In a total mess-money related-messed up big time

[inamess0111]

I don't really know where to start with this, it is such a mess and I am feeling sick, anxious, unable to function with thoughts of ending everything.

I got myself into a huge mess with debt, 31k, this has built over the last 10 years, not earning enough on mat leave, transferring balances onto 0% credit cards, minimum payments and never making any headway. All of this has been secret from my DH who covers the household bills, is absolutely amazing and the longer it has gone on, the more heartbreaking the thought of telling him has been.

I don't know what I was thinking, that something would come along and make the problem go away...I have finally cracked, I am in a position where I am earning decent money and he wants to remortgage the house onto a fixed rate and all of this is going to spiral out of control.

I confessed all to my mum a month ago and she has given me 25k. All of this has been paid off the debt leaving 6k outstanding but with the length of time I am waiting for credit reports to update I am worried this will all come spilling out in the mortgage application. I also lied about a pay rise saying I only got it this month when questioned about my earnings, I actually got it a few months ago and am going to have to tell him this when I give him copies of my payslips for the mortgage.

I am so so ashamed that I let the mess get this big and have lied and deceived. He is everything to me and I know I am really at absolute total risk of losing everything over this. We have 2 beautiful DC and he is the love of my life.

I don't know how long I can hold off waiting for the credit reports to update. I am on the brink of a breakdown, struggling to keep everything together, can't eat, can't sleep. He knows I am stressed at work and tearful but this is obviously a whole other level.

I just don't think I can tell him.

I know I am not the only person to be in this situation and I honestly have learnt my lesson and would never ever get into debt again. This has been at the back of my mind for so many years and I feel I am getting to a point where it is nearly resolved but how can our relationship be healthy with this hanging over me...?

Tell him. He will be hurt, angry, feel betrayed. But he may also have empathy for you and will be able to see what you are doing to repair it.

I speak as someone who did not tell their husband until the bailiffs were about to come knocking at our door and we lost our home as a result.

It was my fault in that I failed to fully communicate the situation to Dh with regards to our finances as I felt because he was the main earner following my maternity leaves and then mutually agreed unemployment due to raising the children, I couldn’t say to him ‘we can’t afford that’. He had earned his money and deserved to be able to spend at least some on what he wanted.

However, that has been and done and fingers crossed we are able to get through it. But I’m very conscious of spending now.

I cannot believe the number of posters who are minimising the OP's part in this and trying to hold her DH responsible. So if a man had run up huge debts because the OP was on mat leave and he was single-handedly responsible for the family finances would people be saying she was partly responsible because she should have been out there earning instead of him running up debts? No didn't think so. .

I agree with @bluntness100 that that letter is a load of emotionally overloaded claptrap designed to garner the DH's sympathy because clearly he should be understanding how sorry she is, so sorry that she's considered ending it all and leaving him a widow and his children motherless and how much she just neeeeeeds his forgiveness .

The comparisons with sexual infidelity are absolutely spot-on - go and have a look at the relationships boards, and the amount of weeping and wailing partners do when they're caught shagging someone else, how they promise that it meant nothing, minimise over and over and over about their part in it all, and even the ones who go to a hotel and tell their partners that they just want to end it all. It's not the act that is comparable, it's the response to being caught out.

I can absolutely see how one could get caught up in paying for things on a credit card rather than debit card over time. I can absolutely see how you might do it once and then realise that that means there is money left over in the account for other things. But we're talking £31k here over a period of ten years. And no, that is not all going to be interest. But it's all been lies and deception and cover ups and more lies (about the pay rise) which I am certain the OP had absolutely no intentions of telling her husband about ever.

And if the OP's husband files for divorce off the back of this revelation then they'll be selling the house and her share of the equity will be going towards covering the debt which is the cause of the split.

"Tell him. He will be hurt, angry, feel betrayed. But he may also have empathy for you and will be able to see what you are doing to repair it." and what has the OP done to repair it? Oh yes that's right, she's borrowed more money. Except she's borrowed it from someone who isn't going to ask for it back, but it's borrowing none the less.

Honestly this is not my DH's fault at all. Nor did i ever say it was and will not blame him for any of this. I have been unbelievably stupid and should have faced up to it years ago. I know that.

31k is a huge amount of money. I also did not ask my mother for money. If she hadn't been in a position to give me the money i would have had to pay it off the long and hard way. As it is she has given me a lifeline and i will be eternally grateful for that.

I am not minimising that this is absolutely my fault and mine alone.

She had paid the vast amount off and freed up £1000 a month

what's done is done and only her DH can decide how to take things forward

Yeah, I’d have issues with the fact you took the money off your parent with no intention of paying it back (it’s irrelevant that she wants it or not, the point is you have no desire or intention to pay her back) rather than tell me your spouse. I’d be ashamed of you and for me that that’s what our marriage was and that’s how you portrayed it to others.

That coupled with ten years of deceit and then the doing something as major as taking twenty five grand off your mum without discussing it with me, with no intention of paying it back, then underplaying it when you tell me and playing the emotional black mail card, I would end our relationship. If you were honest, it would maybe, just maybe, work it through with you, but thr continual lies, and taking would probably end it for me.

However I have never ever met a couple who don’t even know what each other earn, who have children together and will either lie about how much they earn or keep it secret from one another , so yout normal is very very far from mine. We have our own accounts, as well as A joint account, but we have no secrets, and salary is basic knowledge. I’m struggling to believe you are actually bringing up children together in this secretive and deceptive environment you’ve both created.

I think the problem is probably due to the dynamics between you. My H in the past has gone into a strop if I’ve said we can’t affird something, not great I know and when in a relationship like this you can end up doing stuff to keep the peace. I think many in relationships are embarrassed to say they haven’t got enough money for this that or the other, it’s not healthy but it happens. I do think OP you should have spoken up well before this level, but surely he can’t be oblivious to the fact you had little money coming in for quite a period, does he think there is a unicorn cash tree in the garden!!

I'm not saying the OP hasn't screwed up majorly. But it's utterly bizarre to me that they chose to have babies together and somehow she's supposed to continue paying the same despite taking maternity leave and reducing hours. It was a very screwed up financial agreement between two people raising a family together.

He covers all the 'bills' and has done since mat leave number 1. I have paid for food, clothes for myself and the children, holidays (some of) and my own expenses like petrol, phone etc. Also tax and insurance for car and child related expenses like clubs, activities etc.

The cost of childcare i paid but we got tax credits back for some of that at the time.

I have gone from earning 15k when returning from mat leave to 43k now hence why i can now pay the remainder off (particularly now I'm not paying 1k a month in repayments).

I really do understand all viewpoints on this. I don't want to play the victim.

FWIW I just asked my DP for his take on this as I was kinda on the fence about it. His take was that he'd be hurt and upset that I felt I couldn't come to him sooner about it so we could sort it as a team, but he couldn't imagine being angry at me over it (unless I'd been living the high life!) and in his words "it wouldn't be the end of the world".

I really hope your chat with your DH goes well OP.

Thanks Tangledslinky that gives me some hope. I certainly haven't been living the high life.

Yes you need to be honest with him but I don't understand all these comments that it will come out in the mortgage application process. From your post it doesn't sound like you have any defaults. When we remortgaged (same lender though) no one asked us anything at all. Didn't even need to provide payslips.

Even if you are going with a new lender surely you just put the application in and they say yes or no. I have never been interrogated over 6k of credit card debt.

I don't have any defaults. We are remortgaging with the same lender but have been told we need to do the affordability check again for the fixed rate.
Our mortgage is 132k and house is worth 380k so it shouldn't be an issue but obviously we have to be honest in the application. Credit reports only update once a month so are currently showing the 31k of debt. These should update in a couple of days as 25k was paid off a month ago but sometimes it can take longer to update.

Gosh, is this really such a very big deal?

You had separate finances. How you managed yours was up to you. You majorly fucked yours up, which is really shit for you, but luckily you got an advance on your inheritance which bailed you out, and you can pay the rest soon.

Yes, it's a bummer if it costs you a bit extra on your interest rate, but hardly the crime of the century, is it?

I say this as the one who has always controlled the finances in the house and gets irate if dh causes us to incur a penalty charge due to an oversight leading to a late payment. But that is because we have joint finances, which is his choice as well as mine. If we had separate finances he could waste his own money on as many interest charges as he wanted, I would think it stupid but his problem not mine.

If he then came to me and asked me for help in sorting out his situation I might be a bit pissed off, but the OP isn't doing that, she has sorted it out herself (with the help of her mum).

I think it’s very odd that you could not approach your husband instead of your CC? Perhaps he isn’t as sweet as you think.

However

I also find it odd that you have not updated your mortgage for 8 years?

You did say the debt was built up over 8 years?

So strange

Gosh, is this really such a very big deal?

As pp have said. Yes it is.

OP wouldn't have said anything if the mortgage wasn't being looked at.

Come clean and ask for his forgiveness for being deceitful?

It’s not the debt but the hurtful hiding it away and telling your parent, keeping it from him etc

That’s the bit that would do my head in

Good luck :)

I’ve be useless with money and still have a credit card debt that DP knows about but doesn’t know the balance on/how much I pay/how long it’ll take to be paid off and it’s stressful.

You’ve done really well to never default on the debt and to keep paying every month. It would be a completely different story if your credit rating was a mess.

Concentrate on the next 6 months, and getting to the time you’ll be debt free - that will make a massive difference to you both mentally and financially.

You have resolved it (with the exception of 6k) and whilst it was a poor management of money, maybe a little deceitful - it wasn't intentional and he will see that

I have PM’d you.

I really feel for you as debt is incredibly stressful and the worry must be eating away at you.

But I am afraid that you do need to be honest. I knew my DH had incurred some debt but he hid the full amount and the seriousness of it until it got to the stage where he had no choice but to tell me. I was devastated, not just because it put us in a precarious financial difficulty, but also because I saw it as a breach of trust.

I seriously considered leaving and our relationship was very rocky but we were able to rebuild our relationship. It was bloody tough and did resent him at times but we have got through it together and as soon as he was honest we could sit down together and work out a way to deal with the debt.

Good luck, it will be tough, and he will no doubt be hurt but he will be more hurt if you continue with the cover stories

You can't have completely separate finances as a married couple. Its a financial union and one spouses financial problems are the other's as the mortgage issue proves.

It is the failure to disclose early that is the problem. It should have been disclosed and addressed together earlier. If you were not getting enough money, he should have been told. If you were overspending, you should have been accountable to him for that.

I don't think it is that serious thanks to your mother bailing you out. Everyone has lied to their husbands, it is the motive that determines if it is a betrayal. There are no sinister motives here. You got into bother, didn't want to tell him because you thought you could handle it and it spiraled. He should see that.

I would be more disappointed that I wasn't told than angry about it.

I totally sympathise OP. My situation is similar but slightly different in that I have totally supported my husband financially for nearly 15 years and in the last three with childcare and other child related costs and a large mortgage to pay I've also now got credit card/personal loan debt. Not as high as yours but still significant. He also has no idea. He is finally earning very good money and I know we can cover this debt but as part of that discussion we need to address our financial future and possibly the future of our relationship. He's got no idea his much our outgoings are, he never opens bills etc. I manage all of the household expenses which has to change. I'm not a big spender and he knows that but I am also aware that the not telling him about the situation and concealing the money issues will be the massive hurdle we need to work out if we can get through. I plan to sit down and discuss this with him in the next week or two and am fully expecting a very uncomfortable time as he processes this. We have other relationship issues as you can tell from the fact I've financially supported him for this amount of time, I have my own resentments that he also needs to address for us to move forward.

I do agree with other posters who say that you both need to sit down and work out why you have not shared financial information with each other before. I don't believe this can be compared with an affair, you were supporting your family not running up gambling debts. Don't be emotional about this, let him know you are ashamed and embarrassed but don't tell him you were thinking of ending your life. You need to fully disclose what has been going on and the amounts involved. Can you put a spreadsheet together to show where the money went and what costs were incurred? Also what your plan is to move forward financially. My plan is to restructure how we pay our bills so we each have our own account where our salaries go in and then a joint account where bills come out of plus a joint savings account that we will both pay into.

I've told him. Very shocked at the amount and insists I pay my mum back every penny. He asked lots of questions about why so much and how...
But he is ok. Says we will be ok.

Says he can't believe I didn't tell him before now. I think this is going to take a lot of time to get over.

Well done op you have done the right thing coming totally clean