife.

Tammy, well your dh would say that wouldn't he? Given your stance, he's hardly going to say otherwise!

I don't know why he's disgusting for having it. Are we certain his ex wife hasn't still got her copy?

Jesus fucking Christ. An ant would struggle to limbo under some of the low bars in this thread.

Of course it's not at all disrespectful to his new girlfriend to watch sex videos featuring his old wife. Not AT ALL. Why not share them with his girlfriend so she can perfect his ex's technique while he's at it? And if anyone here is naive enough to think he's not making use of this material then I have no words.

Expecting the person you're in a relationship with not to audiovisually reminisce over a former partner is hardly great expectations, is it?

Good lord. No wonder so many men treat women like shit.

Funnily enough he didn't know my stance, it's never come up in our relationship since he's not a complete arsehole - and believe me, his response was neither coerced or dependent on my reaction.

Who says he watches them? I have loads of stuff on my phone I haven’t looked at for years.

And what difference does it make that he is a man? Are you all telling me 100% that there is now way this situation would arise where a woman had old photos or video on her phone and that your totally over the top responses would all be the same in that scenario?

Bonkers I tell thee.

Is it that the videos are of sex or would the OP be upset if he had kept videos of other enjoyable encounters they had? The videos are not simply of her they are of them, maybe the sex is the only thing he remembers with fondness. The other participation has far more right to tell him that they want them deleted than a new partner IMO.

If he's wanking to videos on his phone it would be far more likely be to videos of unattainable women than his ex wife but the videos are a still part of a chapter of his life.

I've never taken any intimate photos or videos, that's the bit I find more grim than actually keeping them. However, my DW insisted on binning of every photograph of my ex GFs when we moved in together, at the time I assumed it was normal but in hindsight it was a precursor to controlling behaviour which followed.

Snooping through his phone is an invasion, I suspect my DW looks through mine, even though I have things relating to work on my phone (I'm self employed) which are private to my clients. Its not pleasant to feel you are being monitored.

*participant not participation

If she had old sex videos, yep. It's one thing to have something and forget about them but hasn't has he?

What do we think would upset his ex wife more?

That her ex husband never deleted the sex tape that they made, or that his new gf of 12wks, found it by snooping back 7yrs on his phone and watched it?

I'd be pissed off about both, but if he deleted them it could never have happened!

Me. I sent pics and a video to an ex when I was at uni. We split up for years and then got back together. He hadn't kept any of the pics or videos after I asked him to delete them. Because he wasn't a prick. I really despair of the low expectations some women have of men

I don't have low expectations of men far from it actually! But I am realistic - and I'm very much aware that the majority of men do not delete those sorts of pictures and I don't blame them. If a guy has a video of himself having sex with his partner who consented to the video, why would he delete it? Even 4 years later if he's having a wank to it, the fact it's his ex girlfriend in the video probably means very little, it's more so what's going on and the fact it's HIM that's involved.
When my partner and I broke up for a year I never deleted our photos/videos. Am I a prick? It also turns out that neither did he - is he a prick? No.

In this day and age very few things are actually deleted and the things that are, are easily to gain back again. The majority of men do not delete those videos or photos, and that doesn't make them creepy or pricks.

Funnily enough he didn't know my stance, it's never come up in our relationship since he's not a complete arsehole - and believe me, his response was neither coerced or dependent on my reaction

I'm not saying your husband was lying when he answered. But let's be honest in these situations most men aren't going to say to their wife "no love, I don't see a problem with keeping videos of yourself having sex with an ex wife and wanking over them" because common sense tells them to say what they think their wife wants to here. A bit like porn, the amount of times men say they'll stop watching it when their partners are moaning about it but really they don't actually stop and then the wife comes on here upset that he's still watching porn.

What I find creepy is that after just 12 weeks of dating the OP started to snoop on a man she was still getting to know. She went back far enough to find these photos and videos. She then done all this again months later.
If anybody snooped on me for no reason they'd be gone. If they did this after 12 WEEKS they'd be gone in a flash and I'd thank my lucky stars for my escape. What gives the OP the right to do what she did? Because that is creepy! In comparison to a 12 year relationship at 12 weeks you are still more strangers to each other - to check up on that persons private things is weird.

I’d be more pissed at my ex keeping them, as Tammy rightly points out, if he hadn’t kept them there would be nothing for the new GF to see.

not

That is grim. Why didn’t he delete them when he said he would? How would his ex feel knowing he still has them (and probably still watching them) some 7 years later.

I doubt he ‘forgot’ they were there, If that were the case surely he’d have no qualms with deleting them when you stumbled upon them.

at my ex keeping them, as Tammy rightly points out, if he hadn’t kept them there would be nothing for the new GF to see

If the OP hadn't of acted like a psycho and started invading the privacy of a man she'd only known for 12 weeks then she wouldn't have seen them. But that's besides the point - the videos are his. He doesn't HAVE to delete them

Tammy, just because your husband thinks that it doesn't mean every man thinks that

^ Exactly.

Every woman doesn't have the same opinion ... did why would every man.

Of course he doesn’t have to delete them but he can’t expect future girlfriends to be happy about it.

He can do what he likes with his seedy little collection. It's up to you to decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

You wouldn't see me for dust, but that's just me.

Stop prowling through his phone though. That crosses a line as well.

My husband said the same as Tammys actually.. glad I didnt set the bar low when I married him.

I'd be wary of any man who records sex acts. There is just so much risk of revenge porn. Also, when you record something you are less in the moment and when it comes to sex I think you could at least be emotionally and physically present for your partner as a sign of respect or otherwise quit having sex.

Furthermore, as another poster pointed out, in seven years he would have had at least one other phone, probably two or three, which means he transferred those videos every time. That's a lot of trouble to hang on to stuff that is dodgy to begin with.

Finally, no OP, you don't trust him. If you trusted him you wouldn't have looked the first time. And you have a right not to trust him now, because he lied to you and clearly doesn't care. Although snooping through someone's phone without permission is bad form.

Oh come on now. I can't tell if some of these responses are naive or obtuse.

Every man? No. Not every man would want videos like this in the first place, certainly not in a location where they could be found by other people.

But a guy who takes video like this in the first place AND keeps it on his phone for 7 YEARS rather than on a computer / hard drive / USB locked away AND doesn't delete them when asked... yeah, I'm sure he's not enjoying himself to those videos. Sure.

I said to my husband "there's a post on MN where a woman found videos of her bf having sex with his ex wife on his phone..." - before I even got past that bit his question was "why the hell would you keep them?". This was not a "ugh isn't porn gross?" type conversation. I'm sure he can't speak for every man, absolutely. However, he has a much better idea of men's minds work than I do, and his immediate conclusion was that this guy is making use of them or there'd be deleted or stored somewhere else after all this time, which seems a very logical conclusion to me!

If you went through my phone in the first few months because you were nosy and then argued with me over the contents I would have dumped you (not that I have any rude stuff on there).

I have no idea if my ex kept videos of us. I probably have some pictures of him up in the loft. I am not fussed because I trust him not to go showing anyone else.

He may genuinely have forgotten they were on there until OP went looking. Why should he then do as a new GF demands and get rid of them?