OH has sex videos of ex

[lastnicknamefree]

The title says it all really. I’ve been with my partner 9 months, when we first got together and I was being nosey (no excuse) I looked at his work phone and saw several home made videos of himself and his ex wife having sex or her giving him a BJ.
I wasn’t overly happy and we had a bit of a row over it, he was obviously annoyed I’d looked at his phone which is a valid point and I was concerned he wasn’t over her and using the videos to masterbate to which isn’t the nicest thought when it’s your new partner.
He said he’d delete them, I checked today (I know I shouldn’t but it’s been 6 months and I was curious) he still has them on his phone.
I didn’t think he would have. They’ve been apart 7 years now and I’m pretty certain he’s over her, but I’m not comfortable with the knowledge he’s getting off on their home made porn films or keeping them as some kind of trophy.
I’m not sure if I’m being a total prude and over reacting, or if I have right to be upset/annoyed and say something.
I’d appreciate thoughts, and yes I know I shouldn’t be checking his phone so that doesn’t exactly make blame free in the situation, but that aside how would you feel? Any and all thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

Whoa OP it would be major red flag for me. If he had separated from his ex 7 years ago, chances are he'd changed his phone already. Why would this video still be in his current phone if he doesn't care for her anymore or if he doesn't watch it anymore.

Also one of the commenters here is getting unnecessarily defensive and rude, do not listen to her.

@NikiBabe so what if OP ends up marrying this guy? I feel like he's not respecting her if he still keeps videos of him with his ex. 9 months might not be that long time to be in a relationship, but it's not that short either. You sound so defensive here, sounds like you got a problem and should start relationship thread on your own rather than attacking someone else on her thread.

There are some proper nutters on this thread!

My phone has stuff on it from way over seven years ago. I haven’t intentionally kept it, it’s just what happens unless you deliberately delete stuff regardless of how many new phones you have had. Don’t any of you transfer data to new phones.

Hacking/revenge porn sites etc - get a grip people. Unless he is a celebrity of some sort that bollcks doesn’t happen in the real world.

A video made by two consenting adults when they were married. Why should he delete it because some insecure current girlfriend has been snooping on his phone (enough to find a video from seven years ago!!!)

Does he have to delete every photo from prior to them getting together? Wedding photos, holiday photos etc.

Snooping through someone’s phone is a much bigger deal than having some old videos (that he possibly never looks at anyway)

So many insecure people around it’s frightning.

I dont think its insecure its creepy.
Hes a creep, I cant believe the low standards of some people when it comes to a life partner. Yuck.

* he took great pains to keep them for 7 bloody years and refused to delete them even when asked. No way would I stay with a guy who did this*

^ this, with bells on!

I'm more shocked at how many women on here genuinely think men delete videos/photos of ex's when they break up

If you're gunna allow your partner to video you or send him photos then you do so knowing he will most likely look at them for a long time! My DP and I broke up for a year. He never deleted any of the photos he has of me, why should he? I never found it creepy. At the end of the day he had the opportunity of looking at naked photos of a person he actually slept with - of course he isn't gunna delete them! Where as with porn there's millions of it available and there's no connection.

OP you can't dictate what he does/doesn't wank to based on your own insecurities. It's his phone. If I had just started dating somebody new and they were asking me to get rid of things of my ex I'd tell them where to go. Why should He delete something because his girlfriend of 9 months doesn't like it??

Looking through someone's phone so early on is NOT right. I think that's the bigger issue here. Why? What gave you the right to do that?

Only celebrities get hacked? What utter bollcoks. There have been massive issues with cloud hacking, not just celebrities. And regular women end up on revenge porn sites all the fucking time.

Well personally I'd never send photos like that to my partner / let them film stuff unless I knew 100% that they would a) respect me enough to delete them when asked and b) would be even more worried about it getting out than I would. The only person who's ever had naked photos of me is my husband, and he's far more paranoid about someone seeing them then I am so he doesn't keep them at all, let alone for 7 years after we break up.

I love the argument that he's just forgotten that they've been transferred to every phone he's had - except he hasn't, because he was made aware of it six months ago and they're still there.

Good Lord the puritanism and insecurity on this thread is insane.

Op you were his gf of 3 months when you first saw these videos And asked him to delete, correct?

She was his wife and the mother of his kids. He presumably loved her. If you think it's reasonable that he delete them after knowing you for three months, I think you are being quite precious and demanding tbh, you were strangers at that time. He clearly thought the same or he would have deleted them.

If you think he was wrong to feel that way, then I suggest you aren't suited and if I were you I'd move on to someone who will do as he's told by strangers a bit better is a better match.

Maybe he still loves her, is that a crime?
Maybe the sex was unforgettably wonderful and he is nostalgic. Again is that really so awful? Is that a reflection on you? No of course not. But if those things bother you, then this isn't the guy for you.

It wouldn't bother me, it's sex, it was probably a lovely time in his life, why would I make him delete them. My self esteem and self worth isn't dependent on my partners wanting / fondness for sex with his ex...

That’s a great basis for a relationship, a partner who has a wanting for sex with his ex!

It’s nothing to do with self esteem and everything to do with his inability to move on. I would be absolutely horrified if I thought for a second my ex-husband kept intimate images like that, for any length of time post separation. I can only imagine that when consenting to be in the videos it was in the context of a loving relationship, that has changed.

If the ex-wife posted on MN “I found out my ex-husband still has sex videos of me, what should I do?” I do wonder whether her responses would still be that she should also be fine with it?

You are absolutely right lucie8881

LMfAO - Puritanism?!

This is how fucked women are right now - if you don't want your partner getting off to explicit videos of his ex wife, you're a bloody puritan!

Absolutely mind blowing. Men must be laughing their asses off.

It's pure speculation that he keeps them to have a wank too.

I have old photographs from twenty years ago of an ex that we took during sex. I keep them for nostalgic purposes only. I don't look at them or even think of them. But they're part of my past and I won't destroy them. Of course women keep these things too.

Do you keep them on your phone though? Really? I have thousands of photos of things I don't want to get rid of but I don't have anything on my phone older than about 18 months, it's always full as it is!

I actually think it’s a little weird that you were looking through all their family photos behind his back. Photos of him and his wife and kids when they were happy. Without his knowledge. Why were you doing that? Are you jealous? Do you think he still loves her?

Either way, you asked him to delete them (after three months together - too much) and he didn’t. Your choice what you do with that.

Everyone saying he’s deliberately transferred them between phones etc - either he’s transferred all photographs in bulk as he has loads or it’s the same phone. Stop shrieking pervert without all the facts.

There isn't a rule that says pictures or videos, x rated or otherwise must be deleted when a relationship is over.

Once you consent to such a video... it can be out there forever.

TammyswansonTwo I'm with you on this.
Also to all the people saying she shouldn't have looked and suggesting there's something wrong with her for possibly feeling jealous, don't you have the normal range of human emotions?
It's not ideal to look at his phone but maybe instinct led her there. She was shocked and saw several similar videos of her lover having sex with someone else. Would that not affect you at all?
I don't believe half the people on here about how 'cool' , 'grown up' and detached they are.
Anybody would feel a frisson of shock or jealousy when confronted with this, even if only for a fleeting moment.

Seek and you shall find!

Was it any good?

I imagine he's kept it because it's the only bit of porn in existence that he himself features in, a fantastic memory rather than indicative that he still loves his wife.

It was made with his wife, by consent, and for all we know she's got a copy too.

A gf of three months has no right to demand that it be deleted.

He should have told you to get lost, but instead chose to lie and agree to delete it. I don't tolerate liars but even I can see that he was in a difficult position there!

It is, I think, most odd to rummage through the phone of a new bf, to go back seven years, and then to continue watching such a private and explicit video. It is op who has violated the privacy of his ex wife, not him.

Okay, I just asked my husband for his opinion on this (and believe me, he is very far from puritanical).

He says there is no way on earth that a guy has old sex videos on his phone and isn't looking at them. No way on earth. And he's pretty staggered that anyone would defend it. He also concurs that any decent human being deletes stuff like that when you break up with someone, and that there's quite a difference between remembering sex with someone and watching footage of it.

*Okay, I just asked my husband for his opinion on this (and believe me, he is very far from puritanical).

He says there is no way on earth that a guy has old sex videos on his phone and isn't looking at them. No way on earth. And he's pretty staggered that anyone would defend it. He also concurs that any decent human being deletes stuff like that when you break up with someone, and that there's quite a difference between remembering sex with someone and watching footage of it.*

^^^ Yep agree totally Tammy

Some guys just like to keep any gf they have on the back foot with stuff like this. The work hard to make their partners insecure in passive aggressive ways and this is one way of doing that.

He also has a skewed view that he is still in control of his ex by keeping these type of videos.
One pp said fantastic memories...that's absolute bollocks!!

Fantastic memories are decent photos of family and friends not blow jobs!!!!!

I'm sorry but he's utterly disgusting.. I feel sorry for his poor ex-wife... imagine her horror knowing he kept these too......... I wouldn't want this guy any where near me OP ...

Tammy, just because your husband thinks that it doesn't mean every man thinks that

He also concurs that any decent human being deletes stuff like that when you break up with someone

When me and my partner split for a year I watched one of our short videos once or twice. As did he. We are decent humans.

Even if he is watching the video and having a wank to it - so what?! He's probably wanking to him being in the video and having the sexual act done to him rather than wanking over his ex wife

But regardless of why he has the videos or how often he looks at them, he is not in the wrong here. Is there some rule which says when you get into a new relationship you must delete and remove every single bit of evidence which indicates you had a sex life with someone other than your new partner?

feel sorry for his poor ex-wife, imagine her horror knowing he kept these too

Oh please. She probably knew at the time of sending the photos and taking part in the video that he'd never delete them. Come on, who takes part in that and seriously thinks the man will actually delete them?

I'm sorry but he's utterly disgusting

No he's not. He's a man who enjoys watching a video of himself having sex.

Some guys just like to keep any gf they have on the back foot with stuff like this. The work hard to make their partners insecure in passive aggressive ways and this is one way of doing that

Are you serious?! So him keeping these videos = him doing so to make the OP insecure? What about when he was single, what was his reasons for keeping them then?

He also has a skewed view that he is still in control of his ex by keeping these type of videos.
One pp said fantastic memories...that's absolute bollocks

No, what you've just written is absolute bollocks. It is NOTHING to do with control. He keeps the videos so he can have a wank over him receiving a blowjob and having sex. I have videos of myself having sex with my partner - I don't watch them out of "control" I watch them because it's a turn on!

Fantastic memories are decent photos of family and friends not blow jobs!!!!

Speak for yourself. Watching a video of yourself receiving a blowjob is, to the majority of men, a fantastic memory to look at.

Come on, who takes part in that and seriously thinks the man will actually delete them?

Me. I sent pics and a video to an ex when I was at uni. We split up for years and then got back together. He hadn't kept any of the pics or videos after I asked him to delete them. Because he wasn't a prick. I really despair of the low expectations some women have of men.