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Original poster

OH has sex videos of ex

126 replies

lastnicknamefree · 31/10/2017 22:16

The title says it all really. I’ve been with my partner 9 months, when we first got together and I was being nosey (no excuse) I looked at his work phone and saw several home made videos of himself and his ex wife having sex or her giving him a BJ.
I wasn’t overly happy and we had a bit of a row over it, he was obviously annoyed I’d looked at his phone which is a valid point and I was concerned he wasn’t over her and using the videos to masterbate to which isn’t the nicest thought when it’s your new partner.
He said he’d delete them, I checked today (I know I shouldn’t but it’s been 6 months and I was curious) he still has them on his phone.
I didn’t think he would have. They’ve been apart 7 years now and I’m pretty certain he’s over her, but I’m not comfortable with the knowledge he’s getting off on their home made porn films or keeping them as some kind of trophy.
I’m not sure if I’m being a total prude and over reacting, or if I have right to be upset/annoyed and say something.
I’d appreciate thoughts, and yes I know I shouldn’t be checking his phone so that doesn’t exactly make blame free in the situation, but that aside how would you feel? Any and all thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 01/11/2017 07:59

You can’t police someone’s wank bank though

Plenty of people do buy insisting their partners don’t use porn.

PsychedelicSheep · 01/11/2017 08:00

‘Nothing wring with looking at a partners phone’ Er, yes there is quite a lot wrong with it actually. It’s a huge violation of trust and privacy. Why do you think it’s listed on the power and control wheel as an example of controlling behaviour?

PsychedelicSheep · 01/11/2017 08:13

Porn’s different though, my issue with that is the way women are treated in the industry and not wanting to support the market.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 08:13

Oh yeah, those pathetic frigid women who would rather their partners didn't get off to other women. How bloody frigid eh?

FFS.

badabing36 · 01/11/2017 08:17

He's a creep and a misogynistic arsehole.

If you stay with him op, you will and it sounds like you will from your posts, be careful. I've seen many threads on mn by women whose partners have taken videos of them without their knowledge.

Ausparent · 01/11/2017 08:19

I understand it is upsetting for you but the person I really feel sorry for is his ex.

He is carrying around explicit videos of her which could be stolen or shared very easily. I would be tempted to delete them, not for myself but for her.

In terms of him being over her I suspect it would be more to do with the ego boost of watching porn where he is the star rather than some emotional attachment.

Deleting them would mean the end of your relationship though. I doubt he would forgive you.

Annoyed5678 · 01/11/2017 08:19

Anyone but me concerned its on a work phone? I'd get the sack if I put shit like that on mine

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 08:47

I wonder how many of the "oh I'm so chilled about this and your crime of looking is worse than him keeping the video's" posters would be happy about their ex's having sex video's of them seven years after they'd split? You really want your ex's to be reliving sex with you after you've left them, presumably for very valid reasons?

I dont really care. Even without videos, any one of my exes can relive sex with me any time they like via the memories they have of it. Only one of my exes made videos with my consent but the rest still have the memories that they can relive and they have every right to do so when wanking or what not.

I cannot believe everyone gunning for the bf. She was not some inconsequential short term gf (like the OP is at the moment),but his ex wife and mother of his children. For all of those calling the man a pervert, the OP opened a video and WATCHED IT!!!!!!! She didnt close it down and put the phone away once she knew what it was, she watched his ex wife and children's mother having sex with her own husband, the OP is the pervert IMO. That is a disgrace.

schoolgaterebel · 01/11/2017 08:48

I wonder how the ex would feel knowing he still has those tapes.

He said he'd delete them and didn't.

It's a work phone.

It all shows lack of respect and 'I'll do what I want' attitude

JohnHunter · 01/11/2017 08:56

Delete them from his phone. He won't be able to accuse you of doing so without admitting that he didn't do it himself. Then move on.

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 09:03

For all those saying he lied to her by saying he would delete them: the OP no doubt promised she wouldnt look in his phone again a yet she did.

She is a liar too.

In the OP she admits to looking at several videos of them together as she describes what is on them. That is perverse and disgusting of her.

Delete them from his phone. He won't be able to accuse you of doing so without admitting that he didn't do it himself. Then move on.

Now Ive seen it all. Delete videos of his own wife to quell some insecure new gfs insecurities. Do that OP if you want to be dumped. But it is probably best you break up. Rifling through private videos of his kids and his wife after 9 months....how dare you.

TheNaze73 · 01/11/2017 09:03

I can’t see what this has to do with you. No difference to keeping old love letters

Onyourtoes · 01/11/2017 09:04

Op this is weird and creepy.
You shouldn’t really have gone through his phone. But it’s no where near as bad as what he has done. He promised to delete those and six months later he hasn’t. That’s shocking.

AccrualIntentions · 01/11/2017 09:07

He has sex videos on his work phone? Make sure you're financially able to cope with the potential fallout of that, it would be a sackable offence at my work Confused

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 09:19

Work phone is ambiguous.

My sister has a work phone" but she is self employed and what this means is a separate contract that she pays for herself and she just keeps a seperate number for work contacts. But this work phone^ still has all of her personal and private videos and photos and facebook, etc.

He could have a seperate number as he doesnt want work having his personal number.

LoverOfCake · 01/11/2017 09:30

So all the people who think it's perfectly fine for him to have these Video's, you'd be happy for there to be similar video's of your daughter out there? Or you'd be happy for your son to keep video's of him having sex with his ex long after they'd split?

I bet this man would be the first to want to beat the shit out of some bloke who had sex video's of his daughter because ... he knows what men do with them.

Interestingly my DP had a conversation along similar lines with someone he knew who was ogling young girls and talking about how he'd fancy some of that. (The man was a creepy fucker) dp asked him if he'd be happy for some bloke his age to be leering at his daughter in the same way, funnily enough the bloke thought dp was being inappropriate and threatened to hit him. His wife wasn't so insensed though...

I wouldn't have made him delete the video's, I would have assumed from their existence what kind of creep he was and would have binned him then and there.

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 09:33

So all the people who think it's perfectly fine for him to have these Video's, you'd be happy for there to be similar video's of your daughter out there? Or you'd be happy for your son to keep video's of him having sex with his ex long after they'd split?

What has that got to do with anything?

If people make videos as consenting adults, it is no ones business not even the parents.

These are not teenage children making videos is was a husband and wife. So what is your point?

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 09:34

I bet this man would be the first to want to beat the shit out of some bloke who had sex video's of his daughter because ... he knows what men do with them.

So he shouldnt beat the shit out of his own daughter for allowing them to be made and consenting to being filmed? ok.

NikiBabe · 01/11/2017 09:36

Hit send too soon. Both parties are equally complicit in making the videos. What if the wife still has them? What if the wife made them?
Why always the blame on the man for being a pervert.

RidingWindhorses · 01/11/2017 09:40

Niki do you keep your old sex films on your phone or on your laptop?

If that phone was ever stolen the images could end up online, how would your ex feel if you were the cause of that?

I think it's highly unlikely the footage is on his phone for any other reason than to wank over. Which is disrespectful to the OP and his ex. I would not be happy about an ex keeping films of me on his phone (not that I'd be stupid enough to make one).

Bonez · 01/11/2017 09:48

I personally don't have any photos/videos on my phone from 7 years ago. He's made a point to keep them on his phone. Surely you can't have gone through at least 7 years worth of images and files and stumbled across these videos?

Lucie8881 · 01/11/2017 10:08

I’m surprised by all the responses stating OP should be cool with him having these videos. That she is just the GF and those vids are of his ex wife so it’s more acceptable??!

The fact he has intimate videos of an ex is not on, it’s horrid for both her and OP.

Where is the distinction as to what images or videos are ok to keep for nostalgia? Those containing Ex wives only? Any long term relationship? Any past partner?

Branleuse · 01/11/2017 10:13

He is unreasonable to keep this videos. It is disrespectful to you, and its also really disrespectful to his ex. If youre not with the person anymore then you really should delete stuff like that

FritzDonovan · 01/11/2017 10:36

the OP no doubt promised she wouldnt look in his phone again a yet she did
Jumping to a massive conclusion there niki. Irrelevant.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 10:40

This has definitely touched a nerve for one poster - there's that defensiveness that was mentioned...

Sure, any ex can run through sex memories in their head... but those memories can't be accessed by other people, hacked, posted to revenge porn sites, shared around with mates...

And of course he took the videos, they're on his phone, he took great pains to keep them for 7 bloody years and refused to delete them even when asked. No way would I stay with a guy who did this.

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