Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible argument last night

95 replies

sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:15

I was bathing dc aged 3 and 2 and DP came in shouting and swearing about something. He said the word fuck repeatedly and I asked him to please not swear in front of the children. He told me to get the fuck out of his sight and they were his kids and he'd say what he wanted (he had been drinking.)

Today he refuses to talk about it other than to say I'm ridiculous?

OP posts:
Doubletrouble42 · 31/10/2017 13:18

Not good. He needs to see that he was wrong and either curb his behaviour when drinking or give up. Or I'd walk tbh.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:20

I'm pregnant so it's hard to just walk - impossible really Sad

OP posts:
Kentnurse2015 · 31/10/2017 13:28

Blimey.i would get out of there. Pregnant or not!

BubblesPip · 31/10/2017 13:29

Is he like that often?

I think I’d be walking. Imagine how scary that must be for your dc.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:31

But where am I supposed to go? I mean, it's a bit extreme to leave based on one row

OP posts:
Swizzlesticks23 · 31/10/2017 13:36

If anyone said get the fuck out of my sight. I would. 1000 miles away never to be seen again.

user1471548375 · 31/10/2017 13:38

Is this the first time OP. Sounds horrible for you, sorry it happened.

If this isn't a pattern of behaviour and is a one off I'd steer clear of the typical mumsnet reaction of LTB and be more concerned there's some underlying stress at play - I'd be firm that he does need to open up about it though (and apologise)

Offred · 31/10/2017 13:42

You say it is extreme to leave on the basis of one row. What are you hoping? That he will stop being who he is and turn into a different person who doesn’t come home drunk and abusive early in the evening?

It certainly doesn’t seem like this is, in his mind, an aberration as he has continued his self important rage past the point of sobriety...

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:43

He had been drinking but wasn't drunk. Just agitated and wound up.

OP posts:
Offred · 31/10/2017 13:45

But yeah yeah what you should definitely do is make a massive fuss of babying him and kill yourself to make him feel better.... Hmm

Because of course this whole thing is down to you not being a supportive enough wife and he has all that ‘big man’ stress to deal with poor him...(!)

TammyswansonTwo · 31/10/2017 13:51

He must have behaved like this before, surely?

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:53

Not in front of his kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 13:54

Not in front of his kids?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 14:03

Aha - so he's a nasty abusive bully when he's had a drink!?
Marvellous.
Great example for your DC, as he's now escalating.
Please speak with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
I hope the scales fall from your eyes soon so you can get an exit plan in place.

Do you work full time?
Do you have family you could go to for support?

user1471548375 · 31/10/2017 14:06

Offred I did say if it wasn't a pattern of behaviour. I'm struggling to think why a sudden change in anyone's behaviour wouldn't be cause for concern, or why a reasonable persons reaction to someone in their live acting strangely (for the first time) would be to leave.

I'm not excusing his actions or minimising his behaviour, it is inexcusable - but as a one off with a possible underlying cause? Potentially not worth breaking a family up for.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 14:09

He's never been this bad before. I don't want to leave and leave the kids.

OP posts:
user1471548375 · 31/10/2017 14:11

OP - are you saying this isn't a one off then? That it's actually an escalation?

Myheartbelongsto · 31/10/2017 14:14

If he speaks to you in front of your children they will end up speaking to you like this too and you'll have a bigger problem on your hands op.

If he won't speak to you today and instead calls you names that is very disrespectful and your opinion isn't valid is it.

Offred · 31/10/2017 14:15

You can tell it’s an escalation by the way he wasn’t sorry TBF.

Someone who is still self importantly angry the day after an abusive incident like this is someone who has already laid the groundwork to an entitlement of having verbally abusive explosions that have simply been accepted in the past by their partner.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 14:21

The way he has behaved is absolutely unacceptable, this won't have come out of the blue either, I would bet my house he is often aggressive.

You have to find your voice and make it crystal clear you will not tolerate this, either at you or around you and the children.
He sounds an arsehole, you need to be very angry.

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 14:21

Well, I don't have anywhere to go so I have to stay. I just feel a bit shaken.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 14:25

Well, what's the situation? Mortgage, rent?
Nobody is suggesting you leave your children, people leave relationships day in and day out. Make some plans, there are ways.
You can't want to stay with this guy - can you?
How frightened the children must have been.

when you tried to talk to him today were you angry? Or trying to appease him and make him see your POV - I can tell you if the latter you are on to a loser.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 14:29

You do NOT have to stay.
Call Womens Aid.
Take it from there.
They can help you with housing benefits, accommodation etc....
CALL THEM!

Original poster
sophkins · 31/10/2017 14:46

They aren't my children, they are his.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 31/10/2017 14:56

Then it is easier for you to go, sorry but that is the truth, you are pregnant and can get help. You don't have to stay with him.
You haven't tried to tell us he's normally a great dad or any of that bollocks.