In a total mess-money related-messed up big time

[inamess0111]

I don't really know where to start with this, it is such a mess and I am feeling sick, anxious, unable to function with thoughts of ending everything.

I got myself into a huge mess with debt, 31k, this has built over the last 10 years, not earning enough on mat leave, transferring balances onto 0% credit cards, minimum payments and never making any headway. All of this has been secret from my DH who covers the household bills, is absolutely amazing and the longer it has gone on, the more heartbreaking the thought of telling him has been.

I don't know what I was thinking, that something would come along and make the problem go away...I have finally cracked, I am in a position where I am earning decent money and he wants to remortgage the house onto a fixed rate and all of this is going to spiral out of control.

I confessed all to my mum a month ago and she has given me 25k. All of this has been paid off the debt leaving 6k outstanding but with the length of time I am waiting for credit reports to update I am worried this will all come spilling out in the mortgage application. I also lied about a pay rise saying I only got it this month when questioned about my earnings, I actually got it a few months ago and am going to have to tell him this when I give him copies of my payslips for the mortgage.

I am so so ashamed that I let the mess get this big and have lied and deceived. He is everything to me and I know I am really at absolute total risk of losing everything over this. We have 2 beautiful DC and he is the love of my life.

I don't know how long I can hold off waiting for the credit reports to update. I am on the brink of a breakdown, struggling to keep everything together, can't eat, can't sleep. He knows I am stressed at work and tearful but this is obviously a whole other level.

I just don't think I can tell him.

I know I am not the only person to be in this situation and I honestly have learnt my lesson and would never ever get into debt again. This has been at the back of my mind for so many years and I feel I am getting to a point where it is nearly resolved but how can our relationship be healthy with this hanging over me...?

It was Greentulips. I just wished I had faced up to it years ago.
The point in remortgaging is to fix before interests rates rise which he is worried about. I wish I could just put it off for a few months and he need never find out. But he is asking for copies of payslips etc and my stomach churns every time. I have had to order copies so waiting for them to come but it's only a matter of time...

It is likely he will be absolutely furious/hurt and non-communicative. We don't really argue but it will be excrutiatingly tense and stressful for quite some time if he finds out. He may leave me which has been my fear all along.

When you get your credit report it will show all the debts you've recently paid off. The mortgage company is also likely to want to know where you got £25k from and proof that you don't need to pay it back. You could (I expect) consolidate the remainder of your debt into your mortgage but even more reason you need to be upfront.

I feel for you. I had debts of about half your original amount and I was so stressed with it.

I managed to get them on zero interest, but that affects your credit rating.

This was years ago, but I know just how you feel.

Do you know what your husband does with his money? So he may have happily been paying in to a pension and have other savings and investments. However, you were running up debts for what seems every day needs eg nappies and child care. So instead of asking your husband to contribute more to family costs, you ran up credit cards that incurred big interest payments. I assume you also spent some money on luxuries too eg holidays, presents etc. There seems to be a total lack of communication in your relationship and a lack of respect and trust. I would come totally clean. Secondly are you going to pay your mother back? Your husband may not be happy with borrowing money from someone else. Why don't you have access to joint family money?

I don't think one can equate this to infidelity, but that's a whole other conversation.

Having sex with another man or woman is in no way comparable to getting into debt.

I have been in your position too and I feel for you. It’s actually prevented me from moving in with my partner until I clear it- it’s my responsibility.
Big hugs x

Please tell him. I was actually in a mortgage interview (observing for work) and I saw a guy realise that his wife has serious debt. He never knew about it till that point. The poor man looked devastated and the woman was in bit. I felt so sorry for both of them. Please be honest. It won’t be as bad as you think. The letter is a good idea. Let him come to terms with it first and avoid hasty reactions

'Having sex with another man or woman is in no way comparable to getting into debt.'

Breach of trust.

I know someone who got into over fifty grands worth of debt. God knows what the money went on. Keeping up with friends to remain popular I suspect. Just living five grand or so beyond their means year after year. Taking out another loan to consolidate all the previous loans again and again. Don't know, I'm guessing.

At most marriage vow renewal ceremonies people try and guess who cheated. Um, doesn't always involve infidelity.

Which isn't the case here.

However, the PP who remarked on the debt was taken out to fund things for the children means there's next to no communication between the OP and her husband.

Sorry, I smell a rat i.e. come on, where has the money, certainly most of the money gone ?

Lets face it. It's not really about the money is it ? It's about all the deceit that's taken place that is about to come out.

Are you being honest with yourself PP ?

Once this is out in the open and things have settled what's the likelihood of you relapsing ?

What's your view on sticking to a budget ? Is that all about being good ? Like a dieter or recovering alcoholic staying on the wagon ?

Honestly there isn't really anything to show for it, a couple of holidays and spending money...it really was totally burying head in sand and it got completely out of control. Plus just spending a bit too much, putting food shopping on there etc...

I am 100% certain that it will not happen again. My habits have changed completely whilst servicing the debt I have reduced my spending and am happy with sticking to a budget. I just want us to be able to do that together.

I don't really know how/where he spends his money as I don't have access to his bank account. I know there is enough that everything is covered. I feel incredibly naive. For all I know he feels the same way.

I am in tears at work today over this. I know I can't go on like this. I have to take the kids trick or treating when I get home tonight. I suppose there will never be a good time to do it. I am going to have to gear myself up to it... I am so terrified of his reaction.

The debt - all of it - will come out during the mortgage application process if not before. You absolutely have to tell him, OP. It's the only chance of saving your marriage.

OP, I have been here however not as much.

You need to be honest with him and tell him. You'll feel a lot better and you will probably be surprised at his reaction.

I agree with PP that say he is partly to blame. Not taking the responsibility from me but when I look back now he controlled all finances and I never had anything for myself.
In my situation I racked up these debts, maxed out the cards and realised I didn't love my partner and the money spending was to disguise it. When I came out and told him he was so angry at first and didn't want to speak to me, but after he realised it was better to work through it together.

Please don't bury your head under the sand any longer, it'll only make it worse. I wish I'd done it sooner.

You're not the first person to have been in this position and you certainly won't be the last!

It sounds like you've been living parallel lives financially ... each not knowing who is making what and where the money is going. He should have been open and ensuring you had enough to cover family costs, especially during maternity leaves and reduced hours so you can be there more for the children.

And if it was alright for him to take out a loan without a discussion, frankly, he has no business going off the deep end regarding your money problems which you have been actively trying to sort out.

You both need to sit down and calmly and figure out how you're going to move forward sharing income and expenses, because is actually sounds like it's been quite unbalanced.

It's the interest that makes the debt so high for this who think the OP has bought and spent thousands.

It all also depends on how you conduct your finances. Not all couples pool their money together...or request permission to spend ... or even know why the other earns. Thete I'd no rule thst this needs to be the case ... but it's a very clear vow and promise to remain faithful.

I know that finances are the largest cause of marital breakdowns, so I don't take it lightly ... but like the OP ...much of my debt accrued during and after maternity leave ... and you just feel like your drowning.

It's not that easy to understand how it confess about..unless you're in a certain type of relationship.

Thanks BewareofDragons

I think you are absolutely right but I don't want to put the blame on him. I think it is a good way of explaining how it all started and spiralled though and how I have ignored it all hoping it would all go away and of course it never would have done.

I really hope that we can move forward together once he has got over the initial shock, hurt and betrayal. I will do anything to make this better.

Thanks for your understanding Sandy that is exactly it.

If he's got savings think of all that interest you've been paying out needlessly all these years.
You are just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him. It will be worse if he just finds out.

Ok, you need to be honest with him but firstly you need to be honest with yourself. You say that you're ashamed, that you're reformed and that you know that you can change things. But this isn't true is it? The only reason why you have decided to take control of your debts now is because your DH wants to remortgage and you know that the debts will come out in the credit reports. Similarly with your pay rise. You've been given a rise and you've been lying to him about it for months. How long were you going to continue to lie and deceive him about this debt if remortgaging wasn't on the cards?

This is like an affair in that those having affairs generally only come clean because they're found out, not because they're really regretful about the actions they have taken.

I disagree that this is partly his fault. If you were struggling with money you should have spoken to him about it, not taken out credit cards on the side to the tune of £31k and not told him.

Clearly there are a lot of issues in your relationship, not least the fact that you don't communicate as a couple. And I am not having a go, I know how easy it is to spiral into debt, but lying to your husband is not the answer and this would be grounds for a divorce on his part.

YOu need to tell him, not hope that the credit reports will continue to cover up your lies and deception. Sit him down tonight and have an honest conversation with him. But you're going to have to own this one. If he decides to walk away then you are responsible for that.

This is the letter I have drafted....:

This is the hardest thing I have ever written. I have been feeling incredibly sick, anxious and have honestly thought of ending it all recently, driving into a wall or taking an overdose as I am so ashamed of myself and what I have to tell you.

Financially I am a mess. I have been hiding debt for years and it has been eating away at me. I feel awful that I have never properly contributed to the joint household finances, all starting when the girls were little, childcare and not earning enough. Spending regardless, building up a big load of debt. Since getting this job and money going up I have been paying it off as much as I can and hoping for a miracle. I haven’t missed any payments on anything and my credit score is good but obviously we need to declare any outstanding debts to the mortgage people. I have paid a couple of big balances off recently but they have not updated on my credit report and I am worried they will affect the ability to get a mortgage but if we wait until they are cleared it will be fine.

I have made inroads, but the talk of the remortgage makes me feel so sick and nervous. I actually got my payrise a few months ago but have held off telling you thinking I can pay off some of this debt and it’ll all be fine. I have not wanted to hurt you and I know that this will be a blow to your heart but please know that I have kept this to myself for absolute fear of you leaving me and burying my head in the sand thinking I can sort it all out myself. I can’t cope with the pressure any more as I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I just want to make it all ok.

My mum has given me some money and I now have about 6k remaining to pay off, which I can easily do over the next few months. This has made me value everything so much, what we have, our marriage, our lovely girls, our life together. I have got into such a mess my head is not straight at all and I feel like such a failure. I will do anything to make this right, give you control of everything, we should be able to have a lovely life together and I have ruined it all.

I am sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I know this is going to take a lot of getting over. I am prepared to do anything you want, counselling, anything we can to get us through this.

I am sorry.

Yes that is fine but he needs to acknowledge that there should have been more transparency from the beginning. It's not totally your fault, although obviously it shouldn't have happened as it did.

I would cut out all the emotionally overloaded talk about how you've considered ending it etc. Honestly if my partner was telling me that they'd built up £31k worth of debt, had gone to their mother (my children's grandmother) to borrow the money on the quiet and were only telling me now before I found out through a mortgage application I wouldn't give a toss about how regretful they claimed to be, in fact I would likely not believe a word of it.

Tell
Him but he also needs to take responsibility for the fact your finances are all skewed. How come you don’t know what he earns? Why isn’t all your money pooled together?

"Yes that is fine but he needs to acknowledge that there should have been more transparency from the beginning. It's not totally your fault, although obviously it shouldn't have happened as it did." no he doesn't. It is totally the OP's fault, although is a good example as to why joint money is a better idea in a marriage in order to pre-empt this level of lying and deceit.

And if a woman came on here to say their husband was in debt to the tune of £31k without their knowledge nobody would suggest that woman was partly to blame.

The one thing they are responsible for is the fact they don't communicate as a couple, but even then that doesn't account for the OP building up huge debts on the quiet and not telling her partner until she had to for fear of getting found out.

You must tell, or be prepared for your marriage to end if he finds out any other way. I would be cross your Mum had bailed you out too, that isn’t teaching you to manage debt properly.

The letter is OK OP but I think you would be best off starting with the facts, in this order:

I have to reveal something to you and I'm sorry I didn't do this earlier.

I slowly ran up debt from 2009 mat leave until 2017. It was 30k at its highest, I recently paid it down to 6k and servicing it so that it will be paid off by X date. I am waiting for credit scores to update as I write this.

I am concerned about the mortgage credit check as the scores need to update in order for us to get a good rate.

As part of this, I concealed the fact that I got a payrise in X month, not X month, because I've been using the difference to pay down the debt as quickly as possible. I was embarrassed and running scared.

I am feeling incredibly guilty and emotional about this, and I wanted to start the letter talking about all of that, but I know that the immediate problem here is the mortgage credit check so I want to get all that in the open so that we can find a solution together.

If you want to focus on the immediate problem first, stop reading here and let's talk about how we're to move forward on that. Emotional guff follows:

... honestly OP I read this thread through and thought, so the issue is literally that you had/have split finances, you don't talk about money, you got yourself into debt, you've paid almost all of it off via a raise, and now you are basically looking to join finances in a mortgage and you don't know how to say all that to him.

And then I look at your highly emotional, disproportionately guilty explanations/ begging / self hatred and think, well, what's really happened here is that you two didn't talk much about finances before. For example he took out a loan without telling you. And now you need to communicate better. So you need to get factual and focus on facts, and go from there.

The extreme emotionality around it smacks of you trying to manipulate him into not being upset about stuff. I really sounds like emotional blackmail. Don't bring that kind of communication into your newly joined finances. Be factual, be kind, say sorry but don't rake yourself over the coals.