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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a total mess-money related-messed up big time

118 replies

inamess0111 · 31/10/2017 13:21

I don't really know where to start with this, it is such a mess and I am feeling sick, anxious, unable to function with thoughts of ending everything.

I got myself into a huge mess with debt, 31k, this has built over the last 10 years, not earning enough on mat leave, transferring balances onto 0% credit cards, minimum payments and never making any headway. All of this has been secret from my DH who covers the household bills, is absolutely amazing and the longer it has gone on, the more heartbreaking the thought of telling him has been.

I don't know what I was thinking, that something would come along and make the problem go away...I have finally cracked, I am in a position where I am earning decent money and he wants to remortgage the house onto a fixed rate and all of this is going to spiral out of control.

I confessed all to my mum a month ago and she has given me 25k. All of this has been paid off the debt leaving 6k outstanding but with the length of time I am waiting for credit reports to update I am worried this will all come spilling out in the mortgage application. I also lied about a pay rise saying I only got it this month when questioned about my earnings, I actually got it a few months ago and am going to have to tell him this when I give him copies of my payslips for the mortgage.

I am so so ashamed that I let the mess get this big and have lied and deceived. He is everything to me and I know I am really at absolute total risk of losing everything over this. We have 2 beautiful DC and he is the love of my life.

I don't know how long I can hold off waiting for the credit reports to update. I am on the brink of a breakdown, struggling to keep everything together, can't eat, can't sleep. He knows I am stressed at work and tearful but this is obviously a whole other level.

I just don't think I can tell him.

I know I am not the only person to be in this situation and I honestly have learnt my lesson and would never ever get into debt again. This has been at the back of my mind for so many years and I feel I am getting to a point where it is nearly resolved but how can our relationship be healthy with this hanging over me...?

OP posts:

Sunshineandshopping · 01/11/2017 18:59

Now plan together for more financial transparency and joint control to avoid this happening again. Get ynaab or something

EnoughisEnough1204 · 01/11/2017 19:06

You need to tell him everything. My ex husband did this and the worst part was him telling me bits of the truth and then me finding out there was more. The stress of it all nearly broke me and certainly broke our marriage.

chocdog · 01/11/2017 19:21

Well done OP.
As long as you are honest with each other from now on you will be OK.
You have made mistakes with money and tried to cover it up. But at least you have come clean now. You have also worked hard, taken time off to look after two little kids gone back full time and now earn a good salary again. That is not easy and is a real achievement. Onwards and upwards.
I still think your DH should be asking himself why you were scared to talk to him. It takes two to screw up honest communication.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 01/11/2017 19:28

I'd have left DH if he had done this. Had he of let me shoulder all the bills and racked up that amount of debt when having minimal outgoing and then hid it for years would have shattered all trust and respect.

I agree with him re you paying your mum back, you'll learn nothing if you don't.

How can you not know what each other earns yet claimed benefits together??

wannabestressfree · 01/11/2017 19:31

I wonder if he has gone off the deep end due to his own lack of financial transparency? What did he get the loan for again?

Use this time now to plan the future and have a look at both accounts. You have to do this :) well done though and I bet you feel ten stone lighter!

Waspyhell · 01/11/2017 19:36

I honestly don't get marriages like this. You were on maternity leave- be default you therefore had less money and yet didn't work together to get through it? You say that it's your fault because you didn't save up for maternity leave, but why is that exclusively your responsibility OP?
In my marriage we've had tough times financially. I suspect that many parents do- children are expensive! However, every step of the way has been dealt with together by us both. We spend the money that WE have. All of our income is joint, household money. Sometimes in our 20+ years together I have been the higher earner and sometimes he has. It doesn't matter a jot because all that we have, we share. It's in the vows!!

LoveProsecco · 01/11/2017 19:36

Well done

Desmondo2016 · 01/11/2017 19:41

How do YOU feel? Well done btw.

reetgood · 01/11/2017 19:54

His reaction is understandable and a good outcome I think. I truly hope you can work together to improve your situation going forward x

Original poster

inamess0111 · 01/11/2017 20:08

Well I just feel that it is done now. It is good not to feel its hanging over me any more. I managed to tell him without getting too emotional about it. I did cry obviiously. He has asked to see the remaining debt as proof that's what I owe. I showed him.

I feel sick still.

He has said what a waste of money and the things we could have done. I said I know. I'm sorry.

I think there will no doubt be more discussions as time passes.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 01/11/2017 20:20

But you did do things with it.... you said you had some holidays, made up the deficit whilst on maternity leave etc. You don’t have an addiction eg gambling or drugs. What did his loan money go on?

Iflyaway · 01/11/2017 20:21

it's the lies and deceipt that has broken me.

This is my bottom line too.

Trying really hard to block a relationship that is in its 13th year.

We are both single parents of a child - that has made it all the harder... because our families are so entwined.

Sorry, no advice, just wanted to give my perspective.

GreenTulips · 01/11/2017 20:22

Whilst that's true, your earning power has risen by he debt amount - so effectively it's only 1 years pay.

Not many people could say that

KimmiTaylor · 01/11/2017 20:25

tell him, he loves you as much as you love him, be honest, that’s the best policy, be brave and confide in him. the weight off your shoulders will be immense! i promise

GreenTulips · 01/11/2017 20:32

She had

Sunshineandshopping · 01/11/2017 21:29

The deceit was wrong, and that is on you.
BUT
The lack of shared financial planning and resources is what got you into this living beyond your means mess in the first place and that is on BOTH of you, don’t fall on your sword for that.

flutterby77 · 02/11/2017 02:47

Well done OP. It must be a relief to not have that hanging over you any more.

BadHatter · 02/11/2017 03:41

The waste of money comment - family money btw - probably came from all of the family money she was wasting just on interest.

He’s right. What a complete waste of money. That money to pay off CC interest could have gone to retirement funds, kid’s savings accounts, home equity. Instead, it was wasted.

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