Battling on!

[lollipop7]

So I'm starting a new thread following on from 0I don't know what to do" as we're almost full.
Blimey! How did that happen!

Seems lots of you are rather ruddy marvellous and want to keep going on this journey with me so I'm opening a new chapter.
Will be back with a proper update later 💐

All sounds soooo much better news for you :) xxx

Thanks everyone.

Hope you’re all well and not getting snowed in, it’s Baltic here.

I spent last night deleting more photographs and binning love letters, and nice emails. I’m dreading going back to the house and having to sort through cards, all the photographs, the babies’ coming home outfits and treasure boxes with their cards, Hospital tags, first locks of hair and toys. It will be incredibly sad. I keep thinking i can’t t cry any more surely it’s impossible but then I discover otherwise.

It all feels a bit surreal. Am I normal in still feeling these things or am I a fool? I will never go back to him, I have gone beyond hating him for what he has done but I still have moments where the grief and desolation and longing for what I thought we were building is overwhelming.

I'm no expert but i'd say what you are feeling is entirely normal. You are grieving for what you thought you had not what your reality actually was. There's no shame in that at all. It's all just probably part of a process you have to go through mentally, emotionally, pychologically and physically in order to get through, process and survive to come out the other side, maybe not the person you once were but someone others look up to, admire and cheer on every step of the way. Keep going. Even on your shittest,lowest days. You are the total sum of you. Not him. Not ever him. He cannot define you. YOU define YOU and feeling how you do today and all the others to come is ok. Don't ever think otherwise.

You are doing incredibly well. Please try and enjoy your newborn and whatever will be will be

I'd say that's completely normal. Ime these type of men are very charming initially then through out at points, promise you the world then you get what you are now living Lollipop. It's perfectly acceptable to grieve the relationship that was promised/should have been. I'm so glad there have been some positives recently you deserve them.

Perfectly normal.

All those things are not just tagged with 'him'. They are you too, they are mementoes of YOUR life and history. Because of him, you're having to cut off small parts of your own memories. That is heartbreaking. You're (rightly) grieving for your own losses, not for anything to do with him.

The weekends are really shit
I'm either crying or arguing with my mum.
Just can't stay living here it's another person's feelings to deal with and I haven't got the headspace.
Hoping to arrange an emergency appointment for short term housing in this area whilst I apply for jobs.
No Legal Aid
No money
I've got help with a solicitor for this hearing on thursday then that is it as they say. I'll have to do it on my own. Whilst moving. And still not got a date for my furniture.

How I can do all this with three children under 4 is beyond me. I have a cluster feeding newborn and no idea where to start first.

Honestly I wonder I should just tell the social worker I can't do it all anymore.

Bleak.
Again.

it's worth speaking to woman's aid and looking at a refuge place with the specialist support that they have?

God no, op, please don't do that. I truly understand where you are coming from. I have done it, but it is absolutely not a recommended course of action. My gs2 had behavioural difficulties, I was being taken to court continually by the father of gs1 (over 40 appearances over the years) and I had had it.

I rang the social worker involved and told her to come and get the children and do it now. I yelled this to a stunned silence at her end. I told her I was sick of being inspected, sick of the whole bloody lot of them and to find some other mug.

An hour later when I had actually calmed down the phone rang. It was her little voice on the other end "Have you calmed down now Elsie...". She saw me at my vilest. But they are not all like that. When I think of the cafcass worker I think of Anjelica Houston in the Witches.

It must be hard living with your mum. Hard for her as well op. You are having a terrible day yet this week has seen some elements of light for you.

Is there a possibility of appealing the legal aid decision? It is so sad that the very people legal aid is supposed to protect and enable to access justice are those who are being punished.

I don't have to live with your mum op, but as intolerable as it feels now, she does have your back and is a source of support. Please take a deep breath.

I keep kidding myself that things will be alright and that I can keep doing it
But I can’t.

The Legal Aid is a joke, I scored 23 in the last DASH form but still not high risk enough, I should have been stupid enough to stay then I’ve have got it. It’s pathetic.

I can’t live with my mum anymore as I fee, humiliated. Yesterday her best friend and my aunt called the house whilst she was out. They to,d me she needed he relief back with her friends and one of them said that she’d been looking and that rents on this area weren’t too bad so what was the problem. My kids are driving my mum bonkers, I haven’t been able to re home the pets and she’s bailing me out in every conceivable way. Then naturally she gets resentful about some aspects of it all and I can’t find an ounce of empathy or time for her because this nightmare is swallowing me whole.

My children don’t get the best of me. They don’t get any of me. My daughter now calls her “mummy” and cries with me. My little boy is really clingy and totally disobedient.

Perhaps all this supposed to make me see I’m failing. I don’t do anything right or well.
Not feeling sorry for myself just seeing the cold hard facts.

I really can’t do it. It’s too much. I’m just too tired and so sad.

@RandomMess there is no capacity anywhere here in the refuges.
I can’t find anything accommodation wise near my Mum so I’m just going to try and find a job then move to where it is. I had a very good job before I earned almost 3k a month after stoppages so I need to believe in myself.

I wonder if living at home has made me needier than I am?

Its possible it has made you needier lovely. I reverted to my awful, teenage self when I moved back home for a couple of years with my dd. Not saying you are awful btw just that being at home is a weird dynamic when you go back.

Take a breath if you can. What's happening with your application for social housing?

Try and keep everything seperate in your head. Your housing and work situation is seperate and different to the contact issue. If you start thinking of them in the same way they become one massive problem you can't solve.

Ignore your dms friend and aunt. Opinions are like arseholes and every one has one. If your dm has an issue with you being there (which I bet she doesn't) she can discuss it with you. What she jas probably done is discuss with her friend that it is a change in dynamics you being there and friend and auntie have gossiped and drawn their own conclusions.

Deep breaths. 1 day at a time.

I bet your Mum has a much needed vent at them (like you do here) and she would be very angry that they've shared this with you!!! Venting helps you pick yourself up and carry on.

You have a newborn your hormones and flight/fight Adrenalin is in overload how you are feeling is understandable. Your Mum struggling is understandable too, ultimately she has your back and living with her isn't forever

It's possible Lollipop. Any more than four days with my parents and I can feel the life draining out of me and I start to lose my drive. Keep your eye on the horizon. You can do it!

Your Mum's friends are awful though. Have a chat with your Mum and see how she feels and talk her through your plan, if you haven't already.

I am no expert but I think you need to be reaching out to any help you can get right now ..... GP, SS, Women’s Aid - all of them!
Somebody has got to help you surely?

Seeing the social worker tomorrow. Perhaps a miracle will occur and she’ll make a difference. Probably not.

Mum has said I don’t need to leave and she doesn’t want me to but I feel a burden and humiliated. In top of everything else it’s just something else I don’t know where to start with.
Plus another week gone by and I still haven’t made my witness statement re the recordings or the updated original witness statement for my complaint.

We’re all poorly with horrible coughs and colds. I’m still bleeding and when o fainted I think I’ve cracked my elbow as it’s now swollen and throbbing.

Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Surely I’m due some good karma!

Oh bless you my lovely. I sincerely hope that the social worker can something positive tomorrow.
I know you can’t see it yourself but you are one incredibly strong woman. We can all see it here and you’ll look back one day and see it too.
You are quite simply, amazing

I don’t see it @rainbowstardrops I just see a big mess.
But I know I’d get a prize for fighting as hard as I have. That counts for something, I do know that.

Thank You though x

Don't look at the mountain ahead. One day at a time. Bite size chunks. You are doing so well < pink gin.

Hugs Lollipop! Hoping the social worker can help you x

I am not expecting a good outcome.
Nothing goes right.

Fingers and toes crossed for today. Will be thinking of you . Keep on keeping on. One small step at a time.

Sending positive vibes for today Lollipop - although I'm hoping that this sw isn't too speedy in writing up her reports as that will mean a peaceful Christmas for you won't it? I hope you and your Ds don't find it too stressful

Lollipop one day at a time.
Hopefully SW will have bigger priorities before Christmas. Good luck.

Lolli - I'm not sure if this is unhelpful/inappropriate - apologies if so, but a young woman I knew only a little was murdered last night by her partner and the father of her two very young children. I know things are so very tough for you right now and that there is no easy solution in sight but please, NEVER doubt that you have done the right thing in getting you and your dc away from your ex. I hope things have gone well with the SW.