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Original poster

OH has sex videos of ex

126 replies

lastnicknamefree · 31/10/2017 22:16

The title says it all really. I’ve been with my partner 9 months, when we first got together and I was being nosey (no excuse) I looked at his work phone and saw several home made videos of himself and his ex wife having sex or her giving him a BJ.
I wasn’t overly happy and we had a bit of a row over it, he was obviously annoyed I’d looked at his phone which is a valid point and I was concerned he wasn’t over her and using the videos to masterbate to which isn’t the nicest thought when it’s your new partner.
He said he’d delete them, I checked today (I know I shouldn’t but it’s been 6 months and I was curious) he still has them on his phone.
I didn’t think he would have. They’ve been apart 7 years now and I’m pretty certain he’s over her, but I’m not comfortable with the knowledge he’s getting off on their home made porn films or keeping them as some kind of trophy.
I’m not sure if I’m being a total prude and over reacting, or if I have right to be upset/annoyed and say something.
I’d appreciate thoughts, and yes I know I shouldn’t be checking his phone so that doesn’t exactly make blame free in the situation, but that aside how would you feel? Any and all thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 31/10/2017 23:04

I think it's really creepy that he seems insistent on keeping them and awful that he lied to you.

(Your faults accepted)

UGH.

Jellyheadbang · 01/11/2017 03:17

Dump him. It won't go away. I speak from experience of liars, the more you give the more they take until you start to question your sanity.
Why do you want to be with someone who has vids of him fucking his ex wife?
You found them for a reason, this is your chance to get out before it gets worse.

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2017 05:24

Yeah it's quite creepy of him to keep the videos really. I don't think you should be going through his phone either but as you have and you know he kept the videos then you know what kind of man he is

Charlie97 · 01/11/2017 06:18

Yuck!

DrumDrop · 01/11/2017 06:30

Sorry I’m with niki on this

Presumably these were made with consent of both people. He has done his best to keep them private. You’ve snooped and watched a video of him and his ex having sex (how nice for her to think his new girlfriend is watching her in such an intimate act).

You mentioned his teenage daughter and your worry about her seeing them. Presumably (like my DC) she wouldn’t ever pick up and scroll through her parents phones.

Your main issue seems to be that you are imagining him locked in the bathroom waking furiously to his ex....in reality, like niki, he’s kept them because he likes having a video of him fucking (the basic pervert in all of us) and because he’s keeping it for the warm and fuzzies in later life.

You have no right to tell him what he can and can’t keep privately on his own phone. It would have no impact on you at all if you had kept your nose out.

RainyApril · 01/11/2017 06:33

I wonder how many men do keep such videos and photos when a relationship ends. I expect quite a lot. Most would probably be cleverer about hiding them.

I know it was a horrible thing to find, but it is his past and I don't think you have the right to demand he delete them.

I imagine, having kept them so long, he did not want to permanently delete them for a gf who might be gone in a few months.

But of course you have every right not to be with someone who keeps such trophies.

LoverOfCake · 01/11/2017 06:44

I wonder how many of the "oh I'm so chilled about this and your crime of looking is worse than him keeping the video's" posters would be happy about their ex's having sex video's of them seven years after they'd split? You really want your ex's to be reliving sex with you after you've left them, presumably for very valid reasons?

While the OP isn't the one to tell him to delete the video's, that doesn't mean he isn't a creep for keeping them in the first place.

He will have changed his phone multiple times in seven years, let's not pretend that the video's are just there. Hidden secretly away. If he's had the ability to transfer them from phone to phone then he's had the ability to transfer them to a computer where they would have just been archived rather than among the video's and pictures of his kids.

Deleting or not deleting would be irrelevant, I would dump him on the basis he clearly has no respect for the past or for the mother of his children that he's happy to keep sex video's of her.

Lottie509 · 01/11/2017 06:48

Yuck hes gross, I would dump him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/11/2017 06:53

It is possible that he did delete them, but has has a phone with cloud sync enabled and it just keeps getting put back on?

thewooster · 01/11/2017 06:59

Yuck get rid of him.

Lottie509 · 01/11/2017 06:59

Also has he had that same phone for 7 years? Only the thought of him making the video and then moving it onto a new phone is even more creepy.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 07:27

In fairness if he's had iPhones for the last 7 years and it's synced to the cloud he won't be having to transfer them. But anyone who is stupid enough to have sex videos on their phone synced to the bloody cloud is not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I mean seriously... it's far too easy for something to go wrong there, and maybe he doesn't care whether other people see it but I'm sure his ex does.

Honestly, I thInk it's grim, but I'm more concerned about his attitude towards his partners and ex partners - wonder how she would feel if she knew he stil had these? Men keeping videos or photos after a breakup is not generally a good idea - I hope it wasn't an acrimonious split.

You obviously should not have looked on his phone, obviously. That's a really shitty thing to do - have been with my DH 10 years and I've never looked on his phone.

And if he really does want go keep them so he can reminisce in his dotage (oh, the beautiful nostalgia 🙄) then they should be saved somewhere that's not so accessible, to him and to other people.

Mostly I feel bad for his ex. I would be mortified if I broke up with someone and their new partner saw videos of me like that. Hideous.

It's been six months - I would ask him outright if he's deleted them or not.

Original poster
lastnicknamefree · 01/11/2017 07:34

It’s a very old phone, it’s possible he’s had it all that time. It has a lot of photos on from that period of time, of when his children were small.

It’s not his main phone but a seperate work one. I don’t think he’s moved the images myself, at a guess he’s either saved everything to sim and it’s transferred across or it’s the original phone.
The responses are interesting, being quite divided in opinion from ewww he’s gross dump him, to it’s his business and nothing to do with you, you’re actually worse for snooping.
Thanks you for all the replies

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 01/11/2017 07:35

Agree with DrumDrop - his phone, his business. It’s got nothing to do with you.

ShiftyMcGifty · 01/11/2017 07:40

"But that’s where I’d expect it to be left"

He has left his past in the past. It's you who has gone through his past again and dragged it back up.

Tell him so he can dump you. He can't trust you.

rumred · 01/11/2017 07:44

Nothing wrong with looking at a partners phone.

Unsettling to find the videos. Suggests he still watches them or holds a torch for her.
So you were right to look.
Hope you can talk to a trusted friend and decide what to do

Annoyed5678 · 01/11/2017 07:46

That must be some video if after 7 years he's still wanking too it. I think your being unreasonable demanding he deletes stuff off his phone

RainyApril · 01/11/2017 07:48

I think a lot of people are naive if they think men delete sex photos and videos when they break up with someone. That's why I think people are daft for taking them in the first place. Surely you know they could be out there forever, even after an acrimonious split?

Joysmum · 01/11/2017 07:48

He said he’d delete tgen

But he hasn’t. This isn’t just that he has the videos, he’s lied. If my dh was upset by something I’d have put it right then and there. Even if I hadn’t, this wouldn’t have immediately blown over so would still have been on his mind and he could have done it in the proceeding days. But he hasn’t.

LoverOfCake · 01/11/2017 07:48

Did he know that you were looking at the pictures of his kids? Because if he did then he essentially gave you the phone knowing what was on it.

Myheartbelongsto · 01/11/2017 07:52

He's probably wanking to them.

But bottom line is he still has them.

But if someone was looking through my phone for videos of my kids that would bother me far more.

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 07:52

Stunned that quite a few people here would have no problem with this. Just from the point of view of respect for his ex, keeping videos after you break up is dodgy as fuck. Yeah, I'm sure lots of women are naive and that ex partners have kept photos and videos of them, which says a lot about their character to be honest - not someone I would want to be with.

PsychedelicSheep · 01/11/2017 07:57

You can’t police someone’s wank bank though. He could be thinking about his ex or the England World Cup football squad in the showers, it’s his private business.

Teddy7878 · 01/11/2017 07:57

I think the moment you start snooping through a partner's phone without their permission then it's blatant you're not right for each other. I used to look through my ex's phone as I just had a feeling something wasn't right between us. I've never looked through my OH's phone as we are deeply in love and there's no insecurities there.
I do know that an ex of mine from years ago kept videos of us having sex on his computer even though he's had about 2-3 serious partners since then. He once admitted he still masturbated to them all the time and that really creeped me out.
I bet if you ask him to delete them he'll just make a copy on his computer or somewhere else that he can hide from you

RickOShay · 01/11/2017 07:58

I also don’t understand the horror of looking through his phone, op, I would talk to him again about it, explaining how it makes you feel. I wouldn’t be ok at all with this.