In a total mess-money related-messed up big time

[inamess0111]

I don't really know where to start with this, it is such a mess and I am feeling sick, anxious, unable to function with thoughts of ending everything.

I got myself into a huge mess with debt, 31k, this has built over the last 10 years, not earning enough on mat leave, transferring balances onto 0% credit cards, minimum payments and never making any headway. All of this has been secret from my DH who covers the household bills, is absolutely amazing and the longer it has gone on, the more heartbreaking the thought of telling him has been.

I don't know what I was thinking, that something would come along and make the problem go away...I have finally cracked, I am in a position where I am earning decent money and he wants to remortgage the house onto a fixed rate and all of this is going to spiral out of control.

I confessed all to my mum a month ago and she has given me 25k. All of this has been paid off the debt leaving 6k outstanding but with the length of time I am waiting for credit reports to update I am worried this will all come spilling out in the mortgage application. I also lied about a pay rise saying I only got it this month when questioned about my earnings, I actually got it a few months ago and am going to have to tell him this when I give him copies of my payslips for the mortgage.

I am so so ashamed that I let the mess get this big and have lied and deceived. He is everything to me and I know I am really at absolute total risk of losing everything over this. We have 2 beautiful DC and he is the love of my life.

I don't know how long I can hold off waiting for the credit reports to update. I am on the brink of a breakdown, struggling to keep everything together, can't eat, can't sleep. He knows I am stressed at work and tearful but this is obviously a whole other level.

I just don't think I can tell him.

I know I am not the only person to be in this situation and I honestly have learnt my lesson and would never ever get into debt again. This has been at the back of my mind for so many years and I feel I am getting to a point where it is nearly resolved but how can our relationship be healthy with this hanging over me...?

I don’t think he needs the emotional blackmail of you having thought of ending it all - that places even more of a burden on him than you’re already giving him with the fact that you’ve been hiding this from him for years.

And yes I find it very strange that you would be this massively wound up about the outcome of these split finances... when you don't even know what he earns??

Really op the actual problem here is that you two sound like you do not share basic facts about money with each other. Of course you'd run up debt, he'd take out a loan without telling you, etc. It sounds like you don't have any routine sharing of financial information in your family, at what point would you come out with any of this?

My partner and I don't shared finances but then we don't live together and problem never will, so it doesn't really matter.

But there are risks inherent in having no routine financial chat in place, when you are married and live in common...

Ok thanks for the feedback, you are right. I am going to have a think and a redraft. Obviously he will see I'm upset but yes we will need to move on from this either way.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented.

Yes that is fine but he needs to acknowledge that there should have been more transparency from the beginning. It's not totally your fault, although obviously it shouldn't have happened as it did

No he doesn't.

It was my exH tried to put part if the blame on me.

It is not her DH fault.

Bloke here. I don't think this is in the affair ballpark. It was not a premeditated plan of deception, more weakness and disorganisation over a long period. You did not spend it on rent boys and booze, or even worse, squander it.

You should tell your DH. He has form himself, and will be annoyed, but it should pass. Fortunately your mum has already dealt with most of the problem. In the longer term you have to be far more transparent with each other financially so this doesn't happen again.

I would also say tell your OH

My oh owed £900 on an electric bill because apparently they cancelled the direct debit. I was more upset he didn't tell me /share something like that, and to be honest it just makes me wonder what else he 'can't' tell me 😥
He also won't give me access to his bank account which is silly as he never buys anything for him self, and has no hobbies so I do get cross / upset that he's hiding stuff from me

Re letter:

It’s too self pitying and presents a problem, without asking for help or proposing how to fix things.

Some great advice I once received: forget the story. What is the outcome you want to achieve?

You can’t undo things, so the outcome is the best possible within the context of where you are

• you want to stay together. Unfortunately you can’t guarantee this. You can however guve him this information so that he can make that decision.
• you want to fix things. How will you change things so they are different?
• you want him to have this information from you

Want do you want him to know?

• you had/have debt
• this was paid off through a loan from your mother (beware, this is probably not going to be good news to him but you need to outline it)
• you are massively extraordinarily sorry for keeping this concealed and not revealing this earlier
• your plan to pay off the remaining debt is x
• you want to make sure this never happens again, and to do that you will need him to be willing to work with you to make sure this never happens again.
• here is how you think you can make sure this doesn’t happens again (you work together to create a joint budget that includes ALL your income and outgoings, you work as a team, you communicate with each other about finances even though you find it hard because you are determined to not ever be in this situation again)
• here is how you think you can remortgage, but it may be that you will have to delay a few months
• you understand that this is a big shock and you are fully committed to putting things right. You will need to change how you do things to make it better. You understand that it make take him some time to process this information.

If I read the letter with all the self recrimination as a partner, although I understand it’s genuine I would think ‘well thanks for that emotional hit and run’. You need to propose solutions and take your part of the responsibility for fixing this. I agree this isn’t your fault entirely - you have some serious issues about money and communication in your relationship. You need to fix those otherwise this will Just happen again.

Sorry, you have lied and manipulated the people closest to you to cover your deceit and overspending. Getting that far into debt and then bringing your poor mum in your marital finances to bail you out to the tune of £25k, because you couldn’t to come clean to your dh, before chucking in a suicide threat to cover your abhorrent behaviour would be unforgivable for me.

This isn’t a mistake it has been calculated ongoing deceit for years.

Realistically you don’t have any options left than full disclosure so he knows what he is dealing with and hope he forgives you. Show him some respect by dropping the woe is me lines. You’ve fucked up big time, pure and simple.

My sil did this to a similar amount before she confessed and my bil tried to get past it for the dc, but 3 years later they bitterly divorced.

And work out how to pay your mum back.

I think the letter is fine

I think you should give him all of the facts. He deserves that. How much you owed, how much is left, how much has been given by your Mum, the pay rise, everything.
And I agree that the emotional stuff at the beginning of your draft letter is emotionally manipulative.

I agree that you need to tell him before it all comes out and what do you mean by credit files updating? You do know that defaults stay on your file for 6 years?, even if paid off

But wait a minute, if it is all devt acrued due to you pating for essentials (nappies, petrol etc) then something weird is going on.

Why was your DH not ever partially responsible for these basic costs?

It shows he has not been contributing enough?

Maybe you did not handle it well. But was there a reason you could not tell your DH that your joint income did not cover the basics?!

She means she is waiting for the debts to show as settled in full, which takes time

(Op my comment here is not directed at you but to explain why for me huge secret debt accumulated over years and infidelity amount to the same thing) me the issue with infidelity or running up huge debts in secret is the same, the lies and deceit, the huge breach of trust. A relationship is founded on trust, without that there is nothing.
OP I think given you know nothing of your husbands finances you should not be to hard on yourself about the pay rise side of things. Let’s hope his motivation for remortgaging is not his secret debt!

You poor thing . I think after the initial upset you will be surprised how well he takes it.

I am so sorry you are in this mess OP. You're not the first woman to get into financial difficulties thanks to pregnancy and maternity leave and part time low paid work.
Please tell your DH as soon as possible. It will be such a weight off your mind.
I can't help wondering why you could not ask him for help earlier when your kids were babies? Were you scared of his moods? He must have had a part to play in the lack of communication in your marriage.
Hope it all works out for you OP. Once it's all out in the open, things should get better for your family and you. Good luck.

Honestly ? Yes the debt and the lying is bad, but I’d dump your arse immediately for that emotionally manipulative letter, where you fail to tell me just how much you took off your own mother, and down play it to six grand and say how it’s all going to be ok.

I think you fail to understand he is absolutely going to find out. All this suicidal and our wonderful life shit, honestly I’d have you gone. It’s lying by ommision and and it would be one lie too far for me.

I’d be honest with him. Not just lie some more. I mean seriously??

If you want to strive for complete financial transparency, that has to start with coming clean in the letter about:

• the size of the debt
• how you paid such a large chunk off.

There's no point hiding from this, get it all out there in one go. I would start with a less emotional opening paragraph - I would assume reading that that you were about to admit to an affair, why give him that distress as well?

I don't think you should offer to give him control of the finances. You're not a child, you can learn to manage your money properly. I do suspect that part of the problem was that you were carrying the burden for all child-related expenses whilst on a reduced amount of income, which was a fault on both sides at the time.

I would actually be most concerned with how you stop your debt spiralling again now you've been bailed out. Without addressing the behaviour that got you into the mess in the first place, it's a risk. That's what you need to work on together.

Hopefully he will see that you made a mistake, rather than set out to deceive him. I think you will feel relieved when you get it out in the open.

I'm not sure I could get over this, its such a huge deceit. I think it would be better to talk to him

I think you need to consider why you kept all this from him and over such a long period of time. Surely when on maternity leave your finances should have been worked out jointly

I’m not sure why you’re apologising for not contributing to family finances while on mat leave and when childcare costs were high? These should be shared costs.
I think I’d say it started when the girls were young and your mat leave and salary barely covered childcare, and it spiralled from there. I think he will sympathise with that.
But I agree you need to say how much the total debt was and that your mother has given you £25K that’s she doesn’t want back

He must realise you were financing necessities above the amount of income you had coming in. I don't think you are the only one burying your head in the sand.

However surely over the years you have had conversations about affordability . .. DH and I do all the time!! Can we afford the new car, shall we book an extra holiday, shall redecorate the living room etc... I wonder if it's the associated dishonesty that is actually more of an issue as there simply must have been times when you've lied or lied by omission to him.

Are you planning to give him the letter tonight? As you are feeling so bad I suggest getting it out the way

There is never going to be a right time to tell him, so get it over with. I would just give him the facts and say sorry and ask him if he will help you to work together in the future. I agree if he has savings it makes absolutely no sense if you were running up debts for essentials. You need to jointly look at your income and out going payments

Surely in a positive note, now the dept is almost cleared and you have a 'spare £1000' each month (when the last £6K is paid) then you will be a lot bette riff as a family?

Why are you remortgaging? Is it a better deal or fornextra money?

Thanks again all.

I'm not doing it tonight. He works nights and is in bed currently. I've just got the children to bed. I need to pick a time when we have time alone. Maybe tomorrow if not it will probably be Friday night so we have the weekend to talk if needed.

I am digesting everything that has been said here and I can't predict what's going to happen but appeeciate the need to be completely honest.

I was in no way trying to be manipulative in my draft of the letter. I guess i am just so caught up in the emotion of it all and wanting it to be alright... it is what it is and one way or another it needs to be faced up to.

Thank you all again for listening.